<p>I want to point out my admiration towards the subject without seeming like I'm embeleshing the obvious. I do regard my word choice as appropriate however some of my peers have suggested I revise it. </p>
<p>After minutes of contemplation I thought it best to ask on a College Admissions forum. </p>
<p>"My reverence and appeal to the science is on behalf of the very essence of it's nature."</p>
<p>The following sentence expands on intricacies of what the essence (for me) is.</p>
<p>You’re trying to make it sound like what you think an adult wants to hear. First, the wording doesn’t make sense. You have reverence FOR something, and something appeals to you (appeal of something to you is too passive). On behalf of is used incorrectly – I think you mean on account of, but what you really mean is because. </p>
<p>Put down the pen. Answer this as if talking to a friend. Why do you like science?</p>
<p>If you are waiting for others to weigh in, I agree with Pizzagirl. Things should be said simply and directly. A college essay is not the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest.</p>
<p>nordquist, why do you like science? Just answer with whatever comes to mind; don’t worry about making it sound “official.”</p>
<p>Also- saying that you like something because of the very essence of its nature is just a silly thing to say. I like horses because of the very essence of their nature. I like chocolate because of the very essence of its nature. See how those sentences tell me nothing? What IS it about science, horses or chocolate that you like?</p>
<p>“My reverence and appeal to the science is on behalf of the very essence of it’s nature.”</p>
<ol>
<li> It would be your reverence FOR the science.</li>
<li> Saying your appeal TO the science can be read to say that you appeal to the science, not that the science appeals to you.</li>
<li> "On behalf of’ is roughly synonymous to “in place of” or “representing”, to me, at least, makes no sense in this sentence. </li>
<li> As noted by Pizzagirl, to say that you’re doing something on behalf of its nature is just silly.</li>
<li> Overall, the sentence reads (to me, at least) as gobbledegook.</li>
<li> Even if it made sense in English, it’s stilted and overwritten.</li>
</ol>
<p>I think you’re trying to say “The very nature of science appeals to me.” or “I revere the very nature of science”. If so, why don’t you just say it? IMO, the concept is a bit fatuous – but perhaps you could make it work.</p>
<p>Ok, perhaps I’m a bit harsh here. Calling it fatuous was a bit gratuitous. I apologize for that, but I’m trying to make a point. You may have the idea that your essay has to sound profound, using large, perhaps highfaluttin’ $10 words and lofty prose. However, that just ain’t so.</p>
<p>I think you’ll do better on your essays if you use a style that is familiar to you, and with respect to which you have had success in the past. This essay is not the time to adopt a new writing style.</p>
<p>In short – lose the sentence. Oh, and you owe your friends big time for pointing this out to you. It’s hard for them to tell you that something you’re proud of just doesn’t work – they’re good friends to do so.</p>
<p>Agree with what has been said. Using unnatural words in a college essay is bad. Using unnatural words incorrectly in a college essay if very bad.</p>
<p>It should sound conversational, as others have said, like you are speaking with a friend.</p>
<p>Another issue that might present itself is that you are telling. This is a fine premise for an essay, but show what you revere about science. I’m somewhat extrapolating here, as the rest of your essay may do that at best, but it may be a similar amalgam of big words and general concepts at worst. Show what you’re trying to say and ditch this sentence if so.</p>