<p>Three of our last three presidents have smoked pot and I believe it was in college. Did they know it was illegal? Were they naive? Did it ruin their lives? So I can see how kids don’t feel they are doing anything wrong. What do you think President HW Bush did when he found out W. was smoking pot? It would be interesting to find out, maybe there is something written about it. My point is, parents unfortunately have been dealing with this for some time.</p>
<p>I would prefer than none of my 3 kids smoke or drink, 2 are 30+. But, If my kids are going to do something stupid, I prefer they do it under my roof. I don’t condone it, and I’ve never seen it, but I would rather they do it here. I don’t think it shows a lack of respect. </p>
<p>I would be very thoughtful about turning my kid out of the house at such a young age. It is your house of course and you can do whatever you want, but I have seen these situations go terribly wrong. Whether it would have gone terribly wrong if they had stayed in the home, I have no idea. I’ve always said, unless they’ve killed someone I am going to help them out. I hope not to ever have to think about it, but I know many, many people who have.</p>
<p>I would be more concerned by the weed paraphernalia than the alcohol bottle. Having a bottle might just mean he’s keeping it until a party or something, I really doubt it means that he’s drinking alone in his room at home.</p>
<p>Most of the people now running the country were at least casual if not regular pot smokers in college. While illegal in many areas it is hardly viewed as a serious crime or even prosecuted uncless there is intent to sell. Out here in the northwest you’d have to be really annoying to get arrested for simple pot use.</p>
<p>^^^
True. I don’t think arrest for possession is the big issue here. But if somebody is giving you a pre-employment drug test, presumably they want it to come back clean. A former coworker got laid off, got a surprise job offer for an excellent job, and couldn’t clear the THC out of his system in over three weeks. He failed the test, lost the job, and was unemployed for several months.</p>
<p>To answer your question, I know D2 has smoked pot because she did in Amsterdam where it is legal. You go in certain shops and actually get a menu of pot offerings. D1 and D2 also drank alcohol all over Europe even though they were under 21. But again, it was legal there.</p>
<p>It is hard for students in this country to take the legality of smoking pot or drinking under 21 when they know that so many other places in the world don’t have these rules.</p>
<p>Nevertheless, smoking pot is illegal in this country and can result in bad consequences for the user. Same with drinking under 21. You have your house rules and should enforce them. However, drug testing seems extreme and a bit prison like.</p>
<p>The problem is, and we all know this, if someone above the age of about 14-15 (maybe younger) really wants to do something, they will find a way. </p>
<p>Constant communication with your S (not preaching or condemning) and maybe counseling, if he will go, are better approaches to try and get him to see he is making poor choices IMO. He has to make the decision and can not be forced into it. You can try, but you might just drive him out of the house and your life.</p>
<p>I remember, when I was a teenager, how contemptuous I felt of adults who would come and try to scare us straight with unrealistic stories about risks and harms. It completely undermined their credibility, because I saw kids all around me using drugs daily with none of those horrible things happening. </p>
<p>Of course, over time I got a much better sense of the horrible things that COULD happen, and what they looked like as they developed, and partially as a result of that, I basically lost my taste for drugs. But I had to learn the lessons for myself, and they were significantly different lessons that the well-meaning adults of my youth had tried to peddle.</p>
<p>I think in general we need to be much, much more honest with kids if we expect to influence them.</p>
<p>I don’t much care if my kids are smoking pot, doing other drugs, etc because there isn’t much I can do about it and I don’t have to deal with it. Saying I don’t care is not really accurate since as a mom, of course I worry and care about everything. But I can put it outside of my immediate focus. They are 18 years old. But what happens in MY house is very much my business and is a slap in my face when those invade my sanctuary and what I have tried to provide for the family. Go pee in your own soup is the way I look at it.</p>
<p>I’m not even going into the ways pot has ruined some kids lives. Not many, but for those unlucky ones, it is a big problem. You are eliminated from consideration for many things. But once they understand that, well, that’s their risk and decision, until they bring the contraband into my house.</p>
<p>I don’t want cigarettes in my house either. No smoking allowed. No one. I have my mom with severe COPD, terrible genes for cancer, a kid who had cancer and several who are allergic to smoke. But I don’t need those justifications for the rule. I don’t want smoking in the house; it’s not allowed. It shows a tremendous amount of disrespect when adult children do not respect house rules. If you want your kid drinking, smoking, doing hard drugs, watching porn using your house to store illegal drugs because you prefer they do it under your roof, that is fine. But I don’t feel that way. This house is home for a lot of people and I want it to be a safe haven, where this sort of stuff does not happen. We try to keep the house clean, and I don’t mean with lysol or toilet paper rolls with dryer sheets.<br>
So it’s not the using pot, drinking that is the issue to me, but the way this young man is acting about it.</p>
<p>One of mine had a very tough time moving back home. Not, home, as into the house, though there were issues there too. He spent 4 years in a college community where you can live pretty much the way you please. The town cops looked the other way, unless things truly got out of hand, and even then they hardly ever booked a student. You could really get used to living a certain way…and then comes the real world. Around here, they don’t look the other way and you can get thrown into the pokey by some exasperated cop even when you should not be. So if you have some real fodder for them, they can throw the book at you.</p>
<p>I’m not one to preach. I went to high school in the east village in the mid-60s, college in the late 60s. The truth is that when I started doing drugs (pot and hallucinogens were my fav. but I was exposed to everything), my grades went up, as in WAY UP. I became more creative, actually worked harder, and was well-rewarded for the effort. </p>
<p>But I also have to say I was lucky, and won the genetic draw. One day, I woke up, and said, “enough of that”, and that was it. I have friends who used much less (again, multiple drugs), and ended up with lifelong problems (and a couple died). Now, irony of irony, my professional work involves the epidemiology of drug use. From what I see on a daily basis, I would be DELIGHTED if the kids were using pot rather than the things they are getting into.</p>
<p>There are legal risks (though, as Emeraldkity notes, you really have to work very hard to get arrested for marijuana in my state). And I also think there are folks with genetic predispositions for whom marijuana can exacerbate pre-existing mental health conditions. The only thing I am clear about is that we shouldn’t lie to kids. When we lie to them about little things (like marijuana use), they come to believe we are lying to them about big ones.</p>
<p>I don’t know how I would respond if my kids were using in my home. It would be very strange just to have them at home!!! (They are both well-employed on the opposite coast.) I know they have both tried it - the younger one has severe asthma, so she is at no risk of smoking - she might like the brownies. The older one I know has smoked marijuana, but it isn’t her thing. Both know my use history, and both know what I do for a living, both have heard my alcohol and automobiles lectures multiple times, and neither has ever asked me any questions.</p>
<p>“I remember, when I was a teenager, how contemptuous I felt of adults who would come and try to scare us straight with unrealistic stories about risks and harms. It completely undermined their credibility, because I saw kids all around me using drugs daily with none of those horrible things happening.” – JHS</p>
<p>Excellent points…</p>
<p>I know that kids need to learn for themselves, no matter how much we “lecture”, advise, share our own experiences…they may very well go out and do exactly what we said they shouldn’t, despite giving them specific and good examples of personal experiences and lessons learned. </p>
<p>I have a fear surrounding pot usage because of a situation involving one of my best friend’s sons. He got involved in smoking while in high school and continued into his freshman year of college. He ended up flunking out. Then he became addicted to pain killers. He’s still living at home and frying to finish a college degree. (At the age of almost 26). It’s been a tough road for the family and I’ve lived through much of it with my friend. </p>
<p>This discussion puts things into perspective for me. I will re-adjust my position on kicking him out if I find new evidence of pot/smoking in my house. There will be consequences if it happens again, but I think kicking him out would make things worse. I will have periodic discussions about substance abuse (pot and alcohol) and the consequences of breaking the law, and continue to make it clear that it’s not allowed in my house. I won’t drug test, because my friend did that and it only made things worse. (This discussion reminded me of that!)</p>
<p>i just skimmed this, so maybe I missed–but how were his grades?
most college kids are going to try a few things–and mostly, it is not that big of a deal. Of course, I would totally worry, as a parent, esp about legal aspects. However, you have to choose your battles.</p>
<p>If his grades are good, if he’s not seeming depressed or strange (drug use can be caused by ‘self-medicating’–ie, he’s depressed or anxious and trying to feel better by drinking/smoking pot)…if he seems overall like himself, then I would try not to worry too much.</p>
<p>If you see other things going on WITH the drugs/alcohol, then I’d focus on figuring out the deeper issues.</p>
<p>The way this young man is looking at all of this is really what bothers me. The drugs are illegal, the vodka is illegal for him. He has already been caught. This is his parents’ home. </p>
<p>The years of young adulthood are when a lot of mental illness (I think of it more as turmoil) occurs. Most of us, them survive. However, we don’t know who has the genetic predispositions or the issues that make indulging in certain things deadly. Addiction to anything can cause huge problems, but when someone is going down the path of contraband and thinking of it as no big deal, there is the concern that they are going to be bold enough to start using other stuff.</p>
<p>I don’t agree that pot is harmless any more than alcohol is. Sure, if you smoke a few joints and stay put, that’s one thing, but when you get kids driving or doing things that require coordination or judgment, you have a problem. I don’t believe that using pot is a huge conduit to other more harmful addictive drugs, but the attitude one has when using contraband is key in that area. I would be very concerned about what is happening from the past and current situation. </p>
<p>KMPete, there really is little a parent can do in these situations to forestall problems. That’s why a professional is needed to advise you as every situation is different and sometimes there are things that can be done. I know parents who have let these things go too far and by the time they went for help the kid was in deep trouble. There is no pat answer to all of this. Yes, make it very clear, which you have, that the stuff is not allowed in your house by ANYONE and that he is rude to be taking it into ANYONE’s home or car without letting them know. It’s not right putting other people at risk for things that they do not want. It’s WRONG. Also make sure he understands what he is risking and putting others at risk for in what he is doing. </p>
<p>I stripped one of my college kid’s bedroom so that it was basically a shell for when he came home and everything had to be checked out and kept clean and neat since he was not trustworthy. I made it difficult for him to hide thing there–not impossible but difficult and made it clear that i wasn’t going to take it easy about it. </p>
<p>I’m surprised that so many parents think this is normal behaviour have pot and a bottle of vodka in the bedroom at one’s parents home. I also am surprised that the kids record that first year isn’t raising any flags.</p>
<p>I read a book recently called “Run to the Roar” about the winningest college coach, I won’t go into the details, but a great book. One of the story arcs was that he threw his son out of the house in April of senior year of High School for smoking pot. The kid never graduated, lived on the street, in and out of rehab etc. The father had to get way more involved in that unfortunately. You can’t really say whether he would have gone down that road anyway, but having a hs diploma might have helped and he wouldn’t have been pushed out into the street at such a young age. Now, the kid was always a handful, so this wasn’t the first problem, but it gives pause for thought.</p>
<p>It is your house and you can make the rules for your own home. You can tell him your concerns and ban the items from your home. Enforcement is another issue. Don’t make threats you can’t see yourself keeping.
Is your state or his college state one that has legalized medical pot?
For us it is hard to tell them all the risks when they can pay a small amount and get a medical card and go buy it openly at the local dispensary. Our kids are exposed to a lot of drugs whether they share it with us or not. At least this is the case in my Ca community.
I think your S has had enough red flags that it is time for some serious discussion.
Do you know anyone in recovery who could speak with your S? I think they listen better to someone who has been there versus their parents.</p>
<p>Idinct, one of my favorite bloggers is a woman named Kate Granju who lost her son to drugs last year. She did not kick her son out upon learning that he had used drugs and figured it was just one of those things that kids do and will figure out. Now, of course, she is sick about how she handled the whole thing. Frankly, I don’t think it would have made much of a difference if she had kicked him out or handled it the way she did. The young man had a serious addiction issue that was going to lead to big time problems. I’ve known kids who didn’t get their high school diplomas and ended up on a slab even with mom and dad keeping them home. Sometimes, especially if there are other kids involved and if the kid is truly doing bad things at home that are hurting others and making home no longer a safe house for anyone, the best thing to do is to kick him out. Kicking a kid out of the house is something to do only after serious thought over every bit of the situation and coming to the conclusion that it is clearly the best path or least destructive one. So is any action one should take. Really, we can’t do anything if our child absolutely wants to smoke pot, drink smoke cigarettes, or do much of anything. Unless we watch them every moment, they’ll do when we take our eyes off of them if they are so wired that they want do something.</p>
<p>I told my kid that he loses the door to his bedroom if I found any contraband in his room among some other actions that he was not interested in having happen to him. I also have no intention of subsidizing contraband, so any cash flow to him would stop. Having made good on a number of things when he was younger, he knew full well I would do it. </p>
<p>Mom60, I don’t permit cigarette smoking in my house. Nor do I permit food and/or drinks in the bedroom or any where other than the family room, kitchen, dining room, formal living room except under special circumstance. With all the kids in my house with their friends, if I didn’t have those rules, I’d have vermin. If I let them eat sandwiches, crackers, etc in be and drink beer closed up in their rooms, it would be a problem. It has nothing to do with the legality. It’s your house. </p>
<p>I had to explain to college kids come home that it is rude to go out a buy a big fat smelly sausage/meatball sub just for yourself and sit down at the kitchen table and eat it in front of everyone. You don’t just buy yourself beer and start drinking it. There are courtesies that make our house our home. When our kids came home from college they forgot a lot of the manners and rules that are just pure politeness. You tell people where you are going (to some degree) and when you will be back home and if something comes up you tell them. Not because of any parental control thing but because it is the right thing to do. Sheesh, if I took off one night and didn’t come home, the dogs, the cops, the FBI would be out looking for ME and I am not a dependent. And everyone would be hurt if I started eating a frigging sandwich I picked up from somewhere that looked good in front of everyone with having some share options. Because that’s the way our house works. And has always worked.<br>
So, Mom60, they can buy their pot or their cigarettes and smoke them elsewhere than in your house if you don’t want that in hour house. Even if they use a spoof.</p>
<p>I am guessing that given how many times he has been caught by the university he is probably on thin ice with them. Do you know if he is allowed to live in the dorm? Also there are academic consequences that he may not be telling you about. He won’t pass the drug test. I think that you could have a conversation with him about how regardless of whether he thinks he has a problem, it is causing a problem in his life. I wouldn’t bother with drug testing.</p>
<p>Neither the state we live in, nor the state he goes to school in have laws legalizing any form of marijuana. Good old Midwest. The college where he goes to school is known for partying. (No, it’s not Madison), but they are also VERY strict in enforcing rules. Unfortunately, he will be living in an apartment next year, so that has me concerned, also. Lease is signed so I don’t see how we can change the living situation. </p>
<p>I have had a very good discussion with him. At first he was on the defensive because he found out I had rummaged through his stuff BEFORE I was able to tell him. (I forgot to put something back that I had to move…I was kind of in shock at what I found). </p>
<p>Once we both calmed down, we had a good heart to heart. I don’t know if he lied to me during our discussion…probably…so I don’t know know everything. But I do feel very comfortable continuing the dialogue. He understood my position (seemed to, anyway). He’ll be under my roof for about 3 months, where I’ll be able to monitor him and make sure he’s doing okay in general. Hopefully at the end of the 3 months I’ll feel comfortable sending him back to college with maybe a little bit of wisdom under his hat.</p>
<p>“I am guessing that given how many times he has been caught by the university he is probably on thin ice with them. Do you know if he is allowed to live in the dorm? Also there are academic consequences that he may not be telling you about. He won’t pass the drug test. I think that you could have a conversation with him about how regardless of whether he thinks he has a problem, it is causing a problem in his life.”–switters</p>
<p>If it’s been 3 wks since he’s smoked, and he only smoked once in a while, you still think he won’t pass the test? (Of course this is what he TOLD me…may very well not be true.) He just went in yesterday to take the test and will hear Monday or Tuesday. </p>
<p>I would suspect he’s not allowed back at the dorms, but I haven’t checked into it. </p>
<p>Good point that whether he as a problem with pot or not, it is causing a problem in his life.</p>
<p>KMPete, I always recommend parents make sure that they know their kids standing at the college. I knew a parent who basically paid for nothing one year because he did not check. You can live pretty well on a reimbursement check from the bursar. There are a number of kids around many colleges who are no longer students for some reason or other but are just hanging around. Colleges don’t always get communications to the parents eve when things are doing pretty badly.</p>
<p>I don’t permit smoking at all in my house, but smoking pot in the bedroom alone is something that scares me as my cousin’s son started a fire that way. One student poster here was saying how stupid one has to be to be caught with pot and how it isn’t so dangerous. Well, any smoking, and fire when you are sleepy and stupid which pot makes you can be dangerous. You also get caught when you are sleepy and stupid. Throw in the careless element and his attitude about all of this, and it is volatile to me.</p>