<p>Help!!! My son is really, really struggling to make his final decision. I want to help, but obviously it's a decision HE really has to make. Here's my question:</p>
<p>Although he says he doesn't really have a "gut" feeling on where to go, I think he does.....he's just not acknowledging it. He's down to 3 schools. He really likes all of them and can imagine himself at any of them and can give me "pros" and "cons" for each. Two of the schools have varied "cons" (not necessarily deal-breakers, but things that keep them from being "perfect" - from student body size, to campus size, to core requirements, to social scene.) All things that might turn out to not be a problem at all when he gets there, or might make him really unhappy.......who knows!?!?! The 3rd school has only one "con" - it's an 8 hour drive from home and somewhat isolated. There's no other downside to this school. He definitely feels like he could fit in - but the location is sort of dragging him down.</p>
<p>My thought is that although it is a legitimate concern, if distance is the only real concern he has, and everything else is perfect about the school, do you think that warrants pointing out to him? I'm trying really hard not to give any opinions or really influence him, but I'm getting a little concerned about how he will finally make this decision.</p>
<p>(And before anyone thinks that he didn't do a very good job of choosing schools to apply to, let me say that it was quite a process, and I think that he's just the kind of kid that couldn't come up with one perfect school. Even the schools that he did NOT get into would have presented some "cons" when making the final decision. I think that there is a "perfect" fit out there for everyone, but sometimes you can't really see that until you're actually there.)</p>
<p>Hopefully this rambling post made sense and someone could share some good advice with me. Thanks!!!</p>
<p>If none of the schools have any major issues, then he should prioritize the issues that remain. What is the biggest issue to him? It may be that the “con” of being 8 hours away is more important than the possible “con” of the social scene at one of the other schools. </p>
<p>I think the decision comes down to where do you want to live, what do you want to study and how much do you want to spend/save? </p>
<p>Both my S and D wanted to be pretty far from home and D ended up 14 hours away. She regrets it a bit but she loves the school so she won’t change and the distance became less of an issue over time.</p>
<p>Is the isolated school near an airport, or Amtrak? We are considering 2 isolated schools for my junior. I have a few concerns, and need to clear them up before my son would attend either one. They are: How does he get to a medical specialist without a car, or to the airport in an emergency? If those situations are easily dealt with, I would have no problem with either school. Now, if your son requires city life, or needs to be able to easily find things off campus, that might fall in the “con” category as well. Perhaps he should write a pro and con sheet to help make up his mind.</p>
<p>Do a Clear Choice analysis (that’s what I do at work). List everything that’s important to him about a school on the left hand side (requirements), then give each school a ranking of 1-5 for each of those requirements, then give a weighting for each of those requirements, then see which one comes out ahead.</p>
<p>Requirements may be: Costs, Course requirements, majors, campus, distance, prestige, job prospect, graduate school admittance, Mom’s preference, Dad’s preference :), weather, social life, food, dorm, study abroad, gym requirement (swim test), transportation…</p>
<p>^^^ my son did something similar to this when chosing between 2 schools. The answer became very clear to him.</p>
<p>Another way to do it is to try to have him imagine that school B and C were suddenly taken away from him. He only has School A left. How does he feel? Relieved? Disappointed? Then try again with the School B, then School C. It might be too much to do this with 3 schools, but sometimes it works with only 2 choices.</p>
<p>Your son may be like me - a perfectionist. He may be scared that although he will make a good choice (sounds like he doesn’t have any bad choices, yay!), there might have been a choice that would have been <em>even better</em> and then he fears he’d be saying, “If only I had picked the other one!” It’s hard to relax and let yourself accept the “good enough” choice, since none of his choices is exactly perfect.</p>
<p>I bet your S will be able to make up his mind by May 1. Lots of perfectionists wait until the last minute because they know that choosing a college is a big decision, and they want to use all of the available time to think things through so that they will never second guess themselves by wondering if they gave the decision too little time. I was like this. Both of my sons were like this. We all made decisions that made us happy. </p>
<p>The parental help that seemed best for all of us was, “You’ve got wonderful options where you could get an excellent education. Whatever you decide will be fine. I trust you to make a good decision.” None of us appreciated parents’ help in compiling lists, etc. We displayed great angst about the decision not to attract help, but to show parents how seriously we were taking the decision.</p>
<p>Thanks to everyone for their advice so far…definitely going to do that Clear Choice analysis. Sounds so official!!!</p>
<p>Lafalum - he is definitely a perfectionist when it comes to something like this. I’m pretty sure he gets that from his Mom (that would be me!) Your post sounds like a very accurate description of his situation.</p>
<p>I think what I’m finding so hard (and he is too) is hearing from and about all of these kids who are so darn sure about what they want!!! I have to admit, it’s a little reassuring to hear from others who’ve gone through a similar situation.</p>
<p>We (my husband and I) both feel very strongly that all of his possibilities are GREAT and he can (and hopefully will) be happy at which ever he chooses…it’s just getting there that’s a bit of a struggle!!! Thanks again and if anyone else wants to offer up any advice…</p>
<p>“I think what I’m finding so hard (and he is too) is hearing from and about all of these kids who are so darn sure about what they want!!! I have to admit, it’s a little reassuring to hear from others who’ve gone through a similar situation.”</p>
<p>A lot of those kids who are making sure snap decisions now will be feeling angst in the summer and fall when they begin to wonder about the possibilities they passed up or when the reality of college hits their fantasy about college.</p>
<p>My kids also had a hard time hearing from classmates about “perfect matches,” dream schools," and finding “the one.” Neither one of my kids ever found a school they felt was just right for them. My oldest even did a pro and con list as described above, and her top three choices all came out equal. In the end, finances made the decision. Many years ago I had the same problem and ended up flipping a coin.</p>
<p>“My kids also had a hard time hearing from classmates about “perfect matches,” dream schools,” and finding “the one.”</p>
<p>The people who think they’ve found their “dream school” are living in la la land and are probably headed for a big disappointment. Dreams aren’t the same as reality. Just look at the divorce rates of people who looked across the room and found their soul mates.</p>
<p>oldfort, you are unusually lucky. I know one other person who had love at first sight, and had a longterm, happy marriage. Everyone else with that claim had a relationship that didn’t last because their fantasy didn’t coincide with the reality of the person whom they were with.</p>
<p>Today there are so many choices. My daughter (also a perfectionist for many things) never had the “this is the place” feeling and we visited a bunch of colleges and universities. She also got in to all of the schools she thought she might like to attend. In the end, the $50K bill over four years, versus $250K made the decision for her. She was a bit disappointed at having to choose for money, but I think she is warming up to the idea of graduating in four years with no loans and being able to travel in the summer rather than work.</p>
<p>Also, once the deposit is sent, the schools send all kinds of wonderful mailings that help make the student feel as though it was the right choice. Best wishes.</p>
<p>We just finished the decision process. This is our first kid to go through and it is hard. Lots of gut checking on why are you making these decisions. Distance was a factor for each of his school except our local University. For us it was looking at local resources (transportation, medical, social etc) and using that as one of the factors. He choose a school (Allegheny) five and a half hours a way, but we are confident in all factors and how he he feels about it. He would probably fit in many places, but he liked this one best. And it worked welll for us. Was it LOVE, who knows. After more than a year working on this process, I don’t think we were looking for love and I don’t know if he ever was.</p>
<p>My D thought she should have that “this is the one” feeling too. But as I told my D when we visited her first choice school and she didn’t feel totaly swept away, college isn’t Hogwarts-if you’re lucky, it’s a choice between a few good options. IMO, college is what you make it. I think the pressure of trying to find the “perfect” fit is crazy- a considered, thoughtful, best-guess is a more reasonable scenario. Our culture expects some magic connection with some many things- mates, careers, colleges- forgetting how lucky we are to even have choices. And what about the creative challenge of doing your best with what’s in front of you?</p>
<p>On the subject of distance- my D just chose a school that is 3,000 miles away. But with cell phones and videocams, we can stay in touch- plus the airport is nearby, and so are hospitals, etc.</p>