Nontraditional student, looking for love...

Parents Forum
1

<p>So, this might be an odd topic to post, but I thought I'd ask everyone here, as people who have successfully reproduced, for suggestions on dating in college for an older student.</p>

<p>Most of the advice given to 20-year-olds isn't applicable to me, because I don't want to spend the next decade dating and exploring myself. I want to spend it married to someone I really like, maybe someone I find in the next couple of years.</p>

<p>I guess this sounds a bit desperate, although my situation is not that dire. I would just feel bad at wasting this opportunity, while in school to meet someone, while I'm surrounded by 20-year-olds with a very different agenda than mine.</p>

<p>I do hang around grad students and have friends my age in the working world, but people are very confused when I tell them I'm an undergrad. I'm not sure if they really think I'm 20 (I look a bit young for my age) or if they think I'm a slacker for still being in school, or what. But the response is generally puzzlement and avoidance.</p>

<p>So, I'm wondering if you could share your meeting stories/advice/etc. for me, looking for love (the permanent kind) and education at the same time.</p>

2

<p>Rather than pick up someone in a bar or at a mixer try a dating service or a singles organization affiliated with a church or synogoge. And there is MENSA and the Sierra Club. I used to dress up in costume with reinactors!
Nowadays many folks go back to college because of a desire to change careers. If someone is bewildered that's their problem. Join more organizations within the college that may put you in contact with those of the opposite sex- like political organizations, athletic clubs. And when you see someone interesting take the initiative.</p>

3

<p>Based on one of your other messages, you're really too old for most grad students too, especially if you are female. You might want to test out some community service opportunities that would put you in touch with people your own age. For example, if you tutored elementary or high school students, you might meet some teachers and get plugged into their social circles. If you coach little kids in a sport--a popular community service option at some colleges--you'd meet parents of little kids. If you volunteer at a hospital, you might meet some nurses and doctors.
At an animal shelter, vets and other adult animal lovers. A lot of nice people help with things like Habitat for Humanity.
Political campaigns--not quite the season for them now--are also a good way to meet people.</p>

4

<p>Wow, this makes me feel so old!</p>

<p>I'm not looking to meet parents of young kids, exactly---more people that are intellectual like me, ambitious like me, and looking to start a family in the next few years. </p>

<p>I'm very social and know lots of people, but I'm wondering if you guys have any advice for someone who lives half in the college world, and half in the "real" world. I don't go to bars. I've tried MENSA, but the people there are usually a bit out of my age range, on the other side.</p>

<p>I do thank you for your suggestions. I'd love to hear some "how we met" stories, especially if you met in your 30s.</p>

5

<p>Take night classes, or classes at community colleges. I met numerous people my age in night classes, in fact the majority were older rather than "college age." I am taking it you are around 31-32 years old or so, best find that mate before you are 40, or you will be like that old lady throwing cats on the Simpsons.</p>

6

<p>I met my wife at an Evening of Music sponsored by our local folk music club. We happened to be in our 20's at the time, but there are several married couples that met through this same organization in their 30's, 40's, 50's and beyond.</p>

<p>It may be paradoxical, but it seems to me that you decrease your chances of finding someone by actively looking. Go out and do the things that you enjoy. Have fun doing them and you will meet interesting people.</p>

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<p>


</p>

<p>Oddly enough this is very true.</p>

8

<p>From your reaction, returningstudent, I'm not sure I'm explaining my idea well. I didn't think you were specifically interested in dating people with young children. I just think that if you want to increase your dating options, you need to get into settings in which you will meet people your own age. When you do, you may be included in their social circle. </p>

<p>One good way to meet people is through mutual friends. If you make some friends your own age, you're more likely to be introduced to people of a suitable age for dating. Some parents of young children will be your age. You may not end up dating one of the parents, but parents have single friends and relatives.</p>

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<p>Yeah, I am, to some degree, afraid of being that cat lady on the Simpsons. Part of me realizes that I will be fine, but another part will just not be fine with it. It's hard for me to decide which opportunities to take (study abroad, internships in other cities, difficult graduate school programs), that might keep me from achieving this other important goal.</p>

10

<p>I met my husband at age 28 through a blind date. </p>

<p>I wanted to meet someone great and get married. I wanted to have kids and not be cornered by advancing age. I was working as a writer (meaning: home alone all day) so did not run across tons of new people.</p>

<p>Here was my strategy: Volume Dating. I told all my friends, even not-so-close friends, that I wanted to be set up on blind dates with marriageable guys and would date anyone they proposed. (Friends adore projects like this.) Then I accepted every blind date and furthermore I was even willing to go out a second time with anyone who asked, just in case the first impression was off and could be improved. </p>

<p>Most of the guys were quite nice; one with whom there was not a match even suggested a friend for me! A couple were awful,but hey-- a few awful hours is no big price to pay and you get to tease your friend about his/her bad taste for months afterwards. </p>

<p>One guy was wonderful and we were married about a year and a half after we met. </p>

<p>In fact, I nearly did not accept the fix up because he is over ten years older than I am, and I had never dated anyone more than about 5-6 years older. My friend reminded me I had agreed to date ALL offered guys. So I went. Et voila. </p>

<p>BTW he had a small child (divorced.) That turned out to be a bonus. (1) it showed me what a good parent he was (one of his very best qualities!) and (2) I got a sweet stepchild in the deal, whose college hunt brought me to CC.</p>

<p>I do agree with the 'go have fun' advice above-- but I also know that when you are really ready to settle down it is also helpful to spread that word. Keep an open mind because some of the greatest people are not immediately your "type" or do not come across well upon the initial meeting but then do grow on you. </p>

<p>I deemed my H "not over his divorce" on first date but he was actually much mellower the second date. Now I know him I know he's a bit nervous when initially meeting people.</p>

<p>One more idea: you can sign up for cool vacation trips, like a bike tour through Italy, as a single person. Other singles also go and this way you can meet interesting people. Many universities have these trips for alumni.</p>

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<p>SBMom, </p>

<p>Thanks for the story. It's great to hear your take on this. I tend to be a bit quick to judge and do need to give people a chance to grow on me. A good reminder!</p>

<p>To all,</p>

<p>I guess this is really another question, but:</p>

<p>I wonder if it's good to take advantage of all professional/academic opportunities, if they may keep me from living in a stable place/having time to go on lots of dates/etc.</p>

12

<p>Try hard not to be a seismologist --> an expert at finding faults.</p>

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<p>Well, as one who can't find a date for herself and has the worst luck in love, I think I'm well-qualified to discuss these things!</p>

<p>*My parent & stepparent re-met when planning their high school reunion. A few decades of growing up helped.</p>

<p>*Online dating can actually work. I have a friend (about your age) who is going out with someone she met online.</p>

<p>*Don"t say that you"re in undergrad - try "finishing my degree" or "going back for my bachelor's." </p>

<p>*Whatever you do, don't move to a small area. </p>

<p>*Don't sacrifice your professional goals - this is just me, the self-reliant feminist type coming through. You'll meet men with similar goals if you are doing the same activities they are.</p>

<p>*(This is my problem, so I'll throw it out there): don't be too forgiving. I'm very, very slow to judge, and have spent a lot of time in bad relationships because of that. It certainly has caused me a lot of grief and let me be less open to romance (okay, how about totally anti-romance, tired of getting kicked around?) - so trust your intuition. You're wasting time with someone who isn't good - time that could be spent finding a nice man, or even time spent on the couch - at least you aren't an emotional wreck after snuggling under a blanket with hot cocoa. <--- (advice I never take myself)</p>

<p>*Figure out what you want in a man and in a relationship... <--- (coming from the woman who can't answer that question herself)</p>

<p>I could give you a long list of "don'ts" but will so avoid. </p>

<p>Finally, the AriesAthena method of getting a date: swear off men and want nothing but time for yourself - time to grow as an individual. I swear, every time I think that I just want nothing but a few months to hang out with my friends, do my school work or the career thing, I get a boyfriend. (Now, most of them aren't good - they do seem to like tearing down independent women - but find the ones that let you have "you time" and don't push things.) It's not a bitter "I'm swearing off men," or a too-heartbroken/burnt out/jaded swearing off men, but of doing it for yourself.</p>

<p>*get a dog that needs to be walked.</p>

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<p>Aries, you are awesome, as usual. Thanks for the funny, honest, and forthright answer. :)</p>

<p>(Btw, if you're ever in the Stanford area, I'd love to meet you. It would be nice to meet a fellow geeky gal, and one in law school at that.)</p>

<p>As for your comments:</p>

<p><em>Online dating can actually work. I have a friend (about your age) who is going out with someone she met online.</em></p>

<p>I've tried it, had some success, met some guys who are now good friends, but as yet, nothing permanent. <--knows how to put way too many clauses in a sentence.</p>

<p><em>Don"t say that you"re in undergrad - try "finishing my degree" or "going back for my bachelor's."</em></p>

<p>That's an excellent idea. I'll start practicing that right away. Thanks.</p>

<p><em>Whatever you do, don't move to a small area.</em></p>

<p>Yeah, I intend to stay in the SF Bay Area for at least the next three years. Check.</p>

<p><em>Don't sacrifice your professional goals - this is just me, the self-reliant feminist type coming through. You'll meet men with similar goals if you are doing the same activities they are.</em></p>

<p>Yeah, I think this way too, but I also don't want to miss an opportunity to date someone amazing. My current philosophy is that I won't miss a professional/academic opportunity for the <em>possibility</em> of a stable relationship, only for the reality of one. But, we'll see.</p>

<p><em>(This is my problem, so I'll throw it out there): don't be too forgiving. I'm very, very slow to judge, and have spent a lot of time in bad relationships because of that. It certainly has caused me a lot of grief and let me be less open to romance (okay, how about totally anti-romance, tired of getting kicked around?) - so trust your intuition.</em></p>

<p>Yeah, I've made that mistake too, but no longer. Now, I screen carefully. Perhaps too carefully. ;)</p>

<p>*Figure out what you want in a man and in a relationship... <--- (coming from the woman who can't answer that question herself) *</p>

<p>This one, I've got. I followed the advice of friends and made a list of qualities I'm looking for and relationship goals. Also, a list of ways to improve myself so I can be a better partner. <--not <em>entirely</em> egotistical </p>

<p>*Finally, the AriesAthena method of getting a date: swear off men and want nothing but time for yourself - time to grow as an individual. I swear, every time I think that I just want nothing but a few months to hang out with my friends, do my school work or the career thing, I get a boyfriend. *</p>

<p>You know, I haven't tried this one yet. I'm always, in one form or another, looking. (Because I really am interested in finding someone I think is amazing.) But maybe letting go of this would help. I guess it couldn't hurt to try.</p>

<p>Thanks again. And if you want to make a list of don'ts, don't restrain yourself. :)</p>

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<p>Returningstudent,</p>

<p>you've been pretty gender-neutral in most of your postings, but I am getting the idea that you are a female in search of a male. If I have misread the situation, well, we both know that free advice is usually worth what you pay for it. At the risk of being drummed out of the Guy's Union, let me to point out the following:</p>

<p>Despite our reputed lack of communications skills, men are pretty good at recognizing and avoiding A Woman On A Mission With A List. We get lots of experience at a young age dealing with mothers and teachers. Knowing what you want in a mate is essential but, if you are always looking for a relationship and are constantly sizing us up against your list, we tend to notice that and bolt.</p>

<p>Not being able to have something makes us want it more, at least initially. That's why Ariesathena finds it easier to get a boyfriend after she swears off men. </p>

<p>If you try too hard, guys start wondering why it is that you have to try so hard and figure there must be something wrong.</p>

<p>Forget that cat lady on the Simpsons. (I know that is kind of like asking you to walk around the block three times without thinking of ostriches.) We are particularly good at recognizing A Desparate Woman On A Mission With A List. The ethical among us run away AND hide, while the less ethical may try to take advantage of the situation.</p>

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<p>I met my husband while working as a waitress in a (funky) restaurant -- I was a graduate student at the time.</p>

<p>He and a buddy came in for dinner, and his buddy encouraged him to ask me out.</p>

<p>Restaurants are very social places. It's possible to meet interesting people, diners as well as co-workers.</p>

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<p>BassDad: thanks for explaining that one. :) I'll work on the Femi-Nazi thing when I want "me time." </p>

<p>About the "what you want in a partner:" there's a difference between knowing what you want (intellectual, loves kids) and having those freaky lists of required characteristics (over 6 feet tall, drives nice car). I don't have either list, just the list of "nos."</p>

<p>So... the Aries lists of Men To Not Date:
*Men whose mothers are elementary school teachers. Trust me on this one. I tried. Later, I tried to be open-minded (guys can't help what their mother's jobs are...) - and that didn't work. Generally, they are completely freaked out by ambitious women. Also, they still act like they are in third grade; if you don't want to spend the rest of your life telling him to have quiet time when he's not playing nice with Susie, then date someone else. Or go for the hot cocoa/couch/movie method above. </p>

<p>*That leads me into... men who don't have a good relationship with their mothers, and men who lack strong women in their lives. I'm done training men. No more teaching them that women, too, want to work hard and provide for themselves. </p>

<p>*As a vegetarian, I've developed one of my best dating rules: date only men who give me at least one good veggie meal at the beginning of a relationship. (I used to think that my eating habits were my weird problems and that I should always accomodate - but realized that real men aren't going to ask that all the time. The few decent relationships I've had started with Indian, baked ziti, and a veggie restaurant.) </p>

<p>*Don't date poets, actors, or the like. They spend too much time in their heads, examining their psyches. A little (or a lot) of that is good. Doing it as a profession isn't.</p>

<p>*Any man who is scared of feminists. Please, people, they aren't aliens out to perform weird experiments on you... they just care about our world. </p>

<p>*Add to that any man who is scared of your father, your friends, or your older brother (i.e. anyone who watches out for you). </p>

<p>I'm in a small town on the East Coast - but if you know anyone in your area who wants to give me a job, I'll happily mosey on out to Cali. :) Otherwise, email is always open (unless you're an AOLer, and then it's blocked). </p>

<p>For the small town thing - one of my friends dated an undergrad athletic coach; some of the undergrad professors are young - but if you're in undergrad, that might be creepy. Okay, it would be completely creepy. So try grad profs who just moved to the Bay Area and don't know anyone. ;) </p>

<p>Colleges should have all sorts of administrative steering committees, alumni gatherings, etc - can you work in the groups that plan reunions? interface with trustees and administration? </p>

<p>Generally, being sociable helps - that's why I suggested getting a dog. Hard to not talk to someone when your dogs are sniffing each other. Otherwise - a take on SBMom's suggestion is to never, ever turn down a social event (well, at least ones that don't interfere with school work). </p>

<p>Can you find any of those restaurants that have big tables where about 20 people sit down together? Drag a girlfriend along for the trip and just start talking to people about the service or the calamari.</p>

<p>Do guy activities: surfing; moonlight in the software dep't at Best Buy; go to baseball games, etc. </p>

<p>Will ask guy friends for suggestions</p>

18

<p>
[quote]
I intend to stay in the SF Bay Area for at least the next three years.

[/quote]

I don't know first hand, but every movie seems to show how hard it is to get a date in SF. Try towns of around 100,000 residents or so (Peoria, IL; Canton, OH; Fresno, CA etc)</p>

<p>
[quote]
Do guy activities: surfing; moonlight in the software dep't at Best Buy; go to baseball games, etc.

[/quote]

That couldn't be more true! Even if you are somewhat faking it, nothing is a bigger turn on than a chick who knows sports. (Just be careful that you are not rooting against the guy's favorite team. I could never date a Pittspuke or Michigan fan for example)</p>

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<p>Met my H one week after "swearing off men". When told by mutual acquaintances that I "wouldn't go out with anyone", he found me irrisistable and the pursuit began!</p>

<p>I recommend picking up 2 books I just purchased for my 17 yo D: He's Just Not That Into You and Why Men Love B#tches. At the very least you'll enjoy some laughs. (can't bring myself to wrap them yet).</p>

<p>The suggestions you've received are excellent: sports events, guy activities/places, travel, dog-walking, and how about joining a health club or taking cooking classes?</p>

20

<p>Like Aries, I am offering advice from someone in your age range who has also never been married so please take it with a grain of salt. I spent eight years in college (no...not like Tommy Boy--grad school was involved) and didn't really focus on my personal life except to lament the fact that I wasn't dating anyone in the fifteen minutes of free time I rarely found. When I finally finished school I looked around and realized that all of my friends had been busy dating, getting married, and some even contemplating children. I really let it get me down.</p>

<p>I was exactly like you. I am in a female dominated profession so rather than age being the inhibiting factor, lack of access to any males at all was my factor. I joined church groups, went to alumni activities, explored personal interests, etc. but was having no luck whatsoever. I had cat lady images dancing in my head as well.</p>

<p>The good end to this story is that I do have a serious boyfriend now that I started dating at 28. The catch is that he is not at all the type of person I ever thought I'd end up with in a million years. ALL of my friends were skeptical when we started dating because he's basically "the guy" that I avoided in college and afterwards. (as in the type of guy not literally the guy) So my advice is to throw the list out of the window. That's what I finally had to do. I had to stop looking for his faults and all the reasons why he is wrong for me and accept the fact that our relationship works and we bring out the best in each other. Don't compromise yourself, but go on as many dates as you possibly can from as many avenues as you can because you might be surprised who you end up with. You want quality not quantity, but sometimes quantity makes it easier to find quality.</p>