I am wondering if anyone has had a child choose a school that wouldn’t be the parents’ top choice and how that worked out?
Specifically, I am worried about workload, size of school, commute to school. Kid tells me not to worry about any of it, she’s got this.
I’d trust your kid. She’s the one who has to attend the school for 4 years.
I left final choice up to S19. I probably would have chosen differently but it is his college education and he is paying for it via his scholarship.
@mountainmomof3 , this is a boarding school forum, so parental involvement is a bit greater!
@dogsmama1997 , given the schools your d was considering, I would let her choose unless there is a part that is truly unworkable for you (in which case you wouldn’t have applied.) I would discuss your concerns with her - you want to be sure she’s considered them - but if she can speak to them, I would let her choose. There will be bumps no matter where she goes and you don’t want part of the dialogue around those to be that you interfered in the decision. This way, it will have been her choice to go there and her desire to make it work.
I think it is fair for parents to narrow the choice based on finances and logistics.
Presumably, you did not apply to any schools that would be absolutely terrible?
Out of the concerns you list, the one that would influence me the most as a day student would be the commute. Last year my son also applied to a local day school that would have been 60-90 minutes on the bus in the morning, then would have required me to drive 40+ minutes in each direction to pick him up after required sports. That commute would have been awful, and if he had not gotten into BS I would have just sent him to our strong, local public school.
@dramakid2 oh geez! I should shut up then. That is NOT the commute I am talking about. I think we have been spoiled because we are a 5 minute walk to the public school so it has always been super easy. The kid has walked to school her whole life with me driving only in torrential rain! I think I am possibly worried for no reason - 25 minutes does not seem like a big deal compare to what you describe but it was a shock to me compared to what I have known for so long.
If everything else is equal, and she’s going to play sports at a high level, have you completely researched the team experiences for both schools? This is what I did before deciding.
Met extensively with all the coaches, they’ve seen her play, talked to her current coaches, we’ve been to many games at the school. One school probably has better teams (but that can change so quickly when/if one key player graduates) I think she is leaning towards that school because of the better teams.
I’d have to agree here. Aside form those very important parameters, which the parent controls, it is the kid attending school, not the parent.
If there was any school that the parent really objected to, that conversation should have been had before applications were sent, not now.
As the mom of a soon-to-be-day-student, I think the commute is a big factor if you have any concerns at all about her integration into the school community, and/or if your ability to manage getting her back and forth to school at all times of days and night and/or on the weekends is going to be hard for you to manage. It’s all well and good now in the spring, but when it’s dark and cold at 9PM on a Tuesday in the dead of winter when you’re already in your jammies, will you feel the same way? So I definitely think you get a vote there! (The same goes for finances.)
For things like work load/size of school, however, there’s a strong case for letting her make that decision (after hearing your concerns, of course). If her mind’s set on something else, she may always regret not going that route – and potentially resent you for pushing her in another direction. Just keep reminding yourself that a school wouldn’t have accepted her if they didn’t think she could handle the environment!
Thank you everyone, hearing the different perspectives is really helpful.
@ProudDramaMama She knows I have no shame - I WILL show up at school in jammies and slippers. Poor kid. I promised, not in the first few weeks 
@dogsmama1997
No need to shut up. It’s a perfectly reasonable question.
To answer your question more fully, we did let our BS school kid decide which of the three finalists to attend. She chose the middle one in terms of selectivity, and I think it was a good choice even though the most selective was my alma mater and would have been the least expensive. Our other two selected the schools we would have chosen for them.
We did put parameters on where we allowed the BS child to apply. She wanted to board but we wanted to be able to see her. Luckily we live in an area rife with boarding schools, so we were able to ask that she apply only to local boarding schools, schools we could reasonable travel to for a Saturday game.
Sometimes kids make the decision based on factors that aren’t readily apparent, even to them. Sometimes they’re a little irrational, in which case it makes sense to talk them out, but often they’re indicative of larger issues that would affect your child’s experience at the school. My college example (but still applicable here) is that my son crossed off any college that didn’t have a football team. Why? He attended a prep school without football. He never played football and didn’t watch it on TV. He couldn’t verbalize why he wanted a school with a football team. I think the answer is that for him it was a stand in for school spirit and a touch of masculinity, since many of the colleges without football are former women’s colleges.
Will your child be a day student? If so, the commute could be material. In addition to the BS kid I’ve had two day students and I have to say it’s hard to be involved in a school when it takes half an hour to get there. One kid is at a school that’s half day, half boarding. That school plans parent events around Parents’ Weekend and other times convenient to those coming from a distance. The other was at a purely day school. That one had many events we had to be late to because of commuting issues. That kid also developed a best friendship with a kid an equal distance on the other side of the school so driving him to his friend’s house meant almost two hours in the car for drop off and the same for pickup.
On the flip side the time in the car can be a nice opportunity to connect if your kid is willing to talk.
One of the reasons I chose my college was the male:female ratio. I Shameful but true. (I was 17; what can I say?) To my credit, it also happened to be a very good school. Also, I met my husband there so…
In any case, just backing up that trying to understand her reasons can help you support them. That is, if they’re worth supporting.
Our son did not choose the BS we would have. It worked out fine. Ditto for college.
Presumably, no one allows a child to apply to any unacceptable schools so, in the end, there are no bad choices or reasons, barring finances, why the student shouldn’t get to make the final decision.
I am really torn on this because they are 14 and some of their reasons are completely superficial based on how they clicked with the guide during revisit, class they attended, the food in cafeteria that day etc. But if my kid felt strongly in the final stretch I’d go with it. The commute issue is the only one there meriting serious consideration, as it will impact the entire family (especially if there are younger kids at home) for however long it takes till she can drive at least. A large reason my kid is looking for boarding school is being tired of all the time spent in the car these days, between commuting to school or sports. But we have the opposite problems, while we all managed to get down to final two, the kid does not seem to want to make the final call and we are torn as well. We made the whole pro/cons list but at the end of the day it is a bit of a leap of faith and I am just hoping it will work out either way. For us, the revisit days did not really make the choice the way we hoped they would.
We are letting our child drive much of the decision making. However, we are probing for answers to important questions to ensure he’s thought through everything.
That said, we did knock a few off his list (too far away since he has “better,” in our opinion, fit choices closer to home). That created a mild stir since he wanted to revisit a couple more schools but we said no. Additionally, there was another school that was high on the list that would have created issues for us. We were at the ready to counter sell against that choice had it started to creep up the list and emerge as a favorite.