Sending best wishes to you. It must be hard (I can’t even imagine) but if I were your parent I would be so so proud of you.
Your feelings are understandable and the other word that I would use is noble
Grief is normal, and very difficult sometimes. It affects everyone in different ways. I have heard that the sad times of missing a loved one may get less frequent, but never end. I am 55; I lost my father when I was 23 and I still have times when I miss him and wish he could be here to share things with me. My wedding (I walked down the aisle alone, just could not bear to have anyone “take his place”); the birth of my child; my graduation from law school. All the amazing things my son has done (his grandpa would have been so proud!). I know I’ll miss him, and might even shed a tear, when my boy graduates from college next year. My mom too, who left us unexpectedly 2.5 years ago. In the past year I finally lost the weight she’d been bugging me about, and dyed my hair a lovely shade of teal blue, and I miss being able to share those things with her. Not to mention all the things she loved - it’s hard to eat her favorite foods, or do things she loved, without pangs. And sometimes guilt - why didn’t we do this more while she was alive? Why wasn’t I nicer to her? Grief is complicated.
It helps to be able to share your memories and sadness with someone, somehow it seems that talking about the person almost makes your missing family or friend more “present” for a little while. Or if you have a thing - my dad had this old radio, I took it and every time I see it I remember hanging out in his workshop, where he would build stuff and listen to the ballgame on it. My grandma had this old kitchen knife, it is probably 100 years old, and I still use it, and remember her every time (it’s very sharp! they knew how to make them back then). After time your memories may even be a comfort - there’s a different kind of sadness when they begin to fade.
I don’t have any wisdom, just some random thoughts and virtual hugs, and to let you know that we all go through it I different ways. Get help if you need it (you’re on the right track there), keep putting one foot in front of the other, and it’s likely to get less painful as time goes on.