<p>If you could please review my essay for madisons first essay prompt which is...Consider something in your life you think goes unnoticed and write about why it's important to you! Heres my essay...let me know and thanks in advance for your critiques
When applying to colleges, my friends knew what to do. Apply to the schools their parents had attended, pay the tuition, and go on to succeed. That was exactly what I wanted to do, but the problem was, no one in my family had attended college or even graduated high school. I knew I wanted to go to college and I was determined to continue my education but in the process, I became a little lost. What goes unnoticed about me is that I am a first generation college student. I am currently attending the University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee but the journey to get there was hard and overwhelming.
In my high school, there werent many first generation college students. Most people I knew had older siblings or parents who helped them with their essays, the application process, and even the fees that came with applying. I had to explain to my parents what it all meant without me completely knowing what to do myself. I didnt know the importance of volunteering or of an ACT score because no one I knew had gone through it. And in every step of applying, there was a fee. There was even a little while when I debated on whether or not to attend college because of the financial burden it would put on my family. Although my parents tried to be apart and help out, it was difficult for them to understand what I was going through.
During the middle of my junior year of high school I started to look for help but was embarrassed to ask for it. Almost everyone around me knew what they were doing therefore, I did not want to stand out and let others know I was completely lost. I was lucky enough to find teachers that were willing to help and explain the process to me. They read my essays for scholarships, helped me study to retake my ACT for a higher score and my counselor even informed me of FAFSA, and showed me waivers that would cover the fees that came with applying to each college. I found programs that gave me the opportunity to go visit colleges that I wasnt able to see with my family and found universities I wanted to attend. I had finally was able to figure out what I wanted to do in the future and applied to four schools.
This is important to me because being a first generation college student in my family made me want to become the best I could be, not only to show my family that I can do it, but myself. Through the confusion and hard work, I was able to not only graduate high school but be accepted into UW-Milwaukee, UW-Oshkosh, and The University of Minnesota. I am now going to school in Milwaukee and have just finished my first semester of college with exceptional grades. It wasnt easy trying to figure this out on my own but the experience has made me grow as a person and has allowed me to see that with hard work, I can do anything I put my mind to and I will continue to do so if given the opportunity to attend the University of Wisconsin-Madison in the fall.</p>
<p>I think it is a good essay except for two things. First, at the end of the third paragraph you say your parents “tried to be apart and help out.” What does that mean? A part of the process or stay apart (away) from the process? Secondly, and more importantly, I don’t think you responded to the prompt. For instance, you teachers and counselor helped you with the application and and FAFSA process, knowing that you, as a first generation college student, didn’t have experienced help at home. So it’s not really “unnoticed.” Your essay is more of a “how I overcame the obstacles of being a first generation college student,” as opposed to describing something about you that goes unnoticed.</p>
<p>Thank you! I guess I was trying to say that although I had some help from teachers, I still got lost in the shuffle and other than the teachers who helped me, no one else knew that I’m a first generation college student…I need to find a new way to put that into my essay. Once again, thank you!</p>
<p>Does this sound a little better?</p>
<p>Something that I consider that goes unnoticed in my life is the struggle of being a first generation college student. When time came for applying for colleges, it seemed everyone knew what colleges to apply to and how they would go about applying. Most of my friends were applying to colleges their parents had attended or colleges where their tuition was already paid for or had older siblings that had already been down the college path, but none of these situations pertained to me. With my father barely making it to high school and my mother having just completed the eighth grade, neither of them were able to help me study for the ACT or decide on which college I should attend or help me fill out applications. Not having a role model that was in college was difficult; because not until around the time of the applications did I finally understand the importance of volunteering or ACT scores. Seeing as how college was not financially affordable, I was overwhelmed when thinking about how I was going to pay for college without having to burden my parents with paying for my education. Having to explain every detail to my parents was difficult because I didnt know myself how I was going to come around and complete everything. There was a part of me that debated on whether or not attending college was worth it, worth putting my parents in financial situations, stressing over applications, and choosing a college. But despite all the doubts I had about myself, my parents werent able to help me out with the application process they did encourage me to go to college, get a better education than they did so that I could succeed in life. I was on my own, but I had the determination of going to get a college degree and proving to my parents that all the things they sacrificed for me were worth it, and I wasnt going to give up.
Through the confusion of the applications, essays and letters of recommendation I was able to overcome my biggest fear being the first one in my family to apply to college. I was able to not only graduate from high school but to be accepted into UW-Milwaukee, UW-Oshkosh, and the University of Minnesota. Currently I am attending UW-Milwaukee and just finished my first semester of college with exceptional grades. The journey of being the first, wasnt easy but the experience has made me grow not only has a person, but as a student as well. I am proud of myself for being able to overcome this insurmountable challenge, and not only proving to my family and friends that I could do it, but most importantly to myself. It has allowed me to see that through hard work and determination I am able to not only be the first one to attend college, but the first to graduate from college as well.</p>
<p>One suggestion I have is that perhaps you can make an appointment with your high school guidance counselor to discuss the essay.</p>
<p>I’m not sure just changing the opening statement makes the essay a more appropriate one for the prompt. It still is an essay about overcoming the challenges faced by any first generation college student and such challenges are well known to students, parents, teachers, counselors and college admissions officers. I agree with Madison85. Take the essay to your guidance counselor for a review and advice.</p>
<p>Personally, I think writing about how overcoming the obstacles of being a first generation student is a great thing to write about for what goes unnoticed about you. Yes, maybe some of your high school teachers knew that you were a first generation student, but did all of your friends? Did the people you met in Milwuakee? Probably not. Maybe they did know that you were a first generation student, but they probably had no idea of the obstacles that you had to go through. I wrote about how the hardwork behind switching from playing the viola to the violin went unnoticed about me, especially since I had to work my way from the bottom and then went on to make All-State. And, hey, I got accepted. As for the specifics of your essay, I would try to get a teacher, councelor, or friend to read your essay and comment. Hope this helps!</p>
<p>I think what you write about does not really matter. It is your unique story, but you want to convey in a manner that engages the reader. As others have said, run it by the counselor or the English teacher for wordsmithing. If possible, avoid English issues and windy sentence structures. For example, consider the following friendly edits:</p>
<p>Through the confusion of the applications, essays and letters of recommendation I was able to overcome my biggest fear OF being the first one in my family to apply to college. I was able to not only graduate from high school but to be accepted into UW-Milwaukee, UW-Oshkosh, and the University of Minnesota. [Reword as: Not only did I graduate from high school, but I was also accepted at various colleges: UW-Milwaukee, UW-Oshkosh, and the University of Minnesota.] Currently (comma) I am attending UW-Milwaukee and just finished my (and finished the) first semester of college (of college is unnecessary) with exceptional grades. The journey of being the first, wasnt easy but the experience has made me grow not only has a person, but as a student as well. [The next sentence may have a ‘parallel structure’ error.] I am proud of myself for being able to overcome this insurmountable challenge, and not only proving to my family and friends that I could do it, but most importantly to myself.</p>