<p>Sorry, i'm kind of a hardass about this one. While I basically agree with all of the suggestions of paying3tuition, ultimately I pay, I decide; you pay, you decide.</p>
<p>To OP,</p>
<p>I'm sympathetic with your situations. I Love Cali too (but not LA). You really need to see USC's FA offer to make a decision. $45k/yr is hard to justify for most family. Are you still qualified as a CA resident? If yes, would that make UCLA a much better option paying in-state tuition? Also, have you considered UT-Austin (McComb is very good) or Tulane? Both are a lot closer and maybe <$20k if you have good stats.</p>
<p>I've seen the notion put forth in other threads but maybe here and now I'll just say that the paradigm of "whoever does the paying gets to decide" is a lousy paradigm, both for family relationships and decision-making throughout life.</p>
<p>But it is THE paradigm that matters. The old saying "he who pays the fiddler calls the tune" has been around a long time for a reason.</p>
<p>Yes, if I thought that a place were dangerous, I wouldn't pay for my kid to go there. However, if my kid were to pay for his own education, he could go wherever he chose.</p>
<p>College is totally about you as long as you're the one who obtains the money to pay for it.</p>
<p>My own mom wouldn't let me apply to West Coast schools because she said they were too far away and she'd miss me. She was paying the bulk of the costs, so I had to bow to her wishes. I was, however, happy with the East Coast school where I went, and afterward, I spent a year in grad school in my dream state -- California. I paid for it with fellowships and jobs.</p>
<p>One has to hope that the relationship between parent and student hasn't degenerated so far as to where there has to be "My way or the highway" ultimatums. If it has , college would be the least of my worries.:(</p>
<p>Agreed but the kid needs to be realistic and get off the "dream school" ideal.</p>
<p>barrons, at my house there was always that caveat or qualifier - "best school that we can afford". D didn't really ever have a dream school. Since affordability had been discussed since 10th grade (at least) there was never an issue at my house. Ultimately D made a choice that saved us $9-10K a year out of pocket (from the next most reasonable merit option - UMiami at Room and Board only). Our total budget including loans was around $15k so within that range she had 3 merit choices, one need-only choice, and one state school choice. (With another 5 choices a few K over that could have been met by her taking a greater share.)</p>
<p>If you plan this right everybody can meet their needs. Not necessarily all their wants. Cue The Stones. LOL</p>
<p>In my house the rule is that there are some schools for which we will pay full price, some schools require substantial aid, and some for which we will not contribute at all. The point is that there is no god-given right to parental support for college; the parents need to set the parameters (hopefully after discussion with the kids) and the kids need to live with them or find alternative sources of financing.</p>
<p>I think being in LA in general is a much better life-shaping world-broadening experience than being stuck in Mississippi (a state that I had the good fortune to escape when I was very young)...the economic, business, and cultural comparisons all tilt heavily in SoCal's direction imnsvho.</p>
<p>I'm glad somebody has lived in this place as well to compare the 2 places. Many people that haven't visited this part of the country might see it as whinnying, but there's truly nothing around here. It truly is like living a couple of years behind cali and LA in terms of people and businesses/economy (seriously no joke).</p>
<p>It sounds as if your Dad had some disappointing experiences, didn't like SoCal therefore, and expects you (out of loyalty? projection?) to feel the same way. Ummm.</p>
<p>yes he does. he's always comparing the way he was with his father to the way we (my brother and I) are with him. He says things like "I used to do this for my father, and you can't do this for me..." or things of that nature. I guess he expects things done the way he was taught (30 something years ago) and thinks it's the only way or the right way... luckily he is not the "tyrant" type either, he can be pretty flexible with reasonable talks...</p>
<p>God help me, it's not often that I encourage someone in the direction of USC but this is one of those times. Maybe I should go and light a candle.</p>
<p>any reasons for not encouraging people to USC ? or is it just because of MS ? lol</p>
<p>Sorry, i'm kind of a hardass about this one. While I basically agree with all of the suggestions of paying3tuition, ultimately I pay, I decide; you pay, you decide.</p>
<p>While I would agree with this statement if it was a decision that would only affect him. The truth is I will also be putting money towards the EFC/costs (not as much as they will, but it is still money I earned) and I will be taking out loans to pay after graduation most likely. I highly doubt I can graduate debt-free, even if I go to the state school... him making the decision of where I will attend college or shooting my idea down like that, is not right. If he'd be paying 100% of all the costs, then I might agree, but he won't... Besides he won't be the one spending the next couple of years there. It is easy to say what school he likes or doesn't like, but he won't be the one living there for years. It scares me to think some people would actually do that to their children "my way or the Highway". I guess I'm luckier than I thought...</p>
<p>Are you still qualified as a CA resident? If yes, would that make UCLA a much better option paying in-state tuition?</p>
<p>No. I had researched if there were any out-of state tuition waivers or something of that sort to get instate tuition, but apparently I had to graduate from a california high school to get those. Lucky me, I left before my senior year even though I had attended the previous 3 years in a cali High school...</p>
<p>Also, have you considered UT-Austin (McComb is very good) or Tulane? Both are a lot closer and maybe <$20k if you have good stats.</p>
<p>I have considered UT. I believe it's 18-19k for out of state (housing included) but I don't know if their FA department is any good since I'm out of state. And even though I have a pretty good record academically, I don't know how I will fare with their so-called "10% rule" in the admissions process...</p>
<p>One has to hope that the relationship between parent and student hasn't degenerated so far as to where there has to be "My way or the highway" ultimatums. If it has , college would be the least of my worries.</p>
<p>Great point!. I do have to say I'm blessed my parents aren't like that. While they are worried about my safety and all that (and it's very appreciated), I know if I can show them that they are wrong and I give them good solutions to the problems, they will eventually loosen up (my hope right now).</p>
<p>Agreed but the kid needs to be realistic and get off the "dream school" ideal.</p>
<p>I have seriously worked my butt off in school for a ton of time. I do have dreams and high aspirations and If I can attend a top-notch university thanks to my hard work and dedication, I will do anything I can to make it happen. If I hadn't any aspirations or dreams, I doubt I would have even made it through high school. However, I won't let an erroneous idea (that USC is not safe) stop me from going there after all these years of work. Will I break the bank or take out $100k in loans or do something crazy and stupid like that to go there ? no, but a fallacy also won't keep me from doing it...</p>
<p>the parents need to set the parameters (hopefully after discussion with the kids) and the kids need to live with them or find alternative sources of financing.</p>
<p>I agree with your statement. But the fact is, that my parents haven't set any parameters. They have only let me do my research and decisions though eventually they will approve them...</p>
<p>I know this decision affects the entire family, but just like I think I'm flexible by applying to various schools he wants me to (and I detest), I think he could be a little bit more flexible as well before shooting my ideas down after a whole 1 1/2 hours of "thinking it through" as he called it...</p>
<p>I totally agree that parents should set financial parameters. However, to limit your life by setting geographical ones is just plain selfish. They just want you to be close because they love you is an immature definition of love. This is your adult life.</p>
<p>Barrons: I understand the reformulation of the Golden Rule as "thems that makes the gold makes the rules." It may be a time honored tradition but it is essentially flawed and sucks dead fish with a straw, whether you're talking family dynamics or government social policy. It's a cheap and easy cliche in lieu of actually having to think and parties engaging an issue with mutual respect and consideration.</p>
<p>Do I think a student dependent upon parental support should be able to make any choice he/she wants without consequences or with regard to parental conditions? No.</p>
<p>But neither do I think that parents "own" their students' lives and should impose their own tastes, values, criteria, and judgments in an arbitrary manner.</p>
<p>RX, you can probably Google the most recent thread about USC and find my comments. Compared to many options, and with some programs such as Film/TV specifically excluded, I'm not wild about the academic rigor and intellectual climate of USC, where way too much is made of the social opportunities and the "school spirit," both bad primary reasons to choose a college imnsvho. However, compared to your other options....</p>
<p>I suppose when push comes to shove, many of USC's adherents view it as an "A" college and I view it as a "B" overall. YMMV.</p>
<p>If you are 18 you are pretty much free to make any choice you care to--provided you are prepared to take all the responsibility too. After hearing all the input--be it politics or family--somebody has to be the "decider" and that is the funding father (or mother) (where is he anyway??). The person with the $$$ at risk generally sees the big picture better and parents are parents because they have been through life muich longer than some 18 year old. They know about choices and consequences. Most will be reasonable and do the best they can. What if they are arbitrary--do you propose a lawsuit to go to the college of your choice??</p>
<p>Have to agree with a lot of what Barrons says...the $$$ should have a say in the decisions. And while the parents should be able to negotiate & compromise on some things, sounds like OP is maybe a teensy bit self-centered (Even the thread title suggests this: Isn't college supposed to be about me...no sweetie, it's about you getting the best education you can, at the prices you and/or parents can afford. But emphasis is on education, not you.) As for lawsuits...my guess is the court would order full emancipation. Then you may qualify for a grant because parents wouldn't be responsible for anything!</p>
<p>I've only skimmed this post, but I have an idea for OP to consider:</p>
<p>Is it possible your father is jealous and resentful of you and your opportunities? I had a mother like that -- she never went to college (finances didn't permit) and she was always trying to compete with me to show me that she was as smart, etc.</p>
<p>Is it possible that he doesn't want you to have what he couldn't or didn't have?</p>
<p>"After hearing all the input--be it politics or family--somebody has to be the "decider" and that is the funding father (or mother) (where is he anyway??)."</p>
<p>as I said, the family will be funding it. My mom & dad and myself included will be all putting money forth for the education and in my case most of my contribution will be loans.</p>
<p>"The person with the $$$ at risk generally sees the big picture better and parents are parents because they have been through life muich longer than some 18 year old. They know about choices and consequences."</p>
<p>that's the thing, their only money "at risk" is the EFC. I have savings, and loans that I will have to eventually take out as well and myself will be also "at risk", so I want to make sure I make the right decision. Not just because I'm not paying for it directly doesn't mean I'm going to careless about the whole process and just go to my top choice regardless of anything else (other schools's offers, FA package, etc) (how can a college education be a risk anyways ?).</p>
<p>"What if they are arbitrary--do you propose a lawsuit to go to the college of your choice??"</p>
<p>If you've read my previous statements, I've made it clear I don't intend to make my first choice, my only choice. We are discussing schools, but the issue at hand is his lack of a good reason for me to not attend that school. Find me a good one and I'll agree completely. Bogus answers don't cut it though. Just like they don't cut it for him, they don't for me either. I won't just tell him "i'm going to this school because I like it and that's it", I show him the facts and the real/good reasons behind such decisions, not bogus ones...</p>
<p>"Have to agree with a lot of what Barrons says...the $$$ should have a say in the decisions."</p>
<p>Have I ever said in this post that finances don't matter ?, trust me I'm the first one to say that if I don't get a good deal, I won't go to that school and take giant loans... the first post dealt with security, distance issues and the fact that my dad doesn't believe undergrad "matters much". I don't think I've ever said anything about finances cause I believe we're very much on the same page on that...</p>
<p>"sounds like OP is maybe a teensy bit self-centered (Even the thread title suggests this: Isn't college supposed to be about me...no sweetie, it's about you getting the best education you can, at the prices you and/or parents can afford. But emphasis is on education, not you.)"</p>
<p>Maybe I am, but the fact is I will be paying $$ for that education as well, and I will be the one spending years there. I don't accept the fact that he imposes his will based on bogus facts... again you talk about financial issues, and I have no problem with that issue either. i believe very much so my dad and I are on the same page with the money issue. The issue I presented is about distance, security and him saying "undergrad doesn't matter much", not financial issues.. And won't I be getting the education ? not him ?. You say the emphasis is on education, well isn't attending a private university better than a state school (in the worse state of the U.S.) ?. He's basically putting around the same amount of $$ for w/e school I choose, his reasons for shooting down that particular school were previously stated.</p>
<p>"Is it possible that he doesn't want you to have what he couldn't or didn't have?"</p>
<p>no definitely no, In fact it's the other way around. They want the best for me and repeatedly say so..</p>
<p>
[quote]
The person with the $$$ at risk generally see the big picture better...."
[/quote]
</p>
<p>LOL. And NFW as an absolute. The person with the $$$ at risk generally see their $$$ best. That's as far as I'll go. If that's what you believe, then we should run this country according to the whims of the ogliarchs, the plutocrats, and the editorial board of the WSJ.</p>
<p>Oh...wait...never mind.</p>
<p>Funny, we've managed to navigate family relationships for a quarter of a century without any one of us being "the decider." And D had a voice at the table as soon as she could reasonably express herself. Didn't mean that she got her way on everything, but her opinions went into the mix, appropriately framed with financial implications as necessary, e.g., "If we do X, we will not be able to do A, B, and C."</p>
<p>It's fair game, imo, to say, "Our contribution can not exceed X" and "we strongly advise that you not encumber your future beyond Y." And it's fair game to point out concerns, flashing yellow lights, etc. But to impose an arbitrary decision is not reflective of a healthy family dynamic, imo. Authoritative discussion is one thing, authoritarian decision making is another. Part of the whole business of bring up a child to adulthood is the development of autonomy and independence. You just don't dump it on them wholesale when they turn 21.</p>
<p>And I'm happy to report that as an unintended side effect, our D has gotten to be very good at lining up her argumentative ducks. There are times I've challenged her proposed solutions, when I privately already agreed with them, just to see how she'd make the case. And she has done well, because she has been expected to do so for years. And her solution winds up being better than mine a fair percentage of the time, fwiw.</p>
<p>not to be the stuffed shirt. But, if you're going to except their money, you gotta listen to their tune. </p>
<p>There's an easy solution but you don't like it. Many of us, in our day just paid for our own education. Mom and Dad had no say as they weren't spending their money, I was spending mine. </p>
<p>So if you're expecting finanical help from mom and dad, you have to be very diplomatic about the whole thing. While some moms and dads may not care to have a say in the money they're footing for school, what you have is not unnatural by any means. SC for out of staters is pretty pricey, and money is an object. </p>
<p>If you want to go to SC nothing really is stopping you. You just might have to figure out how to pay for it. Mom and Dad aren't bad people either way, they just have concerns you have yet to satisfy. You could keep trying and at the same time look and see if you can swing it. </p>
<p>All your experiencing is life, where dreams and money don't match. For99% of the population that's a daily occurrance. good luck and don't hate your parents if they don't buge. We're only expect to raise a kid to 18, everything beyond that is gravy.</p>
<p>"Maybe I am, but the fact is I will be paying $$ for that education as well, and I will be the one spending years there. I don't accept the fact that he imposes his will based on bogus facts.."</p>
<p>I agree with you and with your parents. You have the right to go to the college of your choice. Your parents have the right to use their money as they see fit.</p>
<p>So, if you want to go to LA or to some other place that your parents don't agree with, your choice is to find a way to do that in which you wouldn't be relying on your parents. This may mean that you'd need to take a year off and reapply to places where you're likely to get merit aid. It may mean that you will need to join ROTC or to take a year or 2 off and do Americorps, which would give you (in addition to a weekly stipend of about $200), $4,700 for each year of Americorps service. That is $ that would be designated for you to use for college.</p>
<p>In addition, you could take out loans, work 60 hours a week during the summer, work during the school year, including now, to earn $ for college.</p>
<p>When I taught college, one of my best former students had gone to the college over his parents' objections. They literally threatened to disown him, and then stopped speaking to him for 6 months after he chose the college -- one that they wouldn't even transport him to although it was just a 2-hour drive away.</p>
<p>He managed to go to the college with full merit aid. It was the right choice for him. It was excellent in his major, and as a result of contacts and mentoring there, he got some national awards, met the Prez of the U.S. twice, and graduated to an excellent job in his chosen field. By the time he'd graduated, his parents had admitted their error, were speaking to him, and were indeed bragging about him to all of their friends. At the graduation party that they threw for him, his dad publicly apologized for discouraging his son's attendance at that college.</p>
<p>So -- if your dream is important to you, you can find a way to attain it even if your parents don't support it.</p>
<p>P.S. From what you've posted, sounds like your parents are small town folks afraid of what could happen to you in the big city. They are trying hard to be good parents. While I've been around the country and world enough to be comfortable with my kids living in places like LA (where my older S lived after dropping out of college), I still can have empathy for people who are scared of big cities and think that if their kid goes to one, their kid's life would be at risk.</p>
<p>My opinion about life in LA differs from your parents', but I still have respect for the fact that apparently your dad is trying to protect you. Since you are an adult, your choice is whether to live within his apparently lovingly-imposed restrictions or whether to have the guts and creativity to blaze your own path to the college of your choice.</p>
<p>First, I must agree with the posters who suggested the real issue with the parents is $$$ are probably right. It's very, very difficult for a lot of parents to tell their children they cannot afford whatever it is the child wants, especially if it's something "legit" like a college education.That said, I have a constructive suggestion: If you're currently in community college, will at least some of your CC hours transfer to the local State Univ? In my area, most CC core courses will transfer to State U for required core courses on every Bachelor's degree. My point is this--could you transfer CC credits to the Univ your Dad chooses in MS & take classes for a year or so, earning more credits towards ultimate degree/career choice, and then finish up last year or so at your real choice in California? This might be the way to go, and possibly with your parents' full support (psychological & financial.) First, it'd keep you close a little a while longer (good for them, especially if it truly is a separation-anxiety situation - it's easier to let an adult child go than a perceived adolescent.) Second, it'd keep you on track for your goal--and if the local school is that much easier than your dream schools, you might be able to work more & save up more $ toward your ultimate dream, while actually cutting down some of the future expense by getting cheaper credit hours locally. This might be a compromise that would help both sides in the family: it'd delay your dream but not derail it--you'd actually be working toward the goal, not just spinning your wheels in a hick-town/hick-college. (which also might help with the parental units...by demonstrating that you've got a real plan, and constructively following it, you might be convincing them you're ready for the additional responsibility and difficulties of moving a long distance away to finish your education.) I know some kids start with this idea, and do get sidetracked (drop out, stay at the state school, etc.) but I also know many kids who do go the CC/local Univ route for 2-3 years to make the expensive power-school affordable - or went local to make the ultra-grad school affordable. As someone pointed out on another thread--even if you only go to USC for your final year, your diploma says USC, not CC, not MS. YOU can make it work...just depends on how powerful that dream is.</p>