<p>As an update-our oldest finished his internship and is taking summer classes. He has gotten very depressed over the last few weeks about career choices/marriage/and after college life. He is a constant worrier(has mild anxiety) and is kind of concerned about finding someone else to date later. He is 21 and has only had 1 real relationship lasting 7 months(just ended a month ago)-he has had a couple minor gfs prior to her. He is a bit concerned about the fact that he hasn't been in a LTR(baby steps be damned) and is concerned about moving back home postgrad. Says he doesn't want to regress and lose all the forward progress he has made. How would you go about helping him plan to move on-and to all you late bloomer parents-be careful what you guys wish for-#1 is usually not the keeper.</p>
<p>He is only 21. That may feel ancient to him, but we know it isn’t. One 7 month relationship at 21 isn’t so bad. </p>
<p>Can you put him out there were the girls are? Without him getting mad at your meddling? Church groups? Volunteer groups that attract lots of girls? Sports training groups that are girl heavy, like run training groups or spin classes or Body Pump? Book clubs? Evening adult ed type classes for fun things, like cooking? Jobs where there are girls , even part time jobs like at a coffee shop?</p>
<p>Why does he have to move home? </p>
<p>Good luck. I can remember the anxiety about finding someone when I was younger.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t put it that way. He is very outgoing and has been seeking stuff out for the last 1.5 years of school to be busy. Its not that he is shy or anything-well he is but since he has been in college he hasn’t had a problem finding dates-that’s not the part that worries me. As far as moving home-he wants to move to AZ and is struggling trying to job search-he will do 1 int next summer and a internship-job after he graduates. He just I guess is realizing how big the world is. He doesn’t date girls from church-tried to push that in HS- says its wrong to go to places to look for girlfriends-just wants to make friends. </p>
<p>Very slow mover. He is very cognizant and doest want to seem “too eager”-big problem of his in HS. Lot of jobs/contacts in our home state-and doesn’t want to come back. AZ is on the other side of the country and we want him a little closer- any nice young prof cities? Besides NYC/WASH obviously.</p>
<p>I can sympathize somewhat - my almost 22 yo son has never had a date of any kind. But most of his friends are not in relationships and it does not seem to bother him. I would reinforce that MOST young people these days are not in long term relationships at his age. I met my H at work after college. </p>
<p>My S has been home this summer and accepted a job to start in a few weeks, but suddenly this week is getting all kinds of interest from other companies and is depressed and unsure what to do. I am a worrier, it is my personality, my oldest 2 kids are not. Unfortunately if your S is a worrier, there may not be much you can do about that. I am over 50 and still very hampered by worries.</p>
<p>Mamabear, why wouldnt your son be questioning himself and decisions where he should go? There are so many variables salary, cost of living,chance of meeting young women, satisfaction. I think your son needs to vent to adult ears, explore and research.</p>
<p>Half the students in my husbands lab seem to have met their significant others through dating sites on the Internet. If he needs to live at home because he doesn’t have a job, or at least not one that pays enough is there a way to give him more space at home. For example, my parents had a walk out basement - you could be as private as you wanted to be down there. Do you think he’s worrying enough to suggest counseling?</p>
<p>Not really his cup of tea-not opposed to it but prefers to meet people in person first. Understands a ton of people do it after college- doesn’t want to solely rely on that though-says its used best when one is involved in other activities-which I agree with.</p>
<p>And no-the issue isn’t so much about being at home-so to speak. He already stays in the basement when he is home. The issue is that most of his hs friends he isn’t in contact with anymore-minus 4 good ones. and the rest have moved away-doesn’t see the 4 but 3-4 times a year. Doesn’t like the majority of people that are still in the area from his HS. I think its more of an issue of him starting new again. Would actually prefer to live at home over Raliegh-college town where he is now-we are in GA-doesn’t want to stay in college town and be van Wilder. LOL</p>
<p>That kind of anxiety is natural, some people seem to fall into relationships and jobs, others struggle a bit. One thing I would tell him is that these days a lot of people are late bloomers, and to be seeing not having a LTR at 21 is way outside the reality, other than in some traditional groups (Ultra Orthodox jews come to mind or maybe the Amish), people these days are not settling into LTR’s, especially among college educated white collar workers, until their 30’s in many cases…show him the statistics, I don’t know why he thinks that everyone is in an LTR at his age (and more importantly, point out to him that people that get into what they think are LTR’s at his age, have one of the highest rates of divorce). More importantly, tell him it will come with time, that life is a marathon, not a sprint, and that if he doesn’t have his dream job by the time he is 25, it means he is perfectly normal:)</p>
<p>Well, if you want to meet young people then the advice is to stay in a college town. Once you move out of such an area the pickings tend to be very slim.
I know several people whose kids (including mine) have tried on-line dating and had great success. One is married through an on-line romance. All of them have had at the very least some decent dates and made contacts and friends which beats sitting at home.</p>
<p>This book was recommended by several posters in a recent Cafe thread:</p>
<p>The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter–And How to Make the Most of Them Now by Meg Jay</p>
<p>I bought a copy for my daughter and buzzed through it before passing it on to her (very quick read). I thought Jay laid out an excellent model for understanding the twenties as a critical development period for young adults. Though your son’s anxiety might be somewhat higher than average, he is certainly not alone in feeling unsettled about being unsettled!</p>
<p>I encourage you to read it yourself, as I think it might help you better frame your conversations with your son. Lots of great data, interesting anecdotes, useful talking points, and practical ideas. After reading it yourself, you can decide whether the book would be helpful and encouraging to your son.</p>
<p>Best wishes!</p>
<p>
Yeah, my S is 21 and has not had any relationships to speak of. I guess that qualifies as bad. /sarcasm</p>
<p>I’m 21 and I’ve never had a relationship. Guess I’m doomed.</p>
<p>Not a joke, but tell him to be awesome by age 30. </p>
<p>My D didn’t meet her husband till she was 25. Which was 7 years ago. She met him online. They moved pretty slowly.</p>
<p>Although easier said than done, the 21 year old needs to learn to live more in the moment. One should not project themselves so far onto the future that “today” is not lived. And it’s okay to have a bumpy start out of college in the work force and in the personal life. Life holds obstacles and the lesson may be to learn to keep moving forward despite of them. I told my soon to be college senior “I’m not worried if you’ll be successful. I know you will be. What I want to know is have I taught you to persevere in the midst of difficulty? Have I taught you to get back up and keep moving forward when you’ve been knocked down?” </p>
<p>Dealing with life’s real issues builds character. Best wishes to your son. I didn’t marry until age 31, back in the 80s which was still considered ancient for a woman. I’ve been married over 25 years now. Met husband and married in less than6 months. Things do work out. Love and support and encourage your son and tell him things do work out. Take it one day at a time.</p>
<p>There is a little book that I read at age 19 that I think really changed my outlook. I highly recommend that he read it. It’s called “The Art of Loving” by Erich Fromm. </p>
<p>What I took from it was that 1) you really can’t be in a healthy relationship unless you are comfortable being alone, and 2) love isn’t something you fall into, it’s something you do, and it can be taught and learned. </p>
<p>He should be worried if he is 21. There is still plenty of time to play. EDIT to add, why is the deep need to find the one at age 21 is beyond me.</p>
<p>
Back in the 80s there was an article on WSJ that if you are a woman who is 28 and single, your chance of getting married was less than an Ivy admit rate(less than 10%), guess what lots of us got married after that article. It goes to show the article was written by a bunch of males for sure.</p>
<p>
I realized there was a typo, </p>
<p>I thought the old story was that a woman was more likely to be killed by a terrorist than marry after a certain age…</p>
<p>Yes, I remember the reports at the time about the statistics of an ‘older’ woman getting married. I have to say, I wasn’t ever worried about getting married. I just didn’t want to be tied down at a young age and always figured I’d get married a little later and figured when I found the right mate I’d know pretty quickly, and that’s what happened. I had sisters and girl friends who married in their 30s. A lot of people my age who married in their 20s divorced. Changed careers. Went back to school. Had babies after the age of 40. Found new careers after 50. </p>
<p>If only the younger generation could see there is no need to hurry.</p>