long term relationships?

Student Lounge College Life
1

<p>edit * i meant to title this long distance relationships.. oops... but both apply ;)</p>

<p>My boyfriend and I are high school seniors. We've been in a serious relationship for about a year, are in love, and hate the idea of breaking up because of distance next year -- but though we arent sure where we're going, theres a good chance we'll be far apart. (on the same coast.. but more than 3 hours away , possibly as much as 7...). So... we're both really worried about how to make it work.</p>

<p>All of our friends, and his sister, have had bad experiences with long term relationships in college & its ended badly ... for example one person got drunk at a party and cheated... one person didnt have much of a life because their bf was always calling them and got really bitter... etc. </p>

<p>I know that of course, if we both want it, we can avoid those problems^, but it still seems really difficult. Im not sure I want to marry this person or anything, (too far away!), but I do love him. Have any of you had long term relationships as a college freshman and had them work for a while/end happily if they did end? What were the challenges and what helped you through it?</p>

<p>Thanks</p>

2

<p>One of the girls that lives in my dorm is pulling out a successful long-distance relationship right now. Her bf lives about 3.5 hours away from our school. They seem like they are getting on really well still... it's over halfway through the year so I guess they'll have to see in May but right now they seem to be going strong.</p>

3

<p>Things will change in college. Wait and see how it all works out. If it is becoming "work" to "keep up" the relationship, then it's time to call it quits, because a relationship isn't an end in itself when you're 18 years old.</p>

4

<p>hey aube88! I have a success story that maybe can give you some hope.</p>

<p>My boyfriend and I go to separate schools, I'm in Boston and he's in Pittsburgh. We started going out my jr. year of high school in May. He's a year older than me, so we've been doing the long distance college thing for almost 2 years. </p>

<p>I'm now a freshman in college, he's a sophmore, and while it's really tough, it can work if you two are dedicated enough. I admit sometimes its hard when you're out with your friends and you're the only one without a guy around, but if you truly love him then you should be able to make it work. Trust is very key, and is also necessary to avoid the whole "getting drunk and making mistakes" thing that so often happens like you said. I like to go out and have fun, but I'm not a big drinker and neither is he, and neither of our schools are notorious for parties, so I guess that has allowed us to avoid making bad decisions. If anything, I go out more than him. Sometimes he gets upset or jealous that I'm out and he can't be there, but communication is very key, and in the end it's always worked out. </p>

<p>As far as being so needy that we keep one another locked in our dorms on the phone or online, my boyfriend and I are very much independent people. While we do talk at least once a day on the phone and always are chatting online, we respect each other's schedules, and we both have lives away from each other. In my opinon, this is VERY important, for if you do break up, you still have a life at school to fall back on. However, I can say that I do miss him a TON, and sometimes it's just nice to hang out and have a long phone convo with each other. My boyfriend and I also both have Mac computers with webcams, and that helps a lot with dealing with the distance. I'd suggest getting one, they are as cheap as about $20 at Staples.</p>

<p>So overall, my point is that yes it CAN work. It's not as easy as what you may be used to in having him there all the time, and you'll come to see that vacations and weekend trips become extremely precious, but you'll adjust, and if you want to make it work, it will.</p>

<p>GL!</p>

5

<p>My bf and I of 3 years have been long-distance (4 hrs) this last semester. It was really tough, and we both talked about being in an open relationship. The distance, loneliness, and growing interest in others put us on the rocks every once and a while, but we got past it. Making it work really depends on how much you value the relationship and how much work you put into it. I know a few people who are still together after this first semester, but most of them broke up. I think the more social you are, the harder it is.</p>

<p>My advice, talk to each other EVERY day. Tell each other everything, even if you've done something awful. If you grow interest for someone else, seriously think about what you would be sacrificing and how he/she compares to the person you've already got.</p>

<p>Also realize that if the relationship is hurting your grades or happiness/wellbeing, maybe breaking up is for the better.</p>

6

<p>If it makes you feel better, my boyfriend and I are going to be doing the long distance thing next year too. I'll be here and he'll been DENMARK doing study abroad :(. As with Chrissy and her bf, we respect each other's need for space and life that is somewhat seperate from the relationship (but that's not much because we go to the same school :)). He's a year ahead of me so we have some seperate friends, different class schedules, and he has a part-time job. But we get together once or twice during the week and AT LEAST one weekend day, but that depends on assignments or studying needing to be done for Monday. </p>

<p>However, it will be a different story next year when we have the Atlantic Ocean, Ireland, the UK, and the North Sea between us. It will be hard, very hard, not to mention lonely. I know he'll miss family and friends while he's in a strange country, but he's very excited abut the whole adventure. I try to be excited for him when he talks about it, but I worry that we'll drift apart. We've only been dating a few months, so the difficulty of the seperation will be best determined when we get closer to his departure. But as of right now, I'm dreading him leaving me here all alone and will be counting the days until he comes home, which may not be until May '08 because winter semester break for abroad students is shorter, so speding a lot of money to bring him back for a couple of weeks may not be what his parents want to do, but I am praying that he will be back briefly next Dec/Jan. </p>

<p>I suggest you talk about how you expect the relationship to change before you both leave in August. Do you want to talk once a day, once a week, every chance you get? Will the rules for going out to party/hang with friends change? Will you be making a effort to visit each other at school during the semester? Ect, things like that. I say give it all you have during the fall semester and then talk about how it's been going during winter break. Unless it's obviously a miserable flop for you two to be apart, then don't call it quits in mid-October or some random time like that. No one is saying it will be easy, but if you put everything you have into making it work during fall semester, then, when you are home in December, you will be better able to say that you can either continue to go on like this or that it would be better to let each other go.</p>

7

<p>thanks guys, the success stories make me feel a little better :/. its still kinda scary though. and he is probably going to know where hes going in feb/march and im applying to the same place.. itd be really tempting to go there.. but we both know its probably not the right school for me. AHH!! i hate this already :(</p>

8

<p>I think if you're willing to try to make it work, it can. My boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years, and they've all been long distance. When he comes home from college he lives seven hours away, when he's at college he's about thirteen hours away. We regularly go four to five months in a row without seeing each other. </p>

<p>It's hard because you can't actually be there for each other. One of the hardest things for me is to listen to him being upset on the other end of the phone and knowing there's nothing I can do about it. Also, I do get jealous of his friends that are girls, not because I'm worried or anything, but because it bothers me that they get to spend time with him every day and I don't.</p>

<p>I would definitely suggest getting webcams if you don't have them already. There's something about seeing each other that makes it a little easier to get through. Saying little things to let each other know that they don't have anything to worry about. Even though you know there's nothing to worry about, it's nice to be reassured. </p>

<p>Let me know if I can do anything else to help</p>

9

<p>Honey, I'd say you two need to end it. I know you love him, I know he loves you...but you need to end it. He's a young man and if he allows himself to go to clubs and parties, his eyes are going to wander. So will yours.</p>

<p>You two could be good friends, but don't delude yourselves into thinking your relationship is going to last.</p>

10

<p>
[quote]
You two could be good friends, but don't delude yourselves into thinking your relationship is going to last.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I agree, and I'd extend this statement to include most college relationships.</p>

<p>Get your knowledge, diploma, job experience, etc. that's what you're there for.</p>

11

<p>I was in a similar situation to the OP my freshman year...my girlfriend and I knew we were perfect for each other, we had been dating a year before I went to college, and thought we could do the long distance thing in college. I went about 11 hours away while she was still in high school. Things were kinda rocky my freshman year, I was pretty miserable in school from missing her all the time and did some things I regret, but we made it through. By the end of the summer after freshman year, we knew we couldn't do it anymore. So we broke up. But it was hard, because we both still loved each other, like whenever I was home we would hug, then makeout, etc. Anyways now life is really complicated...I feel like a lot of that could have been avoided if we had broken up after high school, or if I stayed closer to home. All said, I think if you can find a college close to your current bf that you'll KNOW you'll be happy at with or without your bf, i'd go there.</p>

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<p>i just noticed most people on this thread are girls.</p>

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<p>I dated a girl the summer before she started college, when it was the summer before my junior year. She went to Rowan, 2.5 hours away. I had no car. She had no car first semester.</p>

<p>We stayed together for fourteen months, breaking up this past October. We were in love for a long time, and even though it was very hard, and we fought sometimes, it was still worth getting to see her every week or two. We were best friends, and hopefully after we put this relationship behind us we can be best friends again. It's been extremely hard for me to deal with this, but I'm kind of looking forward to going to college single so if I find someone i want to be with, i can spend a lot more time with them, and have a lot less stress.</p>

<p>Edit: betterday, I'm a guy. Hah.</p>