Mark my Essay SAT - What mark would you give it, any improvements etc.

Someone mark this essay pls;

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

Some people believe that there is only one foolproof plan, perfect solution, or correct interpretation. But nothing is ever that simple. For better or worse, for every so-called final answer there is another way of seeing things. There is always a “however”.

Assignment:
Is there always another explanation or another point of view? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience or observations.

When we find the quickest solution to a problem, we can impetuously that say that it is the most augmented way in doing so; since if it is practically feasible then there is no need to embark on alternative approaches. However I categorize myself along with those “people” who dissuade against such impulsive judgements since if we can pursue alternative solutions which surpass those of what we have uncovered initially, then it can only add as a catalyst to propel ourselves and make constructive resolutions.

Some people could argue that having that element of doubt - that “however” is detrimental to the short term solutions at hand since it brings about indecisiveness and uncertainty in everything that we participate in. Whilst hearing these initial temporary benefits of the opposition I feel assured in my reasoning that it is alternative solutions that we must seek – in fears of being left behind and regressing to medieval perspectives.

Take the inception of Facebook as an example to clarify my rationale. Mark Zuckerberg’s invention was only successful because of the underlying reason that he made Facebook unique to its fellow competitors. It was “exclusive” initially to the select few at Ivy League Universities and hence dissimilar to the demographics of other rival social networks at the time, such as that of Myspace and the now defunct Friendster.

From my further reading I came across the widely publicized case of that of former CIA officer, Aldrich Ames. Citing Ames, he claimed that he became a double agent for the KGB since it was the only means to which he felt would provide him with short term financial stability – in tandem to living a lavish lifestyle that he so craved for. However his acts of espionage induced him to be incarcerated in a maximum security prison facility. Had he carefully considered other avenues of financial merit, such as that of ‘investing in fluctuating stock markets’, or in ‘housing estates’ where growth was prevalent and lucrative he would have undoubtedly been sanguine with his autonomous prospects.

These explanations that I have provided resonate with the financial crisis in 2008, which compelled investors to seek diverse fiscal attitudes on an international scale. The initial over-indulgence in expenditure coupled with the stagnation of economic growth foolishly prompted crippling consequences in global economies. Subsequently individuals are now more financially savvy with their personal investments and more meticulous in their evaluation of stock prices and market fluctuations. Since there is nothing simple with stocks markets crashing nor with other such events - it is essential that consumers cognitively analyse situations exhaustively to avert these initial solutions for what they really are ceteris paribus.

Thanks :smiley:

should I bump?

$$ dont be mean in marking, please be fair and imparial and not PARTISAN $$###

I give it a 10-11 more likely to be graded a 10 by SAT graders…

@j6ma9l

where can I improve bro? :slight_smile:

“Craved for” is a pleonasm… (rephrase"However his acts of espionage induced him to be incarcerated in a maximum security prison facility. Had he carefully considered other avenues of financial merit, such as that of ‘investing in fluctuating stock markets’, or in ‘housing estates’ where growth was prevalent and lucrative he would have undoubtedly been sanguine with his autonomous prospects.
rephrase ) his acts of dastardly espionage incurred a hefty prison sentence…(rephrase) Had he indulged more frugal investing strategies poised to earn surefire returns rather than staking his future on unpatriotic subterfuge, his luck likely would have endured…(rephrase) Because harbingers of financial disarray are subtle and rarely heralded before the afterclap of aleatory downturns, it is a provident strategy to exhaustively parse leading indicators and comprehensively hedge against calamitous misfortunes.

I earned an 800 on the SAT Writing (99.5%ile) 36 on ACT English(99.7%ile) and 6.0/6.0 on GRE Analytical Writing (99th)…Those are my two cents

@j6ma9l wow you write really nicely.

So if I had adhered to a similar writing style of yours in that paragraph, I would have possibly got 12?

most likely either an 11 or a 12…Depending on how cantankerous the grader is feeling that day…lol
Organization also matters…not just phraseology

@j6ma9l
Thanks for the help.

No problem…feel free to shoot me a message if you have another essay you want evaluated…If I have time I might take a look.

@j6ma9l Thank you for all your assistance bro.

Just one thing, people on facebook said this has bad punctuation, but I am not sure of where I lacked on this perhaps the hypens, how do I improve on this?

Thanks.

“Ivy(-)League”…“Since there is nothing simple (about)…other such events( comma) it is essential.”… “for what they really are (comma) ceteris paribus”…some minor mistakes in punctuation

In addition, relatively prominent studies conducted by venerable research institutions show an extremely robust correlation between essay length and essay score…remember that

hope that helps!

IMHO, this is far from a 12. There are several problems, the most obvious being poor word choice, i.e. trying to use “SAT” words but using them poorly. The following word choices were suspect in the first paragraph:

impetuously
augmented
categorize
“people” (why the quotes?)
dissuade
add

^very much agree with this post. It just becomes a mouthful and much too awkward.