<p>What I like to do is write the two page letter and keep it for 48 hours. I cannot tell you how many times I sweated it out over what I thought my child was super concerned about only to discover that I was worrying ALOT more than I should be. I am learning to live by the wait and see rule. Good luck with your daughter, she will probably love her college choice again soon.</p>
<p>I usually wait, but this one was something I had to nip in the bud. I think she really needed my support & advice, but wouldn't take it "willingly." The letter seems to have done the trick. Like others have said, she wants to pull away ... yet she still needs the old relationship in some ways. We'll just keep figuring out ways to be a Mom without intruding on the new adult!</p>
<p>kelsmom, your daughter sounds a bit like mine. i think they're both unloading a lot of their anxiety on us, which I suppose we should take as a compliment. I like your letter idea. A good way to say what you want without a conversation, which could be rebuffed. </p>
<p>My daughter seems to be having the same buyer's remorse, though she never was really in love with her choice. (I don't think she would have been in love with anything except the one early decision school that (quite expectedly) rejected her.) Last night she told me all the things she doesn't like about the school she's going too: Too many spoiled rich kids, too much drinking.... I am worried she is starting out on a negative note and will miss all of the positives. Uggh. A part of me wants this summer to go quickly, but another part is dreading the day that she leaves....</p>
<p>IndianaKate and others, I can so relate! My D also did not get into her first and second choices. Actually, her first choice was basically the only acceptable school to her and she even tried to convince us of a 5th year high school program at a prep school so she could get another shot at it. We gave her the community college option but she said it was no good unless she was going in as a freshman.</p>
<p>Her dad and I both know that her first choice was way beyond her reach and that she would have been out of her league academically. So the school she eventually (last day of April!) selected was a much better choice we thought. And they offered decent financial aid. But she has been unhappy about it, even joking about the name, since. </p>
<p>However, we attended orientation and it was one of those where they separate the students and they sleep in a dorm. When we picked her up, expecting a scowl, there was a tiny little smile on her face. And, over lunch at a great restaurant, she told us funny stories of the games they played. Also a boy from the school was at a nearby table with his parens, and she was definitely aware of that! Naturally she says the food at the school stinks, and the bathrooms are awful, etc. But she also registered for very challenging classes.</p>
<p>Since then, she's been making lists of what she wants to bring and my main problem is getting her to understand the difference between "want" and "need"! But at least she is a bit better about the fall. I think orientations are designed to take the stress out of the summer.</p>
<p>I know this isn't the place, and maybe I'll start another thread, but are any other parents dealing with their kids complaining about their summer jobs ad naseum? For every hour they work, we hear a half hour of whining!</p>
<p>I think the kids are also processing the fact that things will never be the same with their HS friends. D started HS knowing 8 other students. After three years on the yearbook staff, she's "known" thousands of them. Many of the seniors are staying in town or instate. Christmas break will reveal how each of them have changed.</p>
<p>Deep down she realizes she'll make new friends at OSU but there's always some worrying. I hope Orientation in July will help.</p>
<p>She has to be nice to the friends. But the family won't move on and get a new kid.</p>
<p>Mary, that is perfect!!! </p>
<p>When my D was younger, a very wise teacher told me that I should be pleased she was such a pain to me ... she said that it meant my D felt I loved her so unconditionally that she could vent all her frustrations on me & I would still love her. I don't care whether or not that's true ... I have held on to that comment & remembered it every time my D blames life's injustices on ME. It does help me to feel better! </p>
<p>But I still can't help telling my DH --- on a somewhat regular basis ---that I wasn't meant to be the mother of teenagers!!</p>
<p>about the job whining, let them whine, if you don't respond, beyond, that's nice dear, the whining will stop</p>
<p>Mom, I hate my job, its boring, I want to hang with my friends....</p>
<p>Oh that's nice dear....oh dear, how sad for you....(but say nothing more)</p>
<p>(if they realize you aren't going to buy into the poor pitiful me bit and aren't going to say, oh gee, quit, they will get tired of trying through whining)</p>
<p>Citysgirlsmom - Has your child ever been described as intense?? </p>
<p>I realize your tips make sense - but with a certain type of child they just don't work! When you don't respond, they try a new tact - maybe you don't care about me, you don't listen, etc. Honestly, I know you mean well, but having raised daughters with different temperaments, when you have one of these super intense kids, they just don't give up. So - you can try your approach, but don't be surprised if it doesn't always work.</p>
<p>D#2 is a very successful young woman. She is very bright, as was her older sister, but she is also extremely focused, persistent, and just intense. D#1 has been successful as well, but not to the degree of D#2. These traits have worked to D#2's advantage in many ways, but they can be a pain to deal with at home. I think Mary is right - they have to be nice to friends, employers, teachers, etc., and then they dump on us.</p>
<p>A good book to read is Letting Go: A Parent's Guide to Understanding the College Years by Coburn and Treeger. It describes the changes during the four years of college.</p>
<p>We act like these young adults are babies- and that we need an instant turn around in attitude....so they try and different tact and whine, so what!!</p>
<p>They are a pain if we buy into the pouting, the shouting, etc</p>
<p>Just look at that family that let their 16 year old marry her teacher- they got tired of the girls games and gave in to her threats, attitude and constant whining</p>
<p>You say they never give up- if you don't react- don't respond in an expected manner- then sure, they will try a new method, but after a while, I think they are smart enough to realize its not working</p>
<p>For instance, we all know that one day our Ds are best friends with a girl, and the next she hates her, then she is best friends again, if we buy into the drama all the time, and say, yes, girlA is a jerk....when our D changes her mind, we have fed the drama</p>
<p>Another point, a thread last year was talking about rude kids going off to college and how we should just put up with it....why? so they are stressed, that doesn't mean they treat you like dirt</p>
<p>That is when you say, Child of Mine, I know you have all kinds of stuff going on right now, but that does not give you the right to treat your family badly. So cut it out. I won't bug you about too much stuff, but your family shouldn't be the only ones to show respect....</p>
<p>What a nightmare it was driving 3 hours north with my daughter to her Summer Orientation. Within 10 minutes of our trip, she criticized my driving every 2 minutes and that had to stop. She hated the hotel, was embarrassed to death that I was friendly and spoke to people in a crowded elevator; she died when I was the first in line to get material the next morning and stayed 50 yards away from me; she gave me "the look" when we had time to kill in the computer room before the session started and a nice young man came up to our computer area to use a computer and I said hi (horrors) and asked if he was here for Summer Orientation and he was and I introduced my daughter to him...I never heard the end of that horrible sin of mine! On the following and final day, she called me to tell me that she was almost finished with class selection and to come into the auditorium. Okay, I walked into this huge room and there she was wayyyyyy up in front and there were 20 people in the entire place, so I walked up, sat at a distant table, but not distant enough for Miss Independent. She looked at me startled that I was there, say "Oh, that's my mom" and she introduced me to two guys she was talking to and then said "You can go now"...Her rudeness, sarcasm, criticism, higher-than-mighty attitude was disgusting, uncalled for and hurtful. She is happy with her college selection and feels she will fit in beautifully there. She is thrilled that everybody is so friendly, but she doesn't want her mom to utter a word! Ridiculous! In fact, when she and I found our way into the auditorium for the Dean's address where there were 25 huge round tables to select from, she looked at me and said "I want to find a table where I don't think you would talk at"...Her father and I had a big talk with Her Highness this morning and said it is an honor and a privilege to go to college and we are unhappy with her actions and they have to stop. All she cares about are her friends, morning noon and night. She has a list of chores to do every morning, very easy ones, and can she do them without my badgering her? Nope! She sleeps in until noon or longer, too. It is time for her to leave, period over and out. She has apologized on rare occasions but the attitude keeps on keeping on. How a person can have so many friends and be so well liked by her teachers, friends, parents friends...and then to be treated like a second class citizen is beyond me. After reading the posts, I realize that she is worse now than ever before of the stress and anxiety of starting over in college, making new friends there, trying to fit in, on and on...She will come around eventually, I've read. My son, who is now at UC Santa Barbara, was so sweet and continues to be grateful for all his parents have done for him. They are night and day. This is the summer from hell with her. That's all from me, aren't you glad...ha! (My son used his member name "perfectwall" before and I am using it now").</p>
<p>I feel for you perfectwall... sometimes it feels like we're walking on eggshells around our kids, and of course, there's absolutely no reason for it! I have never felt so unsure of myself until this summer when every thing I wear seems to be a fashion NO in my D's eyes. The other night she suggested her dad do the dishes (the dad who worked his butt off all day, then took us all to a movie!) when she was asked to do the chore. It hurts when they behave badly -- I wonder to myself, how did I raise such a person? did I do such a bad job? But I know there's more going on than meets the eye. She is afraid. She feels pressure to know what she wants to be, to succeed, and she wants to stay in the safety of our home. The reasons for acting out may be different for each student, but they all do have reasons. It doesn't mean we should take it; we must insist on respect, good manners, a decent attitude in the home. But you're not alone, it's a fairly common response to this time in their life. Good luck!</p>
<p>Perfectwall, I can relate! I think Donna is right. But knowing what's behind it is one thing ... living through it is quite another. When my now-easygoing son was 2 or 3, I always said that God made him so darn cute to keep me from killing him (he was a handful!). Now I tell myself that God made my D such a pain so I could handle the pain of her leaving home. We'll get through it ... in my case, with a few more gray hairs & a couple more stress-pounds.</p>
<p>Even my laid-back and cheerful boy has had some moments where he's treated me quite disdainfully and I do NOT like it. If it continues, we will have a discussion about it for sure. While I do think it's natural for them to be pulling and pushing away at this time, I do expect respectful behavior.</p>
<p>Expecting respectful behavior and getting it are two different things. I don't know what the answer to that is, but during our really bad times of disrespect with our kids, I sure didn't have any luck with expecting respectful behavior. The best I could hope for after I drew myself up and said, "I expect you to speak to me respectfully!" was for them to slouch off to their rooms without firing back.</p>
<p>Our D didn't go to college. She lived at home working the first year after high school and was a total brat (she was a brat before that, too....but it continued on). When she moved out things began to improve slowly. Now she is 22, and this past mother's day, she gave me one of those cards that said I was not only her mother but her best friend. I <em>never</em> thought <em>I</em> would get one of those cards!</p>
<p>S1 put us through a total summer from hell before he left for college. It was just a nightmare. He frequently said things like, "I am so ready to be outta here!" (We were ready, too.) His change came more quickly than his sister's. He turned sweet very suddenly early in his first semester of college. We've been close and loving ever since.</p>
<p>S2 is a rising senior. He isn't as bad as his sister and brother (yet). Based on our past experience, I know that things are likely to get a lot worse this year. But, I know we have a good foundation, and I guess all we can do is keep trying to figure out what "expecting respect" looks like, and keep trying to do that. Then we'll hold our breath and wait for him to leave!</p>
<p>Kate-- If you can I would definitely suggest staying off face book. Knowing we respect their privacy is a big step toward creating the new relationship all parties want. I know it's tempting, but more gratifying to resist and gain ground with comments like, "Although I have my own facebook account that makes it so easy for me to log onto yours I have decided not too. It's your thing." It may be hard, but reaps emotional dividends.</p>
<p>Strange to say, I think they are actually worried about us -- how we will fare without them. They feel guilty because they know they are going toward something fun, and we are being left behind to do the work of earning the money for it. Any displays (sometimes exaggerated) of wonderful things in my life I was looking forward to helped.</p>
<p>Good luck! Yes, it's all SO normal and difficult to live thriugh.</p>
<p>What I mean is not letting it continue without comment. I'm more likely to say how I feel (hurt, annoyed, etc.) than get on his case. I really don't think he wants to hurt my feelings, he's just trying to express his independence.</p>
<p>And people wondered why I'm parentofbear. I would have considered it a good summer last year if all the stories and concerns on this thread were all I had to put up with. If a part of you isn't glad the day your kid goes off to college they haven't been honest with their feelings. Then you miss them by time the plane takes off. You forget the bad and remember the funny stuff.</p>
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<blockquote> <blockquote> <p>Kate-- If you can I would definitely suggest staying off face book.>>></p> </blockquote> </blockquote>
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<p>good advice, mythmom. but let me clarify. I cannot access my daughter's facebook info. To do so, I would have to "friend" her and I wouldn't dare ask -- and even if I did, I'm sure she wouldn't accept me as her friend.</p>
<p>i have just been looking around the public group areas of facebook which are accessible to everyone. But my daughter doesn't know I'm doing this -- which makes me think I probably shouldn't. </p>
<p>Guess I'll jsut have to spend more time on CC :)</p>
<p>Not sure this link will work, but it's to a really interesting story in today's NYTimes on mothers and daughters. Personally, I don't think I'd want my daughter to be as close to me as some of those quoted in the story are. But maybe I'll feel differently when she's in her 20s and 30s and out of this obnoxious phase.</p>