I think that’s why having real “working sessions” over what may be issues are a good idea. Thinking through the details exposes the edges for everyone.
I’m from a family accustomed to long trips, and I can pretty much guarantee that the octagenarians wouldn’t really flinch at @deb922 's plan based on the hours - especially with no driving on their part! But if I asked about how often they’d need a bathroom or what might make their back comfortable for that much sitting, etc., there might be some hesitation. Or maybe there won’t be!
At some level, this is like letting your not so talented kid try out for the musical. You think it’s folly, but you also help them prepare so they can give it their best shot. And if they don’t make it, you celebrate that they tried. But maybe they’ll end up in the chorus, confirming that they are indeed an actor.
Your D isn’t thinking straight. Period. You can’t talk real sense to her right now. To me this sounds insane.
Offer to bring her down to your house sometime after their vacation (don’t want to compromise that with immune systems) and celebrate Christmas then with all the fixings (tree, food, etc) Maybe you and H can go visit if necessary. Make specific plans for zoom or facetime to include everyone.
My husband and I recently drove from CT to MD round trip for a party. My husband’s sister and her husband came with us (ages 63-75). We left at 7:30 a.m. Stopped twice in NJ (once for gas, and again for a bathroom because the lines for the women’s room at the first stop were out the door). We ate a pre-packed lunch in the car. Arrived at the party at 1:30, and left at 6:15. We drove straight through and arrived home a little before midnight.
The weather was perfect and we couldn’t have asked for a better ride traffic wise on either leg. HOWEVER, the next day my husband and I were both exhausted and I don’t think we’ll do that again! Is there any way your IL’s would at least consider flying one way?
You’re daughter is being selfish and unreasonable. She’s using her cancer as a weapon. The logical thing is for her to fly your way - nothing else makes sense.
Hold up–don’t label D as selfish or using cancer as a weapon. People simply don’t think straight under stress be it physical or mental stress. I think cancer is a pass for both. It’s been a tough road all around for everyone.
What it does mean though is that clearer minds need to prevail.
We recently did a 11 hr each way road trip with the inlaws (80s). We rented a minivan and they were very comfortable in the captain chairs in the back. We stopped every couple of hrs to use the restroom and stretch out legs. We had pre-made lunches and snacks in the car. Everything went really well and no issues.
Thanks to everyone for their support and feedback. I feel so heard and loved! I adore this community for the fact that I can get so many responses to my situation.
I was gone today to golf with my husband. It was gorgeous and we needed a fun day off!
I am not sure how this will all play out. I’m less stressed than yesterday. I’m trying to not play all the various situations play out in my mind and that’s a big difference in my mood.
We will see how this plays out. I do feel better that we can rent a home near my daughter. We can split the cost with my in laws and my son. I will let my sister figure out what to do with my mom. This is her circus, she can plan this out.
I think we all want to make my daughter happy and I think it’s important for her to host. I still think it’s crazy and I hope that her fiancé or her medical team talks some sense into this. It may be that she can’t make decisions about Christmas until the last moment. People can’t fly in at the last moment.
My husband and I have decided not to get involved. To do what my daughter wants. I did put my foot down that the date be when my son and family can make it but other than that, it’s someone’s else’s rodeo.
The 14 hours is taking into account frequent stops and traffic. Worst case
I went through cancer treatment for a year - multiple surgeries, chemo, radiation. It was horrible for me and my family. You can have cancer and still be self centered.
When my mom received chemo years ago we all observed and she would totally acknowledge having “chemo brain” in regards to having a much harder time keeping track of details, short term memory issues, etc.
So I like all the advice about just letting your sister and S handle the details as they unfold.
And knowing that being together would be the main purpose everything else can be just doing the bare minimum (Meals, etc). Like indoor camping of sorts!
The one advantage to attempting the drive over flying is the ease of pulling the plug at the last minute if it inevitably falls apart due to someone getting sick, etc.
If you do decide to do this, I suggest you find some ways to make sure it doesn’t totally suck for you (so much for eloquence). I’ve been in the same position as you, doing things I think are going to be a disaster and nobody is listening to me!
Make sure you take a couple of bottles of wine, or your favorite beverage with you. And this is for you, so if you think you’ll have to share with your husband, take some decoy bottles for him (keep the good stuff for yourself, you deserve it)!
Don’t get involved doing too much work when you’re there. Relax, let other people do things, repeat to yourself, “Not my circus, not my monkeys” as often as needed. Might sound strange, but it’s amazing how well that mantra can work.
Feel free to express how difficult the drive was for everyone when asked. Find a way to be honest about how hard it was for everyone, without sounding like you’re dwelling on it. Your daughter needs to know if it was brutal. And make sure you get the sleep you need recovering from it after you get there.
So sorry for all of the issues you face. If you do drive make sure that your IL’s wear compression socks. Insist on it. It would help with preventing blood clots.
@busdriver11 brings up a good point. If you’re feeling at all responsible for making these people all get together, or for making sure everyone has a good time, I think telling yourself something like “not my circus, not my monkey” over and over between now and then may really help. Of course you want to support your daughter in whatever way you can during this very trying time of her life.
BUT
You can SEE the problems, so you’re more worried than anyone else, but… not your monkey, not your circus.
You are worried about everyone spending more money than they should have to but…not your monkey, not your circus.
You are worried your daughter won’t feel up to hosting at the last minute, but… not your monkey, not your circus.
I of course don’t know that the issues I just wrote are exactly true, but you get the idea. I tend to have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility. I know it can help me to remember “I’m not in charge here,” “It’s not my event,” and things like that.
I’m pretty sure you’ll have to help as much as you can once you’re there, because it is your daughter and you don’t want her to suffer, but if you’re feeling at all RESPONSIBLE… not your monkey, not your circus.
I suggest anything you reserve make sure is fully refundable and cancellable at the last minute. This could fall apart days before the trip is supposed to happen.
You have gotten great suggestions. My only addittion would be to utilize your type A planning ability and make some advance reservatiions at restaurants as well. Since it will be a very busy time of year dining out reservations for 12 may be hard to come by the closer to the actual event. So if/when the idea of hosting so many people becomes overwhelming a backup reservation may come in handy. Whether its brunch, dinner, etc. You can have all scenarios covered. On Open Table you can cancel day of, no CC on file, etc. So really no risk at all, but a nice safety to be able to pull out of your back pocket. You wouldnt even have to tell anyone they exist, unless actually needed. Mom to the rescue! Youbcould even find a couple of nice places to stop with the grandparents along the way if you want. Good luck with whatever happens. Such a challenging situation for all.
In addition, if OP wants something to do to calm the nerves, make a list of places they can have family meals delivered to the potential Airbnb or D’s house. Trying to protect D’s immunity at a critical time not only in her treatment but also her pending trip with her H having a food game plan that doesn’t include too much dining out might also be good.
Depending what your family likes build a list of well rated:
One other thought. It sounds like the in-laws may have trouble with stairs, but everyone else would be fine. Would it be acceptable for them to stay in the hotel, and for others to stay in the VRBO or whatever?
I will also note that they may be the most stressful part of this exercise. MAYBE, just maybe, they will come to their senses between now and then, or someone else will, and a visit with your d at a time other than Christmas can be arranged for them. I know that may leave them alone for Christmas, but it sounds like the better option at this point. I realize this may be wishful thinking, as I know you said that’s not likely. (But I swear I feel much better about this just losing that one couple).
