Let me know what you think of my essay!

<p>Prompt: Describe a place or environment where you are perfectly content. What do you do or experience there, and why is it meaningful to you? </p>

<pre><code> nICE Life
</code></pre>

<p>It is 4:27a.m. on a Tuesday morning in the middle of February. I am in a dank, low lit room breathing in nothing but the pungent odor of our rarely washed hockey equipment; a stench to which only a hockey player can attest. My eyelids fight to stay open. The sight of my breath makes me feel colder than I already am. I unzip my bag to retrieve my towel to put around me, in an attempt to retain some of my body’s dwindling warmth. Much to my dismay, all that I uncover is a clump of rigid cloth frozen to my practice jersey. Crap, I forgot to take my bag out of my trunk last night. I see many of my closest friends occupying the same small, frigid room as me. Almost all are hunched over, trying to catch some brief minutes of shuteye. I pull out my gear and slowly begin attaching it to my body, letting the thin coating of ice defrost against me. My shivering body would much rather be tucked away in the warmth of my bed, sound asleep preparing for the arduous day of school and homework ahead. However, my mind, does not feel the same way. In my mind, there is no place I would rather be.</p>

<p>It is now 5:27 a.m. My teammates are no longer hunched over on the bench inside the locker room. Instead, many of us are hunched over the home team bench, getting rid of some undigested dinner from last night, a not so uncommon occurrence. Suddenly, the piercing sound of our coach’s whistle echoes throughout the rink, signaling the end to our brief respite. I re-strap my helmet and hurdle the boards back onto the ice for our second of three 25 minute rounds of continuous skating. Right now, there is no place I would rather be.</p>

<p>Finally, the clock strikes 6:20. The sound of the final whistle echoes off the rink walls for a final time. Using the last of my depleted energy reserves, I slowly glide off the ice without a word. Though practice is over and both my mind and body are drained, there is no place I would rather be.</p>

<p>I was two and a half years old when my Pop put on my first pair of ice skates. I can’t say I was thrilled. In fact, my parents said I cried when I finally stood on the ice with the help of a milk crate. But, something inside me wouldn’t let me quit. Apparently, I made an inspiring, but unsuccessful attempt to stumble across the ice to get to a 6 year old girl, who I failed to see, was way out of my league. However, this experience bred far more than a love for that six year old girl; it bred my insatiable love for hockey.</p>

<p>I say insatiable in that I have never thought to question waking up at 4:05am five times a week, eighteen weeks each miserable, New England winter to drive to the next town and skate to the point where I have lost feeling in my limbs. Insatiable in that I would spend all this time and energy, just to play high school hockey, knowing that I will never play in the NHL. I do it for that feeling of freedom and peace I get while gliding across the ice, and ultimately, for the glory of the place where I love to be.
This type of passion and commitment for something I love extends far outside the confines of the ice rink. It extends into the classroom. I love learning and I never cease to challenge myself to fullest educationally. I realize that if I can both physically and mentally endure years of these brutal hockey seasons, I can surely endure the mental strains of a few extra hours of studying each night. </p>

<p>[Please let me know what you think and critique it all you want. It is currently 648 words. I will be applying to some nearly Ivy level schools so the more help the better. Specifically help me out with the ending if you could! Thanks!]</p>

<p>First sentence and a half: I was intrigued and excited to read more.</p>

<p>Halfway through the second sentence, “hockey equipment”: Oh, another sports essay.</p>

<p>Now, I do not actually believe that an unusual interest makes you more deserving of admission merely by virtue of being unusual. However, it is also not the admissions officers’ fault that reading the same essay in ten thousand slightly different forms gets boring. This is well-written, probably better written than most, and I’m not just saying that to be polite or make you feel better. But it is probably not enough to distinguish what is ultimately yet another “I play sports and it is character-building” essay.</p>

<p>1) The first 3 paragraphs essentially say the same thing (about how early you get up to practice hockey). Can this be condensed?</p>

<p>2) Para 4 and 5 are the meat of this essay. Can you expand this more? Especially on what being on the ice means to you? You have a nice writing style. Play with this a little and try to put it down in words</p>

<p>3) The title is “Nice Life”. Can you think of something a little more uplifting and inspirational?</p>

<p>Thank you both for your great input!
Jpheys: I am afraid that I’m falling under that cliche sports essays and I’m glad you gave me that feedback addressing my greatest concern. My reasoning behind sticking with a hockey essay was (1) The conditions of hockey practices are unlike any other sport (2) I chose the perfectly content environment topic even though it seems like its some pretty crappy circumstances. I am worried that the admissions reviewer (I plan on applying ED to Duke so they have high expecations) will feel the same way that you do, however, I am not sure if I should start from scratch or stick with this essay. </p>

<p>Sgopal2: 1) I felt the same way that I was telling too much of a story, but I kind of feel like the long anecdote is puts the reader more in my shoes (or skates).
2) I took out the “this type of passion” ending paragraph because I didn’t think I flowed too well. I am having trouble connecting this story back to me as a person. I’m not sure what exactly I should say. I will continue to play around with it but I would love any suggestions.
3) I had nICE Life because (if you didn’t pick up on it) it has a double meaning: “Nice Life” and “ICE Life”. My original title was “Ice, Ice, Baby”, but I just thought of that as a joke and took it out, however, if you think it might be better then let me know!</p>

<p>dank</p>