Life crisis. Considering transferring - 2x transfer - need serious advice.

Transfer Students
1

<p>I really need some serious advice and I would really appreciate it if everyone would be as kind as possible. I'm a junior in the nursing program at my current university. I spent my freshman year at another 4-year university and absolutely hated it. I was in a relationship at the time and never got out and spent most of my time with him. I would go home almost every weekend since my college was only 45 minutes away so I never really got that "traditional first-year experience" even though I was living in the dorms. I ultimately decided that my university was not a good fit for me and I wanted out. So, I transferred, choosing a university that was in close proximity to my boyfriend. When I transferred, I decided I did not want to live in the dorms but instead wanted to live off campus in an apartment with my friend and my boyfriend. I spent the first year at my new university living with him, and my second year as well. I never involved myself on campus or with the social scene because I was so wrapped up in the relationship - I was positive we were meant for one another, I was young and in love for the first time, how I so painfully regret my decision now. </p>

<p>My boyfriend and I broke up in the summer after 4 years and I moved in with my 2 friends from high school who don't go to school with me. I thought this would help me to have the social life I have deprived myself of for so long but it turns out it hasn't. They work a lot and are both in relationships. I literally wake up, go to school, come home, do homework, go to sleep (repeat). I seriously am at a complete loss. If I never transferred, I would be graduating this spring but when I transferred to my new university, I changed my major, which set me a year back, so I am technically a junior at the university I am at now. I am seriously considering transferring and just sucking it up and doing an extra year at the new university and starting fresh. This means I would graduate in 6 years vs 5 years. I know how completely ridiculous and illogical this idea may sound - the idea of transferring again, but I am completely miserable. I'm 21 years old and I should be thoroughly enjoying my life and I am not at all. The only friends I have are a few friends from high school that I continue to find I really have very little in common with. I would love to just start at a university where I could live in the dorms with other transfer students and then spend my last year hopefully living off campus with friends that I would make there.
I know that college is about getting an education, but I also know it is a time for one to find out who they are, to be irresponsible, to grow as a person.... I feel I haven't done that at all. I am turning 22 in the summer and I feel like I am the same person I was when I graduated high school. I am seriously having a life crisis and I don't know what to do. I have never been to the bars near my campus, I have never been to a college party at my university, I have never gotten wasted when I have class the next day, and the list could go on. I don't want to look back on my college years and have no stories to tell, no good memories to look back on, but at his point, that is what I am finding. </p>

<p>The only friends I have at my current university are the few that I see in class, and the reason I don't see them outside of class is because we really don't have much in common and none of them really go out. Everyone at my school is very cliquey as well - I have tried so hard to make friends. I join clubs and I try and be as social as possible. I am so nice to everyone and I know I'm not socially awkward or anything - everyone just already has their cliques from freshman year established and since I know literally no one and have no plans to offer up since I have no friends at school, I never get anywhere. This summer I studied abroad and I thought that would be the perfect opportunity to meet people from my school and hopefully come back in the fall with a set of friends - WRONG. I am so sick of being alone. When my friends are home from college, it is nice to see them and go out and I have a social life then, but during school, I don't. I am so outgoing, and I had so many friends in high school, so I am not used to this. I guess I didn't realize how much I was missing out on when I was with my boyfriend because at the time I didn't care, I was blind to it. I really don't know what to do. I feel so lost and I am so depressed. My mom thinks I need to just finish up my last 3 semesters at my current university (which is very expensive) and try as hard as possible to make friends, and trust me, if it was that easy I would, but it is NOT at all. One thing I failed to mention is that my university is in a large city - it is an urban campus, so some students live all over the city, although most live right around campus - in other words, I have no "college town". I don't want to graduate in 1 year and a half and be in the same position socially that I am now because I know that after college it just becomes even more difficult to make friends. Someone, please give me some advice, I don't know what to do.</p>

2

<p>Wow it’s nice to know there are other people in my position… I am a couple years older than you and have been switching schools/majors like crazy, it turns out that I’m actually searching for friends… I also went abroad… Over to India… Met a few ppl but the friendships are temporary. I am currently at a small university in FL and HATING it! I never went to college parties, games etc…and actually all of that isn’t as great as it seems. If I was a person in a regular university I would say stick it out and finish where you are, because the more you transfer, the further you get set back…but I’m not at a regular university and I know what it’s like to not have friends…I usually average a 3.5gpa… This semester I landed a 1.5gpa and was put on academic notice… Which all happened because I got really depressed and couldn’t even find the energy to go to class… I have applied to all the main universities here in FL and will hear back after Xmas break… So in my opinion, having friends is your first priority! If you aren’t happy and don’t associate with others, that can take a turn for the worse and really affect your GPA…if you feel that it’s the best thing for you, then transfer! Hopefully it all works out! :)</p>

3

<p>Your first day back on campus after winter break, haul your self into the counseling center, and sit down with someone there. The people in that office have helped many students with this issue, and similar issues, and will have ideas for you. At present, you are probably stuck in a lease. But once it expires, perhaps you can move into a residence hall at your current university. Late, but not impossible to start making friends.</p>

4

<p>Finish at your current university. Your issues about making friends won’t get solved by another transfer or spending more and more years as an undergrad. You have a fantasy projection of what college and college friendships are like…and you can have meaningful friendships at any phase of life. College friends are not some special shiny category that you are missing out on.</p>

<p>I agree about the advice for counseling. Best of luck.</p>

5

<p>Who’s paying for all of this? Taking 6 years to finish college to have a better social life is a luxury most can’t afford.</p>

<p>I couldn’t agree with Annika more. What makes you think transferring anywhere as a junior/senior is going to make gaining friendships any easier than your last 2 colleges and study abroad? Do you think there’s a college where most don’t have established friendships by this point?</p>

<p>You are looking for answers in the wrong places. You don’t need to move to make friends, you need to figure out how to make friends where you are. You need to stop chasing a fantasy and get on with the next stages of your life that can produce the social life you want if you work for it.</p>

6

<p>asti5055, I totally know how you feel because I’ve been in the SAME EXACT position: thinking you’re in love with your bf so young, closed yourself off to the rest of the world, discovering you have so little in common with old friends, breaking up, transferring and considering transferring again. I wont go into it, but trust me, I TOTALLY GET IT. It literally feels like I wrote your post haha. </p>

<p>I’ve already transferred once and did all those college things you are yearning to do…and yes it’s rewarding to say that now you’ve done it. But the situation with the friends is something I have yet to figure out…because yes everyone’s pretty cliquey from freshman year. I’ve definitely found one friend who I can confidently say I will be friends with for the rest of my life…so I def recommend transferring if you feel that is right for you. Seriously, do what you want. If you’re not happy, why waste your youth??</p>

7

<p>Thank you everyone for all of your replies. My grades dropped a lot this semester. I had always been on the dean’s list but this is the first semester I have not been and I know it is because I am extremely depressed. I am in counseling outside of my university but maybe I will try seeking out counseling on campus when I get back from winter break. I wasn’t sure if this was the appropriate forum to post on but I’m glad that I found some of you that can relate here!
As far as finances are concerned, I have been very lucky, my family has been able to afford to pay for my college tuition thus far and I’m extremely grateful for that. I just feel guilty that they’re paying so much money for me to attend a university that I am extremely unhappy at.
I completely agree with you Annika, I know meaningful relationships can happen at any point in life, but I’m 21 years old now and can honestly say I have few, if any at all. These are supposed to be “the best years of my life”, and I know you can have “the best years” at other times as well, but at this point I have lived some of the worst years of my life and I don’t want to let time pass me by any longer. I don’t want to look back on my youth and feel like it was wasted :frowning:
I have worked on a social life. I try and get my roommates to go out with me ALL the time. I make conversation with people on campus and whenever I am out around the city. I work at it every day.
What makes me believe things will be different this time around is: 1, I would live on campus and 2, I DO NOT and will NOT get into a relationship. I am not socially awkward, I am actually a very outgoing person. When I started at my 2nd university I lived off campus with my boyfriend. I made friends in my classes but that was about as far as it went. I truly had no desire, I thought everything I wanted was right in front of me. I was so unbelievably wrong and it sickens me. I don’t want to live with this regret for the rest of my life.
I have really been looking into transferring, I just have some concerns. I will be turning 22 in the summer. I would live on campus at the new university for the first year, hopefully in a dorm with other transfer students so I’m not stuck with a bunch of 19 year olds. Do you think living on campus is a bad idea? Has anyone had any experience going back to college and living on campus at 21, 22, 23 years old? I just want to have the life I wanted for myself, and I am so upset that I sacrificed that for someone who could care less now.
I so greatly appreciate everyone’s advice!</p>

8

<p>Rileigh, do you find that you have trouble fitting in with the younger students at any of the universities you have transferred to?</p>

9

<p>Furitmoney, I seriously almost cried when I read your post. I’m so glad to hear there is someone else who has been in my position. If you don’t mind me asking, when you transferred, did it set you back at all? And how many semesters did you spend at your initial university?</p>

10

<p>Here’s another idea. Could you take a leave of absence next semester while you sort this all out? Tricky perhaps with the apartment situation, but maybe not impossible of your current housemates can find someone to replace you.</p>

11

<p>asti5055, I hope fate one day will do something fantastic and we end up meeting one day…honestly. We’d completely understand each other.
I transferred just last semester to Binghamton University after spending one year in my city college (where I was making NO FRIENDS AT ALL due to the fact that it was a commuter campus). I lived the life you say you’re currently living: wake up, do homework, study, exercise, sleep, repeat. I was so upset. During my transfer application process, I had gained admission to all the schools I applied to except for Cornell University, which offered me a transfer option for the Fall 2012 semester. I basically wanted to transfer to any school that would let me live on campus and let me interact with my peers much more than I was able to at my city college (I didn’t even have any HS friends really since the only HS friend I had was my exboyfriend). ew I know I hate myself for doing that.
Now that I’m in Binghamton, most of my classes transferred, in fact only one class didnt. Since I’m looking to transfer again to Cornell for reasons different from yours (I’m not actually dissatisfied with the social scene at Binghamton really, it’s just not completely meeting my expectations since I’ve really only found one close friend), I’ve spent a lot of time looking at the curriculum in Cornell for my intended major so I can prevent the loss of credits. I recommend that if you DO decide to transfer, to start looking into the curriculums of all the schools you’re interested in as well and then applying to the schools that look like will accept most of your credits (if that is one of your largest concerns, which I’m sure it is since college costs so much).</p>

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<p>It is harder because most are younger than me… ( I took a year off my major and completed an EMT program and Paramedic) but I have signed up for sports and different clubs to meet more people … I would meet more people my age if I was at a school with a larger amount of grad students… I’m in the process of transferring out…</p>

13

<p>Not sure where you are, and I have no experience with your situation…but I do believe that very few upper classmen still live in traditional dorms. They usually are getting on or off campus apartment style housing with people they choose. You would have to ask to be “dormed” with another transfer student and odds are many of your dorm-mates would be younger. I don’t think that’s the plan for you.</p>

<p>Do you work? Perhaps a job would help you make friends. If possible get a job in a field you are interested in and then your co-workers would be likely to have similar interests. Are you religious? I would think religious clubs/groups would be very open and not cliquey. Even a study group might be helpful to get to know other people better.</p>

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<p>Furitmoney: I hope for the same. I never thought I’d find anyone who could relate. I hate that I’m going to have to look back on my college years and find that I have no one in my past that will be able to speak at my wedding about “That one time in college…” or have a network of friends “from college”. Maybe I have this idealized perception of what college is all about but when I’m out around my city, at the bars, or just out to dinner, I see so many groups of college kids and I can’t help but feel so much regret for pushing away the social opportunities I had to connect with a group for one person who is so far out of my life now :frowning: I really screwed up…
But I will definitely look into the curriculum at prospective universities as I really can’t afford to waste any more time.
Thank you so much for your advice. I really can’t tell you enough how happy I am to find someone who can relate and understand.
njfootballmom: I don’t work. I’m a nursing student working towards my BSN so getting a position as a PCT or CNA is an option. I am not religious and I do have a study group but unfortunately it is with people who I have trouble relating to outside of study time because of dissimilar interests. I stay with that group though because without them, I would have no one.</p>