Whatever you decide, I hope cannabis gummies legal near you. 10mg of THC will make whatever you decide tolerable.
But seriously, fly and rent something with a kitchen. It sucks, but 14 hours in a car in winter with elders is going to be way more than 14 hours. Will your ILs pitch in for costs?
Also, 10mg of THC gummies.
Be careful taking these by car across state lines, and of course they aren’t allowed on airplanes. What you really don’t want is a group of 4, two of them elderly, hauled off to jail.
I hope your daughter comes to her senses. 14 hour trips over Christmas week are rarely 14 hours. Two days down, two days back, stress while you are there? No way. i think your daughter needs to decide on Christmas or her NYE trip. She’ll be exhausted, you’ll be exhausted, fights will happen…no fun for anyone.
I really can’t imagine that out of 12 people no one will get sick on the way there, while there, or on the way home and make others sick too.
I find myself torn in several directions in this thread, some of which is a bit close to home…
This worries me quite a bit. Chemotherapy is both tiring and immune system suppressing. It does not seem likely to me that a person who has just finished a major long term round of chemo is going to want to have a large number of visitors. They won’t have the energy to deal with it. It also seems like a huge risk from an infectious disease point of view.
The COVID pandemic is definitely not over. For someone who is fully vaccinated with a normal healthy immune system it should not be too big of a threat, but for someone who just finished a few months of chemo?
The flu season will often start to ramp up in December.
I have been fighting cancer for 7 years now (I am doing very well). The main thing that I wanted after my most recent round of radiation treatments was a nap. If 12 people had come to visit I would not have had the energy to deal with them.
This makes a lot of sense to me. It takes time to recover from cancer treatments.
I have not had chemotherapy. However, my understanding is that the effect is cumulative (this was true of my radiation therapy). It does catch up to you over time. Hopefully it hits the cancer cells even more badly over time. You can feel fine after the first few treatments, and feel quite a bit weaker (and really be weaker) after a couple of months of treatments.
This is what I think makes sense.
Also, the Zoom party on Christmas day is also a good idea. Perhaps you can open presents over Zoom.
Has anyone recently rented a minivan? Those “puppies” and the price of gas is horribly expensive, more so than flight tickets in a lot of areas.
@oldfort, agree, hence my comment about the UTI’s. Mine has to stop at every rest stop. She needs to get out of the car and unhinge.
Do you think your D expects to sit back and let others (you?) do all the work for the holiday meal(s)? Or will she want to participate? I know she will have just completed her cancer treatments, but if this wasn’t the case how would she have been?
Whatever you suggest outside of the desired plan hatched by your D and your sister, seems like it will be rebuffed. I’m guessing no one has asked your D what her doctors think of her plan? All those people, all that traveling…seems like some kind of infectious illness will be the result. Are those tropical tickets and reservations fully refundable?
Make sure your reservations are, because it doesn’t seem like this plan will actually come to fruition.
This! My mom (80) and her sister (73) drove last year from AZ to NC for my daughter’s wedding. They refused to consider flying, even though they could afford the ticket. My aunt is VERY stubborn. I argued, but eventually had to let it go because I had to focus on wedding stuff.
Although they made it to the wedding and made it back to AZ, my mom fell 3 times along the trip, during stopovers, and ended up having to have surgery for blood clots that formed from a combo of the falls and sitting for hours at a time in the car. My stubborn aunt admitted biting off more than she could chew with having to manage my mother, by herself. By the time my mother arrived for the wedding, she looked terrible and like she had aged another 5 years. It was a horrible idea from the start. Took months for her to recover when she got back.
I would urge you not to bring the elders. If you fly, then your husband has to manage them on his own - every rest stop, in and out of a hotel - it’s too much for them and him! Take them out of the equation and your anxiety is drastically minimized. Stand firm on this! Maybe there is someone local who could help them Zoom or facetime on Christmas Day? I get your daughter’s position, but she has to think of how everyone is affected, not just what she wants. Tell your sister to butt-out or come and drive the elders herself!
The ils are 86 and 88. FIL is not very mobile. What is their general health like? Would they require assistance to do many things? Frequent bathroom stops? Assistance in the hotel room?
How is your relationship with them? How do they treat you?
I think it’s borderline elder abuse. No way I would go, let alone dragging two elderly grandparents for a 14 hour trip. I’ve often told my kids they can celebrate Christmas on their own. It’s nice to get together but it’s not necessary, our health at this stage is our top priority.
I think sometimes older people under estimate difficulties of doing things. They tend to think they are still in their 50s/60s. My mom tried to convince me to drive from NJ to NC to visit my sister. I said we either fly or we don’t go. Even flying was hard. She had to have food and water on demand or she felt faint. I just don’t see how OPs husband could handle the parents by himself.
I so appreciate all the comments.
@DadTwoGirls thank you for your perspective of having cancer and the cumulative effect it has in your health.
I don’t think any of this is a good idea. 12 people from over the US gathered at a recently completed chemo patient. Bringing 2 octogenarians in a car. Another flying in.
My anxiety is my inability to get others to even think of how bad of an idea this is. My daughter keeps calling the elders with this scheme and they are eager to please.
I did look at Airbnb in her area and there are 3 bed rentals for less than the hotel. So that’s a relief. Of course they are all townhomes as that’s what is in my daughters area. My fil has trouble with steps although their overall health is good for people in their 80’s
We started doing this gathering maybe 8 years ago? My side of the family has always been scattered and so we took turns gathering. We decided to include my in laws because my husband’s brothers family went on vacation over the holidays. Didn’t want anyone to spend the holidays alone. It worked well for quite a while.
My daughter has had other plans that her doctors have squashed. Treatment plans are harder than she had hoped. This new course isn’t as easy as she thought. I’m hoping my daughter will start thinking that this is not a good idea.
I think the fiancé has weekends off, he would probably need one day to travel to any location. They went on vacation last week. The couple had a good time but my daughter was exhausted and did not have a great week afterwards. My daughter does not want to think of herself as anything but strong and capable
I think that’s a lot of it with the elders. They don’t want to think or admit that it’s harder now. My mil especially doesn’t want to admit that her husband is sliding. She does understand but thinks they are still capable of doing things they shouldn’t.
My husband and his brother are in complete denial about their parents aging. I try to say something but it falls on deaf ears.
My anxiety has ramped up just reading through this thread. @deb922 - we have so much in common. We are planners, controllers, and pleasers. The combined label of all of these is, “rescuer.” You are trying to save/rescue the people, the situation, and yourself. Your daughter has Norman Rockwell images of this Christmas gathering, and that is just not realistic. The problem with this situation is there isn’t any single point where you could suddenly feel, “Whew,” and be able to enjoy yourself. The stress is going to continue through the entire visit because even if everyone manages to get there in good shape, the worries will continue. Particularly with the elders. And, if you drive, you have the whole dread of the return drive hanging over your head the entire visit.
As hard as it is, it sounds like all of these people need some real life consequences to help them realize their own limitations. You cannot rescue anyone but yourself at this point. I would figure out the best way to do that. I’d definitely book a flight for myself. Lodging seems more tricky because I’m not sure who is responsible for booking lodging and for whom? I am also unclear on who is paying for what in terms of lodging. I might book my flight and an AirBnb (can those easily be canceled?? We’ve only used AirBnb one time, so Idk) for your dh and the in-laws.
I think the whole thing is going to fall apart. However, if you book a flight for you, book lodging for you, dh, and in-laws, and sort of go along with this scheme, if this event DOES happen you have at least rescued yourself from the long car ride and challenging lodging. If it does NOT happen, you have rescued yourself from being labeled the Negative Nellie.
I’m a person who gets bad motion sickness, and here are my tips:
H has said he is NOT flying, so he’s going to be stubborn and insist on driving himself and his parents.
What were the financial arrangements going to be for this trip? Does everyone pay for their own lodging? Transportation costs? Would the cost of the Airbnb be split?
This is going to be a pricey vacation no matter which way you go and where you stay. Just make sure everything is 100% refundable. Will your D even ask her doctors about her plan? Are they even approving her tropical vacation over New Year’s? I wonder when she will ask them?
I feel your pain 
dealing with something similar, and my OCD/Type A anxiety is through the roof. My nephew is getting married on Saturday. I can’t wait to see him get married, but the actual trip is stress-inducing. My parents and Aunt/Uncle are leaving Thursday; my Dad just had his 3rd back surgery in a year, 6 weeks ago. At $900+ per ticket plus long layovers, they refuse to fly. I worry about them driving a day ahead of us. Thankfully my Aunt offered to do the driving; she’s actually closer to my age. Flights don’t work for our timeframe. We can’t leave until noonish Friday, after D20 gets out of class. It’s an 11 hour drive. With my disorder, I most likely won’t be able to walk once we get there. We’ll turn around and drive back early Sunday morning to get D20 back in time to do homework Sunday evening. The stress of the trip is overshadowing my ability to enjoy the celebration at this point.
My suggestion? Personally, I’m going to follow the 2 “T” plan, Trazadone and Tramadol 
Wow, this sure does sound difficult! I am not a fan of long drives, and this is REALLY long. And having the elderly parents-in-law in the car sounds much worse. I’m glad you found affordable accommodations at least, so it is not such a huge financial burden. But I agree, much of this sounds extremely unpleasant to me.
That being said, I think no one but your daughter will know how she’ll be feeling at that time. Chemo reactions definitely vary not only by type of chemo but by the person. I myself went through a huge 6 month course of some of the worst types of chemo (followed later by another 6 months of a much milder chemo), and while it affected me, I was on CLOUD NINE going to my aunt’s big fancy 80th birthday party in NYC 5 days after my last infusion for which I had to travel and get dressed up and we couldn’t get a cab so I had to walk like 10 blocks in high heels. I’m not saying that I was in such unbelievable shape and that chemo is no big deal. It IS a big deal, and physically I felt somewhat lousy. But the sheer joy I felt at being done (or so I thought, ha ha ha) propelled bursts of energy and I just LOVED being surrounded by my large extended family. Absolutely worth it to me, one of my favorite nights and gatherings of my life–I truly was on cloud nine at that point, and getting to share that euphoria with people you love is awesome. I had also insisted on hosting Thanksgiving for our family of 30 that year, about a month and a half later, which was 5 days after my surgery. It was something really joyful and positive that I could be excited about, and I absolutely loved hosting it, even though of course others offered to host. It took extra effort as I had to set a lot of things up before my surgery and I had to be careful about how I moved, so everything took me longer than usual, but another highlight of that year for me!
There is a range of how people handle the fact that chemo does a number on your immune system, and there’s also a range of what doctors will suggest about what you do during this period. I know I was less cautious than many, and for me the risk/reward tradeoff had that make sense as I would have been in such a mental slump if I had squirreled myself away during that time. For other people, the tradeoff analysis would be different. Certainly if someone had obvious flu symptoms or whatever, I would not have hung out close to them, but otherwise I was comfortable being around people who appeared healthy (nowadays n95 masks are so readily available, that if there’s a concern, she can don one while at the gathering as a good way to mitigate risks). I would suggest everyone in the group take several covid tests leading up to the gathering to lower the odds of covid going around (and since this is a beloved daughter going through this, I’m sure it could be worth it to many of her family to avoid crowds/unnecessary gatherings for several days leading up to this family occasion).
So all of that is to say that I think how she’s feeling and whether she’ll want to be with family is really her decision and I wouldn’t worry about that part. It’s my belief from what OP wrote that this daughter REALLY wants this to happen and I have a hunch that she, too would feel on cloud nine to have this celebration, so don’t worry about whether she’ll be tired from chemo.
However, all that being said, I am surprised at how little concern she is exhibiting at requesting so many people inconvenience themselves in a such a massive way (14 hour drives for old people!!! Egad!! I sure hope the 14 hours includes lots of built-in breaks, and hopefully it’s really more like a 10 hour drive plus lots of meal stops??). To be honest, I would personally never in a million years push for that. But, it has clearly been a very scary and emotional year for her, so maybe she gets a pass this one time (but in my book, SHE’s the one traveling for Christmas for the next 10 years!).
Good luck, I think there’s been a lot of good advice above about taking care of yourself and managing your own anxiety. I hope that if it happens, it turns out to be a memorable and wonderful time, and worth the effort!!
@deb922 you are so gracious to be so thankful for all these responses/suggestions - even if some of them (not wrongly!) diss your family members a little bit!
The more I think about it the more I think someone just has to say “NO”. That might have to be you. NO for now.
There is so much at risk for SO many people - your daughter AND others. All so that people can get together on a calendar holiday and eat a couple meals together, maybe play cards and exchange some gifts? All those things can be done at another time/place when it is a smart decision for all involved.
It doesn’t sound like you are the “winning” person in this situation as it is now. I’d put my foot down and just say, NO. Not now. Because you care about everyone involved. You’ll get some slack - but you can rattle off any number of reasons why this whole scenario is not ok.
My husband and I talked about it. And saying no isn’t the right answer for us. We decided that we would suck it up (this was before my husband thought that taking his parents was a good idea, because he won’t say no to them either)
That if our daughter was so determined to do this, we won’t be the people to say no.
That is the most difficult decision imaginable. But if there are mistakes to be made, I’m not going to do them. Because I am painted as the bad guy for suggesting the apparent holes in the plan. My relationship with our daughter is the most important thing. My sister will take any opportunity to paint me as the bad guy and I’m just not going to do it.
I will be secretly happy though if these plans go awry
I’m cheering for you.
If there’s one thing covid has taught us it’s that there is no “one way” to celebrate family milestones and holidays. I had a much beloved family member get married during the early, scary days. Clueless friends would ask “I can’t believe you’re not going. I’d crawl over hot rocks to be there”. I’d just look sympathetic.
One of the parents of the groom was going through chemo at the time. The doctors stipulations had been- either it’s small group, outside only, everyone masked-- and you show up in your own vehicle (it was a wretched drive) and then leave-- or you don’t go. The worry was both getting covid from an attendee, AND having to postpone the next treatment just because of picking up some random viral thing.
So we all stayed home out of respect for the parent of the groom. It was beautiful (yes, I saw pictures, they didn’t want a zoom feed) and yes, under normal circumstances our entire huge, close family would have been there. And if OTHER people didn’t understand that, too bad. It’s not my place to discuss someone else’s medical issues. Somebody else think I’m too lazy to get in my car and drive vs. flying? Too bad.
This was only the first of three family weddings “cancelled” in some way due to covid. We’ve all survived, a new baby was born, somehow life goes on.
Deb- hugs to you.
May God grant you serenity to accept things you cannot change, courage to change things you can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Glad your elders and daughter are looking forward to gathering.
Glad you can go along with idea for now. I agree it is not wise to gather, but, the hope it will be possible, sounds very important to your daughter and elder ils.