I may break out my embroidery supplies and make a pillow (or hanging for my sewing room door) with this advice!
13 Likes
It’s a really good point. I do think there are people that actually LIKE to over-perform, be in control of most variables. And for those of us that prone to under-perform, it can be hard to tell who likes runnning the show and who doesn’t.
5 Likes
I’m pretty sure OP said further upthread that she already found a satisfactory and affordable rental. They are all set on the lodging front, no more advice needed on that.
4 Likes
I used to overperform and plan gatherings when it was important to me. When I’m not in charge, I’ve learned to go with the flow and remember it’s not my circus nor my monkeys. This keeps me saner because we all have different standards and ideas about what’s good vs unacceptable.
4 Likes
This!
But I do find it sorta selfish that she wants everyone to come to her (and is playing the cancer card)…but she is going away for NYE!
I don’t recall how old she is, so maybe in her defense, I would not be surprised hat she has NO idea how challenging it can be with old folks (we don’t know what we don’t know.)
1 Like
All of the grandkids have no idea how challenging it is to get the elders around. None of them so it’s not just my kids, it’s all of the younger people. (TBH it’s some of the siblings also)
So my plan has been to not think about it, not ask my daughter about the plans until she lets me know. Although I’m not sure if this is one of those things where I’m not sure but she thinks she’s communicated the details to me. That happens.
As far as going there for the holiday, it is not a vacation in any way shape or form except for the money expenditures. There is nothing about it that I’m going to do anything I want, because I will be herding cats (or octogenarians).
Thanks to everyone who has replied. I feel so much better and am grateful. And much more calm about the entire situation.
16 Likes
Caring for elders is challenging at all times but when they have limited mobility and significant distances are involved the challenges increase rapidly. Glad you are calmer about the situation.
3 Likes
@deb922 , I am so late to this thread so have just read a few posts. Have you made a decision yet? I really don’t think there is anything wrong on insisting you sit in the front seat if you decide to drive. I can’t imagine your in-laws not being understanding of this.
1 Like
@deb922 thought of you this weekend. We did our whirlwind weekend trip to Missouri for my nephew’s wedding. Our 11 hour trip turned into 13 after 285 around Atlanta shut down on Friday afternoon. When we met up for breakfast Saturday my elderly father and uncle did not look good at all. Both were really having trouble moving. I don’t know if airline travel would’ve been any better, but I know the car travel was physically very difficult on everyone. Things that helped:
- gel/memory foam cushions - we actually took my dad to the medical supply store to test different ones; he’s had 3 spine surgeries in the last year with the last one 6 weeks ago.
- compression socks: blood clots were a huge fear, especially with the recent surgeries
- frequent stops; they made sure to stop every 2 hours to get up and walk around
Things I wish they would’ve done: drink more water/electrolytes; I completely understand the fear, especially with their potential incontinence issue fears for a long trip, but I think something with some electrolytes would’ve helped how they felt the next day.
Hope everything goes well on your trip!! 
7 Likes
Regarding electrolytes- I just saw Liquid IV Hydration Multiplier at Costco yesterday. It’s electrolytes in powder form so the elders wouldn’t have to drink a ton with something like that.
I’ve never tried it- it had caught my eye for a friend.
3 Likes
Deb, I think you are on the right track. I know it is hard when a person has control/anxiety issues especially - and also some life wisdom that lets you see all of these issues! But sometimes all you can do is sit back and let it all work out on it’s own. And sometimes worrying about how and what and where makes it all worse.
And I am firmly in the camp that you get the front seat if you all end up driving there together. I love the older folk in my family but I think this is that saying “You’ve got to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you can help others.” You’re no good to anyone in that car if you’re in back feeling green.
3 Likes
I tried it, my daughter gave it to me free. She had an office next to the 2 founders of liquid IV, they gave her a few samples.
1 Like
Ds2 was on tour this past summer, and backstage everyone had access to Liquid IV. He swears by it!
1 Like
When we ski in the winter at high elevations our kids always bring the Liquid IV with them.
1 Like
That’s a great idea. I had never heard of it, but will definitely keep some on hand.
Rent an Air B&B or VRBO home?
So what will be my final update, I think.
I expressed my concerns about 12 people coming to a recently ended chemo patient, it was discussed but decided to go ahead with Christmas. Everyone should take a rapid test before coming.
Talked to my in laws. Discussed what the particulars are. A long drive, staying only 2 days and another long drive. That they could fly but that hotels in their neighborhood were expensive, we could get an Airbnb but that all of those are row houses with lots of steps. The in laws discussed it and decided not to go. They are saying that it’s too much for my daughter, she doesn’t need to deal with 2 old people. My mil is going to call my daughter and tell her. I think the excuse is face saving because it’s really too much for them. Mil wants to know if I thought daughter would come to see them. Between her chemo and radiation and surgery schedule, it seems remote.
I’m relieved with this decision.
My mom also isn’t sure if she will go. Money is a big factor with her. My sister told me she was going to coordinate a hotel room with mom but has not discussed it with mom. In my sister’s defense, she has some issues with her family right not. She is going to visit mom over thanksgiving, mom said that they would discuss it then. I think that’s too late but I’m letting them figure that out.
My son and dil and baby will come if the baby isn’t sick. The baby just started daycare and is always sick so that will be a game time decision.
So thanks to everyone who chimed in. I’m feeling much better about the situation.
36 Likes
I just hope when mil calls your daughter she doesn’t say, “deb922 talked to us and convinced us we shouldn’t go.” I don’t want you to get blamed.
11 Likes
That’s a relief that your MIL and FIL will not be going.
You should still limit your visit w/DD to 4 days max. Staying an entire week is not a good idea.
The relative w/the baby in daycare will likely end up not going last minute. So it will end up being a much smaller group.
Wanted to also add that everything happens for a reason. There’s a reason that everybody else is starting to back off.
Am sending many good wishes your way for your daughter’s health. Hope that all goes well with her remaining treatments.
Going through cancer has a way of resetting your mindset at times. I know it did for me when I had a double mastectomy 3 yr ago. Had my mastectomy surgery on my ODD’s 13th birthday and the reconstructive surgery later on…that was done at the end of August of that year.
About a month later, all of DH’s relatives started asking about the holidays. My “role” for years has been the chief organizer of all extended family get togethers. And every time, it’s always a circus because none of them are straightforward people and none of them can commit to anything or even make up their mind on what they want to eat for dinner.
So that year, I told DH that I wanted a stress free Christmas. NO relatives of any kind. Friends were fine but none of his relatives. He did a lot of “Are you sure?” because he knew there would be flack, but I insisted.
We ended up going to spend 3 nights over Christmas at a friend’s house. It was amazing and relaxing and so much fun and no extended family drama.
Friend’s house is an hour’s drive away from AIL and UIL. And 2 hr drive from DH’s sister. AIL got mad when she found out that we were an hour away. When DH asked if they’d have been willing to drive an hour to us, she said, “Of course not, that’s too far.” …which was ridiculous because they’ve driven farther than that countless times to get to their mountain cabin, but whatever.
It solidified for me why my decision at the time was the right one.
That Christmas was great. We all stayed in our pajamas all day on Christmas Day. Ate Christmas dinner in pajamas. It was wonderful. Did fire pit time outside with adult beverages and roasted marshmallows. Delightful. So glad that I opted out of the Extended Family Christmas Circus.
Maybe your DD is looking at this Christmas with a mindset of “you only live once.” I totally understand that. But as we can all see right now as the events unfold, sometimes the situation makes some of your choices for you.
15 Likes