last SAT essay i promise... pls grade it

Test Preparation
1

<p>"No progress is possible without sacrifice."</p>

<p>Write an essay that discusses this statement. You may use illustrations from history, literature, current events, or your own experience or personal observation. Write your essay on paper then, after your 25 minutes are up, stop, and type it in. </p>

<p>Without sacrifices mankinds progress would come to a standstill. Only through sacrifices are we able to progress as a society. This can be seen in several aspects of life and History. From </p>

<p>Olympic Swimmers spending hours in the pool to the lives lost in the Civil war, or even in entreprenuers such as Dean Kamen, progress has always been preceded by great sacrifices.
Swimming was made an official olympic sport in the late 20th century. Ever since then swimmers have been increasing speed, records are broken every year. This is not due to steroid use, and athletes now are the same as those from the early days of swimming. After intense study university researchers found out that the drop in swimming times is directly related to the longer workouts now made standard in college teams. The time increases are directly due to the Athletes sacrificing more time to swimming. By being in the water longer the swimmers improve their feel for the water. Nowadays it is impossible to be a competitive swimmer without sacrificing time. </p>

<p>While swimmers sacrifice time to improve, there have been greater sacrifices in history. In the civil war millions of people died fighting to end slavery and to preserve the union. In americas bloodiest war men gave up their lives and only thus was it possible to end slavery. Before the war we tried compromises and agreements but they led to nothing, only after the great sacrifice of war were we able to end slavery and provide equality to all races. </p>

<p>Even individuals must make sacrifices to achieve succes. A great example of this is dean Kamen. Kamen is a prolific inventor and multi-billionaire, but he was not always this way. In order to fund his first invention, the portable dialysis machine, kamen had to make many sacrifices. Kamen dropped out of college, quit his job, at times he did not even have food to feed himself. After this time of hardship however, kamen became a multi-millionaire instantly. The Dialysis machine has saved millions of lives and allowed patients to live normal lives. Only through kamens personal sacrifices was this possible.</p>

<p>In every aspect of society we can see that all progress is preceded by sacrifices. We see it in olympic atheletes that give up most of their day to excel at their sport. We see it in individuals, who to further themselves take risks and give up their lifestyles. We even see it in history, with the civil war. We gave up many lives, but great sacrifice is the only road towards progress. </p>

<p>is this a 12 essay?</p>

2

<p>I would say more like 11 since you are taking a lot of risk with it. I dont see why ppl are working their butts off for the essay when just using a formula will get u a 10+ easily with really bs content.</p>

3

<p>Not a 12 - within the first paragraph I found a bunch of grammatical errors - its entrepreneurs, not entreprenuers. </p>

<p>"Ever since then swimmers have been increasing speed, records are broken every year."
should be
"Ever since then, swimmers have been increasing speed and records are broken every year."</p>

<p>"Kamen dropped out of college, quit his job, at times he did not even have food to feed himself."
should be
"Kamen dropped out of college, quit his job, and at times he did not even have food to feed himself."</p>

<p>However, your examples due answer the prompt well. I'd give this an 11 (good examples, organized, concise & to the point, but few grammatical mistakes).</p>

<p>Try to leave yourself a few minutes after you write it to reread it and edit any mistakes. GL</p>

4

<p>sweet... :) okay thats all... the thing is i got an 8 on the essay so now i'm paranoid (i had no clue what to do on the essay cuz i took the New SAT w/o any prep)</p>

<p>but i guess they are looking for a very structured essay thats all.. don't care about it being entertaining etc..</p>

5

<p>Exactly, structured and getting the point across clearly. Thats all with a good conclusion that restates your thesis.</p>

6

<p>It's an 8 essay because although you adequately responded to the prompt, you didn't have a chance to really show your skill in developing an argument. Way too ambitious to yoke together swimming, the civil war, and Dean Kamen in a single essay. The civil war example, in particular, is out of place and barely developed. Less can be more. Fewer examples with more development and insight is the key to getting 10-12.</p>

7

<p>what if i used less broad examples : i.e fully explained the civil war and the revolutionary wars. ?</p>

8

<p>If you fully explained the civil and revolutionary wars, you'd deserve a PhD, not a 12 on the essay. Seriously, it's hard to judge an essay by the examples. If you know a lot about the civil war, you could craft an excellent essay on the various sacrifices made. If you were to use the two wars, you really want more of a reason than that they were both wars. For example, you might discuss the Civil War as a nearly inveitable outcome of the compromises -- the failure to make sacrifices -- at the time of our nation's founding (the Three-Fifths Compromise, for example, and the failure to adequately deal with the differences on slavery between North and South). But there are hundreds of ways to write a good essay. It's important to give yourself a thesis that will provoke interesting and insightful writing on your part without biting off more than 25 minutes allows.</p>