<p>I may be older than some of you,(53) I had friends, who had polio - not sure if they had been somewhere without immunizations.
My own parents didnt have polio, but they both were hospitalized during a massive meningitis outbreak in our city when they were children.</p>
<p>I think just as we have to love the kid on the couch, we have to appreciate the grandparents in the rocking chair.</p>
<p>My inlaws didn’t bug us about what schools our kids were applying to. On the contrary, they thought planning for college, was elitist & arrogant- that neither of them had gone to college ( & out of their three children, only one attended for a yr- not my H ) & it was a waste of money/time.</p>
<p>However being that it was a waste of time in their opinion, they never inquired about visits or applications or pushed their favorite schools- so I should be grateful for small favors! ;)</p>
<p>They got it at the same time (they were not married) from some water at a city park in Philadelphia. My father had a slight limp but could not requalify for West Point and has gotten worse as he has aged. My mother always needed walking assistance- first one cane, then two, then wheelchair. They are 85 now and mom is not ambulatory at all and my father uses a walker and a scooter. I was the first person in Key West to get a polio shot in 1955!</p>
<p>“Lost it with Dad” would be a great title for a book about my relationship with my dad. </p>
<p>Beyond the specifics of the question of college, there are just some parents who have a hard time believing that we, their adult children, know what we are talking about. My guess is that the reason this issue is soooo frustrating is that it is the most recent in a long line of dismissals of something you feel strongly about. </p>
<p>My new approach to my dad, and you are welcome to see how it works for you, is that I preface many of my remarks by saying, “I love you, dad, but this is driving me nuts, so I am going to ask that we not talk about xxxx.”</p>
<p>This is of course is met with some further attempt on his part to argue. Because that’s what my dad loves to do.</p>
<p>I reply again with the broken record technique - and tell him again that I love him, but I really don’t want to talk about it. </p>
<p>So far, it seems to be working. Frankly, I think I am driving HIM nuts. </p>
<p>Hmm, you may have a point, WnP2. One of my siblings died about 6 years ago, and I have to say that prior to that my dad NEVER recognized my abilities as a very effective business manager (what I do professionally). He is one of those guys who thought women should limit their career options to nurse, secretary, or teacher. I think that he was frankly amazed as he watched me handle the personal representative responsibilities for the very complex estate with a fairly high level of skill. But this feels like regression back to the old days.</p>
<p>I have thought of a new approach to this issue, though. My parents think D1 walks on water (seriously – more than D2, who they consider insanely bright, but a bit short on people skills). If anyone could get them to see the light, it would be D1. Maybe I will coach her with a few statistics, and it is possible they will bring it up in her presence. She is usually happy to do this (she is also able to get D2 to do MANY things that amaze me – she is very persuasive!).</p>
<p>^ Intparent…Are you sure your not underestimating your daughters desire or chances at attending one of the colleges you mentioned? Now I sound like your parents…sorry.</p>
<p>If d applies to these ivies and gets in, and can’t afford to go, is that going to bring on 4 more years of nagging? I know that they aren’t offering to pay but that has never stopped others from claiming that you could pay if you tried harder.</p>
<p>^^ and that alone is a good reason to take Momma J’s suggestion and tell the Gparents a “white lie” about any applications to HYPS. Anything else will just feed the fire and keep the one sided conversation going. OP, your DD needs to have some mental space from your parents incessant nagging about what colleges she should apply to. Lord knows, she will probably put enough pressure on her self in the next 2 years, as it is. IF in the end, SHE decides to apply in 18 months to a HYPS[ which is a long time from now ] AND is accepted AND is awarded enough FA so that she can afford to go without breaking her families piggy bank[ especially considering there will be another college bound daughter], then THAT is the time to mention it - not before…</p>
<p>Momma-three, regarding whether she really wants to attend a top ivy. Not to offend anyone out here, but D2 considers the top ivies to be too snobby. Eating clubs, private societies, and too much east coasty-ness for her taste. We are going to visit Stanford, but my guess is she will find it too large. Her college list is actually quite long – currently 18 colleges on it based on a careful study of Fiske, evaluation of her scores/grades/ECs, major preference, possible merit aid at some of them, etc. The only ivy on it is Brown (and we did discuss them all). We started visits this year with a good variety of sizes/types of colleges on her list, and she has quickly gravitated to the small, rural LACs. Obviously she won’t apply to 18, probably more like 8.</p>
<p>Menloparkmom, she is the 2nd (and last) kid. D1 will be graduated and out on her own at the end of next year, so I actually have a year of breathing room before starting another round of tuition. And my parents haven’t made a peep to HER – although I suppose that could change if they get frustrated enough with me.</p>
<p>M2CK - Not sure what will happen once she starts someplace. My parents had never heard of D1’s school (Dickinson), but now agree that it is the perfect place for D1 (the perfect child :), as they would say). Who knows, maybe they will make the same kind of shift for D2. Although I suppose then they will start nagging all over again regarding grad school admissions, as she is likely to major in a field requiring a graduate degree. Sigh.</p>
<p>^^ Really, I found with my parents that nothing worked. We tried educating them about cost and admission stats, tried telling them that Name Brand U was not a good fit for D in any case, tried explaining that the schools D was interested in are well-regarded in academic circles even if they’d never heard of them. Every response we gave them served only to give them permission to keep talking.</p>
<p>In retrospect, I wish I’d just told them, “D knows what she’s looking for in a school, she’s doing careful research, and I trust her judgement. We’ll let you know when she sends in her decision card.”</p>
<p>Just a note for perspective: my dad died 4 years before my son was born, and I’d give anything to have had ANY conversation with him about his grandson.</p>
<p>*If d applies to these ivies and gets in, and can’t afford to go, is that going to bring on 4 more years of nagging? I know that they aren’t offering to pay but that has never stopped others from claiming that you could pay if you tried harder. *</p>
<hr>
<p>*^^ and that alone is a good reason to take Momma J’s suggestion and tell the Gparents a “white lie” about any applications to HYPS. Anything else will just feed the fire and keep the one sided conversation going. *</p>
<p>It’s sad, but I have to agree…a couple of white lies seems the only way to shut them up.</p>
<p>1) Say, YES…D2 is applying to HYPS and really likes those schools!!! Keep your fingers crossed!!!</p>
<p>then…</p>
<p>2) Oh darn, D2 didn’t get accepted to those very desirable ivy schools. Oh well. She tried. She’ll have to make the best of it at…</p>
<p>These are great suggestions and BOY do I get it!! I had the same issue with my husband who’s not in his 80’s, but as a Harvard grad, didn’t understand why I rolled my eyes every time he suggested Harvard regarding our son. This started when he was in eighth grade and continued on until Junior year.Finally, he got it. I could talk about how its different now from when he went until I was blue in the face but until we sat down with our son’s college advisor it was a losing battle. (Not to mention that our son HATES the Northeast and LOVES HOT weather and had no interest in Cambridge or its environs whatsoever!) Its all good now but our daughter’s coming up as a rising Sophomore. To be continued…</p>
<p>Interesting topic of the grandparent pressure/intererest in the college search process for grandkids. I had to leave college for a while due to financial aid issues and I know my parents really stretched to help me finish at my original school (Duke). They were very young parents and were still low/middle income when I was in college and didn’t make much money until I was finished with grad school. </p>
<p>I was always appreciative of their efforts but never knew until my S was applying to college how they had felt bad about my time off/working 2 jobs through school/loan burden. When S applied to some very expensive schools I was worried we would be stretched and then my Dad says…“well we did set up 529 plans for each grandkid and it has grown quite a bit”…wow! I had had no idea!..large 529 built up over 15 years of steady contributions which means that even for one of the most expensive schools in the country we pay the same as instate tuition for our flagship state school…when it came to a choice and S had many, many options there was ZERO pressure from my father on which school to choose…this from a well-known scientist seeing his beloved grandson choose to study ART! He has only been supportive of the art route since S was quite small despite S showing some daunting skills in math and science. </p>
<p>Last visit, Grandpa mildly suggested to my D (rising junior HS) that she should apply to a college at Oxford (UK)–his alma mater–(even though his legacy status will count for a lot as a semi-famous grad) but I bet he will not mention the matter to her again unless she shows an interest. He would have loved to have me attend or one of the grandkids but he never shows it or puts any pressure on anyone. This compares with my and my cousins’ experience with my maternal grandfather who scorned all of the grandkids who never did physics–his field and, apparently, the only field of value–and when I earned a PhD in economics asked “why didn’t you do it in something useful?” (He had a point, I admit)…NEVER did he offer to help financially and could only criticize our choice of major/career. </p>
<p>I told my H that if there is one thing we can do for our kids it will be to start savings plans for our grandkids and keep our mouths SHUT when it comes to career and college choices. It has been the most generous gift of my life and I thank my parents every day when I see my son flourishing at his school of choice.</p>
<p>intparent: It sounds like you are very well prepared as your second daughter narrows down her college choices. Dealing with the grandparents is a totally separate issue and not one I can offer any advice on. However, I do encourage your daughter to take a second look at some of the top Ivies for several reasons. First, their aid awards are unbeatable. Even among the ivies, there are HUGE differences in awards. My eldest two got offers from numerous ivies and top lacs and the variances in non-loan aid were astonishing. Second, much of the perceptions about some of the top ivies are really, really false. My boys abhor snobbiness and such and found the vast majority of classmates extremely down to earth, middle class and absolutely “normal”. Even the kids who did come from money were not the type to let you know or rub it in your face. If you met them in a cafe, you would never guess their background. As for eating clubs, many kids opt out of those, many are no more than “sign in” cafeterias (with above average food) and for those who want the “club” experience, the bicker eating clubs are for them. Third, most kids who are at the top ivies aren’t superstars or national award winners. They are bright kids who have a thirst for knowledge and a passion to learn. Nothing more, nothing less.
Just my two cents, fwiw, from a mom who never thought she’d see her kids attend ivies for most of the reasons you’ve enumerated.
And good luck with the Grandparents! It is so hard being the meat in the sandwich :)</p>
<p>*Originally Posted by mom2collegekids
It’s sad, but I have to agree…a couple of white lies seems the only way to shut them up.</p>
<p>1) Say, YES…D2 is applying to HYPS and really likes those schools!!! Keep your fingers crossed!!!</p>
<p>then…</p>
<p>2) Oh darn, D2 didn’t get accepted to those very desirable ivy schools. Oh well. She tried. She’ll have to make the best of it at…</p>
<p>=========================</p>
<p>LasMa response:
Great idea! Set the D up for being an eternal disappointment to the GPs. Especially when Granddad’s Navy buddy has a grandson who WAS accepted. *</p>
<p>Oh please…if not getting into an ivy makes a child the “eternal disappointment” to the GPs, then those are GPs who are sick and abusive and should be kept at distance from children anyway. </p>
And my parents haven’t made a peep to HER – although I suppose that could change if they get frustrated enough with me.</p>