How horrible. The poor kiddo.
I think to some extend she might want to be back to a normal routine and even be busier than normal. She might also not want a lot of attention. I think my inclination, if it was my daughter, would be to have your daughter reach out to her and ask her how she’d like to be supported-or even better the two of them could talk to the counselor together. Everyone grieves differently and your daughter may have every best intention but can’t be a mind reader.
Hope everyone is staying safe and off the roads up the Mid-Atlantic & New England today!
@cityran , I like the idea of your D talking to the counselor at school. The counselor is likely to have more information about the roommate, how she wants to process, etc so could give your D much better guidance on how to deal with this than any of us can.
And your D may find she has some coping of her own to do, whether from the attention her roommate gets, being or not being the confidante of choice, and just “having this in the air”. Having someone who can support her will be important for both of them.
This would be a difficult situation for anyone of any age – and we don’t live in a culture that gives us a lot of tools or instructions on how to deal with death.
Your D is so lucky she has you as she goes through this.
6 posts were merged into an existing topic: Boarding school COVID discussion 2022
So… anyone else’s kid getting a weather day tomorrow?
Cityran, my mother passed while I was in boarding school (20+ years ago now). The busyness and structure was a mixed blessing… it offered a way to get my mind off of things, find a sense of normalcy, and have a big support network around me, but it was also tough to try to manage all my responsibilities like normal when my brain constantly felt like the matrix was glitching.
One thing to talk to your daughter about is that it’s totally normal to feel like she doesn’t know the right thing to do or say. Remind her there isn’t anything she can do to fix things; her roommate just needs to know that D cares. D can ask her roommate to let her know what she needs at a given time - that may be to go do something fun, or to bury herself in routine for a bit, or to talk, or to go throw snowballs at trees, or to stay in their room watching a movie and eating an entire pint of ice cream apiece. Offering time alone in the room when the roommate needs it is definitely a good idea. If they hang out together outside their dorm it might also be good for them to have a signal for “let’s get out of here” when out at events/large group activities.
I would absolutely talk to your daughter about going to see one of the counselors herself or setting aside time to talk with a faculty member she feels comfortable with. She needs to be able to talk things through and be sad or anxious with someone who isn’t her roommate (this is a good time for a lesson on Ring Theory Ring Theory Helps Us Bring Comfort In | Psychology Today). She can also do her roommate a huge service by tactfully putting a stop to any classmates she witnesses dumping on her roommate instead of offering support; there is nothing quite like finding yourself comforting someone else about the death of your own parent.
Cityran,
More words on this one 
Feel free to PM me if I can help further.
Your instinct to offer to take her out is a great one. Please do that whenever possible and encourage other parents to if you have opportunities to discretely mention it. Your daughter might tactfully mention it to mutual day student friends (or boarders from close by) as well. I’ve spent a lot of long weekends and holidays as a “stray” and it’s always been really meaningful. You might also make sure to find out roommate’s birthday and send a care package for it. Other things that parents & friends did that meant a lot often involved those basic moments of mothering that an extended family member might not think of if they don’t have a teen away from home… checking in when she’s under the weather, helping pack or unpack/decorate a dorm room, taking them shopping during a visit for formal dance attire or clothes for the coming season (you don’t need to buy everything, it’s the time and attention that matters), asking if she’s been getting to bed at a decent hour during midterms, sending a little treat or text wishing her luck during exams, etc. Depending on how close the girls are you might ask (via your D) if she feels comfortable with your daughter passing on her cell number to you so you can do occasional check-ins directly. One of the tough things about losing my mom as a teen (vs adulthood or as a little kid) was that there so many things that I could do myself at that age or weren’t necessities and so I wouldn’t ask for help with them, but emotionally I really still needed that caretaking.
Thank you so much for this incredible advice, it comes at the perfect timing as we are headed up to parents weekend today. I am so sorry for your loss, but thank you so much for sharing your experience.
A friend of mine told me that his college counselor said that “counselor calls” were very recently (>2 years) banned. Anyone heard anything similar?
I don’t know about officially banned, but I understand that they don’t happen much anymore.
I imagine they still do happen - more informally between individual CCs an AOs who know each other - and with not the same effect as back in the day. I just wouldn’t expect someone to pick up the phone on my kid’s behalf these days.
The landscape has changed just in the 4 years my kid has been in high school. I geeked out at one point last year and tracked the admissions trends at about 20 top schools for the past 5 years via public demographic data, including public v private schools - you can see it. More at some schools than others. The data isn’t really all in yet for the last admissions cycle, but I imagine the trend accelerated.
Did we have a thread on this topic a while back? 
I have tried searching but couldn’t find it….If we do, I want to continue this discussion. If we don’t, let me know and I will start one! Lot of chat & chew.
Does this not apply to WL? From what I heard there were MANY phone calls during happening late Spring of last year.
I will say that it has sparked significant discourse among the student body (for many reasons).
I don’t know. If phone calls were to happen, I agree it is most likely at the WL stage.
The writer seems to think highly of their purple prose. 
It’s enough to drive someone to read Hemingway.
Is anyone at all surprised by this after what kids have been asked to sacrifice since 2019, often on the thinnest of scientific veneers? Mental health issues are currently far more risky for teens and young adults than Covid and yet many schools are only creeping towards shifting restrictions. The craziest part is that we’ve convinced a good portion of kids that they should be nervous about Covid (I’d love to know who previously stressed the danger from flu with their kids!) and that other peoples health is somehow their responsibility.
I was hoping you would post this…
Thanks for posting this. I am a parent of a student at Lawrenceville and it really makes me sad. It also reminded me that I need to give more love and attention to my child when DS comes home.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1T7zniPPX2LHdR5cFx0kRkHqAbd8FSfAB3neUx_8-KeE/mobilebasic
Looks like Choate has its own problems. From what I’ve heard, the walkout did actually occur; I’m proud of their students. Personally, I don’t think Lawrenceville has enough of a protest culture to do the same.
Calling @CavsFan2003 (or any other current student/parent). Would you be comfortable sharing what happened, any response from Dr. Curtis?
