May someone grade my SAT essay? Please!

Test Preparation SAT Preparation
1

<p>Hi, I was wondering what my overall SAT score for this essay would be. My teacher says that my examples are inadequate so it makes the essay bad. I don't have enough examples so can someone please help me come up with examples to answer this prompt? If there are parts that should be written differently, it would be appreciated if one could rewrite that part so I understand clearly! Also, heavy criticism is fine too! Anything to improve. Thanks! *I know the conclusion is short, I had no time left :(</p>

<p>Prompt: Can a group of people function effectively without someone being in charge? </p>

<p>"A pack of wolves cannot function with the alpha" quoted by Thomas Edison. Every group needs stability and leadership; without these properties, the formation would collapse. Ghandi was a prominent leader during the salt march. There were also other evil and powerful leaders that lurked in the world;Hitler was an example. An organization functions poorly without the stability and order an authority provides.</p>

<p>India was considered an imperialist country at the time; it was controlled by British power. However, citizens of India could not accept this rule from an outside country. Violent riots broke out and blood shed until Ghandi stepped into the chaotic situation. He represented the peace and nationalism of India. With his help, the country was able to stand back on its feet; they were once again able to fight the British through nonviolence. </p>

<p>Like the inspiring figure of the fight for Indian independence, Hitler was also another powerful leader. Germany, at the time, was under financial turmoil; they needed guidance to keep the country standing. Hitler recommended to the country that a "purer" society would be the remedy for their crisis. In fact, his method later shaped Germany into a world power. Germany, under Hitler's rule was siezing many outside countryies. The citizens would have never known that their penury country morphed into a efficacious nation. </p>

<p>Therefore, a group of people could never function effectively without someone being in charge.</p>

2

<p>I would give this a 9 to 10 out of 12. </p>

<p>I assume your goal is a 12 out of 12 on the real SAT. The SAT rubric from collegeboard ([SAT</a> Essay Scoring - How SAT Essays Are Scored](<a href=“The SAT – SAT Suite | College Board”>Understanding SAT Scores – SAT Suite | College Board)) for a 6 out of 6 is as follows: </p>

<p>(
An essay in this category demonstrates clear and consistent mastery, although it may have a few minor errors. A typical essay:</p>

<p>Effectively and insightfully develops a point of view on the issue and demonstrates outstanding critical thinking, using clearly appropriate examples, reasons and other evidence to support its position</p>

<p>Is well organized and clearly focused, demonstrating clear coherence and smooth progression of ideas</p>

<p>Exhibits skillful use of language, using a varied, accurate and apt vocabulary</p>

<p>Demonstrates meaningful variety in sentence structure</p>

<p>Is free of most errors in grammar, usage and mechanics
)</p>

<p>With that in mind, let’s look at your intro paragraph. Great first sentence. However, your last sentence essentially repeats your 2nd sentence. </p>

<p>“Every group needs stability and leadership; without these properties, the formation would collapse.”</p>

<p>“An organization functions poorly without the stability and order an authority provides.”</p>

<p>Also, your two examples of Hitler and Ghandi are trite. Most students use all-too-known examples, such as Martin Luther King, Hitler, Ghandi, Ab Lincoln, and George Washington. Essay readers have to read hundreds of SAT essays and – I can imagine – are bored out of their minds to read yet another essay about Hitler. To ensure a higher score use more varied and not as well known examples. Specifically for this, you could use Bacon’s rebellion in the early 1700’s, the character Casy in The grapes of wrath who organizes a movement but dies in the process and leaves the movement in shambles, and Steve Jobs as the CEO of Apple. </p>

<p>Onto your body paragraphs, your examples are a little vague. The 6 rubric asks for “clearly appropriate examples.” In your Ghandi example, there should be more emphasis on that before ghandi stepped in their was ineffectual leadership and chaotic demonstrations but that Ghandi proved his leadership by organizing the protestors into a peaceful and ultimately much more efficacious movement for Indian Independence. Same is true for the hitler example. I would suggest training yourself to be able to write three examples in the 25 minutes as it makes your essay feel more powerful in the way of persuasion about your POV. </p>

<p>Your conclusion is short. I suggest writing a sentence or two after your restatement of the thesis that looks at the implications of your POV on the world or the future or both. (Ex. This truth demonstrates the importance of effective leadership in a world that is becoming increasingly more homogenized. For the world to better itself now and in the future, people must stand up and lead.) </p>

<p>Overall, In the rubric, you’ll see that a 6 essay must “Effectively and insightfully develop a point of view”, but your essay could be a little more insightful with more reasoning. For this you could say something like this: leaders are necessary because they create a single goal that is shared by the followers, while a group of people without a leader could possibly have a myriad of different, conflicting goals that sabotage the group’s ability to achieve any one of them. A sentence like this shows more insight. </p>

<p>Look at this post for more essay advice: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/sat-preparation/645763-how-write-12-essay-just-10-days.html&lt;/a&gt;
(be sure to look at the universal template and how to create a list of reusable examples)</p>

<p>I hope this helped. Good luck on your SAT goals!</p>

3

<p>Thank you so much! I really needed your advice. I should probably read Grapes of Wrath because I heard it has a lot of themes one could use on the essay. However my sat is in a couple days so I’ll just try to use the examples I have now. Thank you so much!</p>

4

<p>Please grade my friend’s essay. He asked me to do it for him but… I am unable to decide. </p>

<p>Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below. </p>

<p>Most people think that contentment—being happy with the way things are—is the perfect state of affairs. After all, what could be better than being so satisfied with how things are that you don’t want anything else? But contentment has disadvantages: if we are content with the way things are, we are not motivated to change things, to improve ourselves, or to do better. We must therefore always choose between being content and pushing ourselves to do better. </p>

<p>Assignment: Does being content with the way things are prevent people from improving themselves and doing better? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations. </p>

<p>I believe that being content with the way things are prevent people from improving themselves and doing better. Contentment no motivation leads to an individual being satisfied with his present condition and will never try to change things. </p>

<p>If doctors and researchers would have been content with what they had a decade ago we would never have improved in the field of medical science. Similar would have been the case with technology. Motivation is the key to bring about a change in present condition but is lost if an individual is content with his present conditions. </p>

<p>Would it have been possible for us to know about the recently discovered planets if everyone was content and satisfied and no on was motivated to know about what lies beyond Pluto. </p>

<p>Indeed, motivation makes an individual perform a task better but contentment, on contrary holds back an individual to live with the things the way they are…</p>

5

<p>Geez man, be patient and wait for the test to come back like the rest of us. You could be working on your common app instead of being compulsive. It’s just interesting how everyone on this site is freaking out about the numerical value of their scores when learning is all that matters. Nice essay though. Cheers!</p>

6

<p>9 from 10 awesome but sooo short</p>