Look at my essay

I just finished writing the first draft of main essay. I think it sucks, and I don’t know how to change it. Can you help? I just wrote it in one day and didn’t check on mechanical errors (spelling, grammar, punctuaton, etc.) yet.

My teacher told our class to stand and recite the Pledge of Allegiance in the classroom. The entire class stood up, with right hands pressing against our chests, as we faced the flag that hung just below the ceiling at the corner of the room. I suddenly burst out, “O America! Our home and native land!” Everyone looked at me strangely and started to laugh. Confused and a little hurt, I turned aside to my teacher, who started to laugh. She explained to me that it was Canadian national anthem, which it was inappropriate to sing at the Pledge of Allegiance since we were in America.

This incident took place on my first day of fifth grade at PS. 183 in New York City. I had just moved to United States with my parents who were looking for unlimited opportunities. Leaving behind my safety net of customs and culture in Canada, I embarked on a mission in which I was forced to adapt to the American society. At the same time, what made it easy for me to come to United States was my eagerness to immerse myself in a new culture. I knew that I might never get such an experience again, so I was determined to learn all I could about the history, and the people, and the cultural of that country. From the minute I stepped off the plane at the airport in New York, the vastly different sights along the busy street, the delicious smell of fast food, and my feelings of excitement about my new surroundings told me that I was definitely in “the land of opportunity.” But, I didn’t know that adapting to a new place and culture would take me longer time than I thought.

Although children are often quick assimilators of new environments, I feel like I spent my entire fifth grade and my middle years simply trying to learn the world of America, as well as getting used to more expensive health care and eating a sloppy hamburger and greasy French fries. Like all foreign cultures, American culture is difficult to learn and adapt to. This really surprised me because Canada and United States share a territory and the language of English; yet they have different cultures, different customs, different histories, and different governments.

Many of my new friends and teachers told me that my English was fluent and even articulate. However, I was faced with a new problem: my soft, warm Canadian accent. This dilemma caused me some heartache; as a newcomer, I had trouble making friends, and other children treated me like an alien and didn’t include me in their groups, not giving me a sense of belonging not only in school but also in country. But again, with an unwillingness to surrender to my circumstances, I redoubled my efforts and before long made several good friends. At the same time, I started to feel welcome in America.

American History was the hardest subject for me at that time. The teacher everyday asked the class questions I never heard before in my life! Who was George Washington? What did Abraham Lincoln do to slavery? What happened in Vietnam War? Who were Rosa Park and Martin Luther King Jr.? As the teacher kept asking all these obscure questions, I was dumbfounded and completely clueless. I never heard of the president of the United States or any of these American people; I just knew who my Prime Minister was and that was it. All the children enthusiastically raised their hands and answered the questions proudly and confidently. I thought of myself as unintelligent and soon became self-conscious.

I found perseverance to be my answer to the challenge, and I worked assiduously on my American History. I remember borrowing numerous books and resources from my teacher and reading every night, expanding my knowledge with amazing information I obtained. I observed people at my school, in the Times Square, or the Central Park, seeing what they wore, how they walked, and how they talked as Americans. Eventually, with some understanding about American society, I was starting to assimilate to the American society.

I have now lived in the United States for eight years. Although my difficulties with assimilating into American society gradually diminish with each passing year, I constantly face new challenges and obstacles. But through my experience with adapting to the new environment and making friends in a new land, I found that hindrances are best met with persistence. I will always remember my incident in fifth grade at the Pledge of Alliance, and, more importantly, its significance in beginning my seven-year struggle to understanding the American society.

<p>Dazed, the beginning of the essay is interesting. The rest of it is really boring. I don't think adcoms want to labor through your assimilation into American culture like this. And besides, Canada being a neighboring country, it should not have been that hard to assimilate anyway.
But maybe I am being judgemental....</p>

<p>So how can I improve it?</p>

<p>I would have actually used a different topic altogether. The beginning was interesting. But for example:</p>

<p>"American History was the hardest subject for me at that time. The teacher everyday asked the class questions I never heard before in my life! Who was George Washington? What did Abraham Lincoln do to slavery? What happened in Vietnam War? Who were Rosa Park and Martin Luther King Jr.? "</p>

<p>Are you applying to elite colleges? This will come across as totally unimpressive. My son knew a lot about Canada even though he did not live in Canada when he was in 5th grade. Perseverence is fine....but it shows you lack general knowledge.</p>

<p>This one is totally unimpressive:
" never heard of the president of the United States or any of these American people; I just knew who my Prime Minister was and that was it. "</p>

<p>People who live in the rest of the world do know a lot about America, believe it or not. It comes from reading widely.</p>

<p>What about transferring from special education to regular class? It happened in fifth grade too.</p>

<p>I don't know if adcoms would be impressed with that. Which colleges are you applying to? That might be a first question to ask...</p>

<p>to elite colleges (duke, UPenn, Princeton ED, Harvard) and public universities like UVA and something else</p>

<p>Sorry for being negative - this essay will not work in my opinion. I would use a different topic altogether. Working hard is fine but it does not highlight your intellectual capabilities or spark.</p>

<p>what about learning English from a foreign language at late age?</p>

<p>But you said your English was fluent. Anyway, that sounds like a good topic, just make it interesting......sorry to be negative. But you have the whole summer to work on this..</p>

<p>Kudos for starting early. </p>

<p>If you can avoid the "I came from another country/culture to the U.S. but I eventually became assimilated" topic if you can...it's just one of the big cliche topics for college admissions (sorry to be rather harsh). I hate saying this, but I'm sure you've porbably heard of this: write your college essay on a topic that only YOU can write about. If you can somehow twist your essay to make it unique and individual through the writing style go for it (but in very rare cases have I seen the big clicihe topics done well)...make it as personal are you can, while maintaining a positive image of yourself. Learning English at a late age is another one of the cliche topics so that is not reccommended. </p>

<p>To help, I formulated one of my college essays around my nickname, and the anecdote behind that.</p>

<p>i agree. the beginning paragraph is cute, but then it quickly slides into a "pity me because i moved," which you might be able to get away with except that you moved from Canada, not somewhere like Korea or Ethiopia. Maybe you could use that anecdote but go in a completely different direction...?</p>