Missing a "parent experience" now that S is away at school

Parent Cafe
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<p>We keep finding new takes on experiences now that our son is so far away off at school. As with lots of high-achievers, we parents always loved it when the kid got praises for accomplishments. As you know, my son loves making films, and the publicity he got in high school (scholarship for one film, a teen film festival where he got to speak to younger filmmakers, special screening for the school board, etc) was just as much enjoyed by his parents as by him. </p>

<p>But now he's away, still enjoying success, but we can't be there.</p>

<p>Just this last week, he was part of a team that entered a film competition (he was DP and Editor) and their team took a very unexpected second place. It was really a big deal for him and the night he called us - after midnight - to give us the news, he was being mobbed. You could hear the sounds of celebration all around him, his cell phone call-waiting beep was constantly going off, and he had had requests for a TV interview and a radio interview. The film was screened before hundreds of people and he said the most exciting thing was that as the credits started to roll on their film, people were cheering so loudly that no one could hear the score that was written for the film.</p>

<p>What I would have given to be there.</p>

<p>I know it's selfish, and I know that you-can't-live-through-your-children, etc., but I miss being in the middle of those kinds of "accomplishment and recognition things," kvelling.</p>

<p>So this question is for those parents whose kids are away at school, but were/are into things that brought attention (dance, music, acting, etc). Do you miss it too?</p>

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<p>Definitely. Let's face it: for parents of these kinds of high achieving kids, sharing in their constant accomplishments can be a kind of drug--the more you get it, the more you crave it. And despite knowing that you are living through them, it's very hard not to.
However, most of the areas in which my kids achieved were not the type where parents would be present (except tennis, or academic awards nite). So, it was mostly through their telling my about it later that I shared in their pride. So, if they call me from school with some great news, I still get that lift. The real difference, however, is that now that they're both swimming in much bigger ponds, the opportunities to stand out come far less frequently. And I believe that that's actually healthy: to be exposed to and appreciate the huge accomplishments of others. And not having that constant vicarious high is probably healthy for me to---I actually AM starting to get a life!</p>

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<p>My daughter isn't into performing arts. But she is a fencer. I spent years taking her to practices and tournaments. Now she is going and fencing with her school's team. She tells me how she did after each competition, but it isn't the same at all. I can't yell, I can't give her advice or a critique, or anything!</p>

<p>She is applying to archaeological field schools for this summer, so I won't even have summer nationals with her this year.</p>

<p>I guess I don't miss the hours of travel and all the sitting around waiting for strips to be available, for pools and DEs to be posted, etc. I do miss her yells of victory and happy smiles, though.</p>

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<p>Sure, but kids LOVE to have their parents be part of the celebration and miss it, too! Even when we are old adults, as I am. I recently had a professional recognition...of course I called my parents and shared it with them!</p>

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<p>
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Do you miss it too?

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</p>

<p>Awwwwwwww, dig, sweetie, of course! You are SO not alone! Now, granted, we are in a bit of a different situation than you are what with our having five more here at home, but even so, there is a huge void left where our oldest and his myriad activities were a part of our daily lives. </p>

<p>My girls are all still involved in musical theatre and my other boys in sports, so it is easy for us to keep busy. But, I most assuredly do miss having our oldest to trail after and support too.</p>

<p>You are such a good daddy, dig! :)</p>

<p>And a HUGE congrats to your marvelously talented son on his unexpected second place finish in the film competition!!</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>I've struggled with this, too. I have 2 out of the nest and one left at home. I see the writing on the wall.</p>

<p>I used to always criticize parents who "lived through their children", but now I think, "So, is that such a bad thing?" Obviously it can be carried to excess, but if we are finding pleasure and enjoyment in watching our kids compete, succeed, etc., I think that's okay. It sure isn't any weirder than the rabid fan who lives to see his team play each week. Yes, it goes away....and that's a problem. I have 2 more years with a kid at home, and then I don't know what my life will be like. We have homeschooled our children, so that compounds the problem. The kids have been my career as well as being....well....my kids!</p>

<p>I guess the important thing is to appreciate what we do have. Digmedia, I think that is so cool that in the midst of all that excitement, your son called you! It was important to him that you be a part of it, too. I guess that now you are just having to enjoy it all from a bit further away.</p>

<p>By the way, my son left at home has aspirations of being a filmmaker, too. We are in the midst of our first "season" of film contests and festivals and it has been pretty heady stuff. Our ds also had an unexpected 2nd place win. I sure enjoy this part more than I did the actual filmmaking. Ds doesn't drive yet, so dh and I were very much associate producers on ds' first film.</p>

<p>You had PMed me a couple of months ago about Ohio University. I'm guessing that this is your son who is there that you are talking about. And he is a freshman too, right? Wow! It sounds like he is doing great! In which festival did his film place?</p>

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<p>I miss concerts but then I have been missing many along the way since my son spent summers away from home from the beginning of his high school years onwards. Actually I rarely knew until a few hours before he was performing. He has never been good at sharing that information with me. In fact, one day I ended up "crashing" The Queen's Birthday party at a British high commissioner's residence thinking it was one of his performances!!! The funny part was the guy that met me and my son at the door and showed me into the yard and my son to where the other musicians were and was very kind and chatted for awhile was the high commissioner. I guess he didn't really care but boy, did I laugh when later I found out it was by invitation only. I remember being mad at my son when he asked me to drive him over for this performance and he hadn't told me about it. Oh well. I don't have to worry anymore. I just ask for photos, films, recordings and the such. Sometimes I get 'em, sometimes I don't.</p>

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<p>Digi...huge congrats to your son and very cool that he called to share it with you "in the moment"! </p>

<p>I know exactly what you are talking about. As parents, we never missed anything our kids were in. Our lives were spent going to all their activities and it took up a great deal of our time each week....be it sporting events, recitals, theater productions, etc. Now both our kids are away at college (they are 17 and 19). I don't miss the daily schlepping and schedules. However, we really hate to miss anything they are in. </p>

<p>We have been lucky to at least share some things in college. My oldest is on an alpine ski team for her university and her races every weekend are in New England and so while it is quite a drive to them (as much as three hours each way, some less), we are fortunate that we are getting to see her during this period of time and also can share the excitement from the sidelines. There are MANY parents who travel to these, by the way. There is even a potluck lunch provided by parents at these collegiate races for each team. So, I'm still getting to see things she is in, maybe not everything, but still a bunch. </p>

<p>My other kid....we do travel to see her in something too, though she is just a freshman so there has not been a real lot yet plus she is a theater student in a program that doesn't allow freshmen to be cast by policy. However, we saw her a capella group perform at college and then traveled to see them perform at Smith (three hours from us) about ten days ago, though didn't see them at Georgetown. She is competing at Brown (ironically where my other kid goes but who won't be there at the time) in a few weeks and we just booked that today to go see her perform there (I won't see her all semester otherwise and she won't be home spring break). She is the pianist in a musical at her school, NYU/Tisch, next month and I really hate missing that but it doesn't seem like it is going to work out because we will be going to Nationals in other d's sport in Maine that same time. I realize not all parents can do this due to even greater distances (one of ours is four hours from home and one is six hours from home) and we also now have the luxury that there are no kids at home that might impede our ability to get away to see the college ones in their events. I know when my younger one is in a show, we will have to go see it. I just cannot skip it. </p>

<p>While less important than a performance or event, even today my D was doing something that I had always accompanied her on over the years. She is auditioning in NYC today for a summer stock job and I have this feeling that she is smiling at doing this on her own in the city without mom like she used to. However, she called me after she got her "number" just to share it with me and will likely call later today after she has the audition to tell me what it was like. Stuff like that, they are more on their own now and I am not a part of it, as it should be. But yes, when there is some event, game or performance, you like to be there to share it. You can't with everything in college though. Your son is like my kids though in that when something exciting happens, they do still call to share it! So, you are there in spirit and they still want you to be a part of that excitement! </p>

<p>Mucho congrats to your son!</p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>We had to give up some of the thrill of Ds ballet before she left, as injuries meant she danced way less often, and without the technical prowess. However, I do remember the people gasping even when she just did bourrees, as her real talent was grace not technique, and me learning over to tell people she was my daughter. How embarassing:). </p>

<p>So I have as much of an addiction to high performing kids as anyone else. I once confessed on cc to mainlining the high perf drug. I am lucky in my withdrawal process because D now writes for the college paper and I can read her articles online:). Think of it as methadone to replace the ballet fix....</p>

<p>I do try to be clear with my kids that my joy in their performance and wins is my issue, and that I am also capable of putting on a different hat. In other words, rabid fan and vicarious thrill-seeker mom becomes consultant mom who can objectively review their choices and desires and activities and understand what might actually serve them best in their path towards adulthood vs. what sends that glow of THAT'S MY KID through their mom's veins.</p>

<p>And almost forgot. Congratulations to Digson.</p>

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<p>I haven't heard my D play the bassoon since the last HS concert in June. I think she sort of burned out and hardly practiced in the summer. She was sick over the holiday break and only practiced a little during the days when I was at work. Due to the snow, we cancelled last weekend's planned trip to visit and hear a concert at school. Hopefully there will not be a problem with the next possible opportunity in March. I suspect even my tin ear will notice a difference after half a year of conservatory training.</p>

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<p>DianeR - Just curious - are you in the NE? What school is your daughter fencing for? I wanted my son to continue fencing (as a club sport in college) and he has all of his equipment with him, but I don't think he's done it at all. </p>

<p>Timely: They have a yearly competition called the "Shoot-out" in which teams randomly choose from three different area: a Genre (Musical, Mystery, TV-Commercial, Reality Show, etc), a Prop (which has to figure prominently in the film), and a Line (which must figure into the script). Once the selections are made, they have 48 hours in which to plan, script, film, edit, and provide an original score. There were 29 teams entered. Entries were due back at 7:30 Sunday night and my son told me that at 7:20, he was still writing out to DVD :eek: Their genre: the dreaded topic "Instructional Video," but apparently they made it a fun film.</p>

<p>In 2004, what would have been the winning entry arrived 2 minutes late and was thus ineligible, but went on to be MTV's Student Film of the Year and earned the team not only a trip to Sundance, but funding do do a feature length film that is in post-production now.</p>

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<p>We have the ability of seeing some of our S's performances and other activities live even though he is 2000 miles away. The Apple iSight camera combined with the university wireless network allows for real-time viewing of events. All one needs is a buddy who will point the camera. It even has sound.</p>

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<p>Now that is something! I got a preview of the isight this weekend with my son popping up on my computer screen saying "Hi Mom." It reminded me of the telephone conversation in 2001 Space Odyssey from earth to moon. But for concerts: you all must have a new laptop?!</p>

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<p>I can relate to this. Both my kids went away unexpectedly during high school. My daughter went as a rising junior (Interlochen) and my son was just a freshman. It was difficult, especially with her so far away. My son was only 3 hours away (for the first two years). We felt like we missed a lot, but the experience my D got was worth it. We made the most of our weekends going to visit her and seeing her performances. We made friends with other parents and kept in touch with the via email. I still feel cheated out of a lot of the high school experience. I won't re-hash my son's path through high school right now, but his journey turned out to be the right one for him. We have made parent-friends at his current school and tried to get up there for cross country and track meets whenever we can (he thinks we come too much).<br>
When D came back to Texas for college, it was a real bonus. S will still be far away.</p>

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<p>dig,</p>

<p>yep this is a big one for me. I was the football mom/concession stand mom for YEARS, since they all started Pop Warner and Little League at seven and then all the way up through high school. With DD it was gymnastics for 5/6 years and then 4/5 years of swim/dive. Throw in band performances for all my trumpet players and cheer squad and I was crying like a baby every Friday night!!!</p>

<p>They are all doing their sports and ECs far, far away and having a great time. They do call and yak all about it, and send home the event(s) t-shirts they collect, at least I have that.</p>

<p>I know I posted this last year, AND the year before about having a hard time, especially those Friday nights!!!</p>

<p>Kat</p>

<p>ps I am so dreading having #4 leave, he has probably been the busiest, so the gap wasn't so big for the past 2 years, but with him leaving......</p>

<p>going to look for a kleenex, thanks dig</p>

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<p>How funny! I just had a conversation about this earlier today via IM with S. Even after a year and a half, the disconnect doesn't get easier. Fortunately for me, if he sees me online he'll usually pop on (while in class) to say hi and give me a brief update about the things he forgot to tell us the last time we spoke, or how an exam went etc.</p>

<p>I asked him a follow up question today about something he had committed to do. He ranted a bit about how my meddling sometimes gets on his nerves before I explained (tongue planted firmly in cheek) that it is not only a parent's prerogative but also their mission to meddle and worry about their kids......even when they are 30 or 40! He laughed and added that it was also our penance.</p>

<p>He is so very busy at school that I am constantly reminding him to be careful about burning the candle at both ends, but with typical youthful hubris, he scoffs and admonishes me to stop worrying. Between a heavy course load that includes the second half of honors orgo plus anatomy and physiology, spending countless hours working on a publication that he and a group of friends started last Spring with university funding, and playing in his band, I'm not sure when he sleeps. His band has developed quite a following on campus and in town and they are now headlining at local music venues in and around Chapel Hill. They have a great website that keeps us abreast of their appearances and also let's us hear about 10 of their original songs. </p>

<p>He turns twenty-one in April. Not being able to celebrate that big moment in his life with him is still not sitting well with me and I keep threatening to take a trip to NC sometime around the date, knowing full well that he'd much rather celebrate the actual date with his circle of friends.....Sigh.....</p>

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<p>overseas: He has an inexpensive iBook, and the iSight works great. He even gave a walking tour of the campus to family friends.</p>

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<p>eadad</p>

<p>My son plays bassoon (like your daughter). He will be in Sacramento for an all state orchestra on his 18th birthday....we will see him the following day as we will drive up for the concert, but still, a little sad to miss his birthday.</p>

<p>Has your daughter ever played contrabassoon? They just asked if my son would like to play contrabassoon in Sacramento....</p>

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<p>Fresnomom</p>

<p>You must have me confused with someone else (maybe with edad?) i'm sorry to say.</p>

<p>S plays guitar and D, who is senior this year, is an athlete and not a musician. When CC changed formats last year my screen name somehow changed from EAdad to eadad which I am sure adds to the confusion.</p>

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<p>Ooops!</p>

<p>Got eadad and edad mixed up!</p>

<p>Sorry!</p>