[quote=@dustyfeathers]
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Meaning: if a parent relinquishes responsibility and control, the student becomes independent.
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It is not easy for a young person living in their parent’s home without dependent children to walk into HRA and get PA. If you are able bodied, they make you work for the PA check.
There have been a lot of changes since you and I went to college.
At many deep pocket meet 100% demonstrated need, many of them have provisions in place that you can be independent for federal aid, but you will not be independent for institutional aid until age 27 or minimally prove 5 years of self sufficiency.
They also have provisions in place if you start as a dependent student, you finish as a dependent student even if you have a life event that makes you independent.
Even if OP would hsve to go to SB, she could still have her own identify. Join her own clubs, make her own friends.
What year is the brother in?
^*identity
Make a list of all the safety features Binghamtom has. Remind her that there are thousands of young women on the Binghamton campus who stay safe because they take precautions. (there are probably likewise crimes that actually happen at StonyBrook too!)
Safety seems to be a smokescreen…why does your mom REALLY not want you to leave? Girls travel across the country to go to school. Binghamton is not that far away.
Bottom line, I’d tell her Stony Brook is not an option for you. If she can’t stomach Binghamton, you’ll take a gap year, work, and consider your options.
I live not too far from Binghamton, and have been to the campus. It feels completely nice and really safe to me. If you could get your mom to go visit the campus with you, I wonder if she would feel a lot better about the option. You could also put in writing how often/what type of communication you are willing to do with your mom, to ease her mind. I also know a very nice girl who goes to Binghamton, so message me if you think a personal connection might help, & maybe I could put you in touch. I like the idea of asking your mom to call the security dept. at Binghamton, also.
If you do a web search, you should be able to find the crime stats for each school to compare them. The reality is that wherever you go there will be crime but most can be avoid by taking the right precautions.
I have a solution that’s guaranteed to work.
First off…don’t argue. Simply say…Mom, I’m an adult now, and I will choose my own college. I will NOT be attending the college you choose for me. Period.
And simply leave it there. Any time she tries to talk to you about anything to do with college…repeat: Mom, I’m an adult now, and I will choose my own college. I will NOT be attending the college you choose for me. Period.
DO NOT GET ANGRY. DO NOT FIGHT. DO NOT GET DRAWN INTO AN ARGUMENT. Simply state the fact, and close your mouth. Go do something else.
Now, here’s what you do to make this work:
You go and see a military recruiter. You get all the pamphlets and the free crap they give kids, You get the business card of a recruiting officer. Make sure to get some pamphlets about the GI Bill for education.
And then, you leave all this stuff around your bedroom. Pin the recruiting officer’s card to your bulletin board.
When your mother throws a fit…and she will…tell her that joining the military at 18 will allow you to make your own choices. That you’d prefer to go to the reasonably priced college of your choice, but that you will join the military instead if she continues to infantalize you.
Do what my kid did…Look your mom in the eye and say…Mom, I love you, but with or without your approval, I need to live my life as an adult now. You can support me, or choose not to support me. I would really love it and appreciate it if you supported me.
As much as you’d think this would send an overprotective mom into hyperdrive…for me…it made me feel a whole lot more confident in my daughter’s ability to stand up for herself, make her own choices, and be in charge of herself. If she could stand up to me…and I know it was tough for her…if she could do that? I knew that no one could take advantage of her or lead her to do anything she didn’t want to do. It actually gave me a huge sense of confidence and peace.
By the way…I wanted my kid going to a “safe” school that was close to home.
She’s going to the school she picked.
And yep, I’ve gotten used to it…and am so very grateful I don’t have to live with regretting my interference. (or her resenting it)
MaryGJ’s style of negotiating may work, but it sure does sound funny. If my child came to me then, and told me he was an adult but hoped I’d support him, I would have laughed at the inconsistency.
But I can see the scare of military service might be effective bargaining tactic.
I don’t know, the military service scare doesn’t sound like a good idea to me.
But I like this:
You could point out that your mom encouraged you to apply widely and you were willing to forego some of the schools because they were unaffordable. But that you really think that Bing is the better fit for you.
And I would take @MakeMom up on her offer.
I’m with you this time…Bing and Stonybrook are very similar! If Stonybrook is not far away, then Bing is not that far away.
My daughter went to Binghamton and had no issues.
Careful. This could backfire spectacularly in two ways:
If the parent happens to be a military veteran or knows someone who has served for a stint, s/he may take umbrage at the perceived insult of using the possibility of military service as a “threat”.
The parent(s) may call the bluff and tell the student to “go ahead”. A few may even accompany the student to the recruiter/invite the military recruiter of their own accord.
If you can type out how you feel here, you can speak up respectfully to your mother. You are a young adult, this is your future, and this is where you’ll be spending the next four years (hopefully). Let her know how you feel and how it’s unfair you can’t control your future. Once you think about it, we are not safe anywhere. Doesn’t matter where you go to college. Even get your school counselor to talk to her if it’s that serious
BTW - A guest speaker at meeting just this morning mentioned how she joined the Navy because she was defying her mother’s wishes. She spent nearly a decade in the service and was able to use her benefits to earn three degrees.
I knew my daughter wasn’t joining the military even though she came home with a free movie pass, a water bottle, a watch cap with US Marines on it. Even though she received a lot of emails, calls, and letters from the Marines, I knew she wasn’t joining. She talked to the recruiters because they were giving away free stuff and she won a bent-arm-hang or pull up contest to get the free movie ticket. At her college orientation, I was talking to the ROTC guy because he had good stuff to give away - including a LOT of money. There were still scholarships and other aid available. Daughter had no interest.
Disagree with @MaryGJ. If either of my daughter left a lot of military brochures around, I’d say go for it. Get the GI Bill money. I have a friend who just retired after 24 years with the coast guard. Joined at 18, they paid for her undergrad, grad school, and each of her kids had 2 years of GI Bill money
I actually agree with cobrat!!!
Cardinal rule of parenting; don’t make idle threats and empty promises.
If mt daughter said that to me
We are only hearing one side of the story and Op is sharing her take of woe.
True story - one of my students got into a disagreement with parent and told parents she was leaving on mondayy Parent opened the door and said ok, leave. Kid left mom called school at 7:30 am yesterday to tell us what happened. Called kid to my office who wants to know if she can go back home. She went home last night so much for that
Note: student is a newly minted 18 year old who felt the need to flex her adulthood. Mom cut off phone and credit cards when she walked out the door
If a Mommy is so overprotective she can’t even stand the idea of her sensible daughter choosing her own college…she would sell a kidney and beg… to keep that kid out of the military in this political climate.
Threatening enlistment will work. It might be manipulative and wrong…but a mother who insists on picking a college is ALSO manipulative and wrong…particularly when this girl is making reasonable and practical choices.
Which is worse? Inappropriately controlling your kid’s life? Or emotionally blackmailing your parent to break free of that inappropriate control?
Not all parents assume the military, especially stateside is as/more dangerous than far away colleges.
In fact, I’ve known parents from my old NYC neighborhood and in other areas of the country who genuinely thought the military provided a much safer/protected environment than far away colleges/universities. Yes, I know this may sound weird* to some.
** Vast majority of college aspirants avoided the military academies because the minimum service obligation for a military academy graduate in my parents’ society of origin in the '50s was a MINIMUM of 10 years with the government reserving the sole right to extend one’s service well past that. Something most viewed more as a prison sentence than a good long-term career move unless one failed to gain admission to any of the nation’s universities(Military academies there had lower academic/admission standards…especially the main military academy for career Army officers) or lacked post-college/mandatory military service career options.
I wouldn’t use military service as a threat. I did use it as an option. Have always been grateful for the experience.
Hmm… Your mum loves you and wants to protect you. She may be coming at it the wrong way but is doing what she believes is best for you. Please do not threaten her or throw her love back in her face by telling her you’ll do what you want because you’re 18 etc. Speak to her with maturity - as you’ve done here. And show her the post of @DadTwoGirls. I think it’s brilliant. Probably too late now though.