A friend passed away about a year ago. The family is finally holding a memorial service. If you can’t attend, what would you do? They were a good family friend.
Send a note to the family saying you are sorry you can’t attend, that you will always remember the deceased with great fondness (perhaps give some specific memory), and that you hope the service brings them a sense of closure.
11 Likes
There were many people who were not able to attend my parents’ memorial service this summer. What I appreciated the most were friends and family who reached out to share stories and memories with me.
14 Likes
Send a physical card or flowers or make a donation to their designated charity.
6 Likes
Unless you know for certain it won’t be, you can also inquire to see if the service will be streamed or recorded.
I have attended a few memorial services virtually recently.
And yes, a note is nice. As is a donation if they designated a charity.
3 Likes
I would write a letter and share fun, sweet memories of your friendship. Express yourself in a creative way and let the family know that you will be there in spirit, and will light a candle at the time of the service in solidarity. And then light that candle!
3 Likes
My favorite uncle passed away unexpectedly when I was out of town & unable to return for the funeral. I sent a note to his wife & each of his adult children, with personal memories. They really appreciated the notes.
4 Likes
Many were not able to attend my dad’s service last summer due to COVID restrictions. We appreciated the cards and emails, and also were grateful for those who made a donation in his memory. My mother still is disappointed by a few people that she never heard from at all, so I’d say send something.
6 Likes
Thanks for posting this. I have an uncle who is in hospice right now 
Because of things being the way they are, I don’t feel comfortable going to the funeral. It’s good to think about what to do when the time comes.
2 Likes
I know it won’t be streamed. They wait a year for the service so people can attend in person. Thanks all for your suggestions. I will send flowers. Do you send flowers to the venue or their home?
If you want it displayed at the service then send it to the venue. The family will divide out the flowers and each family unit that wants some generally gets some.
If you want to send something directly to the immediate family, maybe make it a live plant instead of cut flowers.
2 Likes
When my parents passed away the thing I appreciated most was letters (emails or real ones) that shared personal memories. I also loved it when they sent photos. Flowers meant nothing to me, and I love flowers.
5 Likes
Same here. I love flowers but they are a pain to deal with for a grieving family. I wanted to put something in my mother’s obituary that suggested a contribution to a charity instead of flowers. My sister wanted flowers and she was the local one so I deferred to her.
2 Likes
My friend’s dad recently died. I texted her D about which local florists they preferred, got 2 suggestions, looked and their websites and ordered a nice arrangement to go to her home (didn’t really know her dad’s widow—it was his 3rd wife, knew the 1st wife, my friend’s mom).
She appreciated the flowers and had sent me flowers to my home when my dad passed 2/2020.
1 Like
I should have said flowers “can” be a pain to deal with instead of “are” a pain to deal with. Some people want flowers, others do not , so it is a know your friend and their circumstances and what you think they’d like. Sending to a friend at her house can also be different than sending to a funeral home or the spouse of someone you don’t really know. Sounds lovely what you and your friend did for each other.
I wanted flowers for my mother , to be at the funeral home, but was fine with a couple nice arrangements from family that could then be transported to the cemetery for her burial. I preferred charity donations after that. That was my vision but my sister thought otherwise. And we ended up with about 15 or so extra flower arrangements at the funeral home. And some large and elaborate that we had to pick up from the funeral home after the burial because we didn’t want to offend the guests coming to the luncheon that we knew were coming , so we schlepped a bunch of arrangements to the restaurant, after burying my mother. And then took a bunch to sister’s house because the funeral home wasn’t too receptive to finding a place for them ( your mileage probably varies with that). So, we sat with about 10 deteriorating flower arrangements for days in a small house. It’s been 10 years but It was no fun and I’m obviously being dramatic! Flowers are lovely!
2 Likes
We gave a lovely arrangement from those delivered to the church to the nurses who cared for dad (they came to services). We also gave an arrangement to the CCRC where he and mom have a unit. We put an arrangement at mom’s unit, took the roses & nice flowers off others so everyone could throw a rose or flower in with the casket at the cemetery. We had the wreaths placed on top of the burial mound. I think some of my sibs took some of the flowers. I didn’t want any more than the arrangement my friend had sent.
We generally write a card and enclose a check. If we can think of a heartwarming annecdote, we try to include one on the card.
1 Like
That sounds very lovely and you have a larger family. We wanted to have these extra arrangements sent to hospitals, etc. but the funeral home did not want to be involved . And we were exhausted after the day and did not have a facility to deliver to, as my mother died at home at 87. As I said, it’s all about the specific circumstances and what you think a particular friend or family needs.
2 Likes
I am afraid a letter or a note is out. Not much of a writer and I don’t know them that well. Well enough not attending the service will be not good but not well close enough to write a note. Hopefully, they don’t mind dealing with flowers.
What does the obituary suggest? Is there a charity that your friend was attached to that you could make a donation to in their memory? Or does the obituary suggest where flowers should be sent? Very sorry for your loss.
THis makes no sense. If you are at all thinking of the family and the service, you are “close enough” to write a note. I have written notes to families who I didn’t even know, because I had seen their loved one doing community work, for example.
When my parents died I received many notes that said, “You don’t know me, but I used to sit behind your mom in church . . .” Etc. Write the note, that is the most comforting thing for someone in mourning - to know that their loved one is being remembered and others are aware of the loss.
3 Likes