Ok I’ve worked so hard to get into colleges and my mom always said that I could go to whatever I wanted. I was super greatful to find out I’ve been accepted to Boston university, university of Florida, NYU, Binghamton, Stony Brook, Fordham, and George Washington University. So, after discussing it with my mom we decided that we can’t pay for NYU, Boston, or GWU which I understand I could never ask my mom to pay that amount of money if we can’t afford it even if they were my favorite ones. I got scholarships from Stony Brook, Binghamton, and Fordham, and Florida but Florida can get expensive since I would have to fly there and back for breaks.
I’ve decided to go with the cheapest offer (Bing or Stony) and I chose Binghamton but all of a sudden my mom won’t let me go away because she’s too scared something bad will happen to me. That isn’t fair to me, she isn’t letting me go to the college of my choice because something MIGHT happen? I find it ridiculous and unfair. She wants me to go to Stony Brook because my brother goes there, but he got to pick what college he wants to go to and he picked Stony but I’m not allowed to make a choice about where I attend for four years? Personally, I don’t think Stony Brook is a good fit for me I want a mixture of fun and studying but everyone at Stony is a super serious student plus I don’t really get along with my brother and I don’t want to be in the same place as him. Binghamton gave me more money than Stony Brook so she’s not even picking the cheapest one.
I had an awful time in High school and I’m afraid college is going to be another awful four years. Everyone says college is fun but I don’t think I will get the typical college experience now. It’s so annoying to go to school and hear all my friends talk about how excited they are to go away for college in Massachusetts, Florida, Wisconsin, Illinois, and California. But I’m stuck on Long Island which is basically nothing but rich people, strip malls, and Delis. If I were a boy she would let me go, she’s says I’m too delicate and weak to take care of myself which doesn’t make any sense because my other brother is going away and I doubt he could defend himself if anyone attacked him. All I wanted was to have a dorm room at college and be independent, I wouldn’t drink or do drugs or party every weekend until I pass out. It’s not like I would never come back I mean I would return home for every break.
Has anyone else ever been in a situation like this? The thing with my mom though is she led me to believe I could go away and pick a college that fit me the best then all of a sudden she changes her mind and I’m not allowed to go to the college I want to. I don’t know what to do I’ve tried talking to her so many times she won’t hear it.
While technically true that at 18 you don’t need permission, you might find utility in her money. That money might have strings attached.
If that’s the case, think of this venture as a partnership and in a partnership sometimes people make compromises for the other party. She’s giving up enough to buy a house in the Midwest. You might have to be flexible on geography for a couple more years. It’ll work out in the long run.
It was really mature of you to adjust your expectations cost wise. I’m disappointed for you that she has broken a promise. Unfortunately you probably need her money to go to school at all so try to get along. I’m not familiar with NY locations. Is she making you live at home? Maybe you can save up so you can fund a dorm room next year. Keep in mind the thousands of kids who are finding out right now that they can’t go to any college.
Is there a trusted teacher, or your school counsellor you could talk with about this? It is late to be addressing this since today is signing day, but perhaps someone with experience and knowledge of how students from your school do in college would help your mother’s feelings. I’m wondering if my mother is like yours. Rational, clear thinking, reasonable, until it came to me. Then unfounded fears came into it. My mother would listen to other reasonable adults though, and maybe that would help you. I hope you solve this in they way you want.
Posts 1 and 2 are correct. And yes, most everyone that has attended college probably had colleges on their list that parents weren’t as fond of.
At 18, you can go anywhere you can afford to go and will accept you. No one can tell you how to run your life or your finances, at 18. But your mom is over 18 also, and you can’t tell her how to run her finances. I recommend you find solid reasons about schools they aren’t as fond of in hopes you can persuade her to see it your way.
But if you are unsuccessful, and want your mom to pay/help pay your bill, then you will have to accept that she can spend/not spend her money as she sees fit.
Is she really forbidding you to attend some schools, or is it that she refuses to pay for certain schools?
If, in the past she said- “you can go to any college you want, and I’ll pay for it” then she is breaking a promise. If she didn’t add the last part about her paying for it, then she isn’t breaking a promise.
You are 18 and at last resort you can move out of the house and become an independent student. That would mean completely supporting yourself for at least a year (check on the details), or maybe longer, and I think you'd need to get a job that pays your health insurance. And you'd need a trail documenting that you are independent, such as emails with your parents that say as much. Your parents could not support you or take you off of their income tax as a dependent. Carefully check the FAFSA.gov website for all of the rules before doing anything rash. If you do become an independent student, as many thousand of students have done in the past, you are entitled to FA based on your tiny income, which means that you'd be eligible for more financial aid. This is clearly a difficult road to travel, but it's not impossible. Some colleges welcome nontraditional students and give them extra perks. I know of a young person who just moved out of parents house to a state halfway across the country. This person worked small jobs to save bus money, and before leaving found a position and a place to live, and enough for a return ticket, should things go south. This person also opened a bank account and otherwise set up an independent life. This person is also planning to attend college, but not for a few years, knowing that colleges are always out there and waiting. There's no rush. FAFSA will allow you to do this if you can document that you are completely independent. You should also check your target colleges to see their policies. Some schools, though you are independent, will seek confirmation directly from your parents that confirm they will not support you.
Binghamton to my mind is a nicer campus situation compared with Stony Brook. It's a residential campus while Stony Brook is a commuter campus. Probably the best approach to winning your mom over is to find out what worries her and write them down. Make a list and don't cross anything off or tell her she's silly in any way. Just write them down and say "mm-hm, I understand" or "oh I see." Show that you are considering her issues. Then see if you can alleviate her concerns one by one. If she's concerned bout crime? Ask if she would call the campus security of both schools and talk with them, that sort of thing. My bet is that once she sees that you are being overly generous by listening to her and the amount of maturity this takes PLUS that her fears are unfounded by doing the research with you, I imagine that she will see that you can handle Binghamton.
@Dustyfeathers , you have been on CC long enough to know that an 18 year old cannot become independent for TUITION and FAFSA purposes merely by moving to a state or moving into an apartment and getting a job. Stay instate and sure, you have instate rates but you do not get to file FAFSA as an independent until you are 24, get married, join the military, support a child, etc. Some states might allow you to establish residency for tuition purposes (Utah and Missouri do) but for FAFSA you are still a dependent.
To the OP. I agree that you should get to pick your own school, but I’m not your mother and I’m not paying for your college. You have the option of not going to Stony Brook, and either not going to school at all or going to a community college or city college near your home. You can try to get your mother to see your side. Has she been to Bing yet? Can you get her to go look at it, tour the dorms? Can your brother help by telling your mother about college, how you each want your own space (although really, with 25000 students, you’ll rarely see each other; I went to the same school as my brother, I could see his apartment from mine, but I never saw him).
@twoinanddone Here are the FAFSA rules. According to this guideline, a person can be considered independent if they are self-supporting youth who is at risk of being homeless. A person would need to show through emails that the family will not have them back. Yes the happens and it happens before age 24/. There are families that say: don’t come back. I never said “merely” by moving out of state. I said that they had several rules that needed to be followed including an email chain of events-- https://studentaid.ed.gov/sa/fafsa/filling-out/dependency#dependent-or-independent
They are also independent if they file to become an emancipated adult. I know a young student who did this during high school as a sophomore, and lived independently with a job in addition to school.
For NYS aid I think you have to be even older. @sybbie719 would know.
I would try not to bite the hand that feeds you. You will need your mom to fill out FAFSA with you, the family income might qualify for TAP, Pell or Excelsior scholarship.
It might be too late now, but I would try to talk to your mom and tell her that you would really like to go to Bing, and that you would prove to her that you are responsible if she will give you a chance.
Here are CUNY guidelines for independents. There is no age minimum, as with the FAFSA guidelines. You need to meet ONE of the conditions, not all of them. Being age 24 is just one possible condition.
Having “unusual circumstances” is also a condition for CUNY and it needs to be backed up through documentation, which is why I was saying you need an email trail.
And there is not one thing in the OP that would indicate this student is self supporting or at risk of being homeless. In fact, the mother wants her to stay CLOSER to home. She can certainly leave home and become independent at age 18, but that isn’t going to change the FAFSA filing rules or probably get any more aid.
Being emancipated takes more than just leaving home and getting a job. It is a court order issued before a child is 18 because that child is self supporting (not going to be, already IS) and able to make her own adult decisions. Child actors are sometimes emancipated because they can support themselves and want to make their own contract and financial decisions. If a child cannot make their own decisions or handle their own finances, a court appointed guardian may be needed and then an order of emancipation would not be granted.
For the vast majority of students, they are a dependent for FAFSA purposes until the year they turn 24 (or get a 4 year degree)
As a parent, I can understand that it is scary for a daughter to go far away for university. I had a significantly younger (high school) daughter go quite far away for an exchange program, to a country where I don’t even speak the language. It was very scary when she left, and I think it was probably scary for her too. However, she did very well there, and came back having made good friends in a foreign land and having had a great experience. She also came back nearly bilingual with greater confidence that is useful now that she is about to go away for university. She stayed with a family that has a daughter the same age, and who came to stay with us later. When the other girl came to stay with us she was very shy and quiet and probably home sick. After nearly three months at the airport when she was leaving to go home she and my daughter were hugging each other and calling each other sister. I had tears in my eyes when my daughter left the first time, and tears in my eyes again when our exchange student left to go back to her other (original) family.
Parents need to understand that we won’t be around forever. A big part of university is for the “young adult” (usually an 18 year old) to be able to live sort of partly independent of parents, but not completely independent, and to to this with many other students the same age who are also learning to be on their own. A university might not be quite as safe and cuddly as home or a high school, but it is still a relatively safe place for an 18 year old to learn to be on their own. There are adults there whose main job includes making sure that you will be okay (such as a resident advisor (RA) in the dorms, and your academic advisor). You also picked a university that is close enough that if need be you can be home or your Mom can be at your university in just a few hours.
I think that you have showed considerable maturity in choosing from among universities, and picking one which is both academically very good and financially affordable. I hope that your Mom can understand that your going away to university is an important part of becoming an adult, and that helping you become a responsible adult is pretty much your Mom’s main job (just as helping my daughters become responsible adults is my main job).
I don’t know whether this will help or not, but if you want you could show this post to your Mom and let me say to her: Mom, I know this is difficult. I know that you will have tears in your eyes when you drop you daughter at university in September, just as I will have tears in my eyes when I drop my daughter off at her university. But this is a necessary part of helping her become an adult. She can do it, and should do it.
I find your mother’s insistence you attend Stonybrook and your descriptions of both schools to be a bit odd from my own experiences as a native New Yorker.
While Stonybrook is an academically respectable school and one of the top SUNY university centers, Bing was considered the top SUNY university center with the highest minimum GPA cutoff for admittance. Certainly higher than Stonybrook when I was applying to colleges in the mid '90s*.
Also, both schools have different strengths with Stonybrook being strongest in the health/technical sciences and Bing being strongest in the humanities, social sciences, and business.
Minimum GPA cutoff when I was a HS senior in the mid '90s was 85/100 for Stonybrook, 90/100 for Bing. .
Lets take being independent for CUNY one step at a time and why at this time it will not work for OP:
Basic Criteria for Independence
Being 24 Op is not 24
Orphan or ward of the court - OP is already 18
Emancipation - NYS does not emancipate minors
Legal guardianship -Op is already 18
Veteran or armed forces - Op can join the military
Graduate student - Op must first complete undergrad
Married - She can do that, I would not recommend it just to get financial aid
Legal Children/dependents - this won’t happen for at least 9 months. Will cost more than what she is receiving in FA to raise a kid
Homelessness -Op would need to have been an unaccompanied minor on/after July 1 when she filed the FAFSA and would need a string of paperwork from the school’s Mckinney Vento Liaison
Unusual circumstances- she would need a lot including court documentation/ACS paperwork. It is not an unusual circumstance because you and your parents are not agreeing on what college to attend.
Op will not be eligible for NYS aid until she is 35
So if she has a stem scholarship, an excelsior scholarship, TAP, Pell, she needs to file a FAFSA every year. No cooperation from parent, no $$
It seems that this COULD be a special circumstance and is a special circumstance for many kids–
Meaning: if a parent relinquishes responsibility and control, the student becomes independent.
–meaning he or she is living on his or her own and is receiving aid from the state as an independent person.
Seriously: there are circumstances where kids are kicked out of the house or leave, and the state should recognize that. These clauses to my mind indicate that the state DOES recognize that.
You can be determined independent well before age 22.
Look: full disclosure, both my husband and myself were declared independent. This was a long time ago, but families do kick their kids out. Or families are poor and can’t support them. parents abandon kids. It happens. Those kids still have a chance to go to school. There are provisions before age 22.
More, these restrictions in NYS seem, to my read, more stringent than federal guidelines.
I have never said that OP can attend school in five months or whenever. It may take a few years to get things in place, but it’s possible for a person to strike out on their own and get a good college degree. There are several schools, top schools even, that welcome independent students with unique perspectives. The schools will give their own independency tests, which can be painful because the parents need to again declare that they cannot or will not support the child, but these things do happen.