<p>I saw a quote recently, I can't remember the Mom (Erma Bombeck?) that said, "I'm never happier than my most unhappy child" I wondered about that, I've known many parents who detach very easily, "out of sight out of mind" and others, that are just the opposite, but I wondered what others felt.
If your son or daughter calls you and is unhappy, does it effect you the same as the happy phone call? If they can't find a job and loans loom, do you lose sleep or just put it in a compartment in your mind and move on.
I see my sister fret more over her son's layoff than he does, I was in a bad mood one day over a depressing phone call from my daughter longer than the situation effected her (I found out later)
I also heard a woman the other day say when someone commented on her good mood, "All 3 of my children (2 in college, 1 working) are happy and content, I'm tempted to leave the phone off the hook. : ) Anyone else feel like they are on a roller coaster with their children? Mine haven't been too bad, but I am overly sensitive.</p>
<p>My daughter had a tough senior year of high school. She had her own ring on my phone and when I would hear that ring, I would feel sick to my stomach. Now she is at college, has a different ring (in more ways than one), and I like to hear the phone ring.</p>
<p>My son, whose telephone ring is like a train chugging along and blowing the whistle, is a happy-go-lucky kid from whom I have yet to receive a bad call (knock on wood), so his ring always makes me chuckle.</p>
<p>My D suffered miserably her freshman year, and we suffered miserably right along with her, although we tried not to show it too much. Ugh. I wouldn’t re-live that year for anything. MD Mom, I grew to dread the text tone on my phone; in fact, there were days when I didn’t even open her texts. It was always bad, and nothing at all I could do about it.</p>
<p>I’m not a parent but a daughter (2nd). During my college years, I always tell my Mom how hard it is to pass my subjects and it did affect her. She always tells us that all she can do is to support us emotionally and financially because she can’t be there for us physically. So all the while, it never crossed my mind how she was feeling everytime I tell her my hardships not until now that we all graduated. She’s proud about her experiences when we were studying - how happy she was when I passed all my subjects and cried when I got sick during my exam week, etc. I remember she always suffer hypertension and never bought her medicine because we needed allowance for our schooling. Looking back, I think I would do the same with my mom. She never told us her sacrifices and hardships because she’s afraid that we might lose focus on our studies. She always phones us weekly or twice a month, we don’t have mobile phones before, anyway. I’m proud to have a mom like her and I love her so much.</p>
<p>360 - Thanks for that. You sound like a very sensitive, thoughtful young woman. I’m sure your mom is very proud of you!</p>
<p>I agree. When I read, “Letting Go” a long time ago, it said they many students call when upset, but not when happy, and the poor parents only get the “glass half empty” days.
I’m sure any angst your mom had was erased the day you graduated and replaced with full pride.
Yesterday I had 2 texts, one with a relieved “I got an A” on a hard paper and a happy picture of her doing something fun on campus…her sister texted me her computer overheated and crashed when doing a paper, the pendulum swings…</p>
<p>@Psychmama - yes I am and thanks for noticing that even if you don’t actually know me. :)</p>
<p>Well, my mom never forgets to tell us how proud she is and happy having us in her life. As a daughter, it is very helpful and increases my self-confidence when you know your parents especially your Mom trusts you that much.</p>
<p>Depending on when the phone rings… But I would have to agree (and have learned first hand) that once my S unloads his angst, he usually goes on his merry way while I am left to lament his many woes. </p>
<p>Freshman year was slightly brutal, sophomore year has been filled with inertia, but it looks like Junior year may be the one to take the corner. All I can do is listen and hope his critical thinking skills are improving. :)</p>
<p>My D doesn’t tell me most of her problems but internalizes them and suffers. So i have to keep a close watch on her and constantly talk to her to find out things and support her.</p>
<pre><code> Either way they make us worry for them.
</code></pre>
<p>My 70 something mother suffers terribly from this malady (I have a moderate version). At this point in our lives, I have completely stopped telling her anything of any import in my family’s life. Even if it’s a minor problem, she is liable to blow it up in her mind and stew and fret endlessly about events she has absolutely no control over, so it’s best that I just say “everything’s just fine, nothing new” to avoid setting this off. The sad result is that we have a very superficial relationship and completely banal phone conversations. </p>
<p>DS, a college freshman, is very even keeled and not prone to ups/downs. I do stew about his things but would never let him know that. Unless the 2am e-mails starting with “maybe you should try…” are a dead giveaway :D…</p>
<p>I saw one phrase on this site – bring the drama to Mama – says it perfectly. D tells me the upsetting stuff, I worry, but she’s already cleansed of it and ready to move on. </p>
<p>When I come home from work, both kids are usually in a sour mood (tired, hungry, homework or tests looming). Once I stayed home and picked them up from school – they were happy, smiling, joking with friends. I never get to see that part of their day. I wish I had a live feed of them going about their day (esp once they’re away at college) so I could see the “up” times.</p>
<p>I have one who unloads on me, and one who internalizes. Of the two, I worry more about the latter, because I am not sure she ventilates to anyone.</p>
<p>I have made communication patterns with me an explicit issue with the one who calls upset a lot. I am willing to hear anything and everything when my kids start on this transitional phase, but expect some progress with it as they move through school and then through their 20’s. Making connections with others that involve showing some truth about themselves, or even getting used to talking with a counselor or therapist in bad times, is part of that.</p>
<p>The non-talker has to be patient with my probing questions. Even though the result might be her telling me something upsetting, I feel it is worthwhile to hear, so that she gets more used to talking with someone (who she trusts), a skill she can later transfer to others.</p>
<p>I want to be around as many years as I can for them. So balancing support and a willing ear now, with my own longevity from being spared stress, is tricky but necessary!</p>
<p>S is a drippy faucet</p>
<p>D is a fire hose</p>
<p>Both know that I (and H) love them unconditionally and they both feel safe with us so that means I get a lot of bad with a lot of good.</p>
<p>Fortunately, there have been far more ups then downs. But I carry the downs with me until they are better.</p>
<p>S will be away next year, so it will be interesting to see how the communication works. I’m not pushing it, and I was thrilled (though I only jumped up and down on the inside) when he told me last week that next year he’d have a hard time NOT talking to me about his classes. He knows I “get” him.</p>
<p>OP - I think you are normal.</p>
<p>^I love that analogy! For years, I’ve referred to D as a cat (precise, picky, very careful about where she sets down) and S as my favorite golden retriever (loose, affectionate, easy going). It’s funny – same parents, same upbringing, and temperament is so different…which means parenting accordingly.</p>
<p>Thanks, My 3 are so different, one internalizes but will let it all out at once, one talks to me a lot more, but tends to only tell me the more negative things in detail and happy things in short spurts since she is busy then… My son kept a lot to himself, handled many things with much maturity,but would call every week or so and fill me in on things. </p>
<p>I have a Mom like ihs76, except she’s 80’s now. My sister and I were lamenting how dry and banal our conversations are now, because if we filled her in too much, we are afraid she would be up nights (which has happened many times before) She always said when all my children are happy, I sleep better, deal with stress better, but when they are sad, I just can’t be happy. She can’t help that, so we provide the balance and make sure all the happy things are mentioned.</p>
<p>For the most part, I loved the additional communication texting provides. On some days, not so much… My parents never knew 99% of my college angst and troubles. How blissful for them that must have been! Older S in particular likes to get into nasty texting wars on occasion.</p>
<p>I do not detach well and I think I will be the 80 year old mother in the above posts. I will have to work on that in the coming decades. All indications are my two oldest will settle down fairly close to home. While that’s great for seeing grandkids and being a close family, I do think the down side is being relied upon at times too heavily and being too involved.</p>
<p>I definitely agree with Erma Bombeck’s quote and most days am really happy I have 3 kids, to increase the likelihood at least someone is happy. My H says kids are like hemorrhoids–just when one calms down, the other flares up.</p>
<p>About thirty years ago, after the Business and Professional Men’s Noon Basketball game at the Y, a friend was showing a picture of his week old daughter around the locker room.</p>
<p>Men aren’t as “into” the baby picture thing as women but we are not without appreciation and were commenting him on the obvious beauty, intelligence, and sweet temper of his first born.</p>
<p>I remarked:" Great looking little girl. Welcome to 60 years of continuous anxiety."
His question:“Why only 60 years?”
My answer: “That’s as long you are likely to live, Dude.”
He got a really thoughtful look on his face and sat down.</p>