Many minivans come with captain seat options for the back seat pax. Much more comfortable and more room than being cramped in the back seat of a smaller sedan or hatchback. So OP can sit in the front without sacrificing her IL comfort. That said, winter driving can be very treacherous… An AWD could handle winter roads better than a minivan (many of which don’t have AWD).
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If she is only going to be done with chemo a week prior, should she be exposed to 12 people with possible Covid infection.
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Flu was bad in Australia this winter (for them, their winter) so docs are predicting a bad flu season in the US starting late November.
I’d be worried about the elders. I’d be worried about the cancer patient.
But if nobody is listening the OP, all she can do is smile and nod at this point, and get the other family members who think this is a great idea to do the legwork, make the phone calls, figure out who sleeps where.
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In reading more responses, I’m with @blossom. Sounds like your D is already aware this is causing you stress and anxiety. I’d consider using that to your advantage with both your D, your sister, your niece, and husband. “I’m too stressed out and anxious to plan so you will all need to tackle the logistics.” Make a refundable reservation so you have a place to stay and a flight so you don’t get roped into the drive and then step back and try not to worry about it. Sounds like this could easily get scrapped by her medical team, especially if we have a new variant by holiday time.
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I agree with @abasket on this. Taking care of yourself is important, and you’re more likely to have to be “on” when you get there than the in-laws. Give yourself the front seat. It may take a few more minutes to get FIL in, but that’s better than hours of misery for you.
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Thanks so much. This is so helpful and is really helping me think things over.
And to know that I’m not in control of this but trying to make the best of the situation, it really helps.
I think everyone involved wants to make things good for my kid who is going through something none of us want her to. And we want to make her happy.
You know what would be half way? My sister’s house! Her 3500 sqft house with 4 bedrooms, a fully finished basement and a hotel within a quarter mile. 
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Now that’s creative problem-solving!
“Hi Sis, I realized that I was being TOTALLY unreasonable about the Christmas trip. I am so caught up with D’s health issues and that completely swamped my planning abilities. You are so right- a nice Christmas with all the grandparents and close family will be perfect. Since you’ve got the space- and you’re about halfway between everyone- why don’t we plan to gather at your house (H and I will stay in a hotel of course, wouldn’t want to impose) and I’ll plan to bring the cookie platters and desserts. I’m really looking forward!”
Then sit back, take a long walk, and wait for the plan to unravel…
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Winner, winner chicken dinner! Let the sister who thinks this is all wonderful host!
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Could you daughter get to sisters house? Can she drive or otherwise get there?
1/2 the trip allows you bring food to help if you want to. Heck so many less expenses you can just order in for the duration!
As nice as it would be, my sister has decided that we will all go to daughter’s house. I was left out of the decision making.
I don’t think the fiancé has time off work to travel to my sister’s. Remember the tropical vacation!
I’m feeling much better about this. I’ll never be zen but I’m learning to just let things be.
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OP has already noted: “My daughter is being nonnegotiable about people coming to her house. “
But…if sister’s house is halfway…then you break up the drive (in the rented vehicle that has room for in-laws in the back) into two seven hour drives, staying overnight with her. Then if sister is driving to your daughter’s place, you can caravan in two vehicles. Maybe she can drive one or both in-laws part of the way. (I realize they are not her in-laws but shouldn’t she be happy to do anything necessary to make this visit to your daughter work out?)
And overnight stay would be free, which should make husband happy.
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We can break up the trip. We would probably opt to stay at my son’s house instead. He lives only a little farther than my sister. He also lives in a suburban 4 bedroom house.
Or we could stay in a hotel on the way.
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If you’re out of the group decision making process on all ends, then be out with gusto. Make decisions for you and not the others. They want to drive, let them. You fly. She wants to squeeze everyone in her house for Christmas dinner, let her figure it out. Just show up to eat with a smile and bottle of wine. Let them all make their plans and just go along. Their plans make zero sense and are completely impractical, but if they don’t care, then don’t let it bother you. Do what you need to make it semi-enjoyable for yourself. Don’t absorb their stress.
But in regards to dh and his parents- please tell him to stop periodically to let his parents stretch their legs or even just give all three of them articles about it and step away. That’s a very long ride and blood clots are a concern.
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Since others are making decisions on what you should do, just tell sister (or son) you’ve decided to stay with them. Why should you have to pay for a hotel when others are forcing the trip on you and your husband.
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@deb922, did your D grow up surrounded by the entire family every Christmas? You mentioned that she wanted everyone to come last year. Was she missing a childhood tradition after moving away? If so, I am sure that feeling was amplified after she was diagnosed with cancer. I expect that she is scared & wants the comfort of family.
The reality, though, is that her proposal is less likely to bring her comfort than it is to be a giant pain in her rear. Sounds like it’s out of your hands, though. Do let it be out of your hands … as others have suggested, let those who planned the gathering do all of the planning. Try your best to just go along with it, but do not worry about being in charge of any of it. Fly, and let your H deal with his parents. Stay wherever your S or D or H make reservations for you to stay. In other words, make it clear that you’ll be there, and that you are looking forward to spending time with your D in the way she envisions … but also that you are simply unable to take on any responsibilities related to the gathering.
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Could your husband drop you off at your son’s (or sister’s) and you can drive the second half of the trip with them on a different day (or even the same day!) while your husband and in-laws continue on (if the in-laws are indeed able to drive for so long – I’m in the camp that they likely cannot/should not.)
Or…could you fly one way and drive the other?
Or…are there any trains or busses that go even part of the way? You could take train or bus with the in-laws and your husband could meet you at whatever point in the trip it’s convenient. Trains are so much more comfortable than cars, IMHO.
I caution against getting passive-aggressive about it and refusing to pull any weight. Would that feel satisfying? Yes. Would it be helpful? Not likely.
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It is not passive aggressive to let folks plan an event and attend graciously. OP will be on clean up duty, OP I’m sure will happily bake, chop, saute, whatever D needs her to do.
It is insane to get railroaded into planning, being head of logistics, and then responsible for getting the entire family to an inconvenient location. Sister and D think D’s house is perfect for Xmas? Fantastic. Work out the details and let OP know if she should bring a platter of fancy cookies or a few coffee cakes (in H’s car, with his parents in the back) because she’ll be flying in the day before.
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Will he be working the whole time you are all there?
This is tough as you are dealing with multiple issues - your daughter 's health, expense of travel, issues with elders, family expectations and boundaries, etc. You may just need to decide what you can and cannot do and stick to it. All the best.
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