<p>Our offspring has quite a choice of schools. One is 9+ hours away, with merit money, and another offered her a summer program at no cost. The one at a distance is too far for her and the other would mean not being home for this summer, which doesn't thrill her. My memories of going off to college are that I couldn't wait to go. Does this mean she is not ready? How do you help a kid "get ready"?</p>
<p>i think it is normal apprehension.
going off to college is a huge change. even a lot of kids who run off apparently happy to get away, end up being hit by this enormity once they get there. if anything, having that apprehension now may make things easier since she knows what a transition awaits her.</p>
<p>i don't know if there is a generational thing involved to some extent -- i think our generation was much more eager to separate ourselves from our parents -- we grew up when there was a generational divide (if you were growing up when i was - 60's and 70's) that i don't think is as great today. and i think our generation, as parents, is probably more involved in our kids' lives than our parents were in ours - which may make that move to college more difficult than when we were eager to leave the nest.</p>
<p>as for how to help her get ready -- just be supportive. she'll probably get caught up in the excitement as friends are also planning for college. i've also found with my kids -- prior to making the final college choice is much more stressful -- once that choice is made it gets a lot easier to get excited about going.</p>
<p>I think that in our generation, the option of not going away to college was a more acceptable choice, even among those whose academic and financial situations would have allowed them to go away. Thus, those who didn't feel like going away simply didn't.</p>
<p>As for your daughter, wedgedrive, must she attend the summer program in order to enroll at the college that offers it? If she has made other plans for the summer or simply wants to be with her friends this summer, maybe she could start in the fall in the more usual manner.</p>
<p>wedgedrive, once my son was accepted to schools, the realization that all this admissions stuff meant actually leaving his friends, family, etc. hit him like a ton of bricks. (Doh!) </p>
<p>I think reactions vary from kid to kid, and anything from extreme anxiety to carefree happiness is normal. My son loves his school and dealt with all the new experiences very well, so I don't think your daughter's anxiety means she's not ready.</p>
<p>Last summer, a kid on the school's freshman discussion board posted a note with the heading, "HOW AWESOME IS THIS GONNA BE???!!!!" or something to that effect. This was exactly the opposite of how my son felt, which concerned him. I told him that he was probably better prepared and would deal with the transition to college better because he didn't expect it all to be a bed of roses. And that fall, when he was a little homesick or everything just felt "completely strange," he knew it was normal and dealt with it. </p>
<p>We found, actually, that our son experienced more emotional ups and downs <em>after</em> all the admissions hoopla was over with.</p>
<p>Wait till they are a senior graduating FROM college and be prepared to see them expressing anxiety/sadness re leaving college. :)</p>
<p>I think all this hit my D earlier. Leaving home became very real sort of mid-way through junior year, and she ended up applying to schools in the midwest only.
She has not regretted that and says that just knowing she can pop home is like a safety valve -- she doubts she will come home for many random weekends but feels lighter knowing she can.
There was a thread a while back about all the growth that comes out of moving far, far away. It was a great thread. Once the initial homesickness wears off, kids adapt and have a wonderful time. What was a less popular opinion on that thread was the choice to stay closer to home. Everyone has to find what's right for them, and we will see if my D found it. I believe she will grow and thrive as well, and right now, things feel real good to her.</p>
<p>Thanks everybody for your input. Reading your messages, something clicked for me. Our daughter was the kind of kid who was very specific about what she was ready for and when: ("I'll do a sleep-over when I'm 8). She is being quite clear about how far she wants to be from home, so I think you all are right, and I should just listen and support her. Thanks everybody</p>
<p>Not so gung-ho here. Doesn't even want to talk about it. And decision day approaching.</p>
<p>Heron, is your son of daughter going to revisit any of the schools he/she has been accepted at?</p>
<p>I wonder if this is partly a gender thing-my S a) doesn't seem to think about it much because it's too far out on the time horizon for him and b) even if he is thinking about it, he wouldn't share his feelings. That doesn't mean he isn't anxious, or won't be later-or be really homesick at some point when he's there-but I don't think he's eager to deal with this right now. If anything, I see a slight pulling away-a greater sense of privacy and need for personal space-a preparation perhaps for separation, possibly unconscious?</p>
<p>The daughter of friends started big OOS U right out of hs even though she was on the young side and expressing some thoughts that a gap year might be good. Her parents pooh-poohed this idea, probably not realizing how common this is getting to be and how positive for some students. She had a rough time socially with an unfortunate roommate situation, felt that most other kids already had friends because so many were instate, had trouble with the extreme partying, etc. She ended up so anxious and unhappy that she had to take a medical leave and is now home at loose ends. Her parents feel terrible about it and wish they'd listened more closely to what she was saying.</p>
<p>OP's situation might pass, but if it doesn't, there's nothing wrong with looking at a well-planned gap year. Yesterday, I talked to 3 parents whose boys were doing postgraduate years in prep schools. Obviously, that's becoming more common too.</p>
<p>Wedgedrive,
OUr twins ( boy and girl) have definitely been hit with more anxiety now that all admissions decisions are in. Until April 1 I think it seemed like a decision they knew was coming-but somehow farther off. The anxiety level ( and I not understating this) is sky high in our home. We have a very close family and unlike many of their friends, they have not spent every summer at camp for a month or so. Hence-the idea of separation is loaded with so many what if's. OUr kids are also very concerned about ending up a school where the alcohol/drug/party scene predominates. They want to have fun-just not passed out on the floor or walking over roommates in that situation. I can totally identify with bethievt friend's situation with their daughter-I can see the same thing happening with at least one of our two.</p>
<p>The ironic thing in all of this is that the school both are most interested in right now is Pepperdine-YIKES- a 4.5 hour plane ride. The other schools they are considering are 3-8 hours from home. </p>
<p>One thing I believe is that kids who are in the situation of worrying about leaving tells me that we as parents have probably done a good job of creating an environment where they have flourished and feel loved. Now I am trying to quickly learn how to strengthen their self confidence ( and mine)that the roots we gave them at home will enable them to flourish on their own. Sounds good-but can I sell that? I am hoping the decision due by May 1 may bring some peace of mind. </p>
<p>BTW-this is a great thread!</p>
<p>I left a message on another thread possibly related to this issue. My D was going off to a school hours plane trip away. She was always wanting to go to a college away from home town, but then spent the summer with her hs friends hanging out. As the time got near to go to a climate where there is a real winter (from SoCal) she refused to even think about buying appropriate clothes or even a pair of boots. She went off with sandals, jeans and t-shirts saying she could buy clothes there. I finally gave up and let it go (although I did order some sweaters from Delias to be sent). I found the book-Letting Go-which explained the emotion behind college bound students' procrastination as a reaction to anxiety about going (denial?). She finally did find some boots after it started snowing ( and ruined pair of sneakers). The lesson learned is that we parents can be supportive and let go at the same time. So take heart freshmen parents.</p>
<p>My D is also apprehensive about starting college. She is having fun her senior year with her friends and boyfriend and can't imagine what life will be without having them in her life daily. I pointed out to her how fortunate she is to stay so much more connected than we were in college with periodically hand writing letters to friends. I pointed out to my D how much fun I had with my HS friends in college - I visited a few at college and then of course coming home Thanksgiving and seeing friends and then winter break - summer is longer and comes earlier, etc. My D is going to go to school about 4.5 hours away - she did point out she felt she could easily get home with various transportation options from this school as opposed to another school closer to home and they did help her to feel better. I reminded her we will be up for parent's weekend. Reassure her apprehension is normal, reassure she'll do fine and she'll make new friends as well as keep all her old ties.</p>
<p>I think the kids also suffer some academic anxiety.. they wonder if they really are going to be able to handle the demands of college coursework, and they have that little niggling feeling in the pit of their stomachs that everyone else will be "smarter" than them at college, and that they won't be able to keep up with the course work. Lots of anxiety for some kids. It helps to let them know that this is normal. And yes, there is some anxiety, too (and definitely sadness) when they graduate from college and realize they have to leave the whole college community behind! :( (of course, facebook and electronic communication methods can help in that transition, too)</p>
<p>I didn't mean to be a Debbie Downer. Probably this is just normal cold feet. But it wouldn't hurt for OP to keep the feelers out for indications that the timing is off. The idea that every 17 or 18 year old will suddenly be ready to leave home and go to college--I think most of us realize that this might not be right for everyone.</p>
<p>D will be going to a school two states away (2.5 hour flight) and she is still very excited about the idea. But. I think September sounds really far away to her right now and I will not be surprised at all to see her show some reticence as time to leave gets closer. I'm still sort of shocked that she picked a college so far from home, but it's done now and I think that she will grow and learn so much. And it helps that it's a small university with a good support system for new students. She will have resources, and unlike S, who's at a 30,000 student university, she will know where they are and how to access them with ease.</p>
<p>My D is also having some anxiety, although she's really excited about going away to school. The reality of moving across the country (from Socal to Boston) is sinking in and she alternates between clingy and very distant. Not to mention MY anxiety about having her leave, which has descended upon me rather rapidly and intensely since submitting her deposit 2 weeks ago. AH!</p>