Junior Son has no interest in college search

Parents Forum
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<p>^ I agree that he can ask for letters of recommendation in September.</p>

<p>Junior year was the most intense year for my son and daughter. I suggest you wait for the school year to end, then hold a family meeting to discuss the summer. You could explain that while the decision about where to attend will be his, as parents you expect him to do a few things over the summer:

  1. visit X number of schools (2-3?) These can be nearby, but should give a sense of what different institutions are like.
  2. develop a draft list of 8 schools he might consider attending.
  3. develop draft essays for the common application
  4. develop a draft response for the EC section of the common application (listing each activity, stating #hrs./week)</p>

<p>To make the conversation more like a meeting of equals, perhaps you could include in the discussion some time for him to talk about what he’d like to do over the summer as part of a real vacation…</p>

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<p>Just a reminder for all, some schools have cut-off dates in the fall for trying for the largest scholarships so make sure your child gets stuff in by the deadlines.</p>

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<p>You should count yourself fortunate because you have a son with excellent numbers and that and becoming a NMF senior year will open many doors for him. My daughter, who is normally a self-starter in everything she does, also didn’t seem interested in talking about college during her junior year so I asked her a few questions such as what part of the country she wanted to live in and if she thought she would prefer a small school or a bigger school and if football was important. </p>

<p>She gave me her criteria, which she was very definite about and I started doing the research. The first thing I did was discover CC and the long list of schools that offer generous merit aid to NMF’s. I used that list to create a list of schools that also met her specific criteria. </p>

<p>Spring Break of junior year we looked at a few schools and we looked at a few more that summer. Our college visits were not hectic and we combined them with other fun. By senior year she was ready to start applying and she was confident of her choice of schools. </p>

<p>I know that if I hadn’t done the initial research, she would have really limited her choices.</p>

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<p>Oh Goodness, I agree with mythmom!</p>

<p>My D was NOT interested in the College Search process uhh really ever. She knew she wanted to go but simply didn’t feel inspired to spend a lot of time researching. </p>

<p>We combined visits with fun things so that the college visit wasn’t the only purpose for the trip, she came along with her twin sister and me knowing that if she wanted to opt out she could. Eventually she made a list, I added a couple of schools to it that I thought she should consider, she was accepted to the majority of the schools to which she applied and chose one which met a set of criteria she hadn’t articulated until after May 1st of her Sr. year.</p>

<p>To tell you the truth I don’t think she could have articulated it until then. </p>

<p>Making a list seems final and frightening. It symbolizes the end of something known and a transition to something else, again, frightening.</p>

<p>If he only applies to a couple of schools that’s OK he’ll either go or he won’t and if he goes he will either like it and stay or decide to transfer.</p>

<p>I found that having a conversation like that with my D was helpful.</p>

<p>a) you don’t have to go to college next year but you have to do something
b) in the event that you do decide that you want to go to college it would be nice if you had a clue which one(s) you may like
c) Here are several I think look promising but it is what you want that matters so you choose 4 or so that look interesting and we’ll take it from there</p>

<p>BTW she just got home from her first year in college and loved it.</p>

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<p>BT, I would suggest that <em>you</em> run some numbers through EFC calculators to see if what you think you can manage is close to what colleges will say you can afford. (What you think you can afford vs. what the colleges say you can are often wildly different.) With numbers like your son’s, there are some very attractive schools that offer excellent $$ to NMFs. If you need to follow the money, a flagship (with early action or rolling admit) that is generous with merit to in-state students can be the perfect option. Has lots of majors for a student who is undecided, will have a critical mass of other top kids, lets him be a star if he seeks it, but also lets him have a more traditional college experience as well.</p>

<p>Is your S this laid back about his academics? Is he taking a tough courseload that makes him work hard? Is he taking a tough courseload and finds he <em>doesn’t</em> have to work hard? If he’s a fall athlete/going to submit research to competitions/a full diploma IB student, I would strongly recommend that he gets started on those essays (or finishes research/IB Extended Essay) this summer. </p>

<p>There’s also the ego component here. Applying to college (esp. with those kids of stats) means exposing oneself to college admissions folks and creates expectations for the future – by parents, teachers, neighbors, and most importantly, himself. Does he really want to be a small fish in a big pond? Does he like being the top gun in a less competitive environment? Is his ego ready to handle the tumult of college apps?</p>

<p>Both my kids were pretty wiped out by the end of junior year from APs/IBs/etc. They talked to teachers about recs, but really needed time off from school before they could start thinking about college. However, they had visited a number of schools by then and had a pretty good sense of where they wanted to apply.</p>

<p>My sons were unusually invested in the college process. Most of their male friends were FAR less motivated, and that is typical of 17 yo boys.</p>

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<p>Great point!

</p>

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<p>“Talented as he is, if he’s not all that interested in “top colleges,” then you’re going to have to let it go. Easier said than done, as I’m still learning.”</p>

<p>As of right now, that is exactly how my H and I are feeling. </p>

<p>BTW, are recommendation letters that important for college admission.
His teachers know that he is a very good student but they do not seem to know my child very well.</p>

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<p>So many good suggestions.
I really appreciate all of them.</p>

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<p>Look at it this way if you’re anything like me (and number one will graduate next year, number 2 will head off in the fall and number three is coming down the pike)… you’ll take a happy, successful, college graduate son from any college than an unhappy, unsuccessful, non-graduate from any college…after that realization the rest is easy! Keep asking questions, lots of different advice and suggestions are all over this forum.</p>

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<p>Just chiming in to say that my son was the same way. Excellent grades, excellent test scores, but absolutely no interest in the college search. I pushed and prodded – and we did some visits, he did his applications (early, to get them out of the way, LOL), got his acceptances and STILL wasn’t all that excited about it. He didn’t really articulate it at the time, but he wasn’t excited about it because he was thinking of college as just another 4 years of high school. It wasn’t until he was actually IN college that he realized it’s so much different than that. He just finished his sophomore year and is doing great!</p>

<p>Hang in there. This too, shall pass. I like CalAlum’s idea of shelving it until school lets out and then having a family meeting over the summer.</p>

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<p>OK, mom of two guys here. Sounds like you are sucking all of the fun out of the process. No wonder the kid is apathetic. </p>

<p>So, let’s make it fun. </p>

<p>1) Say “You have a choice. You need to visit one large, public school and one small private school so you understand those two flavors. We can take you or we can take you and a friend or we can send you and a friend. Pick one path for us during the next two weeks. I will expect your travel decision on June X and we will discuss it over dinner at Taco Hut (or wherever he likes). If your buddy is in on it, he gets to come to dinner too.”</p>

<p>2) Say “Parents tend to obsess on this stuff. So, I am going to spend the next two weeks coming up with the most far out majors and colleges that I can so I can toss them at you. You get to pick the biggest groaner award.” So, now you do a daily note on the front door (wherever he exits) that describes Muggle Studies class or Sea Urchin farming. Make sure you cover Deep Springs College and Webb Institute. By digging out the odd nooks, he will have a reaction. Every “God, NO” is narrowing the field and you might hit a “really? you can study that?”</p>

<p>3) Tell him that you will ease off until you are about to have kittens so he should expect some ebb and flow in the nagging. Start joking now whether you are in “high tide” or “low tide” worry mode. </p>

<p>He is going to be surrounded by this stuff at school. He may be doing more thinking and learning about colleges than you realize. “Home” may be his space away from the rat race and he may resist you making it to more of the rat race. </p>

<p>If it were me, I would tape up a list of the high powered schools and put a THREE word description beside each school (This is your research project, not his). Ask him to apply to one on the list just to make you happy. (Some parents have a burning desire for “Ivy League” and don’t realize that UPenn is big and urban, Dartmouth is much smaller and more outdoorsy and Harvard and Yale are not interchangeable units. Nor are Caltech and MIT). </p>

<p>You can make this smart young man seriously nuts as a shrill, demanding parent. You can also play the part of enthusiastic and goofy and loving Labrador Retriever, ready to go on an adventure with him. Tell him this. Make him laugh and see your slobbering over him as a joyous love. You are pent up with energy, ready for him to fling the ball into flight so you can go thundering into action and he’s . . . snoozing on the sofa. How dare he!</p>

<p>Please, much less shrill and hand wringing and far more laughs and invitations to liberty. If he wants to go with a friend to the opposite coast to visit a campus, pull out your wallet and make it happen — or at least find a similar college nearby and get the pair a bus ticket. Make it fun and make it NOT all about you being there every breath of the way. </p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>

Here’s one for the odd nooks list, which actually sounds pretty cool if you are into the outdoors: [Unity</a> College](<a href=“http://www.unity.edu/]Unity”>http://www.unity.edu/)</p>

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<p>I know I am not a parent, but I too, didn’t involve myself in the whole college thing until the beginning of my senior year. </p>

<p>And when I did pick my schools, I picked all the local schools and did very little research. I did very little tours either. I relied on BusinessWeek rankings to pick my school (I was interested in business). Ironically, despite living just two miles away from BC, I never even visited the school until I stepped foot on campus for the “admitted students” day that they had. </p>

<p>In retrospect, I should I have gotten serious about the process well before I was even a junior. Perhaps I would have gone to a different school, had a better college experience, made more friends, but oh well.</p>

<p>To the OP: Relate to your son the dangers of being ill-informed applying to college. He could potentially have a crappy/less-than-optimal experience.</p>

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<p>Someone with his stats has rarely tasted defeat or failure. Students with his stats routinely apply to schools that reject > 90% of applicants. Could that be a serving as a deterrent for him?</p>

<p>How disastrous would it be to let him know that you’re there to lend assistance but that it’ll be up to him to take charge, and then let him miss all the deadlines? A lot of kids take a gap year. Could a gap year as a consequence of a inattentiveness to the process make him more eager to plan his college search a year later?</p>

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<p>Olymom, why does it have to be one “large” public and one “small” private? Public colleges come in different sizes, too.</p>

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<p>^ To get the ball rolling, we went “one large public and one small private.” To make the difference even sharper, we chose a football-crazed public in the South, and a preppy rural private in the Northeast. Busses between classes and an 80,000 seat stadium (with separate entrance for parents of football players!) at one … lots of A&F and a three minute walk between classes at the other.</p>

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<p>

A and F ??</p>

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<p>I picked one large public and one small private because that is a manageable “first” step for a teen who is underwhelmed by the process. </p>

<p>There are a gazillion options out there (about 4000 institutions, actually). Some are very specific. At St. John’s there is a ton of reading but (as I understand it) no chem labs and no PE courses. Students at the Merchant Marine Academy spend summers at sea. Deep Springs sounds awesome to me because it combines high level academics with ranching. </p>

<p>But, gotta start some place. I really think adding a friend into the visits helps a lot. The parents feel a bit safer about letting the offspring off the family leash and the kid gets a whiff of college freedoms. </p>

<p>It is a bit like bird watching. You can start by trying to understand all the sparrows and warblers (very challenging with small bits distinguishing one species from another) or you can start with the big basics: eagle, sparrow, duck, and dove and build from there. </p>

<p>Alas, we parents tend to go the first route: it must be Ivy or it must be a LAC or it must be . . . engineering. So the poor kid gets marched through a dozen campuses that take an expert’s eye to discern the differences. </p>

<p>Far better to do some fun (FUN!!!) broad strokes and then stand back a bit.</p>

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<p>I understand. And I also have seen kids on here apply to colleges and then realize that college doesn’t have the major or classes the kid wants.</p>

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<p>How about: As your parents, we are requiring you to apply to our state’s flagship state university. The rest is up to you. </p>

<p>In any state except California (where, arguably, your son might get turned down by Berkeley), he is not likely to have any trouble getting admitted to the flagship state university as long as he follows all of the directions on the application (regarding essays, recommendation letters, etc.) and his high school’s rules (regarding when requests for transcripts must be submitted, etc.) So he would have a place to go to college no matter what.</p>

<p>And maybe this is all he wants. </p>

<p>Some students are intimidated by the whole college admissions process. For some of them (and my son was one of them – although his stats were not in your son’s league), the least uncomfortable choice is the state flagship. They’ve heard of it, they probably know people who go there, and there will be other people from their class going there. It’s the default choice for qualified students in many states. And flagship state universities usually have a wide variety of majors available.</p>