I agree that I got plenty of notes starting with “you don’t know me/you don’t remember me” but the stories and memories are a blessing and comfort.
Or if you didn’t know the deceased, an “I’m thinking of you and your family during these difficult times” works too!
DEFINITELY write the note!! If you don’t have a charming remembrance, just “thinking of you” is fine. Do a search on “what to write on a sympathy card” and you will get plenty of hits. I don’t love doing it, but it’s two or three lines and can mean a lot to someone.
I’m not super convinced that a friend that doesn’t have a connection to surviving family should feel obligated to write a note . But It’s very nice of course , always will be .
My husband found out a few days ago that a guy he grew up next door to died unexpectedly from a fall. He was a very popular kid in high school but most people had lost touch with him. When the news came out, it got a few friends from high school reconnecting by email and sharing stories. And talking about how much they want to try to make a point to make the next reunion from different locations. And the high school woman who tries to keep things going (and announced his death) has already put out feelers about the next reunion. One of the friends did make a very nice post on the guy’s funeral home page .
The friends would have loved to see him at the next reunion (and the one guy that had made contact with him fairly recently said he was looking forward to the next reunion).
The guys are glad they have made more contact, unfortunately because of this. . The 5 or 6 guys have stayed in touch over the years but have not all gotten together in the same place in decades. RIP Bill. Thanks for bringing them together again. Should one of the guys put that out to his adult kids or second wife, that nobody knows? Maybe. But, I don’t fault anybody if they don’t. Everybody processes loss in a different way. I can imagine some of them contributing to a charity in his honor and attaching a note( as that was what was requested in his obituary). But I do doubt any of these guys sent flowers.
slightly off topic, but…WRT flowers. H’s best friend (45 yrs) was a mortician in a small midwest town. Knew he was dying of cancer…planned the most awesome funeral. His one request: NO FLOWERS! As a mortician, he knew what a PIA it was for the families & funeral homes to deal with flowers before and after services. Nursing homes/hospitals and the like can be inundated—and this was pre-covid, And he felt a donation to one of his causes was money much better spent. Alas, there were still many arrangements delivered to funeral home (as I said, small town…and if one merchant sent flowers, the other merchants did not want to be outdone!-- I know, small town issues…but still heart warming!) fwiw…
When my mother died last year, we had this in her obituary since she was an avid gardener - “There are no services planned at this time. In lieu of flowers, donations could be made to an organization that helped her in later years (<listed 3 local groups>) or perhaps plant a flower in memory of her kind and gentle life.”
This 25-post thread has taken a bizarre turn where the OP first asked for advice regarding the death of a close family friend but then claims to not be close enough to the family to write a note. What in the world.
The deceased was a friend of the OP and OP’s family. The OP was not a friend of the deceased’s family and doesn’t know them. I agree that a short note telling something of that friendship would be welcome. People always like knowing their loved ones are remembered, even if they don’t know the other person. As we say, may their memory be a blessing.
Someone can be a close family friend, without being your own personal friend. But you can always write a note. “I know ___ meant a lot to my son.” “My SIL always talked about what a wonderful person ___ was.” It’s nice to be more specific, but you don’t have to be.
I like what Miss Manners says.
The purpose of such communications is to acknowledge the significance of the person’s loss, to demonstrate sympathy and to express a desire to ease their burden.
Store-bought cards with preprinted sentiments, signed by a crowd, require such minimal effort that they are unlikely to provide real comfort. They exist, Miss Manners suspects, because no one wants to write those letters, yet no one has the confidence that anyone else is writing, either.
This is not the exact same situation, but Miss Manners has it right. Just write the letter! https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/miss-manners-expressing-sympathy-for-a-colleagues-loss/2021/08/16/55e8c1cc-f3c0-11eb-9068-bf463c8c74de_story.html
Sometimes the right thing to say is something like, “I didn’t know your mother, but I do know from our discussions that you have been a wonderful, supportive daughter. We are so sorry for your loss.”
What I would do is if you haven’t already donated to the charity of their choice if they indicated one in the obit/memorial notice, do that now.
If you’ve already done that I think a plant or flowers are nice if they were a good family friend. A short one or two sentence note can accompany the flowers/plant when you order, “We (I) have been thinking of you. ‘Kelly’ was such a great friend to our family. With much sympathy, Iglooo.”
And/or send a physical card with similar sentiments. If you have any anecdotes, even vague ones, include them like, “It was always great to run into ‘Kelly’. They were always ready with a friendly smile. I know you all must miss them. Thinking of you, Iglooo.”
It doesn’t have to be a three page paper about your relationship with the person, just a short note to say you remember the family’s loved one and including a specific like “they had a friendly smile” or “I always enjoyed running into them at the grocery store” or whatever can be comforting.
If you didn’t know the deceased (but it sounds like you did?) and it’s a friend’s parent or something you can just reach out to the friend and express that you’ve been thinking of them and know that they must miss the person.
Older post now, but wanted to add, that when my father died, I received a note from someone who never met him, and really knew my son more than me. But his very kind note was to me. I was blown away. So I think any small note is appreciated.
Another one that doesn’t care for flowers. I would much rather have a donation to a loved one’s favorite charity in their memory, or pool resources for a tree or bench or other memorial purchased in their name. Maybe I’m one of the few that actually looks at those plaques, but I do appreciate them!
When my Dad died, the best ‘gift’ was a meal dropped off the first night we were dealing with family arriving. So sweet and thoughtful, I can imagine sending a gift card for a local place that delivers if you cannot bring a meal. Of course, this is not for a memorial a year later, just thinking of something we appreciated more than flowers.
These last 18 months have been a hard time for my family.
My mom passed unexpectedly in May 2020 (I scattered her ashes on the beach near her home, where she wanted to stay. No funeral. Just me and my niece, who said a few words. It was perfect.) Less than a week later, my MIL passed of covid.
My husband’s family is finally having a memorial service 18 months after she passed, because they really wanted all six kids to be there. Two sibs live far away. His family is very practical. Charity donations are requested by those in attendance, or not. I am a big fan of charity donations.
Then, my dad passed in March. My stepmom specifically didn’t want flowers, at least from us kids, for reasons mentioned above about clean up and disposal. People sent flowers, but her vision is terrible and she couldn’t see them. Lilies and other flowers can have a strong smell. The petals were sometimes sticky, the pollen could be messy, etc… She’s not strong and my sister had to sort out all the dead flowers, clean stuff up, and take away the vases, etc…
My step mom has made me rethink giving flowers. I love them and many people love receiving them. It’s worth considering though who will have to transport them, etc…when deciding if they are the right thing for the widow or widower, and the occasion.