<p>As summer is rapidly progressing and my D seems less than excited to return to college, I am wondering how to counsel her. Here is the situtation. My D just finished her freshman year at an excellent midwest State University. We are on the West Coast, and the school was her "safety" and far from her first choice. She is a very bright child, finished first year with straight A's, and was just admitted to the prestigious and highly competitive undergraduate program she desperately wanted. She made some good friends last year and joined a sorority. Sounds good so far, but she was miserable most of the year. She called many times saying she was "sad" and didn't know why. A few times she called when she was "melting down" over a paper she was writing. I had hoped that this summer would be a time to address her psychological/emotional issues with medication changes and therapy but she has been less than willing, seeing her psychiatrist as little as possible to keep him prescribing her current meds (which may not be the "right" meds).</p>
<p>Like so many in her generation, she seems to have a hard time accepting/enduring things that she finds unpleasant. I keep telling her that no one is happy all the time but that now is the best time to get her education behind her. She says she feels that for the past few years she has done nothing but endure to get to the next phase. She has no idea what she would do if she did not return to school. She has not expressly said that she does not want to return; rather she says things like "I don't know if I will last there more than a few weeks if I go back." I keep hoping that things will get better. I think her new undergraduate program will help make the enormous university seem a bit smaller and that living in the sorority (albeit in terribly cramped quarters) will do the same. Perhaps those two things will help her feel more connected there so that the winter won't seem so bleak when it comes later in the year. I know that many people don't really connect with their colleges until after first year so I want her to give it the extra time.</p>
<p>I guess my question is: How long do I keep pushing her back to school and being her cheerleader? How many calls do I endure where she is sobbing, saying she is miserable and hates being at school? Having written this post, I realize that she may not have ever said "I want to come home," although I suspect she was waiting for me to give her the "out." </p>
<p>As any of you who have suffered a similar situation know, this is extremely painful and anxiety-provoking for her father and me. She is our only child.</p>
<p>I am very sorry you are going through this. Your daughter sounds like she is suffering from depression. I would see if she will give you permission to talk to her treating doc and discuss a possible change in meds. If she IS depressed, nothing is going to look very promising to her.<br>
My son was miserable for much of his freshman year, planned to transfer and then ultimately decided to stay at his current school and “make it work”. He did- and soph year was 100% better. I do think the sorority and the new academic program could make a big difference to your daughter. With the right meds and these new opportunities, if she is still unhappy at school (assuming she goes back), it truly might not be the right place for her. Perhaps a smaller school with a more gentle climate. I think we sometimes underestimate the effect of a long, cold winter on someone who isn’t really used to that type of climate.</p>
<p>A semester’s leave may be in order. When my daughter was having the same kinds of problems (although she acknowledged she was depressed) we thought the most important thing was to keep her in school. But that was not possible and she took a semester off, worked in a coffee shop and got her meds in order. Now she’s back at her original school. Perhaps you and your daughter should consider a leave.</p>
<p>As a person who has suffered from depression, and also has worked in the mental health field, I suggest that you also have her see a licensed psychologist or social worker. Psychiatrists prescribe medication, but don’t have the time to do the kind of therapy that often depressed people need as some research indicates that medication plus therapy is typically the best treatment for depression.</p>
<p>A psychiatrist may be able to see your D for 15 minutes, but usually that brief time will be used to focus more on the effects of the medication including whether there are side effects. A social worker or psychologist will see your D for 50 minutes, which will allow time to explore various social and other issues that could be affecting your D.</p>
<p>It’s possible to see a psychologist or social worker while also seeing a psychiatrist for medication.</p>
<p>Based on what you’ve posted, it’s not possible to tell whether your D is so negative about the college because she’s depressed or if she is depressed because she so dislikes the college she’s attending. It may be that it would be best for her to take a year off and work or volunteer while continuing in therapy and with medication so she has the time to decide what to do about college. It may be that transfer would be best for her, but until her depression resolves, she won’t be able to make a thoughtful decision about whether this would be the best thing for her to do.</p>
<p>Taking a year off can be something that is very useful to many students. My younger son took a year off after h.s. and did volunteer work while living at home. This helped him learn more about himself and what he wanted in the college experience. When he went to college, he did very well, and was very happy. He had applied to college during his gap year, and the college that he chose was very different from what colleges he may have chosen if he had gone straight to college after high school.</p>
<p>I’ve also been a college prof, and have seen students who flourished after taking a year off from school. This included students who transferred after taking a year off.</p>
<p>Do you think the climate change had anything to do with it? Midwest winters can be long and brutal for those not used to it.</p>
<p>What are her “dislikes”? Can they be addressed? Is she just totally stressed by the work - and maybe, even more stressed at the demands that the new program she was accepted to will bring?</p>
<p>If she doesn’t go back, what does she see as her plans for fall???</p>
<p>You should be her cheerleader forever, but I wouldn’t advise pushing her to go back. My SD went to school first semester, came home and said she didn’t want to go back. She was convinced to go back, went back 2nd semester, came home and said she didn’t want to go back. She was convinced to go back, went to visit a friend mid-semester and refused to come home. Ended up dropping out mid-semester, lost all her credits, etc. She finally transferred to another college. She will have taken six years to get her BA, we lost a ton of money when she left mid-semester, and she was telling us all along that she wasn’t in the right place. </p>
<p>Obviously that’s a bit of an extreme, and you know your child better than anyone else, so really you’re the only one who can tell if she needs prodding or help.</p>
<p>My S also had a miserable his freshman year of college. He went to a school that is 11 hours north of where we live and has a lot more snow. I think that the climate got to him. College students tend to sleep all day and stay up all night and I really feel that SAD got to him. Sophmore year went much better. He scheduled phy ed classes first thing in the morning, it got him up and moving and exercise is so important. Kids are involved in sports in HS and then don’t work out like they should when they get to college. I think that it makes a big difference to get regular exercise.</p>
<p>I think that the advise that others have suggested are very valid.</p>
<p>You are so right about exercise. My D was a high school varisty athlete and did almost nothing physical last year (other than a month of intramural sports). She is back exercising this summer and I think she feels somewhat better for it. Also, there is no question but that the climate was a big part of the problem.</p>
<p>I think there’s good advice on the board about therapy. However, you don’t say whether she’s been depressed before, or whether the sadness arose only during her freshman year. There’s enough information in your original post to suggest that this university just isn’t a particularly pleasant place for your daughter. After reading your original post, these are my impressions:</p>
<p>This university was “far from her first choice” – possibly she never quite adjusted to the disappointment of failing to gain admission to any school she really wanted to attend. Did her high-school friends get into the schools they wanted? If so, the Facebook world students now inhabit could make this situation even worse. She’s been miserable most of the year. Her university is “enormous” and probably impersonal; she’s joined a sorority, but she’s living there in “terribly cramped quarters.” Ugh. I would be miserable too.</p>
<p>Are you from California? Maybe I’m off base, but I’m a Californian, where we have glorious weather nearly year-round. I’d be depressed too if I’d been turned down from every school I really wanted and had to ship out to the midwest to enroll in an enormous state university and live in cramped quarters. What’s impressive is that your daughter has managed to attain straight As this past academic year.</p>
<p>Let’s assume for the moment that these are all very valid reasons to be depressed. If so, medication won’t address the root cause of the sadness; nor will returning to the hinterland (apologies to all midwesterners reading this post). I’d like to suggest another option for your daughter.</p>
<p>California and other westcoast states have great community colleges. Your daughter could request a gap year from her university to save the spot, and enroll in a local community college. At the end of that year, she could apply to transfer into a University of California campus, any one of which is located in a beautiful place to live.</p>
<p>Chin up, the freshman year is always the most difficult, academically as well as socially. Don’t ever stop being her cheerleader, and remember to always point out the good side of things that she is experiencing. Also, make sure that she has fun this summer, because earning straight A’s at an excellent university is very difficult to do, and she might have spent the past year in a chronic state of exhaustion from studying so hard.</p>
<p>If she has straight As, there is little risk if she wants to take some time off. (I guess financial aid issues could make this potentially troublesome, depending on the situation, though.) She can re-enroll in the same school, if she chooses, after a break, or she could transfer somewhere else. Anyway, lots of people are miserable at one college, end up much happier somewhere else, especially after time to regroup.</p>
<p>OTH, depression issues aside, any kid, even at a great school, can have a miserable first year. My DD is at Berkeley, her HS experience was amazing, at Cal she had few old friends, a horrid roommate experience, an okay sports team experience, was far from family and was far from BF. She called A LOT, she was NOT happy.</p>
<p>It was her choice to stick it out, because it is a really good school, because she had scholarship awards, because BFs school would been more expensive with OOS fees and not have nearly the reputation, because it felt “right” in her gut.</p>
<p>She rushed a sorority in spring and that really helped to make friends, it was really a saving grace to allow her to make friends at a large school as she had sports stuff 6 days a weak and for certain reasons was not making a ton of friends on the team, nice girls, just not future BFFs. She still is not in love with her Cal experience, but I could write many Christmas letters about all the great things that she has experienced there, all in all it’s good, though she had more fun in HS So, even a kid who sounds like things are great may not be having the fun they expected. Depressed or not.</p>
<p>Will her school allow a medical W for a term? Though I would be concerned about any notes on her transcript or record, I would not want depression documented as part of her university record, as it is not the business of any one to whom her transcript would be sent. Would the missing term be simply blank or would it state medical W, requiring an explanation later?</p>
<p>I have a good story but I can’t share too many details because they would violate the student’s privacy. A friend’s daughter had a similar experience to your daughter’s. She went to a well-known, private university and was admitted to a very selective program there that was right up her alley. But she became very depressed in her freshman year. It was probably triggered by a combination of personal woes (boyfriend troubles) and not liking the overall campus culture. She came home for a short time (either a month or a quarter), and parents were fine with her doing a couple of years at community college followed by a transfer to a public university.</p>
<p>But she decided to go back to her university and give it another try. She ended up staying and becoming very successful and happy. The major/program was perfect for her, and she focused on that rather than the things she didn’t like about campus life. She got internships every summer and became very well-networked in her field. She got professional opportunities and high visibility as an undergraduate. She ended up having such a fine time with her classes that the time flew by and she graduated a semester early. After that first miserable year, everything went well.</p>
<p>I think this is one of those situations where you have to play it by ear. Encourage her to go into her sophomore year with a good attitude and play up the new positive changes (the new undergrad opportunity, plus a sorority house will provide both the structure and the never-ending social possibilities, plus role-modeling from older girls that might make a big difference). Encourage her to play on an intramural team or take a PE class. Offer to pay for a gym membership if that’s better for her. Definitely a former varsity athlete needs structure, teammates and just to really move to get those endorphins back. </p>
<p>Meanwhile, in the back of your mind, prepare yourself emotionally for the phone calls and for the possibility of her needing to come home at some point in the year, either for a break or because she needs to start over at a different college. </p>
<p>My gut doesn’t see this as depression, not with the straight-As her freshman year. A truly depressed kid would probably not go to every class and the grades would suffer. More likely, this seems like adjustment issues that might work themselves out with the new changes. Have hope!</p>
<p>Edit to note: as for those cramped sorority rooms, my sophomore year, I was in a quad with three other girls… the room was meant for two people, but they had squeezed two bunk beds into it. It was definitely super cramped, but the experience was a lot of fun overall and I learned a lot about adapting and enduring (having been spoiled with my own bedroom all through high school).</p>
<p>Also, given that she did not want that school, maybe the time off to consider options is a good one. My other DD ended up at a safety and never meshed with it.</p>
<p>When my DD made her own choice to return to Cal, she and I had a dozen conversations about all the pros and cons of various decisions she might make and she decided to stick it out, but I did help her look at all the points and the secondary consequences of those actions. So, do help her evaluate her options.</p>
<p>I would also be her cheerleader in pointing out how much strength of character it took to triumph in a place she never wanted to go, hated whilst she was there, cried about, yet still pulled out a 4.0 leaving all her future options eminently open. Imagine how many kids in that spot pull Bs & Cs in the freshman confusion combined with frustration, esp in college where “every one” tells them you don’t even have to go to class. Those kids limit their options! Your D did not, build her up on that series of choices!</p>
<p>heartbroken–try not to be! You have your wonderful daughter home and safe with you, and although she is going through some difficult times and what appears to be serious depression, she is ok.<br>
Some students in her position engage in self-harming behavior and even have suicidal thoughts when they are miserable and can see no way out. I don’t want to alarm you or dismiss your school concerns, but just want to remind you that there are real things to be heartbroken about, and not having your daughter go back to school next year probably isn’t one of them.
I would listen to Northstarmom’s advice here. Suggest to your D that she absolutely take next year off. It doesnt matter that she doesn’t know what she wants to do. The time will help her figure it out. I’d probably suggest that she get a job, and I’ll bet that she would really enjoy it. Working full time and making one’s own money is a real esteem booster, especially for kids who haven’t “had” to work before. Let her stay home, work, find a good therapist, and heal. She has her whole life ahead of her, and there’s no rush to finish college. Encourage her to take this time, now. She will thank you later.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I cross posted with this poster, and want to respectfully disagree. It is very possible to get straight As and be clinically depressed, even suicidal. I’ve seen it first hand.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>These comments say a lot. Don’t ignore this.</p>
<p>“there is no question but that the climate was a big part of the problem.”</p>
<p>My two D’s weren’t home two weeks before they started longing to return to their respective colleges – not enough action at home. Sigh. So I’m going to suggest that whether this is a clinical or environmental issue, your D’s reluctance to return to her college friends is indeed an issue worthy of investigation. Good luck to you, and I’m sure that with effort things will turn out fine.</p>
<p>A lot of thoughtful responses here.
I really liked the one where the student was given the freedom to go to a CC if that was what she wanted to do.</p>
<p>When you give a child that kind of freedom to decide whether to return, they suddenly start to consider all the angles, because they are the only one deciding. There is no cheering on to stay put, which is just distracting to them. Suddenly, she has all the power, which is scary, as she has to make the decision alone.</p>
<p>If she hears this message now, she can think about it for at least a month.</p>
<p>Alternately, you can cheer her on to return this fall, reminding her of the new variables, and tell her that if she is still miserable by Christmas, she can come home and enroll in the local community college. I would even take her over to the local community college to see it, just so she knows you MEAN it, she gets to choose. (usually those community colleges are not that attractive, etc.) And don’t give her advice once she is passed the baton and has to make the choice. </p>
<p>A girl who got a 4.0 while miserable is a girl with some horse-sense, I think. If she knows she gets to make the choice (and you are just holding your breath, not speaking, because we all know YOUR choice–it would be mine, too!), I think she will decide to return or else stay put after the first semester.</p>
<p>My experiences have been with boys, (my own and those of friends) all of whom allowed previously high grades to fall into the disaster zone when chemically depressed… also, as a teacher I’ve never known depressed students to do what it takes to be at the top of the class and earn the grades, but maybe they hide it really well. Depression manifests in different ways so please don’t rule it out from one person’s experiences. I was just trying to look on the bright side. :)</p>
So, even a kid who sounds like things are great may not be having the fun they expected. Depressed or not.</p>