Anyone with a son/daughter that has struggled in a conservatory environment and what worked? My kid is way too stressed and mixed with low time management skills and probably immaturity, just isnt doing well. He doesnt want to quit, but I dont want him to be in a situation where he will be forced to. So what are some good options? And are there any school suggestions? If you want more details, please pm me.
I want to add that he is now seeing a counselor, practicing meditation(on his own, he says it helps) and getting his thyroid tested since mine is hypo and my doctor thinks he should just in case.
Which conservatory is it?
I don’t have any experienced advice to give, but wanted to say I’m sorry your S is going through this.
Do you think it is just the conservatory environment and he’d be able to handle the stress and organizational issues OK in a BA program? I do know a couple of conservatory kids who took gap years in the middle of their studies. Maybe that would be an option?
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That is a good question indeestudio. Im not sure what he wants to do or if switching schools would magically solve the problem. I do think that the environment can be toxic and affect learning. My question is it the environment or just undermanaged adhd.
I’ve been through a conservatory environment myself as a student and on staff. What year is your son in? How competitive are the students? Are they supportive or cut-throat? Does he have a good relationship with his studio teacher? Having a good support system is crucial to survive criticism and daily performance pressure at conservatories. The mental game is half the battle. You can PM me if you wish.
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So, how is he struggling and what do you consider “not doing well”? Is it bad grades? Is he unhappy? Both?
Just as a “for instance”, my son is currently a freshman at Berklee. He struggled his senior year of high school – he hated completing college applications, hated writing essays, and had trouble keeping up and catching up with school work with all the absences for school visits and auditions. He got mono in the fall and was just stressed the rest of the year. “Time management skills” are not high on his resume. His second semester grades went as far as to make us worry about colleges rescinding their acceptances – luckily, his earlier grades were good enough that his final GPA survived relatively intact.
All that said, though, he’s sort of a natural performer and loved the audition process. The playing was rarely a stress, even if everything else was. I think that’s when I really knew that music was the right place for him.
Now freshman year, my sense is that it’s not all that different. He’s not as stressed about his non-playing classes, possibly because he’s a little more mature, but he’s also not acing them either. He’s aiming to maintain a 3.0, but confident that he’ll get A’s in all of his ensembles, lessons, i.e. playing classes. So you can imagine what his target for his non-playing classes are… I wasn’t thrilled with his grades first semester but didn’t nag beyond reminding him what the requirements are to keep his scholarship. More importantly, he’s starting to make some headway with his playing; getting hired for gigs, asked to participate in independent projects, etc. That affirmation is so much more important to him than getting an A in an English class. I’m OK with that. If it were the other way around, i.e. doing well in his academic classes but stressing out over the playing, performing, etc., then I think I would be more concerned.
Adhd and executive function issues are magnififed with stress. He is nineteen years old with immature coping skills. It isnt about talent or if music is meant for him. He needs help. I dont know how to help him. The schools disability office and academic coaching is inadequate. This is heartbreaking for him and me.
PM’ed you again
I’m so sorry your son is struggling. And I know how stressful this can be for you too. Many schools are not really equipped for much more than emergency counseling. However, could there be some accommodations made so your son is not so overwhelmed?( I know the typical accommodations for ADHD such as note takers and extended time may not apply in a music program). But having accommodations explicitly in place will mean your son’s teachers will be informed and that can be helpful for some latitude. Also, can your son drop a class - just so he can make it through the rest of the semester? Most schools will allow late drops when a student’s health is involved. Can you visit and meet with your son and his advisor or the dean?
I take it that he’s attending a school away from home. Is he far away? Is an extended visit for you a possibility?
I’m so sorry! Perhaps he could take a medical leave, and between now and next fall get to executive function coaching and counseling outside the pressure cooker of the conservatory, where it has a better chance of sticking? Plus it would give you both a chance to breathe and take your time deciding what the next best step would be.
He is ten hours away. I could visit for an uocoming concert but Im not sure what I could do there except follow him to his practice room.
Can you get a hotel room or airbnb and stay for a few days after the concert? Not much can get done in terms of discussion or decisions before a concert and ramping up stress then is not a good idea. But afterwards maybe you could have a good conversation over a few days.
So, did he do better in high school? If he did, can you identify what made it work? What are the major differences between then and now? I realize you’re asking for ideas but do you have any gut feelings about what you’d like to see happen, or the kind of support you think would help him?
I suspect that he might have trouble in any kind of music school environment (I can’t speak as much to a BA, but with a BM). As your S is finding out, a lot rests on the student,more so then academic study does, things like finding time to practice, scheduling rehearsal with chamber groups, knowing how much to practice, what happens when there are conflicts and so forth, and it is very nebulous. One of the things that is important, which I agree with others, is trying to figure out where his specific problems are, and it could be a lot of things.
For example, he could be facing what is common, seeing other kids who are on a different level than him, and that can cause a wide range of emotions, kids can get overwhelmed, feel hopeless, feel like there is no way they can catch up, etc (and to be honest, this hits kids who have seen the top people before, who themselves could be considered ‘top tier’, it is part of this crazy world).
I can understand why the school may not be able to help, their ability to help with these things is limited. I don’t know your son, but if there is some sort of diagnosable issue there, something like ADHD or a learning disability, you may want to find out if there is someone locally who can help him with coping skills. If he is simply overwhelmed or is missing the skills to be able to organize his time, what he is doing, there are coaches and counselors who may be able to help with that, help him with those kinds of things, so he isn’t overwhelmed. Music in some ways makes the academic college look easy, someone who lacks study skills and time management can have problems with academics, but when you add the kind of nebulous world of music, where so much depends on the kid (as opposed to an academic class, when you know when there are tests, you know what chapter is being covered this week, you know when papers are due), where teachers expect them to learn things on their own, where what they do week to week can be very different, etc, it is much harder.
If he is really overwhelmed and feeling buried, you potentially could see if he could take a leave of absence and when he is home find people to help him with these things, then go back in the fall if he feels more confident.
I wish you guys well:)
If not done already, you should encourage a visit to a doctor for a physical and mental health check asap. If that check-up comes back fine, it will potentially eliminate a few concerns. Most kids can do walk-ins at their schools. Go on the school website or call. If not, call your insurer and ask for the nearest walk-in clinic based on zip code. If he says he doesn’t have physical aliment, remind him “stress” is an aliment and should be checked.
And an important note for any parents sending kids to school, you should check the health services at your kid’s school. You can’t diagnose your kid from another state. If they are having issues (fever, flu, bad cold or stress), they should see a doctor. I did walk my D past the health services building while dropping her off so she knew where it was.
And if possible, have a mental health discussion with your child before they go to college…meaning include mental health in the discussion of what to do if they get sick (cold, flu, stress, hopelessness - all can be treated by a professional). Your child may not have an issue now or in college, but I can pretty much guarantee they will know someone who does (and if it’s a roommate…they may need to suggest or support a mental health visit). It’s pretty prevalent.
I don’t mean to imply this is a mental health issue…but I do think a doctor’s opinion would be worth seeking if not done already. Then you can make a decision about how to move forward.