<p>So my S graduated from Fordham in May, not MT but I thought I'd post here since so many of the threads seem to discuss issues our Theatre kids will face post college as well. And I would like some thoughts on gifts.</p>
<p>My S was a child professional actor represented by a management company who worked with multiple agencies. I always got a holiday gift for the office. Not anything for individuals specifically just a nice gift basket that I sent early in the season before they got sick of holiday fruit and treats. I never thought to get anything for an agent or casting director or the individual managers during the holidays or at any other time...it just didn't enter into my mind. I really approached his career as an extra curricular activity and it was...we just happen to live in NY so there were some exciting things to do. And he got paid for them but so did the manager and agent. When he left the business after 5 1/2 years to focus on school, I sent individual gift cards to the managers. Not a ton of money but still pretty generous. But by then I thought to do it because of a conversation with another mother who told me that she always got something for everyone involved in casting her kid. So for every time her kid booked something, she sent out thank you notes and gifts to the individual manager who got the audition, the agent if there was one and the casting director. It surprised me because I had never thought about it but it also didn't sit quite right with me at the time...it just felt more like a bribe for future opportunities than a genuine thank you. But that's me. And again, I was treating this like an extra curricular activity not like a business. So now fast forward. My S has graduated and is back in the business. And it is no longer an extra curricular so I think some feedback on this issue would be helpful. </p>
<p>So first of all any thoughts on holiday gifts and who "should" be on the list and dos and don'ts would be helpful. And I wouldn't mind hearing what you all think about gifts for bookings and casting directors as well. I'm not really much of a card or gift person myself so I just feel a little clueless and for a variety of reasons, I will probably be the person making any purchases at this point in my S's career. I get that this may be handled differently in different areas of the country and I definitely want any and all thoughts on this but NY specific will be most helpful. And while we're at it...an appropriate gift range for the Super of his Brooklyn building would be appreciated as well!</p>
<p>As far as the building super goes, I think cash is always the most appreciated. Here are some guidelines from last year as to how much is appropriate. Being that your S is very young, I doubt that anything is expected, but something on the low end of these ranges would be appropriate and appreciated.:</p>
<p>As far as gifting agents, managers, etc… I have absolutely no personal experience with this. But my instinct is to think a small personal card or gift is appropriate if you have worked closely with someone. And to me I would think something small but meaningful like a book you think they might like, a favorite treat or something like that. I would stay way from anything with a specific $ value on it . Again, given his age and that he is just re-entering the industry, I don’t think much, if anything would be expected from your S. </p>
<p>I’m interested in the responses. My kid had an agent when she was a child and now again has one as a professional out of college. Neither time have I heard of giving such gifts to the agent or casting directors. If it happens, this is new to me. I imagine my D writes notes of thanks to all involved. </p>
<p>To my knowledge, gifts to agents/casting directors are NOT at all common – thank you notes, absolutely; maybe something small if your agent has crossed over into personal friendship level.</p>
<p>My recommendations are from a very particular point of view, which is colored by the duration of these relationships and the frequency with which we connect face to face. Talent agency offices are overwhelmed with fruit baskets and candy starting now straight through to New Year’s, yet plenty of people keep sending them. Some clients choose to mark a different holiday at another time of year or randomly send a basket of sandwiches when the whim strikes. If your agent or one of the assistants is someone with whom you have an actual personal ongoing relationship then it’s fine to acknowledge the holiday but he should really write a note that is really from him and really reflects their prior interactions. No alcohol. No desk trinkets. </p>
<p>Casting Directors and Producers: No. Again, the exception would be a casting director he’s booked a ton through and a producer he’d been working with for six months or more. More appropriate is to send a quick postcard when the casting director books you on a big big big gig, appreciating her involvement. The contact is directly tied to a shared business success.</p>
<p>Cash <em>only</em> to building staff: No matter what you give the super, he will want more. If he’s helped you (plumbing, stuck window) and you didn’t tip him then, bump your holiday tip up a bit. Be sure to begin as you mean to continue. Give the super an amount you are sure you will be able to afford next year.</p>
<p>Y’know, I was about to go back and fix the pronouns but the confusion above reflects the situation you describe. Please take this in the empathetic spirit that it is intended. A professional adult needs to write notes (or buy gifts if he’s moved to do so) and fully own that task as part of his career. Your son’s agents know what he’s earning and they know what kind of guy he is and how likely he is to buy gifts…so it might well be clear that the gifts came from someone else. and not much of a mystery about who that someone is. </p>
<p>It must be hard to let go of the level of involvement that a parent has with a child actor - keeping it all together and moving things forward - but now he is out of college and there should be no perceptible parental hand in your son’s interactions with industry professionals. His mileage may vary. Yours too. :"> </p>
<p>So first of all I want to thank you all for replying. Some of the feedback was really helpful. </p>
<p>I also want to point out @vocal1046 that I appreciated much of what you had to say…quite a bit, actually. But you don’t know me or my S, so the comments insinuating that I am overly involved and need to let go or that he is anything but a professional adult are unfounded and hurtful and no, it’s not bc it’s too close to home. But yes, if it’s that big a deal, the funds for any Holiday gifts will come out of my pocket this year bc six months out of school he just isn’t earning enough to pay for any extras. I honestly don’t see the difference between what I asked and conversations about when our kids might join equity or what kind of survival jobs they might find to be any different. I mean, seriously, just bc he was a child actor, you had to go THERE???</p>
<p>I feared you would misunderstand, @sandkmom. I was perhaps clumsily saying that given how rough it is for all of us to separate, it must be even harder if your child’s career has been in your hands up til now. As I understood your post, you mentioned that you had been handling this sort of thing and wanted advice on continuing. Nothing negative. I also didn’t say anything about who should pay for gifts. Of course we all support our children economically when they are starting out! No judgement there at all. I don’t think I cast any aspersions on your support and I am deeply sorry if that’s how it read to you. I made a point of saying that a perceptible parental hand would perhaps be unwise. Whether or not you give a hand behind the scenes is entirely at your son’s discretion, of course.</p>
<p>As far as professionalism goes, I was talking about appearances. If a young professional, like your son, is the gift giving type then he should follow his heart. I merely wanted to be sure you are sensitive to the fact that anything that looked as if it required the efforts of a third party could damage the image of independence a young person needs starting out. I am terribly sorry you were offended. I tried to be clear that my response came from a place not of knowledge of you or your son but of sympathy for the complexity of transitioning into a new post-grad role in these matters. You mentioned that he was a child actor and I meant to be saying that the shift may be trickier for him than some who are coming later to the game. It sounds trite, I know, but several of my most respected colleagues worked full time as kids and serve on young performers’ committees now to safeguard the interests of those who followed. </p>
<p>Golly, I even used an emoticon to try to make my warmth clear as I gave you my best answers to the questions you asked. (I’m generally allergic to emoticons) It’s unfortunate and completely unintended that you received input that was not what you were seeking. Please accept my apologies. Best of luck to your son!</p>
<p>Thank you @vocal1046 for clarifying your remarks. I am definitely sensitive to the stage parent references even though people who know me have never used that term and in fact, have used the phrase “wonderfully supportive” to describe our family involvement in our S’s career. And yes, I saw your emoticon and tried to take your comments in the empathetic spirit you suggested but just couldn’t get there. I only added the info about him being a child actor as context bc I always gave holiday gifts to any coach or teacher or religious instructor and felt a gift was appropriate for the management company as well. I was ok with that all along until the other mother made me question myself because she was doing so much more. </p>
<p>I am actually thrilled not to be involved with his career. But I wasn’t handling my S’s career to begin with. He had a manager and they handled it. I took him where he needed to be like I would with any extracurricular activity and it really wasn’t easy for me being told by his manager where to be and when for 5 1/2 years or having a 6am call time in Jersey only to sit around on set for hours. So it’s not like it was all fun. But he wanted to do it and it was usually fun for HIM! And he always tells me he had the best childhood. But he’s not really transitioning from a child actor to an adult either because he’s been out of the business for years. He’s just like every other new grad looking for work. </p>
<p>I really found helpful the comments on a Super gratuity, some great low key suggestions for gifts and some of the dos and don’ts I was looking for. But I think the best of all, was confirmation that gifts to casting directors is not industry standard. For years that conversation with that woman has bothered me! Partly because the idea just felt weird to me and partly because I wondered if I messed that up for him by not doing what she did. I think everyone can agree that we want the best for our kids. That was the basis of my question. </p>
<p>There will always be someone who does more and broadcasts it. But the vast majority of actors, if they give seasonal gifts at all, extend that generosity to people who are, for want of a better word, their employees. The young assistants in your agent’s office have very low salaries and probably do far more for you than they are fairly compensated to do. Those people are included in the “fruit basket” approach. Personal gifts of any value to higher level decision-makers (who gets submitted for a job etc) can be uncomfortably close to the edge. Casting directors are not in any way your employees nor are they usually people you see daily or even weekly. You certainly will hear from some people that they do give them gifts but it’s definitely more the exception than the rule. </p>
<p>You know from that 5am call who needs/deserves a gift and whose whims are already catered to. Giving a gift to the latter (outside of an actual personal relationship) however well intended, looks like an effort to gain a competitive advantage. Celebrities give them to everyone but they have no further advantage to seek. It’s more of a share-the-wealth gesture.</p>
<p>Swag is another thing all together. Many in the old guard developed a practice of passing out pencils, pads, coffee mugs and so on with half-jokey promotions of themselves and their brand (long before folks outside ad agencies were talking about branding). The guy who did this best (because it had an additional tongue-in-cheek flair) would hand out cans of chili with his label on them and that sort of over-the-top thing. Swag has no significant intrinsic value but is flat-out promotion and done with humor, intelligence, and style can be very effective on keeping your name in front of people’s eyes. But that’s a whole other kettle of snakes.</p>
<p>Gotta say, you must be doing something very right. Neither of my teens would say they had the best childhood! </p>
<p>(I don’t remember if I already said this but if there’s other staff in your son’s building - a porter, night doorman, less visible worker - he should remember them in his holiday tipping. Nobody expects much from a kid just out of college but anything at all will be better than nothing.)</p>
<p>Sending a gift to an agent is fine. Maybe even recommended. Make it sometimes reasonable, though, and maybe even outside the box.</p>
<p>Sending a gift to a CD is too much. </p>
<p>I am sad to see the business seems to devolve more and more, though. Gifting “everyone involved in casting her kid” is frightening. A thank you note goes a long way, but an edible arrangement for getting your son a role in Sound of Music at KC Rep? </p>
<p>Any given year I employ 40+ actors/technicians. I receive maybe 1-2 gifts per season, and 5-7 thank you notes (ALWAYS appreciated). I never think twice about NOT receiving something. I have received significantly more gifts/cards from students as a college/hs acting teacher. </p>
<p>It was excruciating and a serious attempt to attach a positive tone to the post (which clearly didn’t work). Due to my inexperience, when I look at it now, I believe I chose the wrong one. It has cheeks that redden - not something I’d noticed and not consonant with my feelings…unless we’re talking about my feelings about using an emoticon.</p>
<p>Yeah. So about that emoticon @vocal1046. I read it that you found my being an over involved stage parent to be something I should be embarrassed about. And then, of course, 4 people liked your comments so…</p>
<p>I have regretted starting this thread. I did think that the conversation had as much value as any of the other conversations about recent grads some of which I referenced earlier. But I wish that I didn’t provide any personal backstory. Somewhere in there the fact that I plan to pay for any gifts that my S chooses to give got turned into me sweeping in and taking over and trying to pass them off as gifts and notes from him and I never once indicated that to be the case. I said I will probably be making these purchases…as in paying for them, and I said they were for gifts from him…as in not from me, I don’t have a relationship with any of these people. I never said I would be handling this for him and without him.</p>
<p>I was looking for ideas and for who was appropriate to include because this is business now and like it or not, sometimes there are expectations of gifts around the holidays or at other times. And it’s still not as easy as just getting a gift for his agent because he has multiple agents in different divisions of a larger talent agency. But I think we’ll just talk about it among ourselves and he can come up with a list or send cards or whatever.</p>
<p>The only other thing I would like to add about his having been a child actor is that while the hectic pace of our life wasn’t always easy for me the time we spent together was priceless. Nothing better than sitting in the car listening to your kid sing day in and day out. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything.</p>
<p>@sandkmom - I’m very glad that you started this thread! Your questions about gifts for agents and building staff are things I wouldn’t have even known to think of asking, lacking experience in this aspect of the business as well as with life on the east coast. I also really appreciate @vocal1046’s insider perspective on this and other subjects.</p>
<p>I also like emoticons, though, so my opinions may be suspect. ;)</p>
<p>I am glad you started this thread as well and the info will be used by us all one day (I hope!). Each of us has our own family dynamic and personal finances that will be very different from one another. Some will help their kids tremendously (financially) as they start their journey (that will be me) and others will take a hands off approach. All are appropriate. My daughter started acting young and we spent a lot of time in LA sitting in auditions for film and TV, driving her back and forth, finding auditions, running lines, getting work permits, etc. I know that feeling that “stage moms” get from others. Thank you for sharing your background story.</p>
<p>Oh I do think all of the responses have been very helpful! Should have said that! And I laughed out loud when I read about @vocal1046 unintentionally using that emoticon!</p>
<p>I guess the regret is just opening myself up to scrutiny. And that goes way back to when he was a kid. And then again when he was auditioning for colleges…I’m sure everyone on this board has heard from at least one person questioning why you would let your kid major in theatre. Now he’s a grad and even he’s getting a little sensitive to the questions like do you have a job and what are you going to do with a degree in Theatre? </p>
<p>I’m being sensitive, I know. And things don’t always read the way you intend them to read online. I know that as well. I guess at the end of the day, it’s just a little harder now that he is trying to make a career out of it. He’s in good shape and in good hands. I just have to trust that he will find his way in this world and I’ll still be here to help if he needs it! Thanks for getting that! :)</p>
<p>That’s it! I swear I will never try to use an emoticon again! That’s what I get for trying to fit in. I don’t know how you guys can even see them, let alone understand their messages. Ugh! Listen, I can only wish my kid would sing in the car as we’re driving to these out-of-town auditions. I have to settle for him warming up in the shower as I type this and snippets of all sorts come wafting out into the hotel room along with the steam. It’s a glorious thing to have a child who shows passion for anything. It sure as hell beats the alternative. And if help is needed paying for or picking out gifts further on down the road, I will be right there with you. I don’t know how a recent grad can even afford to cover housing, food, and transportation in the city so we’ll probably end up carrying some of that. In short, no judgement. As far as the tsp-tsking crowd who suggest that STEM majors might be a better idea, I will share that my own major hasn’t even had any employment opportunities for hundreds, maybe thousands of years and has no apparent connection to the way I’ve earned my living for thirty years. I knew what I wanted from early childhood and nothing could stop me. I share with the other parents here a deep gratification that my kid really really cares about something. A listless directionless young adult is a profoundly distressing thing. Cheers to all.</p>