Mental Illness First Appears At College

Parents Forum
41

<p>After reading JHS' important story and the thoughtful posts following it, I'm trying to put together this puzzle. We have a system of live-away residential schools (boarding schools, colleges) that was created and patterned after places such as Oxford and Cambridge in medieval England. That was long before anyone every thought about mental illness, privacy rights and so on. </p>

<p>Following these residential school models, we have housing set-ups that put individuals in the same close quarters AS IF they were brothers and sisters, yet without even the minimal advice or guidance that the sibs of a mentally ill student would hear from parents. </p>

<p>I don't know boarding school culture, but I assume that because students are under age 18, the houseparent has much more ability to intervene than for a college freshman. </p>

<p>My bipolar brother claims that the only real mistake my parents made was along the lines of JHS' memory -- too much concern for the student's academic maintenance (graduate on time) and not enough time to recover from bad episodes. As soon as he was "better" they wanted to see him return to school or apply for a new job, when he says he asked for and needed more "couch time" between episodes. Some of the families and mentally ill students are scorchingly brilliant, so this doesn't help them all stay balanced between their achievement and healing goals.</p>

<p>The fact that JHS and his circle of friends already cared about the one sick on in their midst is a very important fact in his story. This would not be so for a freshman; no longterm loyalties built up. </p>

<p>Could a RA or Dean of Students possibly facilitate a conversation between parents and roommates/suitemates even without the consent of the student, just to brainstorm together how to help the one in trouble. It would be to everyone's advantage. The Dean could ensure the parent wasn't making inapprorpiate demands on the roommates ("be my eyes and ears") and basically look out for the rights of the roommates, too, who after all didn't come to school in order to heal roommates but to get their own educations. Still, in every human situation there is CARING and I can imagine roommates who'd want to do right by the person on their floor, whether for selfish or unselfish motivations.</p>

42

<p>To complicate matters, one of the guests on the "On Point" show said that FOR HER, school work and work-work were the stabilizing influences in her life, so work isn't always a stressor--for some it can be a normalizer. That's what makes any problem-solving so individual.</p>

43

<p>Bethie, I have seen what you describe. The demands of work and school, creating structure, and giving rewards, have kept my mentally ill sister on task and more or less functional for years. </p>

<p>I feel for all who have been involved in this process. It is so easy to feel overwhelmed by the crazy making isolation of these situations when trying to be of support. In a variety of situations, I've dealt with it myself. </p>

<p>The only thing I have to add to these excellent posts, is to be sure the RA and any friends you can make contact with have your phone number and a sense of your concern, so they feel less alone in their support of your D, as well as a place to turn if things head south. They don't need to have all details, and it may feel intrusive to contact them. But if a crisis occurs, there is a foundation of contact established, for all to fall back on. I wasn't clear as to whether the health office at the college was aware, as well as her advisor. Due to legal constraints, they may be unable to do much more than nod and listen to you. But again, you'll have reached out and spread a little awareness of her situation in the college environement. Wishing you the best with this hard time. Keep us informed as to how things progress.</p>

44

<p>One other thing I would mention is to be prepared for your d's friends to back away a bit. For some kids, dealing with someone else's mental illness can be overwhelming, particularly as they themselves are undergoing all the stresses and challenges of starting college, and for someone they haven't known long and don't really know all that well. It might be different if these were her friends for years, but a few months? While some kids may be willing to help, some others may be unable to. </p>

<p>(I'm not sure how I'd react if a roommate's or classmate's parent asked my d to help "take care" of their mentally ill child. We've all read the threads about parents wanting their kids to switch rooms for reasons less serious than these.)</p>

<p>Please don't rely on these other 18 year old kids to parent your child. (Not saying that you would - but it's a temptation.)</p>

<p>I also practiced health care law for a lot of years. I can't urge you more strongly to follow curmudgeon's advice for local mental health legal counsel.</p>

<p>Good luck with your d - I hope and pray that it is not as serious a situation as you believe it to be. And that you all can deal with it appropriately for a happy outcome.</p>

45

<p>Just realized that a problem of talking to D's friends is that recently this D had security throw the parents off-campus. PLEASE correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what I recall from another posting.</p>

<p>So I'm worried that she'd be furious if she found out the parents had approached the other students; probably the other kids can't keep it a secret. Someone is bound to let it slip. </p>

<p>Has anyone said it recently: legal counsel. Legal counsel.</p>

46

<p>Bob,</p>

<p>I am a parent who has recently been in your situation. I am also a lawyer (not one who practices in the mental health field, however). </p>

<p>One thing that surprised me in your postings is that the college in question does not want to "encourage" your daughter to take medical leave. In our situation once my child began showing symptoms of erratic behavior, the college was more than happy to have us take the liability off their hands and bring our child home. I understand that your daughter does not want to do that. My child did want to come home but now home, refuses to get treatment and wants to make all meds/medical choices on his/her own even though he/she hardly has the sound judgment to be able to do so at this time. It is extraordinarily frustrating and heartbreaking, just watching and waiting for the worst to perhaps happen.</p>

<p><a href="http://www.dbsa.org%5B/url%5D"&gt;www.dbsa.org&lt;/a> is also a helpful organization. Please PM me if you like.</p>

47

<p>Went thru again and saw nothing in this thread indicating parents being thrown off campus. Whether it happened or not, campus security is another point of observation. She might be furious, but at this point she sounds less than open with her parents regardless. The point is her safety, and as a parent, well I'm used to being ridiculed for caring about my kid's safety. And I'm far more blase than most parents I know! Friends may be less than receptive. That's ok, it's good they're in the Ds camp. Planting a seed in case of future need is what I was suggesting.</p>

48

<p>JHS: There seems to be some guilt in your post, that you precipitated your roommate's crisis in some way by taking him to the rabbi. I speak from personal experience too complicated to recount here that this isn't so. You did exactly the right thing and I think you are also right to feel that not enough support was given to you guys who need to be on site.</p>

<p>I have PM'ed Bob with the experience I refer to. All I have to add is to ask if you have let the college know the conclusions of the mental health professionals and the valid concern that she might hurt herself. In a very unrelated situation I got no help with something very important to me until I casually mentioned the word "lawsuit" and the tide changed.</p>

<p>Bob and Sanctuary08 -- I feel for both of you. Don't give up. There can be a rewarding life ahead for your children, even if it's not exactly the same life it seems they were headed for. Rewarding lives come in so many packages.</p>

<p>Bob: As others have said, and JHS's testimony supports, the sittuation is not a stable one, and things will change. Will echo p3t and others, please take curm's original advice and get local counsel.</p>

49

<p>glm, mention of the parent getting thrown off campus by security came from another thread by same poster, i believe, but i don't want to do him a disservice. There were 2 threads going for a while, unless I've just lost my memory, and that's not impossible.</p>

50

<p>Yes, wondered if was elsewhere, and you're pretty sharp, so didn't totally discount the fact. So many details, and it's a hard situation.</p>

51

<p>The 'parents getting thrown off campus' post by OP was #49, here:</p>

<p><a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=405137&page=4%5B/url%5D"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=405137&page=4&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

52

<p>mythmom: There is lots of guilt in my post, but it's primarily because by the end of college I never wanted to see my erstwhile friend again, and because even during college we were desperate for someone to come and DO something with him, take him off our hands. We loved him, but it was too much.</p>

<p>Precipitating the crisis: In retrospect, we should have just taken him to the hospital, but we were all 19 or 20, and quite romantic. Our friend was having a mystical experience -- God himself was talking to him (and we didn't yet know that God was swearing at him and telling him what a [jerk] he was yet). Like any good Ivy League student, he knew how to fit his experience into the genre of mystical conversion narratives. So, although we knew in our hearts that God wasn't talking to him, and that he was nuts, it was hard to let go of the possibility that he was having a bona fide mystical conversion experience. By and large, it was a Christian mystical conversion experience, but his received religious tradition was Judaism. I asked the Hillel rabbi, with whom I was reasonably close, if he would be willing to talk with my friend; what I expected was for him to tell my friend to go get psychiatric help, with some adult authority (the rabbi was a very authoritative person). </p>

<p>Waiting to see the rabbi, he collapsed on the floor, writhing and convulsing, and began to speak in foreign-sounding gibberish. It was scary and impressive. Although it still fit within the rules of mystical conversion narratives, it was far more crazy than anything he had done at that point, and basically cut through all the crap about whether to respect his experience or force him to seek help. He needed restraint and sedation.</p>

<p>I knew that going to talk to a rabbi would carry a large emotional charge for him (although not THAT large). I was hoping to use that charge to get him to seek help, and hoping to get some adult to confirm that he needed it. As I said, I (and all his friends) were well-meaning but completely without guidance. Kind of a nightmare: the only people your schizophrenic child is really talking to are 20-year-olds who have read some Augustine, Freud, Jung, Laing, and (Lord help me) Lacan.</p>

<p>That night, however, was the easiest part of the whole process: one of the few moments when it was completely clear what we had to do. I wish there had been more moments like that.</p>

53

<p>Apologies for the incorrect reference in my earlier post to the link for the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.</p>

<p>I believe the correct link is <a href="http://www.dbsalliance.org%5B/url%5D"&gt;www.dbsalliance.org&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p>

54

<p>JHS</p>

<p>I want to also tell you that you were in an impossible situation. There is absolutely NO WAY to know what thing will exacerbate or calm a situation like this. Getting adult help was THE right thing to do--really the only thing to do under the circumstances. How difficult for you this must have been--I thought I had problems with my first roommate because she had cats!!</p>

<p>I'm sure Bob wants to avoid forcible intervention anyway, if at all possible. Another issue came up in the program I heard today--if the first major mental health intervention is by force, it can set up a negative frame of reference for the sufferer to seek mental health support in future. But sometimes forcible intervention is necessary if there is a life-threatening condition. Nothing here is easy.</p>

<p>Again, Bob, my heart goes out to you. Stay with us if it's helpful, move away from us if it's not. But always get help. This is not something to take on without support.</p>

55

<p>What impresses me is that of all the kinds of adult authority figures around on a campus, from dean to security officer to doctor, JHS you had enough insight into what concerned your friend to take him to a rabbi, who basically (it sounds like) decided on the spot it was a medical emergency. Who can fathom the mind? Maybe seeing someone from his past context let your friend fall apart, realizing he was in a safe place to crumble.</p>

<p>Since you were there, young and strong, you could help the rabbi to restrain him. The rabbi would have failed if he'd faced the kid alone, that is, if you were a bit more cowardly and just "sent" your friend to the rabbi's office or left him there. But, because you were his friend, he perhaps wasn't scared of you as you began to restrain him so he wasn't terrified as if you'd been an ambulance guy in a white suit. Yet two of you friends couldn't have done it either, at age l9 who has the sense of sureness to know what to do next? The rabbi, as an adult, perhaps could declare decisively to go next to a hospital and your friend could hear the clarity of an adult voice. And you could lend a hand physically, plus be a recognizable face so not terrifying to him. </p>

<p>I just think you were the best possible friend at that moment. And if it exhausted you and you haven't kept up with him, maybe your moment simply came and went. I think you acted so very well and not every relationship is meant to continue. </p>

<p>I saw a movie, why can't I name it...it had Meryl Streep playing herself both young and old, and Vanessa Redgrave (old) paired with Anne Hathaway (when she was younger). The woman on her deathbed (Vanessa) is absolutely haunted by a story from her college years and can't be at peace. Her daughter summons the old best friend, and one of the things that happens is you realize the same story that haunted one for years meant something entirely different (and quite less) to the other. I think Hathaway is sure she should have talked her best friend out of marrying, but doesn't succeed, so is sure her life turned out ruinous from a loveless marriage. Then you find out Meryl Streep half-remembers that night ("Ha, you almost talked me out of getting married..") but when pressed tells her friend that while the marriage wasn't close her life as a whole had been good anyway. It is entirely possible he worked things out and certainly isn't haunted. The memory that haunts you might be the beginning of his cure, so for him is a better evening. So all I'm saying is it must mean something entirely different for him, but I'm sure you acted as a great friend that day.</p>

56

<p>Thanks. I was trying to be a good person then. I usually try now, too. I think most people do.</p>

<p>The point relative to this thread is that living with a mentally ill college student is an awful burden to place on his or her friends/roommates, etc., and they have even fewer rights, and less support, than parents. Their reactions and instincts may be immature, too.</p>

57

<p>I am an attorney that constantly deals with my clients' health issues. However, I am not an attorney specializing in mental health issues. What I can advise all parents and one of the lessons that parents can learn from Bob's heartbreaking story is the importance of requiring their kids to sign HIPAA releases that gives the college health facilities the absolute right to consult you as the parent concerning your child's health issues be they physical or mental. I don't care if your kid doesn't want to sign one it should be non-negotiable.</p>

<p>My D signed the HIPAA which was sent with all of the voluminous other orientation documents. She just had a bad case of bronchitis. When I called to review the treatment with the doctor at the student health center to give a complete medical history she said she could not speak to me because there was no HIPAA release on file. I told her one was sent. I must admit that I politely advised of what I do for a living and she spoke with me. However the lesson there is even if u think there is a HIPAA on file u should check at the beginning of each year with the health center that they have it in student file.</p>

<p>Although our kids are over 18 they need us especially when they are sick. As well-meaning as the student health services are they should work in conjunction with parents to discus past medical history that the student may not be able to recite and to review treatment options. With a signed HIPAA release if the health center or the school administrators refuse the level of cooperation you desire an attorney should be contacted in extreme cases such as Bob's Daughter.</p>

<p>Perhaps you remember the trouble MIT got into a number of years ago with the tragic suicide of a student and the failure of the school to properly notify and work with the student's parents when the girl was exhibiting significant aberrent symptoms.</p>

<p>My prayers go out to you Bob.</p>

<p>Dana's Dad</p>

58

<p>Dana's Dad: Thanks for the advice.</p>

<p>p3t: You're thinking of Evening. Meryl Streep's daughter young Meryl Streep. Claire Danes plays young Vanessa Redgrave.</p>

59

<p>danalynne</p>

<p>Bob has expressed that he wishes they had gotten that form signed. I totally agree with you--it is easier to get this form signed BEFORE you send your child to college. They will usually understand that they would want college support if they need to be hospitalized. This is a very new thing for parents to negotiate.</p>

60

<p>About the waivers: some colleges have a separate waiver for grades/academic issues, one for the health clinic, and another for the counseling (mental health) center. By the time we walked around campus to pick up the third form, S thought it was ridiculous and didn't want to fill it in.</p>

<p>Also, even thought they sign a waiver, they can go back in to tear it up at any time, so a strong arm tactic won't work.</p>