Mom severely depressed - what should I do?

Parents Forum
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<p>Hi, parents! Admittedly, I've only browsed CC for a short time and haven't exhausted its resources by any means, but I figured it couldn't hurt to head straight to the parent forum for advice on my particular situation.</p>

<p>In June of 2009, my brother was hit by a drunk driver and did not make it. We are still grieving and miss him more than imaginable; he was an incredible person and I am privileged to have been his sister. The aftermath of his passing has included my mother's and my severe depression; we're both receiving treatment through counseling and medication, but she is not improving and increasingly turns to alcohol to cope. At the moment, the drinking isn't a major problem, but I want to nip it in the bud before it develops.</p>

<p>It's just the two of us. I currently attend boarding school an hour away from home and return 3-4 times a week to spend time with her, in addition to Skyping and calling once and twice each day respectively. I have no idea what I can do to help her besides possibly returning to public school for senior year. She says she is fine, but I know from her tone and her actions that she is not okay. I've contacted her counselor to ask what's happening on that front, but was met with talk about confidentiality and came up dry. I'm looking into laws about this.</p>

<p>I'm at a complete loss on what to do. It is a constant struggle to maintain my grades and extracurriculars while monitoring her mental health. Although I am still dealing with my brother's loss, I have managed to continue looking forward to the future. This brings me to the other immediate topic at hand: college.</p>

<p>As a junior, I've mentioned college to my mother in passing. Her reaction was unhappy but acceptant (I've visited my entire list independently - she's aware and uninvolved). Most of my schools are located 6+ hours away, and as application season looms closer, I'm beginning to wonder if I should plan to attend a local university that is 10 minutes from her house, decent, and not at all what I'm looking for. There is one university more to my liking in the city where I currently board, but the commute to my mom's house is not something I want to continue - it's a huge strain and totally impractical given my present and future commitments.</p>

<p>I'm completely happy where I am and very excited about the colleges I've chosen. I guess I'm trying to explore every angle with this situation since none of the options apparent to me now are at all conducive to MY happiness and wellbeing. Still, I love my mom more than anything and want her to share in my sense of closure and progress. Worst case scenario is a new school and commuting to college until she improves; I'll do what I have to do and try my darnedest to go into it with an open mind and actively seek happiness whatever happens, but I dread this situation all the same.</p>

<p>If you got through that wall of text, thank you. Fresh perspectives would be much appreciated.</p>

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<p>Hi Mirari,
I am very sorry for your loss. That is very tough to lose a brother, especially so young. You really do have a lot of worries on your shoulders at a time when, ideally, you should only have to worry about grades, homework assignments, & social stuff. I assume you have spoken to your therapist about all of this? If you and your mother both sign releases, the two therapists could speak. Perhaps you could invite your mother to one of your therapy sessions to discuss these concerns. Are there any other family members who could be enlisted as support for you both? It might be easier to leave home if you felt Mom had a better support system.<br>
I have to run to work now. I may write more later. Best wishes to you. You sound very mature and clearly write very well.</p>

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<p>At the least you might want to make her therapist or doctor aware that she is drinking heavily, which tends to negate the help the anti-depressants can provide, and can actually be dangerous.
I feel very bad that you have all of this on your young shoulders while dealing with your own grief. Please take care of yourself first. You can be there for your mother without becoming her caretaker. I agree, try to get other adult family members involved who can help. Don’t be afraid to ask. Perhaps there is a school option that is in between 6 hours away and 10 minutes?
Best of luck to you my dear, and my condolences on the loss of your brother.</p>

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<p>Ask the counselor at your school for help- there should be a medical social worker at the hospital that worked with your family- they should have suggestions.
Know that what your mom is going through isn’t your fault & that you can honor your brothers memory by doing great and doing what you need to do to make your own life.</p>

<p>I don’t disagree that you want to go farther away to college than your mom feels comfortable with. But you don’t have to make a decision now, & you don’t even have to go immediately after high school, many kids take a year off.
So look at schools but don’t feel pressured to make a decision.</p>

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<p>Good luck to you–I’m hoping your mom will turn a corner soon. Grief, as you know, takes time–some cope better than others. The alcohol is not good and I too encourage you to tell her counselor about your concerns on that front. Even though the counselor cannot talk specifically about your mom’s treatment, he/she should be aware that you are concerned.</p>

<p>I second the idea of looking for additional family/friend support for you and/or for your mom. If you can find someone else to check in with her on a regular basis, that would be good. I know it was hard for me to send my D off to college, and I have a H and am not in mourning or depressed. If you can’t find someone, can you encourage her to join a support group? Being with others more may help.</p>

<p>Last, I want you to find at least 1-2 options within an hour or two of home to add to your college apps. Then if next year, you feel like she’s not doing well still, perhaps you can stay a bit closer to home to allow her to visit/you to go home a bit more often.</p>

<p>Take care, and my condolences to you and your mom.</p>

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<p>Confidentiality rules may prevent the counselor from talking to you about your mom but they don’t prevent you from telling the counselor things about your mom. You can write a letter if you want. That way, there will be no implication that the counselor communicated anything to you.</p>

<p>Good luck. You sound like a wonderful child.</p>

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<p>Thanks for the advice and encouragement, everyone.</p>

<p>I did tell her therapist about the drinking and how she’s doing overall; the therapist said she would talk to her about it. I just wanted to make sure I’m covering all my bases. I hadn’t seen my therapist in three weeks due to schedule conflicts, but I saw her yesterday and updated her on the situation. She told me that I should be my top priority and to keep putting my schoolwork and commitments first. I gave her my mom’s counselor’s number and signed a release. Talked to my mom about it this morning and she’s also going to sign one.</p>

<p>As for colleges, I am looking more into options closer to home. I think I’m going to add two LACs to my list, one two hours away and one on the other side of town.</p>

<p>In the meantime, I managed to get tickets to a concert for one of her favorite singers. Hopefully that will cheer her up, at least temporarily!</p>

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<p>@Mirari… I am so sorry for your loss. As a parent, I do not even want to try to imagine what losing a child must be like. I can understand your mothers depression. I feel bad that you have lost a sibling and a mother. </p>

<p>That said, I think you need to get on with your life. </p>

<p>You have to do what is best for you. You can not “make” your mother happy. I just fear that if you pick a college close to home that you will not have the ability to “make” your mother happy and you might start to resent what you gave up to help her. </p>

<p>My suggestion is that you select your college without regard to your mothers needs. You discuss with your therapist how to get over the guilt and why it is not your responsibility or in your control to “make” your mom happy again. </p>

<p>You can discuss with her therapist what you are going to do and then her therapist can help her prepare for the change. </p>

<p>It will take time, but your mother can get better. </p>

<p>Listen to your therapist and make yourself your number one priority. I am sure you if you had a daughter you would want her to follow your therapist’s advice and you would not want her worrying about you. </p>

<p>Take care and like the others have said you are a great daughter and you should not feel otherwise.</p>

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<p>I am very sorry for your loss and for your mother’s and for your brother’s. I’m going to agree with most of the other seemingly heartless adults on this topic; you need to take care of yourself. You can’t fix your mother; you’ve tried. This isn’t your fault; you aren’t capable of fixing someone else. All you can do is love her. If/when she fixes herself, she will be pleased that you are a success (which you will obviously be!). If she never manages to fix herself, at least she won’t have the guilt of knowing she dragged you down with her.</p>

<p>Good luck, and may God bless you both.</p>

10

<p>What a sad story.</p>

<p>My mother was widowed when my brother was only 16. Years later it emerged that following my father’s death he felt responsible for my mother’s happiness much as you do. My mother was terribly upset to find this out, she didn’t realize he felt this way and she was very sorry to hear of this burden he had carried. She even said that noone is responsible for anyone else’s happiness, that is there responsibility, even in extreme circumstances such as yours.</p>

<p>It took a long time but my mother did learn to be happy again. I’m not surprised that your mother is still in the midst of grief, it hasn’t been that long since your brother passed. Down the road I think she would rather know that you didn’t give up something big for her. Go to the college you most want to attend.</p>