My child is currently in 5th grade and applying to independent middle schools.
Some background: I have three children — two middle school aged and one preschooler. Eldest applied to schools last year and now attends first choice school.
Middle child is now applying. We are applying to eldest’s school but this is not first choice due to no longer wanting to be known as the younger sibling. They attended the same school K-5.
Children’s guidance counselor has asked which school is middle child’s first choice, presumably to help advocate as notifications loom near.
Everyone tells me having the kids in one school is preferential and to tell GC eldest’s school is family’s first choice. Middle child admits this school would be first choice if not for the older sibling. GC knows how the applicant child ranks schools on their list but wants parent feedback.
How much should a 10-year-old’s desire to break away from a sibling matter here? The school in question is the perfect fit for middle child save for the desire have their “own school.”
This is the prep school forum so usually encompasses 9-12 grade. Is there another forum for younger students where someone could help you consider this? I haven’t seen one on CC though I haven’t searched.
Having kids in one school is certainly logistically easier, for the parents/family. Still, as the parent of three, you no doubt are well aware that every one is different. All over Fairchester, there are families with kids at two or even three different schools.
Does #2 have any specific interest in other schools?
Masters was in consideration last year but out of consideration this year as it isn’t close to #1’s school, home or either parent’s workplace. #1’s best friend attends Masters and loves it.
1’s school is in Fairfield County. ;)
2 has very specific interest in larger schools which don’t seem to vibe with their introverted personality. The worry is #2 will get lost socially at larger schools.
These schools also have heavier homework load. #2 has complained (a lot!) about #1’s gratuitous down time as compared to #2’s lack of same. We are coming from an elementary with a heavy homework load.
“How much should a 10-year-old’s desire to break away from a sibling matter here?”
If it were me, the 10 yo’s desire to break away would have zero impact on the decision. He/she is not paying for the extra gas, vehicle mileage, lost time commuting to/from school, let alone coordinating/attending events at different schools. A 10 yo’s psychological and frontal lobe development is not such that they can rationally consider all of the variables and make/understand the choice that is best for everyone (including them). They are egocentric and supposed to be at that age.
Thank you for your input. I would agree except that we’re talking about an application process that requires commitment and dedication. Kid has spent time completing applications, interviewing, shadowing, test prepping, etc. Seems to me they should be heard at the very least.
As I’ve said, most in my circle have advised to just declare the #1’s school as first choice to the GC. It will likely end up being #2’s only acceptance and they will be none the wiser that they were steered.
This is the first year in many years that all my children attend the same school. It’s also likely to be the last year they will attend the same school.
I cannot say as a parent how nice it is to have all my kids at the same school, and more importantly, on the same schedule. Last year, my kids had different spring breaks, different random teacher in-service days, different half-days, different first days of school, etc. It was terrible from a working parent’s perspective.
I personally would listen to the child’s rationale but I would probably give little weight to their choice if was largely due to not wanting to known as #1’s younger sibling. The fact that child#2 admits that #1’s school would be first choice if #1 didn’t attend is very telling.
That being said, at that age, I would pick the school that I think would best serve the needs of #2. If that is school #1, then that’s all the better for the family. But I would also have no hesitation to send #2 to a school I felt was a better fit for #2, even if it was not school #1.
I have 4, but live in an area with very few school choices. My oldest are now applying to boarding school for high school and unless there is a clear reason why the younger kids can’t attend the same school (academic ability, major sport interest, etc) then my goal is to have everyone attend the same school! The logistics are obviously the biggest issue. Also, keep in mind that in addition to tuition you would also be requested to make charitable gifts to two schools instead of one! My sister has kids at different private schools and talks about that being a big issue!
I would tell the GC that the oldest child’s school is YOUR first choice if that is the best choice for the family as a whole.
It sounds like school #1 is everyone’s first choice but that it’s bring sullied by elder sib. For that reason, I would stick with school #1. And I would see what could be done to help with the rivalry. I would stress to the younger one that letting older sib essentially drive the younger one to his 2nd choice will do little to help the relationship. I would talk to the school about the intensity of the sentiment and see what they can suggest to minimize the dynamic. I would ask the younger kid what would make the situation palatable. I suspect that with dome work, they can both share their first choice school.
Remember that kid#2 could pick school #2 and not be happy and blame it on older sib. Separating them just doesn’t seem like the best path to guaranteed happiness.
I also have a #2 who would wish to break away - I think it is a valid concern. But if the other school choices aren’t as good that makes it a tricky decision. If #2 kid says the school would be first choice if #1 didn’t attend that is telling. Maybe more conversation about that would help #2 be more comfortable with the choice.
For day schools, it’s so much harder to be on different s hediles and going different directions. My boys are 2 years apart and attended the same very small private day school all the way through. Since they started in preschool we didn’t consider other options, but under different circumstances we might have looked around but probably rejected others for various reasons, including convenience. They are very different kids and although they did some things together (MS soccer for 1 year), generally they had very distinct experiences. Teachers don’t compare/contrast them. I can see DS#2 being contrary about it at age 10, but we wouldn’t have made a change just for him to do something different. Now, however, they are going different directions. DS#1 is in boarding school, and DS2 will hopefully be accepted to his first and only choice LDS for high school. Even if DS2 went to BS at this time, we’d look at different schools, but in my view it’s different for ages 14-18 than ages 10-13.
2 is applying to 5 schools. Let's call the schools they are applying to schools A through E. #2's ranking of the schools would be as follows.
School A
School B
School C (#1's school)
School D
School E
School B is a school #2 has spent a lot of time at for various reasons (classes, theater, summer programs) since 2nd grade. This has always been kid’s dream school except that…
Kid thoroughly enjoy visiting/interviewing at School A. So it slipped in first place above School B.
School C is #1’s school. What #2 loves about this school is that it feels comfortable; they were greeted by name and knew everyone (this being due entirely to time spent around staff/students because #1 attends there!). So it seems School C is both benefiting and being dinged for its association with elder sibling. Go figure.
We’ll ignore Schools D and E for now as they’re not our family’s or #2’s top choices.
I spoke with our GC at length. Schools A, B and C have expressed interest in #2. Decisions will be released in the coming weeks. We’ll see how it all shakes out, which schools or schools ultimately extend acceptances, attend accepted student receptions and revisits and go from there.
You did not ask “should the child be heard at the least?” or “should I declare school #1 as our first choice to the GC?” Those are entirely different questions and would have entirely different answers (or suggested tactics if requested).
I personally wouldn’t turn this into a problem requiring multivariable calculus to solve. Kids must learn how decisions impact the balance between their autonomy and the net happiness of the family as a whole. Is a 10yo mature enough to make a decision where their only gain is a sense of autonomy and all of the losses are incurred by others in the family?
I have twins that have been in the same schools (2 public and 1 private) since they were 18 months old. They have always been in different classes, but the same school. They are currently in 8th grade and even though they are both doing very well academically, one is applying out to different schools for 9th grade. It has just been too hard on them to be grouped together all of the time and not able to have their own identities. Their relationship has suffered from being constantly compared, by teachers/peers/administration/etc. Kids need their own space to figure out who they are and who they want to be. I think that you should maybe listen to him when he is telling you how he feels.
@Altras I did say I appreciated everyone’s input. My statement that bancqsykid2 should at least be heard was meant to relate that I did not want to disregard that child’s preferences.
Thank you for your perspective and feedback.
@ABJ8888 my children are not twins but they are only 51 weeks apart. My second has always had their sibling’s teacher from the previous year. They are grouped together all the time. I am certainly listening to their preferences.
OP - Be sure to compare school calendars before making a decision. I have close friends with kids at two different schools. School 1 suddenly changed their schedule which no longer coincided with school 2. Totally different break schedules, start/end days for the school year, etc… It was a real problem for this family. Things also got tricky with after school sports and music schedules.
I have an S19 and an S20. I think it has been a huge burden for S20 to live in his brother’s shadow. They are both high flyers academically but S20 has often struggled to be seen as his own person. At the academic recognition ceremony at the beginning of this year, both boys were recognized but S19’s name was on both his and his brother’s certificate. Teachers often call S20 by S19’s name. There are always the constant comparisons. Their relationship has suffered due to all of this. If I could have had them at different schools it would have been a blessing. If it is even remotely a possibility for your family to consider, I encourage you to consider the validity of your child’s concerns/feelings and not dismiss them out of hand.
