<p>So, a year has passed. The students scattered to their colleges and now are back together for the summer after their freshman year. At a get together at our home, I heard the tales of the first year...and quite frankly, I'm disappointed. This is a group of very bright young adults. The past years have made me care for them...like my own (I know they are not). </p>
<p>So, they are sharing that the GPAs are horrible and the rationalizations are even worse! this isn't a matter of ability.... </p>
<p>They aren't really asking for help...just venting now. Mad "at the man". No ownership, no plan...just a bunch of venting. Wow.</p>
<p>My daughters...life is good...couldn't have asked for a better year for them. But I'm watching their high school friends and it's really bothering me. And I get the feeling it's bothering my girls too.</p>
<p>Like these kids, I guess I'm just venting too.</p>
<p>When you are with friends part of venting is not owning up to slacking, procrastinating, poor study habits, skipping classes, not doing the reading, skipping homework, underestimating the work, blah,blah,blah.
They are all too aware they messed up but for a while while shooting the breeze, it is nice not to be at fault for their mistakes.
Friends listen to friends’ rants.</p>
<p>They will be fine. They need time to adjust to college life, to independence, to mature and to transition into responsible adults. A little venting among old friends is a good release.</p>
<p>It could just be venting among friends. Also, when hanging out with old friends, most frosh don’t find it cool to talk about which class they aced or what research opportunities they got etc., esp. if they’re all at different schools or esp. if they know a few people in the group are struggling at their schools. Instead, it’s more interesting to talk about parties, slacking off, how little they did to get by at school etc. Not sure what this group of kids is like, but there was a group at my HS that was at the top academically, ECs etc. but because of their many commitments, they weren’t the “cool kids” by the stereotypical HS definition, though they were all very intelligent, engaging, conversational etc. They went off to the top schools and many of us were shocked when they came home talking about how they aren’t studying at their ivy, overslept for a final etc. It was their way of showing that they had found a fantastic social life; in the end, everything was fine as they all found a balance and ended up doing quite well at their respective colleges.</p>
<p>Were these high school slackers? There’s no doubt many kids outgrow their high school friends freshmen year. Some go to more challenging schools, some get more engaged in school or go father from home and meet a diverse group or simply come into their own more than others. Sounds like your child matured more than her peer group.</p>
<p>Also, are these the kids that breezed through high school with minimal effort? If so, I was that kid and the first year of college challenged me a little bit because I had to learn how to study. My grades remained high because I have good incentives–ie if I don’t get a good student discount on my car insurance, no car…things like that–and because I’m naturally motivated to do well in school. But a lot of kids take time to see the reason to do well in college. Especially if they’re not in a major that requires grad school.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry too much. I rant to my friends a lot…about grades and social stuff…and we don’t take responsibility. As an unwritten rule, the friends don’t really question this stuff (unless it’s flat-out ridiculous), we just listen and “mmm” and “ah-hah”.</p>
<p>Thanks for everyone’s perspective. It really helps. The party was on the same day that most of the students received their grades. So, the topic was was on everyone’s mind. Batllo describes the event well. Except, in addition to the general venting, they all approached me (the mom) individually and talked for awhile. Perhaps they were seeing the possible reaction of their parents…I don’t know.</p>
<p>Again, I really care for this group. All but one was attending college with substantial academic scholarships. At least half of the group has now lost all or part of the scholarship and is on academic probation. But what really worries me was the anti-establishment sentiment and lack of ownership. </p>
<p>Your responses have given me a different perspective. They are venting for now. They have the summer to plan their next steps. I will just listen.</p>
<p>An Limabeans, no, this is not a boy versus girls thing. They were equal opportunity offenders.</p>
<p>Lost scholarship, academic probation. It sounds more than venting. It’s real and I agree they should own it. I don’t know how to make them. Gently push it back on them?</p>
<p>owning their own stuff is important especially since its had consequences…
so…
perhaps if they are venting to you</p>
<p>with sincere sympathy you can say something like</p>
<p>" I am sorry that your year didn’t go as you might have liked.
You are a really smart lady/guy and I am sure you will figure out what you need to do differently…
What do you think you will change so things work out better for you next semester…"</p>
<p>That way you aren’t suggesting fixes for them…and they feel heard.</p>
<p>There’s a very good conversation in the “Is this school too hard for him” thread dealing with lower than expected grades. It’s a good example of the process to go through to diagnose problems so that solutions can be found. That kind of thread brings out the strengths of the parents forum.</p>
<p>No! Although I understand that the OP cares about these kids, it is not his/her place to even attempt to help them, unless they ask for assistance. Other than offering hospitality, OP needs to stay out of it.</p>
<p>Update. A few of the friends have dropped by since the party and brought the subject up again. It’s obvious that each is dealing with their own reality in different ways. I do plan on staying out of it. I have explained that they need to deal with the situtation with their parents. When directly asked for my advice it only say two things.</p>
<p>“You can’t change the past, but you can impact your future.”</p>
<p>“Failing isn’t falling down…failing is not getting back up.”</p>
<p>Two statements that they have all heard in our home…many times.</p>
<p>Part of growning up is “figuring it out”. They will in due time. A LOT of kids don’t do well in college the first year. This is not abnormal. Some will get it figured out quickly and some will take time to grow up. sigh.
For some very bright kids - college is not fun. Contrary to popular belief - this does not only happen to “slackers”. A NMF friend of my daughter (2007 hs grad) lost her scholarship and flunked out in her first year. She moved home and got a part time job at Sam’s club told her mom she was taking classes at the CC but never went. Three years out of high school she works full time. At Sam’s club. Nice kid but lost and just hasn’t figured it out.</p>
<p>Can I just throw this in here? First, this was great discussion to read. I’ve often wondered what the conversation/mood at home was when the kids returned.</p>
<p>I’m on CC because I’ve got a current junior and a rising freshman. So, I really am a parent. But, I also work in a small midwestern LAC (the kind at which many CC folks would turn up their noses). In my job, however, I spend about 3/4 of my time working with freshman. I just wanted to reiterate how easy it can be for the former good student to stumble. </p>
<p>In high school, there are so many outside forces pushing a kid onward. Those go away in college. Mom isn’t here. The faculty advisor helps plan classes, but if a warning doesn’t come through the system, he or she doesn’t check on progress. The teachers care a great deal, but are not going to treat a student like he or she is still a minor. I give a syllabus. All the due dates are on it. Up to the student to keep on top of things. </p>
<p>Also, when I look at the stats of the incoming freshman class, I try to peg the students likely to need assistance in some way. I’m pretty good, but I can also be certain that I’m going to be surprised. Every year, there are students who do much better than expected and others who do much worse. </p>
<p>I’m not surprised that, initially at least, the kids aren’t taking ownership. Love that you’re trying to put the responsibility back on the student.</p>