Isn't college supposed to be about me ?

Parent Cafe
61

<p>OpiefromMayberry and Northstarmom: I have heard your same exact opinions over and over again in this thread. I understand where you're coming from, but apparently just like a 3rd grader that doesn't follow directions at school, you haven't provided much inside on the issues I presented at hand. I have asked for help regarding the issues I POSTED IN THE ORGINIAL THREAD !!, not about w/e issue you want to make up. Please refrain from posting in my thread again if that's all the insight you can provide, as I don't need to hear none of that anymore. It's ironic that I'm immature because I don't want to go to the university of my choice and I have to go to a school that I totally detest... ok that's your own, narrow-minded opinion and I don't want to hear anything about it anymore, thanks for your time.</p>

<p>And you both have NO RIGHT to post my financial issues/background in this thread. I didn't chose to post them on this thread and you have no right to search for my posts and post them on here (what's this anyways ? a background check ? ).</p>

<p>"Clearly, finances are a concern for the parents. It's not as if the OP's parents are wealthy or have large incomes and a lot of savings and home equity."</p>

<p>yes they are a concern just like for any other family. That's why I told them (and will post in this thread ONCE again) THAT IF I DON'T GET A GOOD PACKAGE OF FINANCIAL AID I WON'T ATTEND THE DAMN SCHOOL... DO YOU THINK YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THAT ONCE AND FOR ALL ?</p>

<p>"Since the OP has been going to community college and indicates that in high school, he had a good gpa and ECs, there's a good chance that he has merit aid and/or need based aid there and is not having to pay much out of pocket. If he has also been working during the school year and summer, he may have amassed a sizeable chunk of his EFC at his transfer college"</p>

<p>yes I did, and I got into many VERY good universities out of high school, but couldn't attend because of financial issues. Now I have more money saved and my family is in better shape money-wise.</p>

<p>"While the OP says that USC is his dream school, from his other posts, he has been recently interested in schools ranging from Georgetown to Emory to NYU, indicating a lot of flexiblity in his considerations as well as his being interested mainly in reach schools. It's hard enough for transfers to get the large amount of need-based aid that he wants. It would be even harder for students who are attempting to transfers from a community college to a top rated school even though the transfers have good gpas like the OP says he has."</p>

<p>From what I know, you're not an adcom, and even if you were I wasn't asking you about your opinions of where I'd get accepted. I am interested in attending the best school I can, that's why I have been working my ass off for the last 6/7 years. I want to provide myself with a better future. I am extremely flexible when it comes to school. I don't care where they are located as long as they are strong in my field and they cover 100% need (wonder why I threw NYU out of the window ??)</p>

<p>You're saying I can get into a particular school or get the FA I need because I'm from a CC and i'm a URM ?</p>

<p>"I hope that the OP has some back-ups including colleges where he's sure he can get in and also can get the aid that he needs."</p>

<p>Yes I do, but even those schools don't meet more than 70ish% of need, so at the end of the day, it might even cost about the same as other "dream"/"reach" schools.</p>

<p>"I didn't catch this or I would have been really harsh to this kid... They are middle aged with basically NO money for retirement. For them to even offer to help with what little they have and for the OP to expect them to fund his dream school, changes the dynamic considerably in my opinion."</p>

<p>I'm sorry again, but does your brain also NOT work ?. If you have read ANY of my posts (which I'm sure you haven't as somebody else has already stated), you would know that they are giving me an X amount of money for whatever school I chose. Whether it costs 100k a semester or 15k, I WILL GET THE SAME AMOUNT OF AID FROM THEM !!!, it is up to me to come up with the rest of the money... capish already ?. I don't have apples or oranges to explain it to you through internet, so I'm sorry if you still don't understand it.</p>

<p>You have judged me, criticized me, questioned me and still haven't offered help into the issues I presented. I asked for help with 3 issues, none of which you paid attention to and drifted into other subjects you decided to.</p>

<p>I am sorry for the lack of respect I have shown in this post towards you two, but if you don't respect me either I have no reason to do it to you... as I said, you have no right to post what you posted. If I wanted that information posted here, i would have posted it myself.</p>

<p>As far as paying3tuitions, TheDad and the rest of the people that have helped me with this issue, thank you a lot for taking the time to do so, it is very much appreciated and I will take into consideration every advice given on here.</p>

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<p>When you post things expect people to read them. There is no "off limits" area here. Many times we have had posters say one thing here and another there and they are to be called on it. Expect your other posts to be reviewed to check for authenticity and to get additional insights. Don't blame the messenger.</p>

63

<p>where to start where to start,</p>

<p>Immaturity possibility? comfirmed. </p>

<p>"I'm immature because I don't want to go to the university of my choice "</p>

<p>No, your immature not because you have a dream school, but how you've expressed your expectations. Your dream isn't immature, it's just not realistic to the situation. </p>

<p>Your immature because you can't see your parents financial situation for what it is..bleak and be man enough to say "no mom and dad, I don't want you to tap retirement and home equity for me. That's your money, not mine." </p>

<p>That's maturity son, the ability to realize that the "gift" of helping you at all is a great finanical burden to your mom and dad. Their middle aged with little money, don't you have a problem taking from them? </p>

<p>"my family is in better shape money-wise."</p>

<p>NO, they're not. If those numbers are remotely true or within another 50k, they are not in good finanical shape at all. They have no equity in the house, have no real retirement savings and only a few working years left.
Those are bad numbers at 30, awful at 45-50, and hopeless at 55. If they were my parents I wouldn't ask for anything. </p>

<p>In fact, you should be thinking of how your going to have to take care of them in about 20 years. </p>

<p>" If you have read ANY of my posts (which I'm sure you haven't as somebody else has already stated), you would know that they are giving me an X amount of money for whatever school I chose. Whether it costs 100k a semester or 15k, I WILL GET THE SAME AMOUNT OF AID FROM THEM "</p>

<p>Should you take it? And my brain may not work, but my common sense does. If those financials are true, they really can't do both. Your not a business major or math major are you? Pencil it out. </p>

<p>"I said, you have no right to post what you posted."</p>

<p>fair enough, I have no right. Does it mean I'm wrong? I haven't really blasted you until this post kid, I posed some questions about your approach to your parents to bring them onboard. However, realizing their financial situation being what it is...I'm suggesting you become a bigger man and buck up and figure out what you can do on your own. </p>

<p>It can be done, I did it CC and then a state university working my butt off the whole way(45 hours a week) . But my folks didn't have two nickles to rub together and my step dad died at 43 while I was still in school, leaving me just starting a family, finishing school and now taking care of my mom. EVERYBODY wants an dream way to go about college son. It just isn't in the cards for all of them. You can be anything you want to and go anywhere you want to, I just hope you don't have to do it at your parents expense. </p>

<p>If that makes me a jerk to you or anyone else here, I can live with that.</p>

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<p>I never said I didn't mind them reading it, but to post them wherever they feel like they want to is totally uncalled for and disrespectful. If you want to read it, go search for it, but don't spread it around wherever you like, like wildfire.. and don't worry I don't say things here and then say other things on other threads, I stick to my stories.</p>

<p>"Expect your other posts to be reviewed to check for authenticity"</p>

<p>Am I on the middle of an interview for a CIA/FBI job or something ?, I just asked for help regarding information posted on the original post. I didn't ask them to spread around information I posted somewhere else...</p>

65

<p>RX: what Barrons said. You're off base here in your responses to NSM and OfM. And, yes, your immaturity is showing. </p>

<p>It may well be that your approach is as unreasonable as your father's. I'm really sympathetic to several aspects of your situation but you're making it difficult to sustain.</p>

66

<p>Although I am an adult, I'm pretty hot-headed. I have learned not to write or even speak when I'm very angry. So I'm going to give you some advice that you might not like. When you want to send an angry post or irate email, write it in Word or an email to yourself then read it later, when you've cooled down, and decide if you want to edit it or not send it at all. </p>

<p>The last response was right that you must assume that anything you post is available to everyone. Some of these parents were able to develop a fairly complete profile through your various posts. Could a college admissions officer identify you through those details? Do you think they would be impressed by your most recent outburst?</p>

<p>You seem like a hard-working and ambitious person who is very frustrated and tense about the future. You alternate between thoughtful statements and immature and insensitive ones that you must know will "push buttons." As a parent, the title of your thread - to paraphrase, it's all about me - is really annoying. I think that's part of the reason you've received a bad reaction. Rather than get angry at the responders, slow down, look in the mirror, and realize that if you are having that affect on people, it isn't a good thing and isn't going to serve you well in the future. </p>

<p>There are lots more things I'd like to say but I'm sure I've lectured long enough. Believe it or not, I and the other parents on this board do wish you well.</p>

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<p>are we going overboard here...OP IS actually a kid--and to say a kid is immature is like saying sugar is sweet. Kids are supposed to be immature...and this one is demonstrating some maturity at least in asking for advice. Sounds like we're tending to give the same answers his folks are giving, or even worse ones. And Opie, I have to say, it's the parents choice if they prefer to spend portion of budget on college ed for children instead of funding retirement. We're in the retirement planning biz...this practice is actually very, very common (fair number of people cash in or borrow against retirement accts.) The funny thing is, those who shell out big bucks for the kids' ed and skimp on retirement svgs for those years also tend to be the folks with the most money at actual retirement...they get so used to no spare $$ that once the college bills are done, the same $$ & more go into the retirement savings. They may play catch-up, but they play it well & fast.</p>

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<p>Even if you start a thread, you clearly do not own it. Internet, and non-internet, discussions often have a life of their own. You will get an opportunity to vent. You might get some new information or insights. But don't expect to solve major problems with advice from the internet.</p>

69

<p>"My parents only have about $30k in their 401k (for the two of them) and about $35k in home equity. There's no other savings from me or them... "</p>

<p>Holy Moley! I'm impressed that they are offering financial help at all. What do they do? What's their income?</p>

<p>Now, I think it's unreasonable for them to cross USC off your list for (allegedly) safety reasons alone. But if they want to be unreasonable, they're entitled to do that, and it may not be possible to change their minds. I would revisit the question when and if you get in and you have a financial aid estimate in hand. Your best bet is to let it lie till then.</p>

<p>"And you both have NO RIGHT to post my financial issues/background in this thread."</p>

<p>No, other posters have the right to post whatever they want to within the rules of the board. You are the OP, but it is not "your" thread. CC is the only authority for what's acceptable around here. Quoting posts from other threads is very common and perfectly legitimate under the rules. The only person pushing the limits of civil discourse on this thread is you.</p>

<p>My final piece of advice: look into the Business program at Ole Miss. I think it's better than MS State, and has a better nationwide reputation to boot.</p>

70

<p>"Your immature because you can't see your parents financial situation for what it is..bleak and be man enough to say "no mom and dad, I don't want you to tap retirement and home equity for me. That's your money, not mine.""</p>

<p>That's exactly what you STILL don't understand. The money they will put down will come from income alone. They won't tap into retirement of home equity to pay for a 40k/year education. You make assumptions as if you'd knew everything about the finances and you don't. PLEASE quit making assumptions and involving topics that are none of your (or anybody else's ) business (no offense) and which I didn't ask help with.</p>

<p>"Their middle aged with little money, don't you have a problem taking from them?"</p>

<p>They don't have a problem giving it to me, else they would flat out tell me they can't give me anything. I know I will have to repay the favor once I'm out and having a regular income, but again my family's finances are not being asked to be discussed in this thread and yet it is STILL being discussed...</p>

<p>"NO, they're not."</p>

<p>yes they are, do you know about my family's financial situation 1 year ago ? since you don't have some god-given ability to know these things, I'm going to assume you don't ?. I know the numbers aren't good, but they were much worse a year ago. so YES they are in better shape. Again why does the $$ issue keeps being discussed?. I didn't ask help with it, I don't want my family's finances to be spread around for everybody to enjoy and read.</p>

<p>"Should you take it? And my brain may not work, but my common sense does. If those financials are true, they really can't do both. Your not a business major or math major are you? Pencil it out."</p>

<p>Have I EVER posted the amount they expect to contribute ?, I don't think so, how do you know how much they're going to contribute without me telling you ?... again you're discussing financial issues, my dad and I are on the same page...</p>

<p>"fair enough, I have no right. Does it mean I'm wrong?"</p>

<p>Yes you're wrong in posting information that is of no concern to you or anybody else in this thread. I felt quite disrespected and humiliated by all the judging and your actions/comments. But I guess that doesn't matter to you, fair enough... besides this thread is so you can give me opinions and help me with this issue, not to boost your (or anybody else's) ego about whether you're right or wrong on a particular argument. </p>

<p>"I haven't really blasted you until this post kid, I posed some questions about your approach to your parents to bring them onboard. However, realizing their financial situation being what it is...I'm suggesting you become a bigger man and buck up and figure out what you can do on your own."</p>

<p>I can't do anything on my own, no 20 year old can support himself 100%, not even attending the state school. What do you think they will pay a 20 year old with an unfinished AA degree so far?. All I can do is bust my butt in school and work to contribute as much as I possibly can towards continuing my education. Do you think you're rational when you ask a 20 year old with less than 2 years of college to maintain himself entirely through college years ?. Unless there's some job out there that pays me $25 an hour, I don't see how can that be possible and still be able to attend college and get a degree...</p>

<p>"You can be anything you want to and go anywhere you want to, I just hope you don't have to do it at your parents expense. "</p>

<p>again, you apparently STILL haven't gotten the idea. You keep talking and talking about the finances. I know the finances well, trust me. That will be the #1 reason I will/won't attend a particular school. My dad and mom have had a talk with me and told me how much the can put down and will do so for w/e school I go to. ... I'm not going to put a burden on them or even myself with humongous loans/tap into retirement to go to school. In fact, if you have read any of my previous posts (As I have already asked/stated and will do so again), you'd see that I don't intend them to take out 100k loans to pay for a college degree, regardless of what college it is. It all depends on the package that each school offers and how much aid I'm able to get thanks to my work... it's something I don't know If I'm being understood as I don't know how else to explain it and have done so numerous times already.</p>

<p>"what Barrons said. You're off base here in your responses to NSM and OfM. And, yes, your immaturity is showing. "</p>

<p>again, maybe it is maturity to some of you, but not to me. I know I was pretty off base with earlier comments and i'm sorry for them, but I felt incredibly disrespected and humiliated... maturity IMO would have been using that same tone in earlier posts when they were trying to help, but I didn't. </p>

<p>"Although I am an adult, I'm pretty hot-headed. I have learned not to write or even speak when I'm very angry. So I'm going to give you some advice that you might not like. When you want to send an angry post or irate email, write it in Word or an email to yourself then read it later, when you've cooled down, and decide if you want to edit it or not send it at all."</p>

<p>I will try that but again, it's something I would have felt the same way 1 hour or 6 hours afterwards. I never disrespected or/and humiliated anybody in previous posts, but they did so and apparently don't care. That, regardless when I read it, will bother me and irritate me a lot.</p>

<p>"The last response was right that you must assume that anything you post is available to everyone. Some of these parents were able to develop a fairly complete profile through your various posts."</p>

<p>As I said, I have no problem if you search my name and read my other posts and formulate your own idea of me. But to do post all that information for 1,800+ people so far to see and discuss when I didn't approve/ask to be discussed is another issue all together. </p>

<p>I asked help with distance/security reasons, not to be judged on whether my family was rich or poor, or if I could get into a particular school or not, or to look down @ me just because I had to attend a CC out of high school. That's totally disrespectful, rude and humiliating, but I guess there's no "immaturity" on the person that posted this because he/she is supposedly an adult even though she/he didn't act like one when they made those remarks.</p>

<p>"You seem like a hard-working and ambitious person who is very frustrated and tense about the future. You alternate between thoughtful statements and immature and insensitive ones that you must know will "push buttons.""</p>

<p>I am ambitious,hard-working and tense as well. Every day goes by and I don't see any resolution to years of hard work. I admit am pretty afraid of not having a chance to finish my studies or go someplace where I'll feel extremely unhappy. You're right it does make me tense and feisty...</p>

<p>"I think that's part of the reason you've received a bad reaction. Rather than get angry at the responders, slow down, look in the mirror, and realize that if you are having that affect on people, it isn't a good thing and isn't going to serve you well in the future."</p>

<p>I don't see how I offended or disrespected anybody in this thread. In fact I think I have been a good sport until those last posts and have heard suggestions from everybody. I know i'm not a badass and I know everything, that's why I asked for advice. But to constantly make opinions on matters that are not of your concern (financial issues my family has no problem with) and making those comments and remarks is rather annoying and uncalled for. They add 0 value to this thread and/or my problems, so I don't see a reason for them to continue.</p>

<p>I made this thread to get information regarding the topics I posted earlier, not to get lectured on topics my family and I have no problems with or to be judged and disrespected like those 2 people decided to do. If you want to help me and provide some insight, it will be tremendously appreciated as it has been so far. If not, I don't see a reason to pollute this thread with useless information and remarks of that kind. </p>

<p>I know the financial aspect might be also a big factor in this stance, and I have already taken it into consideration (since it's been posted since the first reply I got I believe) but again, to post that information, spread it like wildfire and judge me on what schools I can get into or schools that will give me financial aid, or where I go to school currently, is COMPLETELY uncalled for...</p>

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<p>"No, other posters have the right to post whatever they want to within the rules of the board. You are the OP, but it is not "your" thread. CC is the only authority for what's acceptable around here. Quoting posts from other threads is very common and perfectly legitimate under the rules. The only person pushing the limits of civil discourse on this thread is you."</p>

<p>yes, there are no legal reason behind it, but plenty of morals behind it. It is not a question about whether CC accepts it or not, but it's about morals and respect... mind telling me how I'm pushing the civil disclosure on this thread btw?</p>

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<p>"mind telling me how I'm pushing the civil disclosure on this thread btw?"</p>

<p>That would be the screaming and cursing at other posters. We know what's under the asterisks. Suggesting that our brains don't work is likewise disrespectful and uncivil.</p>

<p>"it's about morals and respect"</p>

<p>It is neither immoral nor disrespectful to refer to your posts on other threads. That's what the search function is for. Now, Google-stalking you by using other sites to find information you've never posted here would be over the line (and CC would remove any such post). But it is quite unreasonable to expect every thread on this board to exist in a vacuum. If you want to hide what you've said on other threads, you need to create a new screen name.</p>

<p>"I can't do anything on my own, no 20 year old can support himself 100%, not even attending the state school."</p>

<p>Many, many 20-year-olds are currently doing just that as we speak. The number is probably in the hundreds of thousands. You will probably qualify for merit aid in-state, but even if you don't, taking out $20,000 in loans to cover two years of college is not an unreasonable burden of debt.</p>

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<p>When you ask for advice, be prepared to hear something you might not like. Also be prepared for advice that might be dead wrong or might be based on limited information.</p>

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<p>Way off topic but could not resist telling you my D's response when asked why she didn't want to work at a day camp. She said "I don't really like kids, they're so childish and immature."</p>

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<p>One reason I posted that is because my own "mea culpa": as a parent of 4 gifted kids who all spoke & read early & very well, I found myself way too often expecting the emotionally-equivalent behavior...if they talked like an adult, read like an adult, they should also act like an adult. Wrong! A very sweet little old lady in my neighborhood very softly corrected me once when I chastised them for "not acting their age" at a nearby park -meaning I thought they were acting immaturely. She knew my kids from subbing at school (small town) but did ask their ages...when I replied, she said you know, "I think they ARE acting their age: exactly like school aged kids, and I should know: I taught school for more than 50 years. I think you might be confusing their reading level (both read at the 12th grade level) with their actual age, which was 7 & 9. They may be able to read faster & learn more quickly, but emotional maturity comes from actual real-time life experiences, not intelligence." I was very thankful she pointed that out...although I did have to remind myself quite often over the years, and disabuse a few teachers of the notion that "bright" is a synonym for "advanced maturity."</p>

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<p>Just as inciting to riot does not excuse the subsequent riot, feeling disrespected and humiliated does not justify lashing out. </p>

<p>You've received some good advice and in more areas than perhaps you're willing to admit.</p>

<p>Nebcat, I periodically had to remind myself about that wrt my own D. Still do, upon occasion, though the emotional gap is closing rapidly.</p>

<p>Puzzled, funny you should mention it, but I've given myself 24 hours before I respond to the OP, giving time for my language to temper a tad.</p>

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<p>Just a reminder for everyone: Posting things from other threads isn't against the TOS, but it can be seen as a bit cloak and dagger to some.</p>

<p>Oh, and quote tags are your friend. (quote)your quote here(/quote) Replace the parentheses with brackets like these [] and you get
[quote]
your quote here

[/quote]
</p>

<p>Readability is everyone's friend! :)</p>

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<p>I read and participate in many posts, but have found this one to have become extremely mean-spirited against the OP.
I thought of pressing the "Report Problem Post" but instead am leaving that choice up to the OP.
Espec to Opie: Financial matters were introduced into this thread not initially raised by the OP, who has stuck to his initial point of distance and security and sought advice from other parents in his parents' generation... You seized upon the financials with a tone that is arrogant, condescending and would leave me feeling mighty beaten up, if I were in my 20's.
So there's a reality check for you.</p>

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<p>I think we parents did go off-track quite a bit...personally, the actual title of the thread threw me off for awhile. Once I quit thinking about the merits of the title, and gave up on the possibility of financial considerations being the issue, I did try to address possible ways to get around the actual distance/security stand-off with a suggestion of compromise which would put off the moving away situation for a year or so. Which now, many postings later, it looks to me like OP has already been living most of the compromise I suggested or at least a good part of it (attending local CC for more than a year?) I still wonder, OP, though -- how is the FA search at Cali school going or are you stuck in a FAFSA loop right now? From other threads, it sounds to me like it's may be hard to get meaningful aid at a lot of Cali schools (probably because anywhere in CAli is like a lot of Colorado schools--they don't offer much because they are "destination" schools, have no trouble filling spots because kids love the scenery, weather & amenities of the locale.) While waiting for FA ruling from Cali, maybe you could search similar but closer locales, matching as much criteria as possible? Hey OP-has dear old dad seen this thread--would it help if he did? Sometimes parents can get an eye-opener by reading this kind of thing...</p>

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<p>
[QUOTE]
I can't do anything on my own, no 20 year old can support himself 100%, not even attending the state school. What do you think they will pay a 20 year old with an unfinished AA degree so far?. All I can do is bust my ass in school and work to contribute as much as I possibly can towards continuing my education

[/QUOTE]
</p>

<p>Not true. Say that you don't want to do it, not that you can't do it because you would be suprised at what you could do if you had to do it.</p>

<p>When I was 21 I was a full time student, worked a full time job and was the legal guardian my 15 year old brother as both of my parents were deceased. So yes, I paid for my undergraduate education, got a better job at a fortune 100 company where my employer paid for 2 graduate degree (because my current PhD studies fall out side of the realm of business, I am still paying for my own education).</p>

<p>I don't think that your back ground posts are off limits because it helps to put things into perspective and to give a fuller picture of your situation.<br>
That being said I can look at your situation a little differently.</p>

<p>As you may already know, the cost of attendance to go to
university of mississippi is $10,677 (living on campus)</p>

<p>Even with the 6000 EFC, if ole miss gave you no grants/scholarship aid, the balance of your education could very easily be paid with your junior year stafford loan eligibility of $5500.</p>

<p>Should you get into USC where the cost of attendance is $46,962</p>

<p>where they meet 100% of your demonstrated need packing their FA at 75% grant aid and 25% loans</p>

<p>using that same 6k efc, you will have a demonstrated need of 40,962 (if your package is 25% loans you shoudl be looking at $10,240.</p>

<p>you will end up with the same 5500 stafford loan</p>

<p>hopeully a 4000 perkins loan</p>

<p>you can make up the difference (~750 wose case scenario, if your parents are not eligible for a PLUS loan, you would be eligible for an additional $4000 unsubsidized stafford loan).</p>

<p>some work study
If you get the rest in grant aid, you should be ok.</p>

<p>While your parents may be willing to help you, it will not be with out a hardship to their own situation. Should one of both of them (whatever their situation is) lose a job or have any kind of hardship, there is not even enough money to sustain them for any extended period of time and this is the part that concerns me. I would hope that you could calm down for a moment, take a step back and see why some of the other parents are concerned for your parents. I know that you don't want to see your parents in dire straits, so if possible, I would recommend, working a little harder, saving a little more and doing whatever possible to reduce some of their financial burden and trying to absorb as much of the 6k EFC your self as you can.</p>

<p>good luck</p>