critique this essay get $10

no… i wont pay u, but i will be highly obliged if u do comment on my essay. this is a rough draft, critique away!

Describe a setback or ethical dilemma that you have faced. How did you resolve it? How did the outcome affect you? If something similar happened in the future, how would you react?

“Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for changes.” My dad read this Johann Wolfgang von Goethe quote to me as I was getting ready for my first day of school in America, trying to preach that I must adapt to what he called an alien environment. I couldn’t have cared less what Johann Wolfgang von Goethe had to say about changes in life, I thought I knew how to handle this situation perfectly well. My heart kept telling me: “School here couldn’t be that different from school in India; after all, it IS a ‘school’.” What added to my borderline arrogance about being fine was the fact that I was schooled in English for ten years prior to coming to US, and I thought it made up for the adaptation phase that most US immigrants go though.
And so, I went through the earlier stage of my US high school career with a subliminal disregard for the need to adapt to this completely new educational system. I was stuck in a phase many call “mental inertia” – unwillingness to change yourself for the better when change occurs. From my school days of India, my mind had formed a schema of how education should be and how things should be done, and this is the only schema that my mind accepted. My mind accepted that I must memorize the whole text-book to do well in school and that I must regurgitate prepared answers word-for-word to receive a good grade in tests. Multiple-choice questions and thinking on my feet during tests did not fit my schema of education. I had never “bubbled” anything, let alone for a test grade.
Obviously, it didn’t take me long to realize that I wasn’t quite right about the whole “after all, it IS a ‘school’” thing – as almost every aspect of education in US is different from India’s – but as my “mental inertia” was still running strong, memorizing was the way to go for me. And so I did… I memorized everything that my teachers gave me – handouts, notes, books – everything! Hypothetically, I was completely stressed out during that phase of my life. I was slipping from mental inertia to mental depression. Just as all looked lost, God took the initiative and smacked me on my face, as I received my first ever ‘C’ on my quarterly report-card. I got the message – my Indian style of studying was officially proven ineffective for the US educational system. My mind dumped the “mental inertia” that was haunting me for 6 months, and realized the need for adaptation. I reshaped my ten-year-old schema in 6 months. I started “learning” instead of “memorizing”, and with that adaptation, my report-cards figured the familiar ‘A’s again. I understood what Johann Wolfgang von Goethe wanted to say – I must evolve with evolution.
Even now, as I get ready to attend college, my naïve heart keeps telling me: “college couldn’t be that different from high school; after all, it IS still a ‘school’. It just has a prefix ‘undergraduate’ attached to it.” But I won’t let my heart pull another one of those on me. My dad, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, and my brain (which is now trained to resist “mental inertia”) – they know better on this issue of “change”. This time, I will be ready… ready and willing to adapt to the alien environment of college, as I have learned too much from this experience to be oblivious or resistant to change anymore.

what do u think about the overall content? does it answer the question? too boring? anything is appreciated!

<p>anyone??????? i need feedback. any feedback!</p>

<p>i think its great. just fix it up alittle, some grammatical errors and comma splices but its just fine. Where are you applying to?</p>

<p>I don't know you better having read this essay. It is too impersonal. (You say "boring.") I think the essay is your moment to shine and come across as a fleshed-out, real person. </p>

<p>The difficulty you had adjusting to the USA could be a small piece of a better essay that was warmer and more personal and really gave a flavor of you.</p>

<p>bump...................</p>

<p>email me.. <a href="mailto:ughstinkysocks@yahoo.com">ughstinkysocks@yahoo.com</a>... i critique better that way...</p>

<p>Is this modified version any better?</p>

<p>"Life belongs to the living, and he who lives must be prepared for changes." My dad read this Johann Wolfgang von Goethe quotation to me as I was getting ready for my first day of school in America, trying to preach that I must adapt to what he called an alien environment. I couldn’t have cared less what Johann Wolfgang von Goethe had to say about changes in life, I thought I knew how to handle this situation perfectly well. My heart kept telling me: “School here couldn’t be that different from school in India; after all, it IS a ‘school’.” What added to my borderline arrogance about being fine was the fact that I was schooled in English for ten years prior to coming to US, and I thought it made up for the adaptation period that most US immigrants go though.</p>

<p>And so, I went through the earlier stage of my US high school career with a subliminal disregard for the need to adapt to this completely new educational system. I was stuck in a phase many call “mental inertia” – unwillingness to change yourself for the better when change occurs. From my school days of India, my mind had formed a schema of how education should be and how things should be done, and this is the only plan that my mind accepted. My mind accepted that I must memorize the whole text-book to do well in school and that I must regurgitate prepared answers word-for-word to receive a good grade in tests. Multiple-choice questions, thinking on my feet during tests, critical analysis, and research projects did not fit my schema of education.</p>

<p>Obviously, it didn’t take me long to realize that I wasn’t quite right about the whole “after all, it IS a ‘school’” thing – as almost every aspect of education in US is different from India’s – but as my “mental inertia” was still running strong, memorization was the way to go for me. And so I did… I crammed everything that my teachers gave me – handouts, notes, books – everything! Needless to say, I was completely stressed out during that phase of my life. As my days started to get more and more tiresome, I started to realize that my Indian style of studying isn’t ineffective for the US educational system; and a couple of ‘C’s on my first report-card were enough to drive the message home. My mind dumped the “mental inertia” that was haunting me for six months, and realized the need for adaptation. I reshaped my ten-year-old schema in six months and I started learning instead of memorizing; I studied my handouts, notes, and books in more of an analytical manner. Soon, American education seemed more natural and my report-cards figured the familiar ‘A’s again. I understood what Johann Wolfgang von Goethe wanted to say – I must evolve with evolution.</p>

<p>Even now, as I get ready to attend college, my naïve heart keeps telling me: “college couldn’t be that different from high school; after all, it IS still a ‘school’. It just has a prefix ‘undergraduate’ attached to it.” But I won’t let my heart pull another one of those on me. My dad, Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, and my brain (which is now trained to resist “mental inertia”) – they know better on this issue of “change”. This time, I will be ready… ready and willing to adapt to the alien environment of college, as I have learned too much from this experience to be oblivious or resistant to change anymore.</p>

<p>Where are you applying? This is a pretty strong essay that talks about hardships and the difficult transition from one society to a different one. I think you're fine, just have a teacher or 2 read it over.</p>

<p>i really like this essay - i especially like how the quote ties it all together; the essay is very thoughtful and honest, and honesty will always win you points in the admissions game. :)</p>

<p>thanx guys, i can breathe easier now</p>

<p>okay... i lost interest after the first paragraph... its so dry.... you need detail... my suggestion would be to start with an anecdotal story in the beginning... for example, decribe yourself in that situation... i.e. "i look up at my father who eyes blah blah "... what was your emotional reaction when you first read it (changes?) ....instead of saying all this stuff, decribe it... for example instead of "i did a lot of cramming" try "i stared at the clock... come one just one more hour i told my brain".... your essay is very dry and boring (sorry about the harshness)... try writing as if it was a story... also, i feel as if the essay as a whole is just trying to get my sympathy... and im sure many ppl write about this topic... if you have time, try to focus on one situation in which you learned to adapt... is the night before a big math test... when you narrow down you focus, it makes it a lot better...but great essay and i love your quotes "mental inertia" </p>

<p>good luck</p>