My daughter was up until Friday, a Sophomore at the University of Maryland as an out of state student. A little background, she received excellent financial packages from Temple, Drexel and Philadelphia University. She fell in love with Maryland and begged to attend. She did her 1st semester in London, 2nd semester in College Park, and last fall in College Park. Over Christmas break, she told us that since November she’s been seeking professional help for major depression. We talked about it and the plan was to go back and give it a try now that she was on medication and was aware of her problems. She lasted 2 days. I went down on Friday and we met with the 2 professionals that have been treating her. Afterwards she withdrew and I moved her out of her dorm.
Her plans now are to go to Community College to finish her GenEd courses and then transfer to Temple in the Fall. We are disappointed, mostly because we feel UMD is far superior to Temple, but we know we’re not going to school either. She is a city girl and I guess never got into the suburban feel of UMD and an actual campus.
She is by no way a flighty kid. Before this happened she had a 3.6. She was 3rd in her high school class. Obviously it fell with her issues last semester and she’s on a warpath to get it back up. She know what she wants and what she needs to do to get it. Our main issue is we just don’t like Temple. My wife and I are born and raised in the city of Philadelphia, and the whole city is a toilet. She’s looking to live off-campus and I work a few blocks from Temple, and believe me it’s a ghetto. We’d rather see her in New York or Boston. We’re afraid that she’s going to get to Temple and get comfortable and stay there. We don’t want to push her, but we truly feel this isn’t the place for her.
your kid ran into a major issue with depression and - thankfully - it sounds like both you and the school handled it well and came up with a good plan of action.
now she's starting community college with a plan to raise her stats.
IF that works, then she considers a transfer to Temple, yes?
But here’s the thing about #3…a lot happens before that happens…maybe at CC, she comes up with a different plan…or maybe someone mentions a new school to her. i guess what i’m saying is that i wouldn’t borrow trouble before it happens.
What I would do is research other schools…like the University of Pittsburgh…which has rolling admissions…and is in a very cool part of town.
Temple is a fine school, and if that’s where she wants to end up, I think you should support her in it. HOWEVER, right now, that shouldn’t even be on your mind. Right now, she needs to focus on dealing with her depression without any added stressors. She can keep Temple and UMD both on the table, and then see how she’s feeling further into the semester.
“We’re afraid that she’s going to get to Temple and get comfortable and stay there. We don’t want to push her, but we truly feel this isn’t the place for her.”
Wouldn’t this be wonderful - if, after being depressed, she were comfortable at her new school? Forget about you feel about the area for a moment, and think about how great it would be if she felt good again.
Take it from someone who’s been where you are: when dealing with mental health, one-step-at-a-time approach is best. Be there for your girl, support her as she goes through CC. Deal with your feelings about Temple when you get closer to it. Right now, just be glad she has help and a plan; she’s already ahead on the road to recovery.
My son took a different path from your daughter, but he is a transfer student at Temple now, and is very happy. The area is improving, and Philly is a great city for young people. It might not be ideal later, when trying to raise a family, but it is so much more affordable than Boston or New York that kids can actually enjoy themselves without large trust funds. Most CCs in PA have good transfer agreements with Pitt, also, if she performs well. Thousands of students get “comfortable” at Temple, and proceed with happy, productive lives - inside and outside of Philly.
First of all, be grateful that the depression was caught and is being treated. It does sound like your D and UMD handled things well. And coming home for a semester is a good plan. Her plan may change before the fall semester starts. But if being close to home will help her get through college then have her go to to Temple. And don’t keep telling her that UMD is better, – Temple is a fine school (I know a number of kids who had good experiences there) and if that is what will work best for her you are on board. She need support. And I’m from NYC but I do like Phila a lot (I went to college there and have been back many many times) and the area around Temple is improving.
^Agreeing with most of the above. She might change her mind while she finishes her general eds at CC, and even if she doesn’t, Temple is a great school and thousands of college students live in the Temple/UPenn general area (not to mention thousands of other people who have to live and work there every day and don’t consider it a “toilet.”)
Take it one step at a time, and let her deal with treating her depression and feeling better.
If you haven’t I would recommend talking to her about why she feels depressed and what she thought happened. In my opinion, depression is not just about finding the right medication and moving on - the issues matter.
It’s hard because most of us here are from the generation that depression wasn’t something that was “around” We were told to snap out of it, put on our big boy panties and deal with it. At least that was my view. We’re trying so hard to understand. Everyday we talk a little more with her. All we’re getting now is that she loved Maryland, but really missed the city. She seems happy to be home. I guess we’ll just take it day by day.
Take it day by day – and inform yourself about depression. There is so much literature out there to help you understand it and perhaps help your daughter as she learns to live/cope with it. Perhaps she will get through this period relatively unscathed, but for many people, depression/anxiety are a lifelong struggle.
Sometimes depression really is biochemical and is not about the issues, though the depression can cause some issues (versus the other way around).
The idea that a person can just snap out of it, however old-fashioned, is very destructive, as you obviously know. Depression is not a choice. And medication can often be really helpful, even life-saving…
Depression, as a medical, biochemical condition, has been around forever. It did exist when you were young but rather than treating it, people were throwing into insane asylums to be hidden from sight. Out of sight, out of mind.
Your daughter is getting the help she needs and is doing what is best for her life. She needs to go where she is comfortable and has support.
Your daughter’s mental (and physical) health is at stake. The perceived quality of the university (Temple is a terrific school) is wayyyyyy down the list right now.
UPDATE—
It’s been almost 4 months since I posted. The situation has gotten worse. She did register and attend Community College of Philadelphia, or so we thought. She started going to a therapist and doctor who changed her meds. She started working a couple jobs and seemed happy. She even leased a new car to get back and forth to school and to the jobs. She wrote to Maryland to see if she could get a retroactive withdrawal, so she wouldn’t be responsible for the $7,000 billed to her account for leaving school. In the letter she wrote that she attempted suicide and was severely depressed. We questioned her about what she wrote and she said it was true. She also came clean about CCP. She never took final exams. She hardly went to class. We asked where she went when she left the house to go to school. Her reply was “to the library”. We were shocked. She needs to get better. I know that is the most important thing right now. I don’t think that she is able to go back to school in the fall, but we currently have over 70k in student loans that start coming due if she’s not in school. There is no way to pay on them in our current financial situation. Does anyone know if I can defer government loans due to mental health? I thought that bankruptcy wasn’t an option, but I’ve been reading that if you can prove certain things you may be able to have them discharged. Two nights ago she came downstairs with a bag and said she was checking into a mental hospital. She did leave and go to the hospital where they evaluated her and released her with instruction on where to go and what steps to take next.
Post the loans question on the financial forum; there are people there who have had experience with hardship deferment. As to the most important question - your daughter’s mental health - she sounds like she desperately needs to be hospitalized. Rather than have her try to figure this out herself, in her state of mind, in your shoes I would get directly involved in finding her an emergency placement. You could start with your county mental health services, call and ask them how to get help for her.
So what were the next steps the hospital suggested?
In my experience, a regular hospital ER will only help you prevent a suicide. They are not equipped to really treat a mental crisis. Did she go to a regular hospital or a psychiatric facility? It sounds like you are in the philly area. I have a couple of different acquaintances who have had good experiences at the Horsham clinic.
If she goes to an ER, make sure you have called a good place and saved a bed. Otherwise the ER will send her to the place that has a bed first, and that can be disastrous. If she goes on an emergency basis, she can always transfer from wherever she is sent (and don’t rely on social workers, call around yourself) but the interim can be difficult.
A week or more in the right facility can do wonders.
$70K in loans for three semesters is tough. When she wrote to try to get the $7k based on depression, did she have an MD support her letter? Is the $7K for the short period of time she spent there after winter break?
It may be hard to see but things can work out, they really can. But the journey ahead is a different one than you had imagined- or your daughter- and it is hard to adjust at first. When the time comes to resume school, being close to home and at an affordable place will take the pressure off perhaps. Maybe a couple of classes at at time. Check into tuition refund insurance too.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please accompany your daughter to whatever facility the hospital recommended. Make it clear to her you support her: it’s very important she knows she can count on you, that you’re not judging her, and that right now all you’re focused on is her mental health.
"She also came clean about CCP. She never took final exams. She hardly went to class. We asked where she went when she left the house to go to school. Her reply was “to the library” – my son did the same after his breakdown. He tried to go to school, wasn’t ready, and was too ashamed to admit it to me and his dad. So these things happen. When dealing with a mental health crisis, it’s often two steps forward, one step back. Yes, it’s frustrating - but doubly more for your daughter. Hang in there - and make sure she gets help, and sticks with it.
She wrote to MD and I Fedex’ed the letter so I know it was sent. She basically said that she never went to class for that first week, and that she was seeking help through MD’s on campus mental health offices. The 7K is only 10% of what I owe them, but it’s a start. I can’t see how they wouldn’t discharge it, but who knows. At least there is a paper trail of her seeking help the previous semester. My wife are going to a workshop tomorrow to begin the process of what we’re doing. There’s no instruction book dealing with this.
Just wanted to reinforce what @katiamom and others are saying - dealing with mental illness is not a straightforward path, my son was another one that flunked out (a couple of times) after his initial depression diagnosis. It presented during the fall of his sophomore year. He was deans list his freshman year.
He ended going back a couple of times but didn’t last. He moved back home and enrolled locally and didn’t last there either. It’s tough because they are adults but they are sick and can’t advocate for themselves. He had trips to the emergency room, a partial hospitalization stint, and I now pay out of pocket for his care because the waits were too long to get him help through providers covered by my insurance. It turns out there was more than depression going on as well.
He is now doing very well in a full time job, has been promoted to management, and has tuition reimbursement benefits for when he goes back to school. At this point I am happy that he has been stable, happy, and productive. He is still living at home, but I think that is good for now so he can slowly reach out again toward what were his long term goals.
Hugs to you - it has taken us 3 years to get our son to what seems a healthy, stable place.