Moving overseas for two years - should my son still apply?

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

<p>Hi all - </p>

<p>I've lurked for a while on this board - you've all got great perspectives and wisdom on the prep school process. My son is in the middle of applying to BS, but last week a major twist in the family saga happened that has changed our plans. My husband has been assigned to a job overseas, and we all have a chance to be expats too for two years. He has has accepted the offer, and our family has decided as a group that we will all go. Both my children will attend an international school (DS as a freshman and DD as a junior). BUT, while my daughter will apply to college from overseas (don't even know HOW we'll do that!), my son will come back to the US in two years. He does not want to stay behind without us to go to boarding school in the fall for 9th grade - and we want him with us. The chance for our whole family to experience life together in Europe before my daughter graduates from HS is too good an experience to not share as a family. We did ask him if he wanted to go to BS anyway, he emphatically said NO and we agree with his decision.</p>

<p>Thus, my question. I had asked my son to write letters to the schools he'd visited (he had already sent in the profile part of the application and his first SSAT scores to a few) to inform them he was withdrawing his application. A friend of mine told me to STOP; he should apply anyway, see if he gets accepted and tour at revisit day. He could then make a more informed decision about the international school. She has a point - the international school is OK, but it's certainly not an elite BS. But our family wants to be together, and the experience of living in Europe and traveling is something we don't want DS to miss.</p>

<p>I'd appreciate this community's opinion - Apply anyway? Or withdraw the application and start again in two years after we return?</p>

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<p>It seems to me your decision of not letting your son attend BS here in the US has nothing to do with what the BS offers. Would the acceptance and revisits change your mind, or do you still need time to finalize the decision? If the answer is no, I don’t think it’s meaningful or worthwhile to go through the application process. On the other hand, if your answer is yes to either question, then you are in a good position. You may complete the applications and wait till March 10 and see your options. You may even ask for the schools to extend their offer for a year. I don’t know if they’d grant you that, but if they do, then your son will have a year to to spend together with you and at the same time try out his international school there. He can make a decision whether he wants to come back for the BS in a year.</p>

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<p>Thanks DAndrew. You’ve succinctly captured our quandary. As you can tell by my question, we’re pretty conflicted. I was trying to think of this from the BS’s point of view, as we are sure we want our son with us, but are having some pangs of cognitive dissonance in stopping the process before he’s applied. I don’t want to waste the admissions staff time. On the other hand I want him to be a strong candidate when he would apply upon our return. I guess I’m worried about the ethical dilemma. Is it fair to apply if you’re not 100% sure you’ll attend?</p>

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<p>I think it’s fair if you think there’s still a chance that he may stay in the US to attend a BS that admits him.</p>

5

<p>I agree with DAndrew. If nothing else, you’ll go into the process next time having rehearsed and with a better sense of where he might/might not get in.</p>

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<p>The ex-pat experience will totally blow away the BS experience. And it’s a great family adventure. Bring him along for the ride. Even if he’s behind when he gets back to the U.S., he’ll still be way ahead…if you follow. Talk to other ex-pat families about their experience. This is an opportunity you take for the kids even if the money or career path isn’t so great. I wouldn’t advise anyone to move or upset their careers so a kid could experience a boarding school. I would advise them to do that (with some exceptions, I suppose, for medical situations and such) if it means that they get to ex-pat their families.</p>

<p>Commit to the ex-pat experience and don’t have him doing it with one foot out the door, ready to head back to the U.S. It will be tough enough with only two years to pack in everything you’ll want to do.</p>

<p>And fear not about your daughter: applying for college from overseas is fairly simple – particularly if you’re considering colleges that use the Common Application. The tricky part is visiting them so you’re making the college decision in an informed fashion. Get as much visiting in while you can. Even if they turn out to be “duds,” it’s time well spent. Knowing what you don’t want is as important as knowing what you do want.</p>

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<p>First, I think it’s highly unlikely a school would “extend their offer for a year” - and we’re talking about two years this family will be overseas, not just one. There’s a big difference between a 9th grader and an 11th grader!</p>

<p>If your family wants to go overseas together, then commit to it and go. Don’t string the boarding schools along . . . tell them what’s going on and why he’s withdrawing his application. And take the opportunity to get some honest feedback about what your son’s chances are of gaining admission as an 11th grader - does the school accept many 11th graders?</p>

<p>And if you’re honestly planning to reapply for 11th grade, your visits were hardly a “waste” of the school’s time. If I were you, I’d visit as many places as I could now - 'cause it certainly won’t be easy to do that once you’re gone!</p>

<p>Frankly, I can’t think of any school that’s worth giving up two years of living abroad - that’s a really priceless experience for a kid. If your son agrees, then go for it and have a great two years!</p>

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<p>As far as I know, many expating families would rather their children finish school here if they could. They are concerned that the kids will need to take pain adjusting to a different education system/school only to re-enter a new school back here in a year or two or they are concerned about the quality of the international schools in the other country. It’s a family decision of course, but if they want to keep the BS option open that should be fine. They have already invested time and money in the applications after all.</p>

9

<p>Yes, many ex-pat families that think a child’s education is basically confined to schoolwork do tend to think that, DAndrew. They dread the minimal extra legwork it may take to re-patriate. I know quite a few of these families…but none of them were thinking of boarding school for a child before coming over here. The other group that thinks in these terms have kids who have already spent years living abroad. They’re not making the either/or trade-off that the OP is proposing.</p>

<p>To cloudy15…</p>

<p>I cannot be emphatic enough in making the case that DS should be committed to the full ex-pat term with you. If you think he’s bright enough and mature enough to deal with boarding school, he’s not going to crash-and-burn with an extra year of ex-patriation. That said, there are some schoolhouse disadvantages you may encounter. My kids, for example, may not be able to take math classes as accelerated as some U.S. schools offer; they may be working from a reading list that differs from the AP list; they’re not taking the state history course (learning about the state’s leading citizens, its state flower and such) that the public school system will require for them to graduate if they were to return to the public school before graduating; and there’s no Princeton Review or Stanley Kaplan. Get accustomed to those shortcomings.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, my kids go on school trips to other countries (that don’t break the bank); my son travels alone by train to exotic cities for his college interviews; they’re fluent (or near-fluent) in a language they hadn’t studied before coming over here (bam - an easy AP 5 and an 800 SAT Subject Test!); they’ve got friends from around the world; they see the world in a completely different light (and size); they appreciate cultural differences and have the humility it takes to see that Americans do things differently, not correctly, by comparison…and on and on and on. The “takeaways” are countless and simply not available to a kid in any U.S. boarding school.</p>

<p>This is a testimony to ex-patriating – with a commitment to it – and not some brag sheet on my kids who are otherwise extremely different from one another in terms of personality and academic prowess, etc. A parent who “gets” that the benefits of a boarding school experience cannot be reduced to a one-to-one comparison with a day school should “get” that ex-patriating is on yet another plane that cannot be reduced to a one-to-one comparison with a boarding school experience.</p>

<p>As I understand this situation, it’s not a question of whether your son will come over here at all. It’s a question of whether he should come over now and then go back before dad’s ex-patriation assignment ends. Your daughter is coming over and graduating, so we know that the school component can’t be all that miserable. And while it’s a matter of opinion, and everyone’s mileage will vary, I can say firsthand that it would be a colossal mistake to have a child come over and not be fully committed to the full term of the assignment, with one foot possibly going back to the U.S. and the other maybe staying abroad.</p>

<p>The other factor here, peculiar to you, is that (as I understand the timing) your daughter would be living with you in Europe for a full year after your son would go back to the U.S. for boarding school. That’s one year – and the last year – they would have to go through some fantastic experiences together, as brother/sister and as a family. You’ll go off for a weekend to Salzburg with your daughter; meanwhile, your son will have Saturday classes at Exeter. Those foregone memories and experiences are a steep price to pay for boarding school.</p>

<p>Yes, I can see how your friend would find it worth pointing out that, in the abstract, you should keep all options open for as long as possible…but s/he’s not dealing with all that you’re dealing with. To get the most out of this experience, everyone should commit to the full term. And – given a tight timetable before the move – there’s just no point in leaving an important item like “Which country will my son be living in?” up in the air until April. There’s plenty of stuff on your to-do list that has to be juggled when moving a family abroad to leave that huge detail hanging open. </p>

<p>Of course, if things are a disaster, you can still figure out how to punt. It’s not as if all contingencies are forever closed by committing to the full term. Once you’re living in a different country, in a foreign language, in an alien culture…you’ll see that life is often all about being expert at punting and improvising. (Which is another gift your kids will pick-up.) Then again, a family (particularly a high school freshman) is going to be more vulnerable to adjustment difficulties if everyone’s holding on to the escape hatch or rip cord, actively looking for signs to abort. What’s more, that decision to send Junior back to the U.S. would, as a practical matter, have to be made after just a few months’ time to get plugged in to the application process for the following year. So, practically speaking, it would be a decision that has to be made prematurely.</p>

<p>Bottom line: just do this, go all-in, commit to the full-term now and send me a thank-you PM in a couple years’ time if this just talked you out of heeding the advice from your friend. Oh, and if your son doesn’t thank you for doing it this way by his high school graduation, I’ll eat my laptop.</p>

10

<p>D’yer, obviously you are more experienced in this area so your advice may be more valuable to OP. To me, had OP not started the application process and didn’t think their son is ready to go to a boarding school, I wouldn’t suggest that they do just to leave him behind. Just because daddy changed job location doesn’t mean they have to give up the plan. I mean isn’t this the point of boarding school? That no matter where you family live/move, you can go to a certain school and stay there until you graduate? The kid can join many other boarding students and go home during long breaks and summer, where he can have experience living abroad and studying or even working in the other country. Also, 11th grade would be more difficult to get in and give the kid little time to hit the ground and run.</p>

<p>Having said that, I don’t feel that OP needs advice on whether his son should stay. It sounds like they’re pretty determined that he’d go with them. In that case, maybe cutting all the “loose ends” is a better idea. Suppose you have good boarding school options coming March 10, what would you do? Would you re-evaluate the whole situation and change plans? I think you’d make things unnecessarily more complicated for yourselves.</p>

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<p>Thanks D’yer Maker and DAndrew - you’ve both exactly pinpointed our ‘dilemma’ - but it’s a really great one to have!!! DAndrew - you’re right, we are totally committed to DS being with us overseas - and D’yer Maker - absolutely for both years. But with any ex-pat assignment, things can change on a dime, and we were trying to think through the chess board to figure out the likely course of events - especially with regards to DS and BS, as he would be leaving his current school to go to BS if we were here. There isn’t another viable option for him at home - we live in a pretty small population area and the local public HS isn’t OK for him. I haven’t even BEGUN to think about DD and college applications - YIKES!!
That said, at this moment in writing this reply - we’re combining the best of all your advice. He’s almost done with two applications (his favorite schools) and he’ll complete them. We’ll withdraw applications from everywhere else now. In the next couple of weeks (AFTER the application is complete) we’ll decide whether to call the 2 schools and withdraw - I’m leaning heavily in that direction. This way DS did the work to finish the application (which he’ll have to do again, so he knows what’s involved) - he’s so excited about going abroad he want to drop everything right now. I think a calm informed conversation with admissions AFTER the application is done, but before they’ve wasted a slot on him would be polite.
Is this just too weird for words???</p>

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<p>I think the OP should tell the friend, politely but firmly, to respect the family’s decision. </p>

<p>If there are any academic loose ends upon returning to the states, the son could address them through community college courses or a PG year. I would think that returning for junior year would make such loose ends improbable. </p>

<p>I could argue both sides of this equation, though. I could think of a family situation in which the son would prefer to spend four years in the same high school, with the same group of friends. My aunt and uncle chose to send their children to boarding school, rather than send them to school abroad. That wasn’t the same thing as the OP’s question, as they were attending local schools, and european high schools can require students to specialize in certain subject areas.</p>

<p>If the transfer is a done deal, and your son wants to go with you, I would inform the schools now. If he might apply in two years, it’s a very good idea to leave good feelings behind. If there’s any uncertainty, however, then I would not withdraw the application.</p>

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<p>Is it too late for one last opinion on the subject?
I know this is listen under the for parents section… but it might be helpful to hear someone almost your son’s age POV. Changing schools itself will be hard, not to mention moving to another country and changing schools. I’m not sure what type of international school it is (IB or american system) but if it is an IB school, in my opinion your just setting him up for a hard time. Then there is also having to leave everyone from the school in two years and that will also be hard.
Usually I would just ignore a post like this, but a friend from the states sort of went through the same thing just going along with what her parents wanted; she was accepted into deerfield and thought that the expat experience would do her good. She regrets the decision to move down here deeply and will be applying again to BS this year.</p>

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<p>I posted too soon. Hmm. If there’s any uncertainty, don’t withdraw the application, unless you’re happy with your default option (which you aren’t.) How about this proposal? Continue with the application process. When you know for certain that you will be overseas next year, with your son, withdraw the applications. If there’s any doubt about the international posting, don’t make your previous BS plans impossible. </p>

<p>If you know the overseas option is certain before March 10th, though, I would urge you to withdraw the application. That would allow the schools to avoid “wasting” an acceptance on a student who’ll be in Europe next year.</p>

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<p>OP – It sounds like you have a good plan.
One more suggestion – Even if it is early for college, see if you can arrange for your daughter to visit some colleges a day trip from home. Let her see the different possibilities – large research universities, LAC’s, public, medium sized, rural, suburban, urban. It will give her a frame of reference, so that she can narrow her choices to visit next year. She doesn’t need to be interested in the colleges close to home. It’s just a good idea for her to understand what the possibilities are. It will probably save time later.
Enjoy the ex-pat life!</p>

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<p>Thank you all for your input!! Weaving together all the suggestions and our own thinking, DS and I have exactly settled on this plan: complete just two applications for his favorite schools and get them in by the 1/15 deadline. Send withdrawal letters to all the school’s he met with, but had not really started much of an application. But he’ll finish the application process, which is a good experience and one he’ll have to do in two years when we repatriate. As we’re 99% sure the assignment is firm - we’ll withdraw the applications as soon as we know - but in any case well before the 3/10 deadline so we don’t cause any trouble with yield, etc. With a completed application submitted, we’ll be able to have a concrete conversation with admissions officers as they’ll see his entire application and be able to advise on re-applying in one year or two.</p>

<p>And thank you all for noting about DD and college applications. LOTS to do before we leave, but getting in a college look around trip is important too. Applying is hard enough - but it’ll be very different doing it from overseas. But well worth it!!!</p>