Hello everyone. I am appearing for SAT this November and would like you people to give critique as well as a score out of 12 for my SAT essay(s). I have found this forum to be very helpful and multiple reviewers/ essay graders are more than welcome.
Regarding the caption it’s just that I am requesting that brotherhood and mutual feeling of helping others should motivate us to take some time to help and grade my essay as well as others who post their essay here. Senior CC members are also requested to join.
Prompt: Do highly accomplished people achieve than others mainly because they expect more of themselves?
Essay: There are two ways in which a person can respond to failure: one can accept defeat or one can use it as a step on the ladder of success. As Robert Luis Stevenson rightly said, “Everyone can win with a good set of cards. The real achievement is winning with a bad one”. History is replete with examples where people who expected more of themselves – the people who were steadfast, resolute and persevering – gave accomplished imperceptible goals, while self-doubters have by and large failed to accomplish something colossal.
Battle of Okehazama, a clash on June 19, 1560 between two ill-matched armies of Japanese leaders, perfectly exemplifies the stance that trust in oneself and one’s abilities invariably allows one to accomplish wonders. In the Battle of Okehazama fought in what is now the Achi Prefecture in Japan was a battle between the courageous 26-year old Old Nabunaga, protecting his land with a force of mere 3,000 men, against the 40,000 men of rapacious warlord of Saruga, Imagawa Yoshimoto, who ignited the war by his desire to expand his empire. Victory of 3,000 men of the young Oda Nabunaga over the 15 times larger, more experienced army of Yoshimoto seemed nothing more than a fairy tale. However, Oda Nabunaga had faith in himself and marched toward Yoshimoto’s gigantic army, despite even his own generals advising him to (do) the opposite. The determination and self-confidence of Oda(,) aided by weather conditions(,) enabled Oda to win the battle against insurmountable odds. Had Oda not shown faith in himself, he and his region would have been taken over, looted and plundered.
The success story of the renowned Walt Disney is another example which aptly justifies that only perseverance and belief in one’s abilities allow a person to accomplish big (goals). Walt Disney’s first firm, the “Iwerk-Disney Animation Company” was an early debacle. He had to seek employment elsewhere to continue but he did not lose faith in himself and returned to the same business with greater experience and insight (2 years later). What happened next is history and lead to him becoming the person with most Oscars in history.
Careful analysis of Battle of Okehazama and the success story of Walt Disney appositely demonstrate the necessity of self-belief, optimism and perseverance for meaningful accomplishment; on the other hand people such as Ross Jones, the unlucky person who left the Pakistan’s music band JFK considering it to be a failure, only to see it earning millions 2 years later, have always faced disappointment at the hands of their own actions. Being overly ambitious, along with practical plans for implementation, has almost always been rewarding to individuals and the society at large.
Grammar is good. There are few or no grammatical errors.
Vocabulary is excellent.
First, I can assert that your vocabulary is decent but seems somehow to be forced into sentences. For example, you write “he and his region would have been taken over, looted and plundered”. You used two adjectives with the same meaning (loot and plunder) just to maximize SAT words in your essay. This is not too harmful. But you don’t need that, your paragraph is already well-written.
Your two paragraphs are clearly unbalanced. Your conclusion is even longer than your second example and this could hurt your score. You have to analyze the 2nd example thoroughly and to take your time especially because you don’t have a 3rd example so you have to give everything and to demonstrate strong critical thinking.
I say that because from my first impression, I understood that you have the first example in mind (I can guess that you’re Japanese or at the very least from Far East) because you analyze it with class and excellence. You gave details that added to to the main idea and will certainly boost your score.I suggest that you put more emphasis on the experience of Walt Disney (It wouldn’t be difficult).This will increase numbers of lines and automatically your score.
I want also to point to something else. Your conclusion contain an argument and discussion of famous figure whic his inappropriate. If you have another argument in mind, you can use it to write a 3rd example not to toss it in the conclusion. Conclusions are about brevity, wit and good impression just like closing up the discussion softly. That’s all what you need.
For all these reasons, I can give you an upper 8 or 9.
@Dawn001 thank you very much for the detailed critique. It has been very helpful. A large part of the notes mistakes was due to serious time management issues and I am certainly trying to improve on that. My 2nd example was brief due to this reason. I deliberately used “looted and plundered” to give a somewhat dramatic effect; have I failed in doing so? Regarding the example in the conclusion: Had I stated the example as a separate paragraph I would not have been able to complete the essay in time. On another essay of mine I mentioned 3 examples in my introduction but wasn’t able to elaborate AT ALL about it later due to requirement of completing the essay in time. What in your opinion should be my strategy here (leave the 3rd example totally and just focus on 2 examples/ briefly mention 3rd example in introduction and don’t feel any compulsion to elaborate it later/ briefly touch another example in last paragraph i.e. conclusion or something else)? I find it preferable to use 3 examples but what is your opinion on this since I am hardly ever able to manage it.
With the few potential improvements you have mentioned do you feel that I can improve my score to 11/12?
Another silly issue I am suffering from is that both essay pages are COMPLETELY filled after writing this much. I’ll have to write below the given space to add more words. Is it okay to do so? I think I can not change my writing size while keeping stuff legible in the remaining 7 days. What is your opinion on that?
P.s. I have 2-3 more essays. Will you be willing to give your views (and score) on those as well? You have already been very kind so I won’t pressurize you to do so.
I am fully aware about time pressure (I am also student and I am taking November SAT also) but this depends on the topic/the prompt:
For example, if you have the examples that jump into your mind without wasting time to recall or to search a lot then you are lucky. You can write 3 examples easily and finish your essay in class.
If not, I recommend that you write a 5-paragraph essay (with 2 well-structured and analyzed examples) rather than a 6-paragraph essay with 3 shallow, brief and unfocused examples). 2 well-analyzed examples are always better than 3 shallow ones. That’s for sure.
Remember that all depends on the test circumstances (I mean the topic and your state of mind that time) as well as the grader (you may get lucky with an easy grader). The SAT essay score is subjective and unpredictable. All what you need to get a two-digit score is to complete the 2 pages (handwritting mustn’t be too big because graders will notice. They will say maybe you are just trying to fill the space at any cost), good grammar ,decent vocabulary (using big SAT words) and diversity in sentences’ structure.
Just try in the last few days to widen the scope of your research to learn as diverse examples as possible.
Some books are very rich and contain a plethora of themes, symbols and motifs ( like George Orwell’s 1984, Animal Farm). These books can fit to most prompts.
Writing A LOT below the given space is not okay. The graders may have difficulty to read it. But, some words will not harm certainly.
I agree with a lot of what is said above. Just a few additional pointers:
“the stance that one and one’s abilities invariably allows one” – I understand that while grammatically correct, it is terribly awkward. “One’s stance and abilities allow” –
I personally had adverbs; I blame Stephen King for this. You may disagree. Stevenson “rightly” said – you offer no support for this and it’s unnecessary. Replace it with Stevenson believed.
Your essay is good, let’s just get that out of the way. It solidly represents a point of view and brings up good examples that tie together. The last sentence of your first paragraph is just bad writing. “History is replete with examples of steadfast, resolute and persevering people achieved greatness. Self-doubters rarely accomplish much.” You get rid of the awkward aside, break up the sentence and I think it have an overall better impact."
I also agree that your paragraphs are very outmatched. Your details for the battle are precise and clear. Then you segue somewhat confusingly into Disney.
This might be more than you can fit into this essay but I would include counterpoints, e.g. a self-doubter that did accomplish much. History has many examples of people (inventors, artists) who weren’t worth a damn while they were alive, but now are considered masters of their craft. I like to think of this as the “leave them with something uplifting” effect. When they put down your essay (and move onto just one more on a huge stack) you want them to linger on something you have said. Van Gogh, Edgar Allen Poe, Oscar Wilde all considered themselves failures in their lifetimes, at least financially.
Maybe your theme is that greatness or accomplishment should never be the goal and sometimes is never realized while one is alive to appreciate it. Does that make “The Telltale Heart” any less a masterpiece? Don’t be afraid to challenge the premise of the question.
@Dawn001 thank you once again.
Can you elaborate on the 5 paragraph format (1 Intro paragraph, 2 example paragraphs, 1 conclusion paragraph what is the last paragraph?)
@jeremyj from most of the research I have formed the view that one should be in ABSOLUTE support of one of the point of views. Offering another side of the story may just make the essay unnecessarily complex, and if not adequately justified may result in deduction of marks. BTW have you given the SAT? Your SAT and essay score? Also, what score do you think this essay in the correct condition would receive?
Guys, can you kindly express your opinion and score of this essay as well. This is a previously crafted essay so it does not bring into consideration the newly learnt ways to improve my essay. I just wanted to make a fair estimate of where I stand atm and where I can be in the next 4-5 days.
Prompt: Can deception ever be justified?
Deception can mostly be justified, though this may not be always the case. Deception is not always associated to evil intents. It may be employed for achieving goals which benefit the society as a whole. It may be one of the ‘required’ steps in attaining the greater goals.
One such example can be found in Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s novel “The Valley of Fear”. In the novel, which is part of the revered ‘Sherlock Holmes Series’ the protagonist, who is actually a police officer, infiltrates the gang operating in the town. He deceives them into believing that he is a sincere member of the gang and due to his skills soon finds his way to the top mobsters. By this he gets access to their secrets, saves valuable lives and finally also succeeds in capturing them, thus helping the town get rid of these goons.
As described in the novel, had the protagonist attempted to capture them as a police officer it would have been a near impossible thing, keeping in view the power and influence the gang had. However, by making use of deception the protagonist was able to capture the goons, and that too without much bloodshed. Hence, a greater motive was attained which benefitted multitude of people and deception can rightly be justified in this case.
Deception can be considered apt in many other cases as well. I remember going to my relative’s place for lunch, where my cousin was to serve food cooked by her. It was her first time so the food did not turn out to be a much delicious one. However, everyone praised her a lot, more than what was needed as a formality. It was a great encouragement to her, who resisted cooking earlier thinking she would do it horribly. Almost five years have passed since that day and now she has turned into no less than a professional chef. The girl who was praised for food difficult to swallow is now the title bearer “Young Chef Lahore”: a cooking contest held in her college.
The examples stated above show some of the situations where deception can be justified. It can be seen that making use of deception resulted in such an advantageous outcome which would have hardly been perceivable in absence of it. However, it should also be worth mentioning that deception in some cases like to court a girl may never be justified since such an act can have impacts of such intensity as spoiling of many people’s lives.
I would amend that rule to say: “Always agree, in part.” For no other reason than you do not want to limit yourself to only one side of an opinion, and nothing on an essay test is an absolute. There are great people who did not “accomplish” much in their lifetime. How would you account for them? Being able to see all sides of an argument is the best first step to understanding it.
Your stance is that all great people accomplish in their lifetime. Discuss Van Gogh. Even Disney, the example you use failed. (http://www.byrdseed.com/the-surprising-financial-failures-of-walt-disney/). Did Disney accomplish more because he expected more of himself or did he learn from his failures? I might be getting out of scope for a single essay, but never take an absolute stance (yes, I know, hypocrisy). There are always exceptions to rules and being able to include them shows that you are able to see an issue from all sides. It will leave a better lasting impression than knowing the number of people in an ancient army, I believe.
I got a 5 on the AP English Comp exam. A 7 on the IB English HL exam. 800 Verbal SAT/36 ACT. And my extended essay for my IB got an additional 2 points towards my diploma.
Giving you a score would be like throwing darts in a dark room. Overall, your quality is high. Vocab and argument structure are solid. You have a thesis that you (although somewhat lopsided) manage to defend fairly well. I would score you on the upper end, but there’s always room for improvement.
I get the impression that English is not your first language. Your thesis statement is muddled. “Deception can be justified, for example when used for the greater good of society.” Or something to that effect. Never say with 50 words what you can say with 5.
A lot of your sentences are run-ons. Try breaking them up for variety. It would make the essay easier to read. I personally loathe sentences that start with “however” or “hence” but I was brow-beaten with Strunk and White as a student. Times may have changed.
“The food did not turn out to be a delicious one” – should be “The food was not delicious.”
Avoid (too much) passive voice: “It was a great encouragement to her.” = “The praise encouraged her.”
I would also review the use of colons. Everyone on CC hates that I’m a strict grammar policeman, but your use is incorrect.
And your essay ends awkwardly. You start your final paragraph summarizing your previous points and then in the final sentence mention deceiving women into marriage. Also, it should be peoples’.
Scored - mid-range to low. Your thesis is misguided and not supported. Your examples are a little “all over the place”, from literature to marriage. Grammar is inconsistent and inappropriately used.
It can definitely be a great essay with some work. I don’t mean to discourage you completely.
Ok, I get it @Dawn001. @jeremyj you have got that right, but that is not a major obstruction tbh. Anyway, this was my first SAT essay so it is totally understandable that it’s not up to the mark. Your critique has been really helpful.
Can be kind enough to do the same for this essay as well (an exact “expected” score like 8 and 11 would be more appreciated):
Prompt: Should leaders follow their own convictions or should they submit to the public opinion?
Essay: People who are in the truest sense of the word, ‘leaders’ should follow their own convictions and not submit to public opinion. History is replete with examples where the leader going against the views of his/ her people has established such wonders that even the public who was once against them have no choice but to ponder and applaud.
After the World War I, in which Germany was amongst the losing bloc, Germany had to face myriad sanctions, which included ban on developing army and ammunition. The Germans had to accept this injustice and were to live a life of what was an implicit ‘slavery’. However, amongst these suppressed rose a leader: Hitler. Whether what he did was right or wrong is a debatable issue, but what he did was surely beneficial for the Germans. He realized the need for establishing armed forces, and he did exactly that. He had the audacity to take the risk of annoying the World Giant America to create a safer country for his people. In doing so he made Germany into a symbol of terror, from a symbol of pity and soon gained support of his nation. The actions he carried out later and how and why he failed is out of the scope of this topic, but what is worth noting is that by refusing to abide by the risk-averse thinking of his fellow men he changed the stature of Germany, forever.
Another such example can be seen in the partition of sub-continent. Hindu-Muslim hatred had been a long instilled phenomenon among the civilian of sub-continent. Most had become indifferent to what was going on. However, some leaders amongst them decided to make a break through and pursued the ‘two-nation theory’ and after decades of untiring efforts gave Muslims and Hindus separate dwellings. Had they not resisted the ideology back then, the bloodshed and chaos which could have been happening now is unimaginable. In going against the less-informed populice the leaders established a wonder, against insurmountable odds.
As seen in the aforementioned examples the public opinion is usually not the criterion for the best approach for dealing with a situation. In going against the less-informed, less-wise (as a whole) public, a ‘leader’ – the selfless person who actually puts the group’s interest ahead of his own – can establish wonders; thus he should be following his own convictions, though after thorough and comprehensive analysis of the situation.
I find that giving people numbered scores is meaningless, has no purpose, and completely no bearing on what the essay will get when it’s scored by a professional. So I don’t do that.
This essay has quite a few grammatical errors. You are missing words in some sections “Germany had to face (a) myriad (of) sanctions.” I can see that you are trying to use some impressive vocab and I applaud you for that, but at least be sure to use them correctly.
As for the rest, I am completely at a loss for what you are trying to say. Your example is a bit shady, too. Hitler swayed popular opinion to his ideology. Does that make him a slave to popular opinion or an opinion-maker?
This essay would score very low because there are consistent and obvious grammatical errors, your thesis is unclear and/or unsupported and seems “formulaic” for lack of a better word. “As seen in the aforementioned examples” is a wholly unnecessary phrase (I can’t see you ever quoting previously unmentioned examples) and makes it sound like a legal document instead of something you have a clear and decisive opinion on.
