Moving in with GF in College? Need advice..

Student Lounge College Life
1

My girlfriend and I are both juniors in college and have been dating for 1.5 years now. We currently live in separate apartments, but essentially “live” with each other. With the exception of some holidays and trips, we have spent nearly every night together for the last year. Our relationship is very strong and we are immensely serious about marriage in the future. Her parents live across the country, and I have visited her home several times. I recently went on a long trip with her and her father and our relationship is pretty solid. I guess my point is, I’m very close to her family at this point.

Next year, we want to share a room in an apartment because it would be far cheaper and easier for the both of us. My housemates and I have not gotten along since I moved into my place last year. My girlfriend’s housemates don’t like her either. It just seems we are too mature for the crowds we are currently living with. We don’t drink, do drugs, or partake in most of the things college kids our age do.

Nonetheless, we think living together is a good idea because we have basically lived this entire year simulating it. We shop, clean, eat, sleep, etc together. There is not a single day that goes by that we don’t see each other (if we can help it). That being said, we have lots of balance. We both have jobs this year (I recently quit mine for an unpaid internship) and we both understand college is about focussing on school. We both want each other to succeed and don’t hold each other back for anything. We both have other lives besides each other, but it would just be easier on both of us to live together.

My biggest obstacle now, is my parents… (My mother specifically.) My mother has not liked my girlfriend since we started dating presumably because she’s white (I’m Latino). My mother is a very traditional Mexican woman who believes family is more important than anything in life. She doesn’t like the idea of my independence and still treats me like a child, even though I pay for my own rent with loans/financial aid, and have never given her a reason not to trust me. I do well in school, I’ve never been arrested, I respect my parents, etc. All things considered, she still refuses to accept the idea of me living with my girlfriend. My father recognizes that I am 20, and am my own adult. He has already explained that I have to make my own decisions even if they don’t like it. That being said, he can’t go against what my mother wants because she would see that as “unsupportive.” I’m on my own for this one. I know for a fact they won’t support me financially if I go through with this.

I’m not asking if I should move in with my girlfriend or not because I am already more than certain that it won’t be a problem. We are solid, and I know we won’t break up after we move in together. And yes, I DO realize it’s a possibility. I know people change and anything is possible. But we know the chances of breaking up are extremely low. We started off a friends, and we will always be friends at the very basic level; I’d live with her even if we weren’t dating. I guess I just need advice in letting my parents go, and moving forward with college without their support. On the surface, I know it seems like a stupid idea because they definitely support my financially in times of need. I can survive without them, but they do contribute occasionally. Does anyone have experience going against their parent’s wishes and becoming fully independent?

2

In a word, “Don’t”

3

Is there any sort of compromise that might appease your mother? I ask that as someone who served as a live-in chaperone for an engaged couple. Their parents weren’t thrilled with them, but things changed a bit when they learned that we’d all have separate bedrooms and that I’d be living there too. It worked out great for all of us, and they’re now in the first year of their marriage.

One thing to try to figure out is if your mother’s objections would be as strong no matter who you were dating, or if it’s just this girl. If it’s just this girl, is there any particular reason or is it because she’s not from your culture? If she’d be upset about you living with any female-type person, there might be some wiggle room for compromise. If it’s just this person she has a problem with, then you have to decide if it’s worth the upheaval to cohabitate. Also keep in mind that if you do marry this girl, your actions now may impede an amicable in-law relationship.

4

Make sure you and your girlfriend live a good life from now on, so you can prove your mom wrong. For a while she would eventually forgive you, especially if you both take care of her when she grow old and make a few grand kids for her. But make sure that the last part is after you both got your degrees and some good pay jobs. :slight_smile:

5

You’re 20 yr. old. Old enough to make your own decision(s).

Your mother loves you, but mothers can get overly protective. I don’t know what to say about the about the race issue, except that I’ve seen it before, and it’s a bloody shame.

I don’t see what the big problem is, unless your parents provide more money than you’ve let on.

6

I’m going to be really blunt with my advice here. Get ready for a bit of tough love. This advice is coming from one of those “been there, done that” situations.

Don’t move in with your girlfriend. Figure something else out where you can live separately. OR rent a 2 br apartment but ONLY if your parents are ok with this.

Also, I only think that somebody should move in with their significant other when you’re in college if marriage is on the horizon. As in…you’ve proposed and there’s an engagement ring on somebody’s finger. Otherwise, you’re just playing house.

I especially advise you to consider this given your mom’s likely very traditional views. As you mentioned, she’s concerned that your girlfriend is not Hispanic. She’s perhaps worried that you’re going to forget about your Hispanic heritage. Maybe she’s worried that you’re going to throw away your Hispanic upbringing and forget about your extended family. Maybe she wants her grandchildren to be raised Catholic and is worried that if you marry a white girl, then the grandkids won’t be raised in the Catholic Church. Maybe she’s also worried that you’ll move far away so you won’t be able to come over for all of those fun extended family get togethers like you did before you went off to college.

If you move in with your girlfriend and then get married to her, then you are setting up your future wife for a marital life time of crappy relationship with your mom/your future wife’s MIL.

If this girl is definitely marriage material, then start how you intend to continue throughout your marriage. This begins by embracing the “leave and cleave” concept (it’s in the Bible, book of Genesis, I think). YOU will have to be the one to set boundaries with your mom on this. Your mom will likely blame your girlfriend/future wife on EVERYTHING that she doesn’t like about you, your choices, etc. She perhaps is already starting to view your girlfriend as something akin to a foreign invader…somebody who’s going to take her baby away from her. Unless you set boundaries with your mom and repeatedly reinforce those boundaries every time she steps over the line, this will be a constant source of conflict in your marriage.

People have gotten divorced over stuff like this.

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Just be prepared that if you do choose to move in with your girlfriend, that your mom may choose to not only cut you off financially but not speak to you for quite awhile. Even though your dad disagrees with your mom’s stance on all of this, he’s the one who has to live with her, which is why he is going along with your mom’s position on the matter. Ever hear of the term “Happy wife, happy life?” Your parents’ dynamic is a good example of the meaning behind that phrase.

Since you mentioned that you & your girlfriend are really serious about marriage in the future, here is some additional advice to consider. You & your girlfriend should talk about these topics together BEFORE you get married. For example:

  1. How will you handle your finances? Joint checking account or separate? File taxes jointly or separately?
  2. How will household chores be handled? Wife does it all or you split it up between the 2 of you?
  3. Do you want to have children?
  4. How many kids do each of you want to have?
  5. What religion, if any, do you want the kids raised in?
  6. Do you want 1 of you to be a stay at home parent when the kids are young or will you be a 2-income family?
  7. If family doesn't live nearby to help babysit, consider the expense of childcare and how you will pay for it. These days, it's like a small mortgage payment for full time infant daycare.
  8. Do you want your kids to go to public school or private school? If you're going to raise your kids in the Catholic faith, do you want them to go to Catholic school?
  9. Extended family - (your parents will be considered 'extended family' once you get married) - how often will you visit them? How often will they visit you and when they do visit, how long will they stay for (esp. if it involves them staying overnight)?
  10. If you're going to be a 2-income family, how will you handle situations in which 1 person's job/career advancement has to take precedence for awhile over the other person's job/career advancement?

And remember…once you get married, you and your spouse ARE a family unit. Even if you don’t have kids.

7

Have you had previous girlfriends? Has your mom liked any of them? Moms are sometimes stubbornly very hard on their son’s romantic choices. But in my experience, they get over it, usually. I am in the “follow your heart” camp. You are an adult. But, as an adult, you must be ready to deal with the financial fallout, and if you really can’t afford it, then don’t do it. Don’t go into this expecting that she will change immediately and support you financially still. Congratulations on finding someone you love! That is always something to be celebrated at any age!

8

I’m with your mom on this one. Without giving you my painful history, I’ll just say that 1) I think you’re too young to move in with someone, and 2) people who live together before marriage have a much higher divorce rate than those who don’t. You can do some online research about it if you want. If you’re going to commit to this girl, then marry her. But don’t play house before your ready for a long-term commitment.

9

My husband and I started living together when we were your age. His mom just pretended she didn’t know about it. You’re a young man. You’ve got to live your life. But bad strategy on your mom’s part. You never alienate your potential future DIL. They are the gatekeepers to your grandchildren. You could just say, Someday we’ll have your grandchildren, I hope you two get along.

10

My husband and I lived together in college and we’re still together many moons later. If you’re not reliant on $ from your folks to survive, do your own thing.

" people who live together before marriage have a much higher divorce rate than those who don’t"

Living together doesn’t cause higher divorce rates.

11

This is tricky. If you were my child I might not be thrilled with you living together in college, but I would not stop it since it’s basically happening anyway. I would likely give some type of “lecture” (yay) which would probably be annoying to hear…and then I would embrace the GF or BF with open arms. I would prefer waiting until after graduation, however …like I said… I would not try to stop it senior year.

If I were you, however, I would wait until after you graduate and are self supportive. You still rely on your parents… even if it’s only a little. I think there are too many things that need to be worked out regarding your mother. I would sit down alone ( not sure when) and have a chat with your mom regarding your relationship. Your mother is the one who is going to have to decide… she can either lose her son, or welcome a new potential DIL into the family and be happy for her child.

I wish you the best.

12

Before you decide to move in with your gf, give your mom the courtesy of hearing her out. Be an adult. Don’t discuss your living arrangements. Ask her what she is concerned about in regards to your girlfriend. Does she know you are considering marriage? Ask her how she sees herself involved as a future MIL and possible grandparent. Listen to her. Don’t get mad if she is critical. Don’t let her not answer the questions. Stay calm and focussed. Maybe do this in a neutral place, like taking her to lunch, so she can’t get upset.

Personally, I think 20 is very young to move in with a partner. I know it makes sense economically, but so much can change, and you are both still very young. I think you should just appease all paretns by keeping separate residences until you graduate. Even if her parents like you, they are still going to have reservations about their 20 year old daughter living with a man.

13

Wow, you know I think I pretty conservative with regards to partnering. Don’t share yourself or live with someone you don’t intend to marry. It’s a Catholic upbringing. Unless everyone else is expecting their kids to wait for marriage, I don’t see the big difference if you are already basically living together anyway. Next year you’re a senior and 21. You’ll have to make decisions about where to work. If you decide to live together, it certainly could cement your decision to live in the same area and move towards married which you mentioned. Or you will find that it doesn’t work which is important too so you don’t pass up other job opportunities and move near her family across the country. I think we got married two years after college and that was the only time we lived together before hand. He quit his job further away to move to me after the engagement. If you are going to make big decisions, it is not a bad idea to be sure that you get along.

14

Man 20yo and still your mom against it wow that must be one strong woman - but seriously why not?

15

Great advice to find out if your mother is against this particular woman, beyond you wanting to live with her and beyond her not being a Latina. I’ve seen families make relationships hell because of a bad start.

I would object to my children living with someone, especially before they have graduated from college. That college degree is proof that my work as a parent is successfully done and your mother may feel the same way. Tag, I’m out, Lol.

One more year. Graduate and even get married the next day, if you want.

16

@vaporwaveplus A little bit more I should have mentioned. We are actually parents in the same situation as your mom. Our now 21 year old junior is living with his GF (with her parents) who is a different race, not that we care at all about that part. As the parents of the young man, we follow the young woman’s parents lead. Are your GF’s parents fine with you two officially living together? If they are not, I would not do it. You guys are already living together. The change is you are not pretending that you don’t live together. We, as parents, don’t require kabuki theater, from our kids and at 21 I would certainly consider you an adult. When our couple started to live together sort of organically, we just made sure it was alright with her parents and started writing checks to cover any costs. Her dad likes having him there. And I’m glad to here her family supports you.

With regard to your mom’s racial prejudice, I’m sorry that you have to deal with that. I had a grandmother who was Irish and a grandfather who was Italian. That Italian great grandmother was never nice or accepting of her Irish DIL but my grandparents were the best couple ever. If your mom is all about family, let her know that your GF is becoming family to you. Does she really want nothing to do with you and your future? I also know a woman who broke up with the love of her life because her parents would not accept that he was black. They told her they would rather have her alone and miserable than marry a black man. And she is. On the positive side for your mom, she did raise a not prejudice and mature young man who is thoughtful and impressive based on your post. Hopefully love wins with you two. Maybe check out “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner.” Probably the first movie on this theme.

17

Other thoughts:

If you pay your rent, how would your mother know your living situation?

Now if you want to go out with your friends, no problem. What about when you are living to gether?

What if you break up?

If you do live together, split up chores ahead of time.

What if one of you ends up doing all the shopping/cooking/cleaning and the otherone doesn’t?

How will you split expenses? What if she doesn’t pay her share?