<p>We are pretty much screwed on financial aid at the ivies and private colleges unless it is true merit aid, due to ex-H’s refusal to cover any college expenses AND his recent remarriage.</p>
<p>Just FYI, I won’t lie to my parents about where she is applying. I will, however, stop mentioning the college search altogether – as much as I know it will be a constant topic within our house for the next two years, I will simply (as with several other topics :)) avoid it altogether when speaking to them.</p>
<p>The GPs don’t always move on. Some are overly invested in this issue, usually with the best of intentions. </p>
<p>My D is a rising junior at a wonderful LAC that’s a great fit for her, but which my father had never heard of. He is less excited about her actual college than about my nephew’s potential colleges, Georgetown and the like. He wishes that he could impress his friends with tales of his granddaughter’s educational achievement; that’s hard to do when the name of the college only elicits a puzzled look. He loves her and is proud of her, but he still wishes she’d gone to a top-tier school. </p>
<p>So do you think my father is “sick and abusive” and should be “kept at distance [sic]” from my D and her cousin? Your comment is offensive.</p>
<p>A very, very long time ago, when I was in grad school, my now late mother wanted to be included in knowing about some potential health issues I was possibly facing as a result of her having been given some medication when she was pregnant with me (fortunately I did not have any issues, but we did not know that at the time). Long story short, I told her that I was happy to let her share in knowing some of the things the healthcare providers were asking of me, but that I was not looking for any input or feedback , and if she was comfortable listening without commenting I was fine to include her, but that if she felt the need to comment that I would not be comfortable continuing to share any information, and this was her choice. She wanted to be in the loop, so she listened quietly. It worked very well. I understood that she was feeling guilty about any potential impact on my health , but she also understood that I was an adult and there were boundaries. It worked well. You might consider a similar approach- that you will be happy to share with them as your DD’s college search/application process progresses, but that if they choose to editorialize, that you will not continue to share info from this exciting time with them. Their choice.</p>
<p>Don’t assume that the Ivies and other top schools won’t understand divorce. You DO have to try to get the non-custodial parent to fill out the form. You do have to try to get him to contribute. But if he’s a stone and you can prove it, sometimes you’ll get an aid increase. </p>
<p>A friend’s kid went to MIT rather than Harvard because MIT waived his dad’s contribution; Harvard wouldn’t. Another friend’s daughter got a waiver of her dad’s contribution from Bard. UChicago treats divorces more than 3 years in the past differently than recent ones. </p>
<p>I don’t claim to have an exhaustive list of all the colleges that will make adjustments. These are just 3 I happen to know about.</p>
<p>My MIL does not have any formal schooling and her concept of going to college is rather unique. She just heard from many others that the school DD attending is very good. So, when DS was applying, she kept asking DD: go talk to your teachers that your brother like to go there too. We tried to let her it was not that simple but she just could not understand that. </p>
<p>At this time, I am really more into how are the kids doing at school than their school names. In most of the social functions, I will do my best to avoid talking about colleges. If someone keeps asking, I just smile and nod - kids are doing great in colleges. </p>
<p>Here is my learning, the name is just that, a name. Most of the colleges in US have the resources for anyone to get a great education. It is what you do to take advantage of what school could offer and develop yourself that set one apart.</p>
<p>*Oh please…if not getting into an ivy makes a child the “eternal disappointment” to the GPs, then those are GPs who are sick and abusive and should be kept at distance from children anyway. *</p>
<p>intparent, my Ds went to LAC that were FAFSA only. Divorced dad’s income was not considered. They may not be the tippy top ones, but they provided a fine college experience.</p>
<p>OP here again. We went to my hometown to visit this last week, and my mom pulled a sneak attack on the Stanford front… D1 and I went out to lunch with some friends. D2 declined to attend, as she does not like “hen parties” and wanted to study her SAT math prep. My dad had asked if he could take her on a couple of errands (like out to the local farm to buy fresh eggs & corn, etc.). No problem with that. But when we got back, it turned out that my mom had also taken her out. Over to one of her friend’s houses where their grandson is attending Stanford this fall. She “just wanted D2 to see the nice book about Stanford that Mrs. X has”. Riggghhhttt… I told my mom in no uncertain terms to butt out of the college search, unless she can come up with the quarter of a million dollars it will cost to send D2 to Stanford. Stunned her into silence (briefly). Sigh… But I don’t think she will be bringing it up to D2 again.</p>
<p>D1 told me that she has no intention of telling the grandparents when she starts applying to grad schools or law schools until the admissions process is all done based on what they are doing with D2.</p>
<p>They’re baaaaccckkkkk… the grandparents are in town to stay with us over Thanksgiving. Have had three lectures in the 9 waking hours since they have been here on the topic so far. A family friend told my parents D2 should be a “shoo-in” for MIT based on one of her summer experiences. Umm… not. And this guy really has no idea. Now my dad is on a kick that we just need to find some prominent alumni to put in a good word for her at these schools. Argh… On the bright side, he does say that she is competing with a bunch of cheaters for these spots (SAT scandal) – he is convinced that the Long Island arrests are just the tip of the iceburg (and maybe he is right).</p>
<p>So sorry you have to deal with this! I agree, that generation just doesn’t have a clue how competitive it is these days. “Mom / Dad … I have it under control. Thank you.”</p>
<p>Oh my, intparent. I am so sorry. Just keep their mouths full with yummy food (preferably foods that will make them sleepy) and you might make it through the weekend.</p>
<p>I haven’t read this whole thread, but what’s the harm in applying to Stanford? If, contrary to your expectation, your daughter got in, you could evaluate financial situation (and of course daughter’s preference, which could change) then. If not, you’ve satisfied your old parents anyway. Why argue with them? You’re only out a few bucks (and I guess an essay or two by your daughter). Then you can say, OK, we did Stanford, but that’s it.</p>
<p>intparent, I don’t know if anyone suggested this upthread, but one thing you could do is a copy/paste/print job on a couple of the “results” threads from the MIT and other lottery school forums. Maybe if they saw with their own eyes kid after kid with fabulous stats and accomplishments being rejected, they would get the picture. (Just make sure to edit out any of those inexplicable-at-first-glance admits with lower stats. )</p>
<p>My own father remarked to me at some point that he was “disappointed” that S was going to Dartmouth. To be fair, it was probably because he thought S should have gone to the U of C, to which he was also admitted, but sometimes it seems one just can’t win.</p>
<p>Why not print out a Stanford results thread from CC, and let them take a look at the profiles of kids who got rejected (and accepted)? That should splash a little cold water in their faces.</p>
<p>And explain: Stanford (MIT, etc.) is a great school. But it’s a crapshoot. She may decide to apply, but you don’t want her grandparents setting her up to feel like a failure if she doesn’t get in, because she’s not the shoo-in they imagine in today’s world, and non-admission to Stanford is not the same thing as failure. They should educate themselves about a greater range of colleges, so that they can appreciate wherever it is she ends up.</p>
<p>Not that they should be this pushy in any case, but one thought I had is that the grandparents may be confused if you are talking about applying to top 25 LACs with tuition similar to Stanford. Are they aware that your older D has a merit scholarship and how much of a role it played in her search?</p>
<p>Wow. No let-up after all these months. I went back and tracked that your thread began last July, got refreshed some months later, and now it’s Thanksgiving weekend. Your parents still don’t get it, do they?</p>
<p>I wonder if, in addition to approaching this rationally, you might go to the emotional underpinnings. “Each generation tries its best for their children – as you did, folks, for me. And now I need you to respect my parenting and guidance of my children in these years with such intense competition. Please back off on this topic. You are making problems for me and my children here, and I know you don’t mean to do that.”</p>
<p>Then pass Jym’s turkey au jus tryptoline (sp?), stuffed with JHS’s paper document of actual Stanford data!</p>
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