19 year old hasn't made the grade..

Parents Forum
1

<p>We were shocked when we received a letter about our son being on academic probation after his 1st semester at school. We went over what needed to be accomplished in the 2nd semester. And thought we were OK. But, we just found out he made less then a 2.0, the second time around, thus being asked to take leave of a year. And now what? </p>

<p>But, we don't know what to do in the interm. Kick him out on his own, the military (Yikes!) A work/internship, if anyone would take him? </p>

<p>He just doesn't have a passion, no goal, no desire. He just seems lost...</p>

2

<p>Set up a rent scheme and tell him he needs to get a job and give him all of his bills, including all insurance bills and no mas allowance.</p>

<p>Let him figure it out from there.</p>

<p>He may just not be college material yet, but I don’t think he has to be “kicked out” over that, unless that was the original deal.</p>

3

<p>First hugs to you. People aren’t alwas forthcoming with their stories, but you arent’ alone!</p>

<p>Let me re-tell this story: A neighbor left the entire college search process up to her son. He did a big fat nothing. It took until the summer after he graduated from HS for him to work up the courage to tell his parents he wants to be a hairdresser. They were shocked, but sent him to cosmetology school. So I guess the first thing is to see if he ever wanted to go to college. </p>

<p>Another neighbor’s son took a few classes at the community college but finally revealed that he wanted to learn to be an electrician.</p>

<p>Another kid we know is absolutely content to wait tables. His restaurant keeps tying to get him to sign up for the management training program but he doiesn’t want to manage. Just wait tables.</p>

<p>Many high schools and parents behave as if the only option for their child is a four year college and it can be hard to stray from that path. Try to figure out what your son wants to do.</p>

<p>(Of course, if he just wants to live in your house for free and play vidoe games, I suggest a job…hopefully involving French fries.)</p>

<p>[Hope you don’t mind my bluntness. I am also a mom of an 09 grad who is now on Plan B and trying to figure out Plan C.]</p>

4

<p>Is your son having learning, organizational or motivational issues?</p>

<p>My son did just well enough in his freshman year to return in fall but not very well at all. After many years of arguing with us about his lack of motivation, he asked to see a psychologist about ADD since his difficulties mirrored those of a college friend if friend did not take his ADD meds. After several meetings with a psychologist specializing in learning issues and a battery of tests, he is about to begin a trial on ADD meds this summer. The psychologist is hopeful that, if the meds resolve the ADD, the anxiety and depression DS developed during his freshman year will take care of themselves. </p>

<p>We are discussing various alternatives going forward, including taking a year off to recover self confidence and to get past old bad habits, or a move into a substance free or quiet dorm in fall.</p>

<p>Your note sounded so familiar. I would also describe my son as seeming “lost.” </p>

<p>Until DS returned home in an emotional stew, I never equated organization and procrastination with ADD.</p>

5

<p>My son is going thru some tests to see if the procrastination is part of depression, or a learning disability also talking with a professional.( Not me!) But the thing is,he scores so well on tests…just doesn’t care about the rest of it!</p>

<p>This was a shock for him. But, it is a learning experience. Just don’t know what to do next.</p>

6

<p>On threads like this I like to suggest two fantastic books by Mel Levine: Ready Or Not Here Life Comes and There is No Such Thing as a Lazy Child.</p>

<p>It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing: lots of testing with a qualified professional.</p>

<p>Sympathy to you, Michie. This too shall pass. The best we can do in situtations like this is be compassionate and loving towards our young adult children (sometimes easier said than done). This way we do not add to the problem, which must be devastating for the person in the middle of it. Even if it turns out that tough love is in order, the operative word is the “love” part as consequences are meted out.</p>

7

<p>If he decides he wants to get back onto the traditional earn-a-bachelor’s-degree track and is not enthused/motivated to go back to his old college, one way to do this is to start work on an associate’s degree from a community college that has an agreement with your state flagship.</p>

8

<p>Sending you a big hug…you are not alone. When my daughter came home last year from her college, she enrolled in a CC, and is finishing up at the end of this month. We were so sad to see that she needed to come home but things have a way of working out for the best. </p>

<p>I am sure you have already asked your son what attributed to this…partying, inability to manage time, trouble with course work…etc… I think many kids go away and they are really not ready for college. The ones who are not emotionally ready tend to view the whole experience as an experiment in social behavior and partying. I also think that some kids just start off poorly and don’t have the skills to set it straight. </p>

<p>When my daughter came home she saw a few doctors before she found one she wanted to work with and she began to see a wonderful therapist. She was diagnosed with depression and ADD. One year later she has made alot of progress but has decided that she will continue to commute to her new four year college. She has no desire to live on a campus anymore although she is looking forward to getting her own apartment.</p>

<p>You may want to ask your son if he really wants to be in college right now. If so, would he consider attending a CC if his college will allow it? If that is out of the question, than he needs to get a job this year (hopefully a really low paying job). Let him know that you expect him to pay for his car insurance, cell phone, clothes, and all other personal bills. Do not cave in and give him money for even a hair cut, because he will know that you will still be willing to support him. I don’t think a kid with a low paying job could be thrown out of the house but I could tell you from my own experience that I felt like doing that many times when my daughter first came home. She was very difficult to live with.</p>

<p>I would also suggest that he see a therapist to rule out depression and discuss the possibility of testing for learning disabilties or ADD/ADHD. You may also want to have an honest talk about alcohol or drug use this past year. I know you are so upset right now but it is not the end of the world. Your son is O.K, he just bombed out and disappointed himself and you. It happens to so many kids and he is not alone. Now is the time to regroup, and find out what is going on with him. This could have actually been the best thing right now…he will grow up and a year from now things will look very different. It is not easy when the little darlings look like they are blowing an opportunity but sometimes the best comes from these set backs.</p>

9

<p>I want to add kudos for telling your story. College failure is such a taboo in the U.S., yet the clear trend is toward longer graduation times and many failures, especially for young men. This trend is so clear that the Pew center, in January of this year, found that it’s now young women who hold degrees (and have higher earnings), which is a role-reversal from the 1950’s.</p>

<p>I rarely comment here, and I’m sure many of you won’t believe me (or feel like I’m here to solicit), but I actually run a college re-entry program based in Pittsburgh, with clients in Indianapolis, Chicago, Albany, and West Palm Beach right now. In other words, while all of America is focused on getting into college, I help get re-started and see graduation, and need is huge. What you’re describing about your children is what I deal with every day, so I’d like to add some constructive comments. </p>

<p>First, the initial reaction from many parents is “we must do something… military, force them to be responsible.” I’ve seen this perspective create resentment and divides between the family and child that never heal. In most college failures, something was missed, so go back to high school and try and understand how the normal trajectory went awry. Second, for those of you who have sought services (e.g., a psychologist), please make sure that you request accommodations and find the right school. Schools range from great to horrible on this issue. Third, don’t assume that a CC is a good play. CC’s can be awful for students that lack in initiative or clear goals, and I’ve worked with ones in different parts of the country. </p>

<p>In short, go back and re-evaluate your game plan, find what was missed, and work to correct it. This might even include things like career exploration or family therapy. It works, and I’ve had successful college re-starts, but the key is a comprehensive approach and support/work with the student while they’re in college. It’s not easy, or cheap, but it works.</p>

<p>Feel free to pm me with questions.</p>

10

<p>S1 - 4 years at state school, accomplished little but had a lot of fun, transferred to another state school on his own dime w/full time job and he just graduated with honors after a total of 7 years.</p>

<p>D1 - graduated from top 10 school in 4 years and is now in graduate school.</p>

<p>They find themselves at some point. We literally had both ends of the spectrum.</p>

11

<p>Try CC - less expensive. I went to CC, got job and employers paid for the rest all the way thru MBA degree. Nice!</p>

12

<p>“He just doesn’t have a passion, no goal, no desire. He just seems lost…”</p>

<p>Our son just graduated a few weeks ago. He doesn’t have a clue what he wants to do either, but he does have a college degree. When a therapist asked him how he graduated in 4 years, he didn’t have an answer. I know what he should have said. “My parents kept moving me along.” Now that he’s out in the “real world”, is he any better off? Yes and no. He needed those 4 years to grow up a little and now he realizes he finally has to start trying to get a job. But, did he need a college degree to learn that? not at all.</p>

<p>My son is just as lost as yours. Those four years didn’t produce a kid who is ready for life. But knowing that he is expected to work now has made a huge difference. My son nearly dropped out of college after his first year, and we had him transfer near us. Transferring was absolutely necessary for him to help him reach his goal: we were nearby and could help to keep him grounded and on track.</p>

<p>If nothing else, I suggest you consider a transfer to a small (no name LAC) school near you, if that’s possible. I know my son never would have made it without being nearby. Now, if only he’d figure out what he could do with himself. That’s the next step.</p>

13

<p>First, tell him you love him. Second, go for a walk with him (so you are side by side – this is a non dominant position) and ask him what he thinks went awry. Ask if he thinks there are any health issues. Next, in a very pragmatic way (no tears, no shouting) say that you are worried about money (no matter what your income, you can be “worried”) and that he needs to come up with what he wants to do next. Tell him you will work with him but only if he indicates he wants help. Then shut up, completely, for a couple of weeks. </p>

<p>Too many times parents leap in with rescue. They brandish want ads, other schools, therapists, personal connections and other “help.” If the action doesn’t originate with the young man, it is unlikely to succeed. It can be a version of trying to force a toddler to eat some veggies. You can wave the spoon around like crazy – or you can just put things away and wait until the kid indicates he is hungry. </p>

<p>After two weeks of quiet acceptance, then you can move in with some help. Part of the challenge may be in that he doesn’t KNOW what would make him happy. I would encourage him , at that point, to do something with his body – feed store, plant nursery, bricklayer assistant, roofing – something where his body is moving all day. </p>

<p>Somehow moving the body helps the brain start to go – there is a book on the “mind-body connection” that encourages movement to get school children to be able to focus.</p>

<p>If he’s been hiding in the dorm room while on the computer/gaming system, his body may be really, really starved for movement. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

14

<p>Some kids are just not ready to go off to a dorm and have to schedule their time, organize their day and juggle all of the things that need to be done to be a student at college. My suggestion is for him to move back home, find a job for a semester, saving enough money to pay for local college courses the next term, and then retaking those failed courses or the like, the second term. If he can master this living at home, it might be a better idea that he commute to college. He just might need more time to handle all of this. If he can do well enough second term to give it another try at his college, they take him back and if you are willing and able to pay for it, maybe he can do a redux. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it is clear during the year off that he is not at all motivated to take courses.</p>

15

<p>I like cptofthehouse’s suggestion. You know, not everyone has a direction right away. While figuring everything out, why not work and go to community college? Live at home, have a low pressure situation…then consider going back to his original school if he decides to. Alot of people drift around trying to find the right way to go, but he may as well be getting some credits and money while doing so. And at least will feel like he’s working towards something, even if he doesn’t know what it is.</p>

16

<p>I wouldn’t kick him out. Instead talk to him and try to see where the problem is. He doesn’t have to be done with college- he could still be eligible to go to a community college where he could get his GPA back up (just always make sure those credits transfer!). That’s if he wants to, of course.</p>

<p>Pushing him away does nothing to solve the problem and might only make the problem worse.</p>

17

<p>“Somehow moving the body helps the brain start to go – there is a book on the “mind-body connection” that encourages movement to get school children to be able to focus.”</p>

<p>To follow up on that… I find that I really have a lot of trouble studying where I live/sleep. Just never get anything done. I have to go to a library to ever get myself to do anything. Figured that might be related. </p>

<p>Unless it’s completely obvious that he doesn’t care at all and doesn’t want to do well in school, I would recommend commuting to a community college too. If he really doesn’t care, he probably won’t do anything at the community college either, so find something else.</p>

18

<p>The situation is in some ways dissimilar, but here goes . . . A family of our acquaintance has a son the same age as our daughter, both having just completed the first year of college, and when we run into each other we provide updates on our kids. The boy is very outdoorsy and athletic and initially expressed an interest in a career related to his outdoors activities. His parents dissuaded him (the projected salary is relatively low) and encouraged him to pursue another, more lucrative, field so that, in the future, he would be able to afford to pursue his interests as hobbies. At the end of his first semester, he was on academic probation. When I ran into his dad, he seemed philosophical about the situation. He felt that he and his wife had monitored too much of their son’s school work in high school and that the boy was now struggling with time management issues he should have mastered earlier in his academic career. When I recently ran into the parents I heard that their son had done much better academically second semester but had decided school wasn’t what he wanted to be doing right now. He is working a couple of jobs while living at home and wants to pursue his outdoors/athletic interests. His parents have backed off -the money is still there if and when he’s ready to return to school- but they 're letting him work out things for himself right now. While the boy I’m talking about has some well defined interests I realize the OP says that her son “just doesn’t have a passion, no goal, no desire.” Still, I wonder if he doesn’t need some space and time to figure out what he wants instead of people jumping in with their solutions, well intentioned though they are. And I do think that while he’s figuring things out he should be earning his keep.</p>

19

<p>“Many … parents behave as if the only option for their child is a four year college and it can be hard to stray from that path.”</p>

<p>Well, yeah. If there’s going to be a college degree, this is the most likely time for that to happen. It’s many times more difficult when one is supporting a family … especially if you’re traveling regularly on business! (Two courses a term for twenty terms … you do the math.)</p>

<p>Still, I agree with all the fine advice provided by prior posters. Hug your S and continue to support his development … whichever direction that needs to take. And be glad it’s this relatively minor problem … not addiction, incarceration, or serious health problem. Best of luck to you and your son!</p>

20

<p>farfellena, interesting, I’ve often believed that it’s a slippery slope to “channel” your kids toward a particular major. The odds of that backfiring are far too great. It’s one thing for a kid to fail by their own decisions and quite another to fail at something they didn’t have their heart into from the beginning. I’ve kept my lips zipped with that regard. Personally, I’d far rather have a kid graduate and land in a job with a starting salary in the twenties in something they enjoy then have them twenty years old parsing together a bunch of jobs trying to figure out how to make it all work. I wonder if your friends are kicking themselves these days. Often there are threads bemoaning the fact that we don’t do adequate career counseling for students but perhaps the energy should be spent doing career counseling for parents of students? The possibilities are endless for career paths for a student who is interested in the outdoors. You can have passions and start college without a defined goal…the goal comes as the eyes are opened to the possibilities. These stories make me sad.</p>