<p>As parents, we spend a lot of time and energy to ensure that our kids have the opportunity to succeed and to overcome obstacles which might get in the way of future success. Sometimes though, clearing away those obstacles can interfere with an important teaching tool--failure. My son's experience is instructive.</p>
<p>Fifteen and a half months ago, my son was rejected by his "dream school", the one from which his mother and I graduated, and the one he grew up rooting for and envisioning himself attending. He had known it was a possibility, because he spent the first two years of high school doing as little as possible, but he thought that his near perfect test scores, alumni connections, and upward grade trend might bring him home. It didn't. Although he acknowledged that it was his fault, and refused to blame the school (a sign of maturity which made us very happy), he was miserable for the whole summer, even as he prepared to go to his second choice, a Top 50 school with a great reputation and in a great place to go to school. When we were leaving after move-in, he again expressed the feeling that he had no interest in going anywhere but the school he had wanted to attend. We left wondering when the first "this isn't for me" call would come.</p>
<p>It never happened. He decided on his own to switch away from the nebulous pre-law curriculum he would have followed at his first choice and into computer science, a difficult major (and one where his school is ranked very highly nationally) and one designed to force him to work harder from the outset. He developed a good group of friends, most from other parts of the country, and embraced the city and all it had to offer. His grades were really good--so good that we thought he might consider trying to transfer to his first choice, but that never came up, especially after he visited his friends at first choice on his spring break and discovered that they had stayed together as a social group and not expanded their horizons as far as he had. He still roots for the sports teams at first choice (and his own school's teams as well), but he's staying put. This weekend, he allowed as how the rejection worked out for the best for him.</p>
<p>I post this not to laud my son, but rather to suggest that everyone faces adversity and failure at some point in their lives, and from it can come knowledge, maturity and success. For those who will be venturing on the college admissions road this year (as we will again with our younger daughter), good luck, and don't feel (or let your kids feel) that the decision made by some admissions officers at one or more schools will determine future success and happiness. It won't if he/she is rejected and, for that matter, it won't if he/she is accepted either.</p>
<p>This is great! I have heard numerous stories about students thriving in what was not their first choice school. Gives hope to anyone focused on one choice. They thrive when they can make the most of their opportunities. Seems like your son did just that.</p>
<p>That is great how your son took the mature path in reaction to not getting into his first choice. I hope all students and their parents facing the admissions process this fall do not look at a rejection letter from a top choice as failure because it is certainly not that.</p>
<p>Who was it that said failure is the first step to success? I’ve sure found that to be true. D1 had the similar experience of not getting into her first choice school but LOVED the school she ended up going to. Life is funny like that…</p>
<p>I’d hope that well before they apply to college that they realize there is rarely “one true way”. I may have made plenty of mistakes as a parent, but one thing I’ve made certain to pass on to all of my kids is that if one door is closed to them, there are surely others waiting to open. My youngest and I just had a related conversation this morning, in fact. Hopefully when it comes to colleges she’ll keep that in mind and realize that ALL of those on her list have something to offer her. Good for your S for forging a better path for himself and not wallowing in defeat.</p>
<p>I think you should be grateful if this is your idea of adversity (or failure), frankly. I understand your relief and pride but there are some on this board whose kids face enormous obstacles such as chronic illness, poverty, family disruption, learning disabilities, terrible secondary education, psychiatric breakdowns and the like. Good luck to your son. I mean that, but just a note on perspective.</p>
<p>compmom, I didn’t mean to suggest that not getting into a favorite school is adversity within the same solar system as some of the obstacles you point out. We have been fortunate to avoid these in our own family, but we have close friends and relatives who have experienced those things, and people who perservere through them are truly admirable. My post was geared only to adversity stemming from failure to reach a goal–for those in that position, I think that there are lessons to be learned from battling through, even if they do not reach the level of overcoming more serious obstacles.</p>
<p>I was just reacting to the title of the thread, which led to some surprise when I actually read your post. So maybe “adversity” is just the wrong word. “Learning flexibility” would fit, perhaps. No problem though and congratulations on your son’s maturing and, yes, flexibility of mind and spirit!</p>
<p>dadtimesthree, I’m glad that your son is thriving. But I’m going to be a little stronger than compmom here: Your use of the word “adversity” is offensive to those of us whose children have actually faced significant problems. A reasonable off-the-cuff definition of adversity would be something like circumstances worse than the circumstances most people experience. But not being accepted at a top school is the norm for students who apply to the top school, not to mention all the students who didn’t apply because they wanted to go there but knew they wouldn’t be accepted. Not being accepted at a lottery school, but being accepted the second choice school, a top 50 school, doesn’t count as adversity. It was surely a disappointment, but it is not adversity.</p>
<p>This looks like you just want to brag about your son. There’s nothing wrong with bragging about your son, and this is the place for it, but please. Don’t portray your son as bravely bearing up in tough circumstances, because he hasn’t had any tough circumstances.</p>
<p>Cardinal Fang–offensive? If you read my response to compmom, you know that I wasn’t equating rejection with the very serious obstacles many kids have faced. I made the point that perhaps failure to reach a goal was more appropriate than adversity, but that the post was intended for the hundreds who have posted here over the years about the disappointment their kids experienced in the admissions process to reassure them that rejection can be a teaching experience. This wasn’t, and isn’t, a contest to see who faced greater adversity–I know others have faced far more serious issues. That doesn’t mean though, that people who have experienced some sort of failure cannot discuss their response to it.</p>
<p>As you put it, if you want to vent, this is the place for it, but please don’t put words in my mouth and please don’t ignore my response to compmom just to make your point. I never said that my son was “bravely bearing up under tough circumstances”–in fact, I went out of my way to talk about how good his second choice was. While I’m proud of the maturity my son has shown recently, I don’t consider it bragging to point out his complete failure to apply himself for two years of high school, or his four month funk after getting rejected. My son is lucky he had good choices, and to not have had adversity of the type you are discussing, and mature for having taken advantage of them after his immaturity cost him choice one. There are others in those circumstances whom I hope can learn from his situation. That’s all, and I don’t think there is anything offensive about recounting what happened.</p>
<p>I don’t know if it is possible, but perhaps you could change the title of the thread. You see, the title draws people whose kids are suffering true adversity, looking for support, company or advice, and then when they run into the situation you describe, people are going to be offended.</p>
<p>How about, “second choice/ top 50 school works out”?</p>
<p>Well I’m glad he has been able to succeed at his second choice school. I don’t think it’s offensive to report on a student succeeding at his second choice school after being rejected from his first choice. Other parents of disappointed students may be glad to hear about students loving their second choices.</p>
<p>But I do think it’s ridiculous (and yes, I was offended) to call rejection from a top school “adversity”. What next? It’s adversity if your girlfriend breaks up with you? If the ice cream store is out of your favorite flavor? If you rip your jeans? Come on.</p>
<p>You can’t change the title of a thread once it is created… just ask anyone out here who has ever put a typo in one. I think we should cut the OP some slack on that.</p>
<p>Although certainly there are students who go through much more adversity than being rejected from their top school, it does sting. And a lot of students moon over what might have been. Like the OP’s kid, my D1 went on to her top 50 school and didn’t look back. When we discussed her rejection about a year later, she said, “Mom, the admissions officers knew what they were doing. It would not have been a good fit for me, and now I am glad I did not get in.”. My pocketbook is glad, too! She graduated Phi Beta Kappa with department honors in one major and the top department award in her other this spring, and has a job (with benefits) in the city she wanted to live in.</p>
<p>But agree with those that if that rejection is the worst thing that ever happens to her, she will have led a blessed life.</p>
<p>This conversation reminds me of the woman I saw today in the supermarket. She was loudly bemoaning the lack of butter crunch ice cream - “they never have butter crunch!” “Butter crunch is always sold out!” “I don’t know why they don’t stock butter crunch!”</p>
<p>After about five minutes of this, she announced, “There’s one package of butter crunch!”
[pause] “Never mind, I’ll get it next week.”</p>
<p>Stradmom, I don’t get your analogy. If a kid had gotten into their first choice off the waitlist, then said, “Never mind, I will stick with my 2nd choice anyway”, that might fit.</p>
<p>When D1 was rejected at her top choice, it was devastating to her. Right or wrong, she felt her 4 years of hard work was down the drain. When a lot of her friends were partying, she chose to stay home to put in extra effort on her school work. Maybe in many grownup’s eyes it’s not a big deal, but for a 17-18 old it was a crushing defeat. D1 did end up going to a WL school, had the best four years of her life and landed her dream job. Just like OP’s kid, it turned out fine for D1, she learned from the experience. But the college application process was an adversity for her, and I would not trivialize it.</p>
<p>I am sorry there are other kids facing bigger adversity, but there is no need to be that harsh on OP. There are kids who don’t have food or water, so does that mean we shouldn’t talk about the fact our kids are stressing over SAT or what kind of roommates they are going to have?</p>
<p>No, D1 was not disappointed, she was devastated.<br>
adversity: a difficult situation or condition : misfortune or tragedy</p>
<p>D1 definitely thought it was a difficult situation or condition when she didn’t get into her top choice school, some may not feel the same. I could care less if I won an Olympic gold medal or not, but for many of those athletes it’s a very difficult situation to deal with when they lose.</p>
<p>I do agree that people CAN learn from adversity and get stronger from it, whether it’s going to their 2nd (or lower) choice U, triumphing over being kicked out of HS, graduating in spite of chronic illness that causes excessive absences, numerous illness including chronic mono, dysfunctional family, poverty, mental illness, and/or other things that make the path tougher and cause the person to have to make choices about persevering or giving up. People who have overcome obstacles and grown and learned from them are stronger for the experiences. Hopefully they also learn to empathize with others who have their own struggles.</p>
<p>I know my kids overcoming obstacles including one being required to leave private HS after JR year and enter CC where she knew not a soul, both kids having prolonged and frequent absences throughout HS due to chronic health conditions, and other issues have made both stronger and I hope more empathetic of what others grapple with and hopefully overcome. </p>
<p>Obstacles and difficulties are what helps people show their strengths and set priorities. It can make us stronger, more flexible, or sometimes help us explore new options that we hadn’t seriously considered.</p>
I think we should cut the OP some slack on that.</p>