Reading all these comments about people in their 80s, I had to wonder if my parents are some sort of anomaly. My father is 87 and my mom 81 - both are very healthy and walk several miles every day in their neighborhood. We recently went to my niece’s wedding in Maine from Maryland. My parents have spent their entire marriage doing car trips to visit their families in OH and MA since we were the only ones in another state, so they are used to long car rides. They wanted to drive, I wanted to fly. But then thinking about Covid/wearing masks in airport and plane with them and the other logistics, I relented and agreed to drive. It was 11 hours with stops for gas/food/bathroom. We stopped 2-3x each way. It was definitely manageable for my parents, but of course I realize that does not apply to many (most?) elderly. I know my parents and their capabilities, so I was not at all concerned about them being able to handle a long road trip. That said, I personally would not want to drive (as in be the driver) for 14 hours straight. If I attempted that kind of distance as the only driver, I would definitely stop halfway overnight.
I have no opinion on what is right WRT Deb and her in-laws since I don’t know their capabilities like I do with my own.
My thoughts/advice on Deb’s situation have mostly been covered by other responses here. I do empathize with @deb922 and her situation. Having been raised by a mother who always sees the cup half-empty, I tend to overthink things and always see the possible negatives. When originally discussing whether we would attend niece’s wedding, I kept thinking about all the downsides (very expensive flight and hotel rooms, possibility of getting Covid, etc). I ended having a lovely time.
I’ve actually decided to make a concerted effort to stop being like my pessimistic mom, constantly thinking about all that could go wrong in situations. I say this b/c I see myself in deb’s situation, and would totally be having the same exact thoughts and feelings. All the advice offered here certainly gave me something to consider when facing difficult situations outside of my control. I hope all the parties to this trip are able to come to some sort of mutual agreement as to how this can be a somewhat comfortable holiday for all.
@4kids4us, My husband ex-boss from England was very healthy, he’s hiker, he had a blood clot from flying at the age 70 something. He wrote he was surprised that NHS saved him.
You take risks as you get older. Nothing is guaranteed. That said, my aunt flew internationally, a very long flight as the very late age of 88-90. Something I’m not sure my husband and I want to do at this age. Maybe I’m not a risk taker. I like to stay healthy so I can do more fun things.
I only once put my foot down with my family, and that was 20+ years ago. I knew, from a recent family event, that I would be entirely in charge of my FA. At a wedding a few months back, I was the one with FA all day, and I had to leave the wedding after salad course cuz he didn’t feel well.
OP, so many of the suggestions involve $; renting a minivan, getting a place to stay, ordering in food, or flying. Only you know what is affordable. Again, she is your daughter, not a niece. You may be over emphasizing the car trip, but you are truly concerned for your daughter’s health. Any one of the 14 people could be carrying a cold, flu or Covid. Does she really wish to take a chance on losing out on her vacation?
Let your sister visit with her on Xmas, and you have the in-laws at your house. Divide and conquer. IMHO
@DrGoogle123 yes, of course there are risks for healthy people (my reference to their health was more about them being very mobile, not incontinent, etc). My parents take risks any time they leave their house. Just walking their neighborhood is a risk as they could fall. In fact, my father did fall when we were in Portland, not due to his own fault - the sidewalk was messed up and he tripped on a piece that wasn’t flat. Gashed his nose and knees. My parents have reached the age where they know their time is limited so they want to spend it with family. To them, certain risks are worth it. I was concerned about them getting Covid at the (small) wedding but they insisted they were no longer going to isolate at home, that they were trusting their vaccines/boosters to protect against serious illness, but if anything happened, they know they have lived a long and wonderful life - this is what my mom says to me. And when I say “no longer isolate at home” I don’t mean they are gallivanting around town to social events, eating out at restaurants, going on cruise ship vacations, etc. But they are willing to take certain risks like for a milestone event (first of their grandchildren to marry), a family holiday, etc. They have very little family nearby with only one of their grandchildren left here (but off to college next fall) and only two of their own children nearby. So they don’t get to see their extended family (their siblings and nieces/nephews, their own grandchildren) often.
Glad you are feeling better about it. Its still likely to cause angst as are th expectations still that you /DH will transport the in-laws, or are you staying out of that too?
My experience is that restaurants can want a credit card for larger parties and will charge some amount for a cancellation past a certain time/date. Open Table does not always accept large reservations. Of course YMMV. I just caution the OP to be aware of any potential cancellation fees.
I’m resigned to the fact that we will probably have to transport the in laws.
I called it my annual dilemma because as transporting the elders is increasingly becoming more difficult and more my husbands and I responsibility.
When no one steps up and you are a caring person, it’s all on you.
We had a family wedding this summer. Unfortunately the timing was terrible as my daughter’s mastectomy was scheduled for the day after. We wouldn’t be able to go because we were to be in route to daughter’s.
I ruffled some feathers telling the other sibling that they were responsible for transportation. That my mil was calling me all the time with her fears that they couldn’t get there on their own.
So the elders were to be driven by their grandson and take his sister also. What happened was that the grandson was late (causing them to be late for the wedding), my fil drove and the grandson decided to drink heavily. They had no idea that their grandparents were having trouble, I guess.
My daughter got covid, her surgery was postponed. We went to the wedding just for the reception and drove the grandparents home. In our car, the boyfriend of my niece drove home the siblings in my father in law’s car as he hadn’t been drinking. I think.
It’s just crap like this that happens and makes me feel that others don’t get it. Don’t want to get it. And think that our parents can do what they’ve always have done
Hey, I am going to tell you something a dear friend, who also happens to be a therapist, told me years ago and I preach this at every turn. I hope (and think you will) take it in the spirit intended.
If you continue to over-perform, it allows others to under-perform. It’s so difficult to stop over-performing, but it was the single best advice i’ve ever been given.
I have been fortunate to not have that issue in my personal life, but I definitely could have used that advice in my work life. It’s a very good way to frame things. Unfortunately, we type A overachievers aren’t wired well for taking that particular advice. But it’s well worth remembering & working toward.
It does sound to me like there is some back story or history here that precedes the cancer Dx. My first thought was, what would you say/do if your D did not have cancer?
I do understand that that diagnosis does change everything, however, and make it harder to say No to her.
Both my parents died in their 70’s-- in fantastic physical health initially, but then Alzheimer’s. So at some point, the ability to sit, not get agitated at a delay, go to the restroom in an unfamiliar place, etc. can throw a well ordered day into something chaotic. I know folks in their 80’s and 90’s in terrific, robust, energetic shape, and I know people in their late 60’s who are on their way to becoming invalids…
I have had a tough time with my D for the past few years. I think I understand a little how you feel being considered the problem person. It sucks. I am finally resigned to it and I am finally clear with myself that I am going to take care of myself come hell or high water. I know that I would make your D’s wish for a family get together happen because of the cancer. But I would completely take over and give commands. I am 72 and no one could convince me to drive 14 hours with elderly folks in the car. I would have it out with H. He is welcome to drive by himself but he better not. I would eat the damn money this time. I would not say a word about it in fact. I would rent a large air bnb and have the majority of everyone stay there and pay a fair fee. I would call restaurants and have everything catered and have everyone chip $ in for dinners. People can cook breakfast and lunches or go out on their own. No one needs to stay an entire week. 3-4 nights is plenty. No gift exchange at all except books for the new baby. Your D can come to the air bnb for dinners. Folks can stop in on their own and visit with her in the afternoons at her place. The rest of you can take naps or go shopping or sight seeing. Get some meds for yourself and your favorite drink. Put your foot down. Let them gossip. Currently I am saying no to my D because I do not like how she has treated me. She is moving 3,000 miles away in two weeks and I will visit her when she has proven that she has changed and I want to. But if she had cancer I would be there in a heart beat. This year. Only this year. She has had a mastectomy, chemo, is not actually married, and wants her family. You have done something right dear mom.
If you want any of us here to find the restaurants or the air bnb just tell us the city.
I disagree with the big rental. Too many people, too much togetherness. And whoever organizes it will get stuck with the bill for the rental, for the food, stuck organizing all the meals. No one will be happy and you’ll be poor.
If you find you have to go and you have to drive, get two hotel rooms for you and the grandparents. Ask what you can do to help with X meal, or should you bring drinks. Ask for SIL’s work schedule so you can plan around it. Ask if daughter (no one else) would like to go out to breakfast with her grandparents. Be specific on what you can do.
If the meals planned together don’t work out, so be in. You can take the grandparent to dinner, you can order in to your hotel, or join the others.
Not in my family. Everyone chips in. I don’t think this pessimism about this option is helping this OP. Many, many families rent houses for vacations or whatever together, and the person signing the agreement doesn’t end up poor.
Heck, I did this with 8 CC members and I had only met one of them IRL. Everyone chipped in and that was that.
@deb922 i think this option is worth pursuing, especially if you can find a place with a main level bedroom/bath for the elders.
The whole idea of who stays where and how a place to stay is secured is personal preference. Clearly if they all go - or even some of them - they will need to do a rental of some kind.
We have provided many scenarios. Hotels. Airbnbs. Big or small. Together a lot or not so much. This is where OP’s personal family becomes a deciding factor on what is best for how they work.
Maybe the thought behind this trip is not to see it as just a holiday or a journey to visit a family member who has had a tough season of life (OP’s daughter) but to think of it as a mini-vacation. If you all are going to have to lay down some cash, make it as pleasant as possible with the lodging/eating/visiting details.
