<p>My daughter, who has always been a good pal, has suddenly become very distant from me and seems to find me supremely annoying. I suspect she's nervous about leaving home -- though she would never, ever admit it -- and I get the feeling that I'm the object of all her anxiety. She isn't quite so dismissive of her dad and her sister. Is anyone dealing with this kind of situation? In a way, I am almost looking forward to her leaving because our relationship feels so tense and uneasy.</p>
<p>I <em>only</em> have a son, but what you are experiencing is normal. Your daughter is so close to you she needs to push away in order to leave you. Take this as a badge of honor. Your daughter loves you so much she can only leave by being irritating. Sons can leave more lovingly. Let her do this in her own way and keep the door open because she will want to come back.</p>
<p>She's <em>only</em> distant and finding you annoying? I think you've got it easy! Check out this thread...it's typical of the summer before college:</p>
<p>Fortunately (or not!) my D has a long history of being supremely annoying whenever she is nervous. Music audition? Snappy like a beaten terrier. Prom date dilema? All my fault. So I see this summer as just part of her anxiety about going so far away. If she can distance now, it will be easier later.
Hang in there, they do still need you.</p>
<p>The kids couldn't bear to leave their parents if they didn't create a little separation first. Believe me, as soon as they get to school and are moved in, they love their mommies and daddies again. And they appreciate them more than ever, which is an added bonus. Hang in there!</p>
<p>Thanks for the reassurance (and for the link to the other tread.) Glad to see I'm not alone. Intellectually, I can appreciate all this, but emotionally, I feel really unsettled by my daughter's behavior. The more she pulls away, the closer I try to get and -- well, the dynamic isn't good. </p>
<p>When my son left for college a few years ago, I didn't experience any of this. Might have been that he was a camp counsellor and away all summer so there wasn't the opportunity for any prolonged drama. But my relationship with him has always been pretty uncomplicated. Maybe it's a boy/girl thing. </p>
<p>Oh well, it will be a long summer with my increasingly distant daughter. I hope we can resume our great relationship one of these years...</p>
<p>This summer is part of God's way of arranging things so that by the time our kids are ready to leave home, we're ready to let them!</p>
<p>And this, too, shall pass.</p>
<p>This seems like normal separation anxiety to me too. You will almost certainly have your little girl back next May allbeit noticably more mature and excited about her new life.</p>
<p>I found my kid supremely annoying during summer! I wanted her to get her life in order so that she could move out for college in the fall. She wanted to hang onto her high school life for as long as possible. Finally, during the last two weeks before she had to leave for school, she was ready to move on.</p>
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<blockquote> <blockquote> <p>She wanted to hang onto her high school life for as long as possible.<<</p> </blockquote> </blockquote>
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<p>My daughter also seems very wrapped up in her high school life, and I'm a bit worried that she's not more excited about college. She didn't get into her top choice school (actually, her two top choice schools,) so has the feeling that she's settled. We think it's going to be a great place for her, but she just isn't too psyched about it. I spent (far too much) time looking at the school's website, even reading facebook group messages of kids enrolled there (i'm a univ. prof so have a facebook account, much to my kids chagrin) So many of the kids seem totally excited about school. Not my daughter. Her main emotion these days is antagonism toward mom.</p>
<p>My D has always been a pain when she is worried about things. So this summer, she is a major pain! I know it is because she is worried about all the unknowns ... will I fit in? Will I have friends? Will I like the school? Will I do well? Will I be able to keep up with my laundry? Will I be able to keep my room clean (since I have failed to do so thusfar in my short life)? Will I be able to manage my time? Will I get fat (too many freshman 15 stories)? etc., etc. So, I get the brunt of it. No different from the other times: hair doesn't look quite right, no prom date, class is hard, no clothes (even though closet/drawers are full), etc., etc. It's all normal. Of course, I may not be able to get through it all ... I am just too old for this! H tells me what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. Hang in there ... many of us can relate!</p>
<p>Indiana, I will bet she ends up really enjoying the school she will attend. She just doesn't know it yet! :)</p>
<p>Kelsmom - My D is also a pain when she is worried about something. Unfortunately, she sets pretty high goals for herself (and usually meets them) so she is OFTEN a pain in the A. She is a good kid, but it does get a little tiring. </p>
<p>Indiana Kate - I am sure that it is the uncertainty of the fall that has changed your relationship. I think it is harder for both of you when you have been close. It is so easy to see why it is happening when it is someone else's daughter! As for whether she will enjoy the school, if she is usually a happy kid she will probably be happy. </p>
<p>Good luck & thanks for making the rest of us with M/D conflicts feel a little better.</p>
<p>as a rising college sophomore, i agree with all of the above posts. for all of my life (up until the end of senior year/the summer before college) my parents and i hardly ever argued and i was only occasionally annoyed with them. but towards the end of senior year i becam increasingly irritated by them and for most of summer, i couldn't wait to get away from them. even when they dropped me off at school, i thought they were being super-annoying. when they finally left, instead of feeling relieved that i finally had the independence i had craved, i actually cried because i was sad that they were leaving. </p>
<p>i think the whole annoying/irritating thing is just a coping mechanism to deal with leaving home. but, you can sort of expect more of it in the future. after being at college, it is alway sooo hard for me to adjust to being at home again. i am quickly annoyed by chores i have to do or errands i have to run for my parents or curfews they impose. i'm just too used to independence now, and it's hard to follow their rules again.</p>
<p>I am a soon-to-be-freshman moving 2000+ miles away in September, and after a lifetime of fighting with my parents and pretty much hating them, we are FINALLY getting along well. We still argue, but I think my mom and I have finally made the transition into being somewhat friends, which I couldn't be happier about. Between working and hanging out with my friends, I'm rarely home, but I make it a point to sit and watch dumb movies and eat ice cream with my mom and go out to dinner with my dad and stuff, because I've finally realized I'm going to miss them a lot next year. I'm just glad I figured this out now and not when I'm too far away to hug them and tell them I love them. I know this is pretty cheesy, but for all of the parents who are sad that their parents are pushing them away right before leaving, I would be thankful, because I know that I have treated my parents pretty badly and disrespectfully for my...entire life, and now I'm so happy I'm past that.</p>
<p>thanks hotpiece and j07 for sharing the "kid" perspective. I know that parents can be annoying -- that's our job. But understand that we do it with your best interests at heart!</p>
<p>My nephew went off to college 2 years ago and I remember my sister experiencing the same thing you are IndianaKate. I guess it is called the "soiling the nest" syndrome. Let me tell you, by August if he hadn't flown away on his own, she would have pushed him out of the nest! They laugh about it now. I am keeping this in mind as my son will be heading off this year.</p>
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<blockquote> <p>"soiling the nest" syndrome<<</p> </blockquote>
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<p>Ewww--I've seen birds' nests after the little darlings have flown away (off to Bird College maybe...to become one of the Stanford Cardinal?) and they are EXTREMELY nasty looking. Thanks for the analogy, septembermom!</p>
<p>What you can do is make a pledge to yourself not to talk about school every day- just tell your D, dearest, sweetie, I know talking about college is making you and me bonkers, so I will try and refrain from discussing the plans etc, and will follow your lead. Remember, there are certain things to be bought, we need to figure how to get your stuff there, and deadlines you need to meet for housing, classes, etc. So can we make a pact? Each Sunday evening, lets spend some time- sometimes 5 minutes, sometimes 1/'2hour talking about this college logistics stuff- dates, what we need to buy, checks you need, etc....</p>
<p>I think setting up some parameters where D feels she won't be annoyed about college everyday, it may make her more "into it"</p>
<p>For me, my D hasn't been around enough to be crabby, however, I am still annoying....</p>
<p>My D has just started a new annoying behavior. She is having "buyer's remorse." Her college decision was so very hard to make, and she really had to weigh out her options. She was very happy with her decision ... until last night! Now she is second-guessing things. I got so mad at her last night. Nothing I said made any difference ... everything was met with obstinance (I think that's a word!). I finally told her that if she really thinks she might transfer after a year, I don't even want to hear about it. This one will be all hers ... I won't be involved. I already earned too many gray hairs in the college planning process. I went to bed & just stared at the ceiling ... I thought all of this was over!</p>
<p>I got up this morning & wrote her a letter addressing her concerns, letting her know that with every choice we make ... there are things we give up associated with the choices we pass on. Few things in life are perfect ... we have to understand that our choices are very often "best" choices ... there are other excellent ones, but we must make only one. If we chose wisely (as I believe she did in this case), we will be happy. I wrote a two-page, very well thought out, intelligent, compassionate, "you'll be fine," letter. There was no way she would have listened to it, so I tried to reach her that way. I slipped it under her door. </p>
<p>She seems to be in much better spirits today. Let's hope it lasts!</p>