Me and my girlfriend are going to be juniors in the 2020 fall semester. She’s in Texas with family and is going to university there, I’m in North Carolina and going to school in Arizona. She wants to move in together because our relationship has been long distance and she isn’t liking it. I of course want to move in but I want to go to Arizona for school. I just need advice and questions that I should ask myself and her
I am a Parent Of both a current college student S with a long-distance girlfriend and a young adult D now graduated from college who dated long distance (and is now married to that long distance guy). You appear to be thinking logically and I applaud you for posting and asking for help.
Parents will usually lead with Education comes first arguments. But let’s skip to the feasibility and finances of switching schools, just to give you some talking points with your GF.
Who is paying for your education? Are you receiving scholarships? Will your parents be willing to pay for your education if you switch schools? If your new school costs more, are your parents willing and able to pay the higher costs?
Transfer students never get much aid, plus you might lose some credits or take extra semesters to get all your required courses for your major. Does the new school offer your major? If so, dig deep to see how similar their course requirements are as compared to your current school.
Coming in as a transfer student may make it harder to connect and make friends. You might only know your GF when you arrive on campus. Will she give you freedom to engage in activities and clubs to meet your own set of friends? Or will she want to have you all to herself?
If you don’t want to leave your school, what about asking her to transfer to your school? If she gives you reasons why it doesn’t make sense for her to switch, you can point out the hardships you would endure by switching schools.
This is a tough situation. But think about the sacrifice she is asking of you. College seems like a long road, but in the big picture of life it will be done soon enough. And then you can be together forever.
I might have phrased it wrong. So here’s our current living situation–
Boy- Community College living with family in NC. Transferring to ASU in Arizona.
Girl- Community College living with family in Texas. Transferring to school in Houston because it is close.
She wants to move to Arizona to be with me and isn’t worried about expenses. (We both have scholarships)
She says that there’s schools in Arizona around my school that are great fits for her.
I guess my last question is, from an adults point of view, what’s the pros and cons of this?
If she lives in Texas and has a scholarship to a school in Houston how would she pay for college in Arizona? Not being worried about expenses isn’t a plan. A plan is “I’ve been accepted to AZ State with a scholarship worth x and I can pay the balance (room, board, travel, books, and personal expenses) with help from my parents, summer work earnings, and a part-time job.” What she has now is a dream. That’s not good financial planning.
Tell her to apply to colleges in AZ. If she’s accepted with an affordable financial aid package then you have a solid plan to discuss. If she’s not accepted or the school isn’t affordable she’ll have to finish school in Texas. If she moves to AZ to be with you before applying to colleges and doesn’t get into an affordable school then she may lose residency in Texas and might not be able to afford school there either.
Who’s paying for your room and board in Arizona? If you move in together before she’s accepted to a college who’s going to be paying her share? Can you afford to support her while attending school full-time? I wouldn’t consider moving in together until both of you are self supporting and can create a budget based on your own incomes. Right now you have no idea what her expenses will be, and neither of you have a job in AZ. If you’re depending on scholarships and help from parents to cover your living expenses you’re not financially ready to live together.
On a personal side, how do you know each other? And how well do you know each other? How long has the relationship been going on? How much time have you actually spent together? If this is more of an on-line romance, things could blow up fast if you move in together. Also all of the financial points raised above are very good ones.
It sounds like your plans are firmly in place and she is trying to mold her life around yours. Fall is a long way off when you are only 19/20 years old. She could apply to colleges near ASU but she’ll need to decide if she can afford them, how she’ll pay rent, how she’ll get to school (can she afford a car), etc. All that combined with living for the first time with a significant other, in a new state, could be a lot to take on for both of you especially if you’ve never spent any significant amount of time together.
@sxsmosm Thanks for the clarity of your situation. Could you also give details of your relationship?
How and when did you meet? How much time have you spent together physically in the same place—a few days here and there, or maybe an entire summer? Have you met each other’s parents and family? Do you have parental approval and support for your relationship?
Have your friends met her, and have you met her friends? Getting to know someone and understanding how they treat their friends (and the waitstaff at restaurants) shows you their morals and values. It is important to know someone well in order to trust them with your heart.
Do both sets of parents approve of you two living together, or will you have to lie about your living arrangements In order to get parents to support you financially?
You and your GF do not exist in a vacuum, it should not be you two against the world. Each person should arrive with their own thriving world of family, friends, passions, dreams, ideas, hobbies, etc. Coming together means blending the common areas, but also having interests and activities outside the relationship. Be sure you keep links with others as you pursue a relationship with GF.
Moving in with someone too soon can wreck the relationship. And it could also prevent you from making friends with other students on campus.
You can always choose to move in together later. Give yourself at least one semester to be on your own, live with roommates and form friendships.
We both have scholarships but not from the schools. For example military scholarships or such things like that
so me and her met in Hawaii in 2008 when we were children. But we have marine families so moved a lot but always to the same state coincidentally. So we aren’t a online relationship like it may seem. But we have been long distance for some time. Our families are close friends which brought us closer. We have spent Christmas’ with each other’s families and other holidays. So we have been together for a while and see each other around every other month or two. We have “lived with each other” for 3 months but just because it was summer and her family moved somewhere before her semester ended. Been together since our senior year (2017-2018)
Are you planning to live on campus in AZ or in an apartment? Who’s responsible for paying those bills? If she hasn’t applied to any schools in AZ or been accepted there then she doesn’t havescholarships to put toward the bills in AZ, does she? She has to apply to college there, be accepted, and enroll to be eligible to receive those grants. Has she applied to any AZ schools yet?
@sxsmosm Thx for sharing details. Very different scenario than what I was imagining.
Do you picture a long term relationship with your GF? Do you want to move in together? Is your gut giving you second thoughts?
Good idea to ask questions. Do you want input/approval from your parents? And her parents?
I do picture us having a long term relationship. At some point I would like to move in. But I’m still stuck on whether it should be now or later if that makes sense. I don’t need approval but I know that I would appreciate it from both our parents